Part 37: Episode XXXV: "Follow Freeman! He's More Charismatic."

Episode XXXV: "Follow Freeman! He's More Charismatic."

Well, it's been a while. Let's see if I can still do this...


A misdemeanor offense in Iowa.


We begin by quite literally exploding into the third act.


I like to think Vincent has been dramatically posing on every single drop over ten feet on the entire descent into Midgar.


What else would explain how it's gone from sunset to the dead of night in the course of a load screen transition? Well, other than the twenty second load screen.

Shelke immediately phones up Vincent to bitch at him like a proper whiny girlfriend...


"Vincent Valentine, you were supposed to pick up a carton of milk and some toilet paper from the grocery store. I have dinner ready and the house clean for you and you can not do something as simple as that for me? No one. I have no one. No one at all, who would do that for me."


"However, considering the location of the enemy, this could work to your advantage. The Tsviets just all happen to be along the only route available and are currently waiting at points conveniently at the end of distinct, stage like areas. You could stay they were the 'bosses' of these areas."



You know what? Given the flow of logic in this game, thus far. It makes perfect sense that the only way to reach the hidden city, deep beneath the earth's crust, is to climb to the top of the tallest building on the planet.



"..."
"..."
"Why is my cellular phone twice the size of my head?"

Well, that was informative. Now we advance to the next cut-


-scene? What devilry is this? I can move the camera angle in this one? And pressing R1 makes Vincent draw his gun. That could be dangerous... Wait... Wait... I've got this faint memory in the back of my head. A whisper on the wind... What did they call this non-cutscene thing? It had a nice ring to it...


Oh yeah! It's called fucking GAMEPLAY and it's been a hour and a half 'ingame' since the last time it appeared in real form in this glorified fanfic. Too bad it's immediately interrupted by another cutscene not twenty seconds later!

Why am I playing this, again...?


"We missed our landing point. It turns out we have no fucking idea how to surf."


"Yes it does."
"Wasn't that like...completely destroyed, with the rest of the Sector 7, when the Turks blew-up the support plate dealie?"
"I wouldn't know. I wasn't in the story at that point."
"But...it did happen. It killed thousands of people. I think some of your old comrades from the Jenova War were there when it happened."
"They never informed me of it."
"But... But just because you didn't hear about it doesn't mean it didn't happen! The world doesn't revolve around you...sir!"
"..."


"...and joined the ground forces."
"Fine."


Man, I have got to pee all of the sudden.


"Do as you wish." There has got to be an alley somewhere around here I can duck in.


"W-Was that a yes that we could come with him?"
"I...think so... Isn't he our commanding officer, at this point?"
"Is he? I know the Commissioner and Captain Cid are... I was never really clear what Mr. Valentine's role was."
"Well... Maybe... Maybe he's like Darth Vader."
"Darth Vader?!"
"Well... Yeah... I don't think Darth Vader had any official rank. He just wore a scary outfit and bossed people around. And occasionally Force Choked people who sassed him."
"Can Mr. Valentine do a Force Choke?"
"I-that err... we should probably catch up with him!"


And so we get the first Stage Mission... A fucking escort mission. I guess this is the game's way of welcoming me back after all these months.


The WRO chucklefucks now follow Vincent and have rudimentary AI... Sort of... They actually just go to scripted rally points and stop until Vincent catches up. When actually fighting, they walk from side to side and occasionally even duck instead of standing in place and firing inaccurately at other enemies... who also standing in-place and firing inaccurately. At least they don't remind Vincent to reload constantly.


Unfortunately, they're still about as useful as an asshole on my elbow. Made all the more evident by the fact they are somehow shooting bullets with roughly 1/10th the strength of Vincent's shots.

You know, I can see how sharper swords and axes could do more damage or different sort of gloves could perhaps pack more of a punch or be electric or on fire or something. But really... Bullets...? Sure, if you shoot a guy in the head with an anti-tank gun it's going to do more damage than a handgun... But you're still shooting a guy in the fucking face, either way.

Have I mentioned at any point that I hate this game? If I have, it's certainly past the point of time to renew that statement.


The WRO's uselessness is compounded by the fact that they're utterly incapable of hitting targets above their position, past a point. As their AI targeting aims for the center of mass of an enemy...even if there's a wall in the way. Which is to say, every single time there's an enemy up high, it's up to Vincent to kill it. As well as enemies at ground level... And enemies at a lower level. And all the enemies, really... Even enemies they are all concentrating their fire on...usually end up falling to Vincent.

Though, there is one perk to this disastrous bit of gameplay design.


This is the closest Vincent Valentine has ever gotten to getting laid.

Further ahead...


Alright, this looks like a good spot. Now, where is the lousy zipper for these pa-


_"Dammit!"


And I was just taking a leak. There's got to be an open train or something around here that I can duck behind.


"Just don't get in my way. My accuracy rating in certain fields is...a bit underleveled."

Several identical corridors with identical enemies teamed with a band of identical friendly NPCs later...


"Fantastic!"
"Y-You mean you want to hear my meandering fluff story?"
"No-no-no! I uhh...the facilities... I'm in need of their use."
"Oh... Well, it being the slums and all. We used to have to improvise. See that plume of smoke over there?"
"The one by the wall?"
"Yeah. That's the one. It's an invisible wall. Serves well enough..."


"You're a life saver!"

A boutique worth of belts and zippers being undone later...


"She said the music was dull and there were too many random battles and it was in poor taste to hang out near a sewer level."


"Hey... You know Barret, right? Did he ever mention my brother?"
"Can't say I recall anything about him. No."
"Y-You sure...? Biggs...? They were in AVALANCHE for years... "
"No. I don't believe I was in the story at that point."
"The...story...? What are you talking about?"
"I'm sorry. I wasn't around for what happened to Vicks."
"Biggs."
"I don't think Barret likes being called that."


It's probably not a good idea to have characters reference events that directly contridict the current narrative. Just saying...


The throwback reference to Final Fantasy VII is interrupted by yet another exciting ambush. This continues for some time. It is so unfuckingbelievably interesting, I omitted ten minutes of it.


I will note that at one point the squad was ambushed by escaped badniks from Sonic the Hedgehog. It's best not to speak of the fanfiction which resulted...

A short trek later...


"This guy is our commander...right?"
"I...guess... I mean like...he's wearing a beret... That's got to mean something."
"Yeah... But I've got a beanie. Does that mean I've got rank?"
"I... I don't know...? Do you think he outranks Mr. Valentine?"
"M-Maybe... Err... Do you think he can Force Choke...?"
"Uh...we should hurry up..."


"I was hoping things would resolve themselves. This really is a nice little storeroom. I didn't want anyone to call dibbs on it."



"..."
"..."
"..."
"Feel free to proceed at any time, sir."
"I hate you..."


_"Dammit!"
"No. You heard what Cid said. Your job is to live."


The hero of our game, folks!


And thus we witness the final instance of the WRO.


We're gonna fucking need it...

Bonus Content:

Stage Wherearewe? Intro
WRO Chat Part 1
WRO Chat Part 2
WRO Chat Part 3
WRO Chat Part 4