Part 38: Episode XXXVI: Graveyards May Very Well Be More Fun...

Episode XXXVI: Graveyards May Very Well Be More Fun...


I'm going to level with you all here. This stage is boring. Take a look at this screencap. Take a good look at it. Study it carefully. What you are looking at are the assets used to make this stage. And I mean...that's it. Just throw around a handful of crates, set that train car in different positions, and scatter lamp posts about in a map editor. Congrats. You've just made the Train Graveyard.

And you know what the worst part is?

 The next stage is even worse. 


Vinnie Valentine is now tasked with navigating the maze of trains which comprise the remaining portion of the Graveyard. And by 'maze' the game means 'linear path that looks exactly the same to the point you'll swear you got turned around somewhere'. I suppose that might technically meet the requirements of what one would call a maze... in the Kingdom of Suck under the direction of Archduke Copypaste the 3rd.


To make no mention mazes generally aren't comprised of vehicles which an average person can generally crawl under, climb over, as well as open a door and walk through. It's akin to holding off the Mongol Horde with a Great Wall made entirely of Swiss Cheese. Just think of the calories.

Ten minutes of crates and rusted boxcars later...


You know how I said there were no more WRO members from here on out? Yeah, I lied. There's actually a second Stage Mission to rescue a squad of them. If you look closely in the background, you can see that 2/3 of the squad was immediately wiped out as soon as the objective popped up on the screen.


The rest immediately fell to the two chaingun emplacements firing six billion shots a piece with perfect accuracy.


Or alternatively, the crackshot sniper which one-shots any of the WRO squad. Thanks, game. Impossible to achieve objectives leave me feeling warm and fuzzy inside.


Well, actually, the game did throw me a bone. One of the WRO soldiers opted to watch silently from the shadows as his comrades were butchered mercilessly. Their death cries a morbid poem he would carry into a restless sleep for his tormented years to come.

...

Or the scripting for him failed to activate and he froze at his spawn point. One of the two.

Crates, trains, and the color brown plus ten minutes...


The WRO apparently wasn't briefed on the proper use of the mysterious 'chair' units.


In the thread, someone pointed out Vincent's hair texture's creative intricacies. I hear he uses top of the line Rorrim brand shampoo.


Vincent's the type of guy that got lost playing Half-Life 2.


"Don't worry. I've got this one covered. Let's see...2602..."
"..."
"Come on... Come on..."


"..."
"Fine fine..."
"..."
"Finally."
"Hello, sir. How may I help you?
"The Train Graveyard. I'm stuck in the Train Graveyard."
"Just a moment. Sir, I am not seeing a title by that name in our records."
"In Midgar. The Train Graveyard. I don't know what to do next."
"Sir, I'm afraid I cannot find a Midgar or Train Graveyard in our records. On what platform is the title you need assistance?"
"Sector 7."
"Sir, I'm afraid Sector 7 is not a recognized Nintendo console and I will be unable to assist you in your problem. Thank you for calling the Nintendo Power Hotline. Have a nice day."
"Wait. No. Wait!"


"Did you find a way out of here, Mr. Valentine?"
"..."
"..."
"This is bad."



"Vincent Valentine?"
"They hung up on me."
"Who hung up on you, Vincent Valentine?"
"I was stuck in the Train Graveyard and the Nintendo Hotline hung up on me when I tried to get help."
"Vincent Valentine, there must be an error. Nintendo Power Hotline was discontinued years ago. Anyway, GameFAQs says the only way out of the Graveyard is through a nearby underground passage."
"Do they say how to find it?"


"Nearby. Underground."
"That's fairly vague."
"There is an ASCII map to the entrance. I'll send a copy of the document to you in a text message. I'm uploading the location now..."


"Text sent, Vincent Valentine. Inform me of your progress."
"..."
"Is it coming through?"
"..."
"Yes..."


"..."
"I was forced to fragment the data to meet the character limit protocol of your phone."


"..."
"...I'll find it myself."
"As you wish. I've canceled the rest of the messages."


"...it's a spoiler, but I read a bit ahead. Up ahead Deepground has established a heavy line of defense."



"..."
"In retrospective, a full leather bodysuit was a poor choice of attire."


