Part 39: Episode XXXVII: 101 Corridors or How Rosso Got Her Groove Back

Episode XXXVII: 101 Corridors or How Rosso Got Her Groove Back


Today, Dirge of Cerberus answers a very important question in the rich Final Fantasy VII lore.


What the hell was in that big ass structure beneath the Shinra building? Today, we learn the startling truth...


A fucking ton...


...of endless...


...crate filled...


...corridors.


I am honestly at a loss as to how anyone could think this stage was a worthy addition to the game. It is 90% hallways, 5% stairwells, 3% big storerooms, and 2% elevators and ladders. It's the only time in the game where I can say I would have just preferred a transitioning cutscene to the next boss fight, instead of 20 minutes of padding.


For a real mindfuck, the level designers decided to show off the complex crate physics Dirge of Cerberus boasts.


Blowing up Explosive Barrel™ will result in boxes crumbling to the floor in as much realistic fashion as paper boxes filled with air can accomplish. The puzzling part is that only this stage showcases any sort of physics engine and only when these boxes and exploding barrels are involved. They're completely static, otherwise and rest of the game is filled with canned animations.

I...why...? You know what? Let's just finish this thing up as quickly as possible...


As far as Stage Missions go, we have aerial mines to avoid. Again, aerial units are best utilized at the lowest point possible and/or indoors.


For this, Vincent must pass a laser barrier filled hallway while three mines drift lazily between said barriers. There is no real pattern in when the barriers go down and when they go up. And the mines seem to just crisscross at their leisure.


Thus, making it sort of a crap shoot as to whether Vinnie will get blown the fuck up or not. An infinite amount of guards also plink away at Vincent's health during the trip, in case the threat of randomly being detonated wasn't sufficiently tense.


The second Stage Mission is just...well. I'm neither sure of the point of it nor how it is supposed to be accomplished. You see these 'robotic assault units'?


They're the spiderbot mini-boss from back in the last WRO stage. Upon turning the corner, this thing is immediately bearing down on Vincent with guns blazing and a full speed dash in his direction...


...and straight into a wall. Where it explodes... The only way to have success in the objective is to somehow plink away several thousand HP off the thing in the whole eight seconds allotted between its appearance and Wily E. Coyote style departure.


To make up for that objective, the next one proves to be incredibly easy.


The Sonic the Hedgehog-esque dealies from the previous stage resurface. Digging up arcane memories I have yet to flush out with sufficient alcohol intake, I seem to recall electric ruining robot's shit in the Final Fantasy series.


This translates to Dirge of Cerberus as 'electric magic = easy button'. As a single cast fries all ten or so enemies, no matter what distance they are from the impact. I guess surge protectors weren't big on the Deepground agenda.

Several stories of the same hallway later...


Eventually, Vincent comes to something that isn't corridor-like in nature. Hmm... Big open room... Dramatic view of the full moon... I smell a boss fight...!


Yup...sure enough. There's Rosso waiting patiently for our arrival. How sweet of her. Wait a second...


...a boss character outside both boss fight and cutscene. Hmm... I wonder...


"THE CRIMSON! The Crimson! _{The Crimson!"}




"..."
"Huh...That worked...?


"..."


"Rosso is dead!? Vincent! You've created a Time Paradox! You can't go around skipping the cutscenes like that."
"She's not going to add anything. She's just going to taunt me, go through the motions of a boss battle, then die. I guarantee you it will add nothing if I fight her properly."
"Vincent, you can't go changing the future like that. Vincent, you must understand the cutscenes."
"..."




Oh well. It was worth a shot...


Rosso will, however, patiently wait while Vincent does some shopping.



Specifically, finally getting the Cerberus to its maxed out Power upgrade tree for maximum manhood compensation.

Alright, let's see how Rosso is fairing.


The WRO are going to sit this one out. You'd think for a game with such a high redshirt ally body count, they would have put the WRO in uniforms with masks or something. Christ, the generic citizens that only appear on the first stage had literally three times as many character models.


"This was a triumph. I'm make a note here: HUGE SUCCE--"






"Using only a gun for combat. What sort of devil are you?!"


