Part 40: Episode XXXVIII: Disjointed Narrative

Episode XXXVIII: Disjointed Narrative


You know, Shinra were sort of dicks and polluted and fucked up the planet and such. But, I can't image the tens of thousands of people Shinra likely employed enjoyed suddenly losing their job thanks to Cloud and company. Just saying...


We open the stage with yet another nagging phone call from Vinnie's creepometeroffthescale girlfriend.


That's what she said.


So...what exactly was the point of the airship armada if they aren't bombing targets? Was it really just to dump people out on flying surfboards and hope not to get shot down...? Since, that sounds about right, for this game.


"..."
"My shoes are sort of stupid..."


"Shinra Building...or what remains of it. Are we just ignoring the majority of it getting gutted by the end of the original game?"
"Is it necessary to ask? Just pretend it is the same as it was three years ago. Just as I will pretend to have been around for those events."
"Fair enough."


"With the exception of Deepground. And the Shinra Building. And the Train Graveyard. And a linear path of all points in-between. But, we are getting ahead of ourselves."


"Search for the President's personal entrance."
"Didn't Rufus and most of the upper levels of the building get blown up by WEAPON? I was in that part of the story. It happened."
"According to my sources, it has been retconned."
"So Rufus didn't get blown up?"
"Negative. He did get blown up. He simply survived the blast. As did his personal quarters."
"Alright."


"Let me process this..."
"..."
"..."
"AAAARRRGGHH!"




"..."
"It's this game. This is just getting stupid. How did I wind up down this path?"


"I mean you're my love interest...? By means of being infected with the personality of my other love interest that didn't work out?"


"And I can bat things a football field away with just a flick in cutscenes. But I can't jump over a chair on its side at other times?"


"And I... What am I wearing? How did I even get in these clothes to begin with? I was wearing a cheap suit with a zipper on it, before everything went to shit. This... It's just too much. Does anybody out there think this is a cool costume?!"


"Vincent Valentine. Stop breaking the fourth wall. We have done it far too much lately. It needs to be eased off. Try to concentrate on a single problem and we will see if we cannot sort it out."
"..."
"Alright..."


"You really don't know, do you? Remember back in the Shinra Mansion?"
"..."
"Not really. No. That was like a hundred cutscenes ago."
"I told you to stop breaking character. Besides, that is why we are having this plot recap."


"...your mental state has become extremely unstable."
"Protomateria? Control Chaos? You honestly expect anyone to remember this crap?"
"No. Hence, why we are now recapping the plot, as previously stated."
"..."
"Fine."
"Do you honestly expect anyone to give a crap about this?"


"I don't recall that."
"You blacked out and were rescued by Yuffie."
"I...passed out...?"
"To clarify, it was less of what one would call an 'extraction' and more of what one would call a 'Kano style heart-rip Fatality'."
"..."
"What was that doing in my body, exactly?"
"This does not seem to be helping. Let's try a different, far more roundabout and vague method."

Lucrecia overdubs over Shelke's lines until further notice.


So...like a penis? Well, that clears things up.


"Chaos. The harbinger of anarchy, now that Heath Ledger is dead."
"..."
"Too soon?"

Vincent spins around to discover Force Ghost Lucrecia.


It's only a matter of time before she gets added into a new edit of the Return of the Jedi ending.


Vincent is actually just tripping balls. Though, it remains to be seen if Lucrecia has rewired Shelke's vocal cords ala ghost Liquid Snake.


"I'm so sorry. You must fight him. I don't want you to die..."
"Then why did you stick it inside me?!"
"I'm so sorry. I never did. That was Hojo..."
"..."
"..."




Meanwhile, back on the Shera...


"I don't want you to die."
"I'm so sorry. I never did. That was H--"


"HUUUURRRRIGGENNNFAST!"


"Warning! Warning! All personnel be aware a subplot is approaching. I repeat, A subplot is approaching! Please return to your stations immediately!"

Elsewhere...


"Engine room! Dammit! Stupid fuckers flew us off course into another timezone or something. We caught up with the sunset."

Shelke shuffles in....


"Don't have a damn clue. All of a sudden engine levels began dropping like crazy. Shit is tanking worse than the Final Fantasy movie."
"Could everyone please stop breaking character?"
"Fuck you."


Err...Cid...

A couple hours earlier in a distant FMV...





Back to the present...


"Thanks. Counting on you."
"..."
"Haha. Just kiddin'. I wouldn't count on you to check the paint job on a Micro Machine, ya creepy little shit."


Unfortunately, Cid's remark falls on deaf ears, as Shelke has already taken off toward the engine room utilizing her super speed. Err...did she always have super speed...?

At the engine room...


Oh, well no wonder the engine was going to shit. Those WRO rookies forgot to apply anti-dimensional warp lubricant before take-off. It's right up there with an oil change on the general maintenance scale.


"I detect an odor reminiscent of both bad breath and crotch sweat. That can only mean..."


"You."


"Why did you come here, Nero?"
"Why? I was short a few souls and I came to collect. Villains need to grind for levels too. But, I'm sure you know that."
"I am no longer a part of your side, Nero."
"Oh... Back to Level 1 then? My condolences."


"Need you ask? Look around. My mission is complete."
"Oh."


Oh, so he came to kill Cait Sith. Well, that's not so bad.


"And what do we think we are doing?"
"I don't really know. The script says I'm supposed to fight you now."
"I thought you were against breaking character?"
"I was..."


"Vincent Valentine is right. This is all completely retarded. Just look at us. I am supposed to be a nineteen year old in the body of a nine year old. This somehow makes it OK to put me in a skintight body suit and zoom in on my ass in every cutscene. You are wearing a jockstrap on your head and decked out in some sort of Star Trek S&M garb with robotic wing arms. It does not matter if we break character because this is dumb."


"Think of the franchise."


"But I am the one holding the light sa--"
"Sssh! We'll get sued!"
"Nero, face it. It is a light saber."
"NO! You fo--"











<END OF TRANSMISSION...>

Bonus Content:

Stage Intro (Part 1)