Vincent neglects to inform the stranded soldier of the location of the exit or the friendly squad a ways back he could link up with. But, that would be asking a bit much. Onward to a mini-boss!


Immediately after setting foot out of the boxcar, the final Stage Mission presents itself. Defeat the enemy commander. No sweat right?


Well, sure. Had not a dozen enemies materialized out of the ether and all started firing at once. Not that the problem are the spawning enemies and no cover. The true problem is that the 'commander' looks exactly like the rest of the generic soldiers and fights exactly like the rest of the generic soldiers. So, it takes a minute to actually find the prick to begin with.


The Commander apparently came into his position of power by being the world's quickest punching bag. The only difference between our target and the rest of Deepground is that he runs twice as fast as Vincent and has over 10,000 HP. Which makes for an ever so fun game of tag.


Vincent's Limit Break is actually fairly useful here. As Furry Mode attacks will knock all human enemies off their feet on contact. Which is great. Not that it gives Vincent and advantage. It just levels the playing field.


The one where all enemy rockets knock Vincent off his feet for five seconds.


Every time they score an even near direct hit.


Even while on the ground... Being juggled about for thirty seconds is the highlight of this battle, to be sure.


The commander dies with little fanfare, as some of the splash damage from Vinnie bouncing through the air managed to take him down. This opens forth the path to the mysterious Tomb of the Unknown Corridor. Which I'll save you all the trouble of seeing. Unless five minutes of the same gray corridor is a particularly riveting experience.

Several minutes of sewer corridor later and Shelke decides to drop us a line...


"You've reached the central complex."


Pay no attention to the skybox still placing it miles upon miles away...


<gasp>
"What's wrong?"
"The approaching Deepground squa--"
"No, it's nothing. I'll contact you agai--"


"Aerial troopers..."
"Why did you keep cutting off?"
"I should have went with Verizon... Good luck, Vincent."


Jetpack assault squads - I suppose the best place to deploy them during an aerial siege is at the lowest level of the city.


We get a quick view of Deepground-o-Vision before the battle begins. I'd just like to note that while riding on a jetpack it might not be the best of ideas to have the zoom function on. Just sayin'...


Meet the 'Shrikes'. Since 'Aerial Troopers' wasn't catchy enough. I knew this game was missing something. It had been lingering in the back of my head the entire time. Why aren't there more tiny, fast, obnoxious flying enemies? Thanks, Squeenix. What would I do without you?


A little ring surrounds Vincent when he's attacked which indicates the direction the attack is coming. As you can see, that is currently four directions at once. Formerly five directions. But, I got a half second reprieve by shooting one of them.


There's nothing terribly difficult about the Strikes. They're just faster than Vincent can aim, have no set pattern, all have auto-aim enabled, and manage to fly constantly slightly behind the scenery. The battle is basically won by running in circles like an idiot and hoping one of them flies in your path from behind a boxcar. Nevermind the battle would take five seconds if Vincent could actually mount any of the trains. But, where would the tension be?


Despite all blowing up ingame, one final Shrike takes a final stand. He breathes deeply from his armpit breathing apparatus and opens fire on our hero.


The situation is, of course, to spit in the player's eye and have Vincent gracefully leap off the top of a lamp post.


Knee the soldier in the face.


Karate kick him in the family jewels.


And shoot him in the face, for good measure.


Anyone have the patience to go back and do a 'dramatic pose in front of explosion' count? It's got to be in the double digits, by this point.


And so concludes the second most boring stage of the game.


But also, the shortest!


I played that section five months ago and I still yearn for that half hour back.


For reference's sake, the solitary WRO member that died in the escort section was the one that gave me her life story and dropped some Final Fantasy VII references. I think that's an apt summary of this entire game.


I can sort of relate to Vinnie here. If I had a brain, I wouldn't have played Dirge of Cerberus for six hours and counting...


As a final gameplay "fuck you" from the stage, the final upgrade to the Cerberus is a whole two-thousand gil and change away... Is it so much to ask to be able to kill things quicker so I can play this less...? Is it...?

Bonus Content:

Boring Cellphone Jibba-Jabba
Shrike is a Stupid Name