"Other than the times I turn into monsters... And I sort of get funny looks about my build... Plus not having aged a day past 17, even before being experimented on... But, other than that..."
"More human than I...?"




"I'm a Tsviet. I traded my human weaknesses away for the glory of Mother Russia long ago. It is the path I've chosen. And the path I'll tread."


"And I'm not going to let you get in the way. You've lived long enough, Comrade Valentine."



Lady, have you seen cutscene Vincent? He can leap eight feet in the air, kill guys with jetpacks by kneeing them in the face, and one-shot helicopters with just a pistol. I think it's well established that he's basically unstoppable as long as the cutscenes keep rol--


...oh shit! We're playing again?! This is not good.

What? Oh, not Vincent's situation. I just meant the gameplay in general.


Alright, then. Rosso the Crimson has two attacks. First, there is shooting sporadically with her gun...blade...thing while running back and forth. Her second attack is rarer and it involves running up to Vincent and making him block her foot with his face. While there is little to be done about the latter, unless Vinnie happens to be double jumping diagonally behind himself as soon as she decides to unleash it. The primary gunfire attack does have a tricky defense...


Sun Tzu once wrote: "All warfare is based on deception. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him."

I believe this was a roundabout way to say "Circle strafe that bitch."

Rosso the Crimson goes down in just a few shots. Too bad she's a multi-stage battle...



I somehow fear 'the crimson' and 'sucking the life out of the planet' are somehow having a less than hygienic link...

Actually, this cutscene has spurred forth a transformation in Rosso...


Better known as Bloodburst Rosso.


Why Bloodburst, you ask? Likely because she's an abortion in boss battle design.


Rosso's new primary attack is a homing fireball dealie. The only way to avoid it is if it collides with one of the several pillars about the room. And the only way to do that is if Rosso happens to be standing a bit diagonally from said pillar, as the attack fires in an odd arch before honing in on Vincent.

Out in the open while she lets loose the homing torpedo? Tough shit. You just lost 150 HP.


Of course, just hiding behind pillars and playing a cat and mouse game of finding an opening to attack is no fun and the strategy quickly knocked out of the running by Rosso's ability to fire Hadokens straight through pillars.


She can also teleport and kick Vincent's teeth in at will. No running fast bollocks. Just straight up "you're getting hit now" teleport across the room goodness. If all of that doesn't sound fun enough, she also runs around like she's chugged a gallon of coffee, sixteen Red Bulls, and a Dr. Pepper.

In addition, she also has about as much hitpoints as the rest of the bosses to this point combined. Lastly, she has only three soundbites for the entire fight and spams them constantly.

Sixty three instances of "Can you dodge this...?" "Your lack of strength amuses me." and "Pain is pleasure." in between cocky laughter later...



"Artie... B-But he's the strongest man...in the world!"

Rosso climbs to her feet, despite having roughly six thousand bullets lodged in her at this point.


"Absurd! Our time here together is done."


"Then Nero, then Weiss, then you'll have to fight all of us again before you can face Wily."

Rosso leaps to some precarious edge of the structure.


"Nor any satisfaction from claiming victory in that boss fight."


"Except people who are taller than me, flying, or standing on a ladder or something. But other than that..."



"No one!"


Just jumping off the edge of Midgar doesn't cut it. You'll just end up crashing through a church roof with minor bruises and a flower girl trying to pork you.


No, you need to go the extra mile.


"Ha ha ha ha. BWA HA HA HA HA HA!"


"..."
"I'm standing above you."


"..."
"Well shit..."


Well, that was dumb. On the bright side, we actually managed to finish a stage in a single update!


Too bad it was the shortest stage in the game and it's an uphill battle from here on out.


It's nice of them to allow me to completely fail an objective and still give me a B. It's like the Special Olympics of end of stage bonuses. That or it was bugged to begin with and they couldn't be arsed with designing it properly.


Good old Vinnie has finally reached drinking age. That is what levels constitute, right?


As a wrap-up for the dullest stage in the game, the dullest weapon upgrade enhancement.

Tune in Next Time For:

I'd been forgetting to do this, haven't I?


Creepy Conversations!


Robot Arms!!


Red Shirts!!!

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The Life and Times of Bond Villain Rejects