Part 41: Episode XXXIX: Frankenstein's Level Design
Episode XXXIX: Frankenstein's Level Design
And we're back. Yipee. Back to an even worse level than the maze of corridors from the previous stage. At least that one was mercifully short. This stage is a lovely hour long endurance match.
Welcome to the Shinra Building! I remember it being much less gray...
Sadly, the option to sneak in and take the stairs is no longer available. But, we can still use the elevator! In fact, we have to use the elevator. Or rather. The elevator shaft.
The tyrannical reign of invisible walls forces Vincent to climb three stories to the top level of the foyer, as the central area is utterly inaccessible from the ground floor due to some flaming wreckage and a company logo, a slight bit above outstretched arm level, barring the path.
It wouldn't be too aggravating, if not for the fact the path to the upper levels circles around the central lobby. Twice. And it's impossible to just jump down and save a few minutes.
Nope. The only way of reaching the central area is by jumping three stories down an elevator shaft. But, why would we want to venture to the central area of the foyer? I mean, it's the tallest structure on the planet. Surely we'd want to ascend it, right?
Hahaha....no. You see, a sewer level has magically erupted from the corner of the Shinra Building's reception area in the years since Final Fantasy VII.
I mean, why go to the trouble of rendering bombed out wreckage of old locales when you have gunmetal gray and shitstain yellow corridors readily available?
Also, beetles. Tons of beetles. Beetles in monster closets. Beetle spawning holes. Beetle zerg rushes. Beetles spawning behind you when you're busy killing other beetles.
Heck, why stop there? There's even a sequence where Vincent has to rush down a corridor flipping switches to raise gates while a horde of infinitely spawning beetles bares down upon him. Terrifying stuff, rest assure.
Eventually, Vincent comes upon a jukebox to upgrade his weapons and buy ammo. Since I have officially spent all my ammo for the Cerberus, the game's namesake, just by killing twenty thousand bugs, it may be wise to stock up.
Unfortunately, bullets are ridiculously expensive. That's 10 gil per bullet. The Cerberus fires three bullets at a time. Which makes 30 gil for one shot. Or 180 gil for each reload. The average cannon fodder enemy takes between two to three shots to down. So that's 60 to 90 gil per badguy. So...
I think the Griffon needs more love.
The short barrel too, while we're in the neighborhood. Hopefully, nothing will be around to soak up the rest of my ammo. That would just be a dick move.
So, fittingly, Vincent is immediately cast into a mini-boss fight within five steps...
Oh hey, it's Spiderbot. I remember that guy! Yeah, recall him real well. Since it's already been a damn boss fight twice now.
Oh, two Spiderbots! They're getting inventive here.
These two spiderbots actually both have a new unique ability. The one on the ground has stealth camoflauge. I...am not sure why. It just turns sort of poorly invisible and continues its attack pattern of constantly spraying bullets and occasionally firing a badly aimed laser.
The one on the ceiling can drop mines which...don't seem to explode unless stepped on and the thing can't walk over the perimeter of the room to drop them. Making the attack of somewhat limited use.
Another new feature of the TW(at?) series is they share a lifebar.
Long story short: The fight lasted for exactly thirty seconds.
After that, Vincent gets to ride an elevator for even longer than the boss fight lasted. And I die just a little bit more inside.
Following that tedium, Vincent is immediately slapped with a new Stage Mission! What hidden knowledge do these files contain? Will it reveal a hidden weakness in Deepground? Or maybe unveil more of the mystery behind the group? How will Vincent know what these documents even look like? And why are they so important?
The answers are: Nothing. No. Nuh-uh. They'll be floating, spinning floppy discs. Squeenix couldn't be arsed to justify a collectathon for the stage.
They also couldn't be bothered to explain where the fuck we are. Apparently even Midgar has secret underground Umbrella bases. Wasn't this supposed to be President Shinra's hidden path to Deepground? Why the fuck is there office space?
Twenty minutes of shooting the same two soldiers through enough offices to make a F.E.A.R. expansion later...
So, Vincent somehow manages to step out of a cubicle maze and into Tron or some shit...
Yeah, I'm just as confused as the rest of you.
Vincent tries calling Shelke to see if he took the wrong tern at Albuquerque or something. Unfortunately, Shelke is trapped in legal issues with Lucasarts at the moment and her line has been disconnected.
Vincent prepares to sulk for a bit, but he is interrupted by a conveniently placed phonecall.
"Tifa?"
"Wha? You go through? Damn bitch! We in city that been in ruins for years and the next closest place that ain't in ruins farms giant fucking chickens."
"It's cool, I got the network."
"Not inside I'm not. There is nothing but sorrow and regret. All is blackness within." "Motherfucka, you're the whitest sonuvabitch I ever seen. You best shut up with that talk."
"Sorry 'bout that Tifa! I'd politely ask to talk if I didn't have a motherfuckin' gun for a hand! You know how fuckin' loud this thing is? I can't hear SHIT!"
This is sure to be a riveting conversation.
"Cloud. It's been a while."
"..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "Good to hear from you..."
We now fade out to see the rest of the old heroes kicking ass, no doubt.
Or more meandering exposition... What? You thought they'd actually go to the trouble of giving them ingame models? Hahaha. That's a good one!
"I don't think you should worry, though. Those two should be fine." "Yeah. And what about you?" "What do you think?" "Right! You can count on us!" To vanish until the ending "When I'm through, there won't be a single sucka standing! I pity the fool who still standing after I'm through." "Right."
"Don't worry. Leave Deepground to me. Though, you might want to know I've got the avatar or some ancient world ending darkness within me and I've lost the ability to control it. It might explode out any second. Maybe one of you coul--" "What? What was that Vincent? Fighting some guys. Wait. Can you hold on a second? Tifa." "Got it!" "Vincent, I'm sending you a map of the Shinra Building."
"Don't ask me where I obtained it or what good a map is going to do when there's only a solitary, linear course. I'm sure it'll come in handy."
"Good lu--" "Give 'em hell, Vincent!" "Barret, I thought I told you to--" "Bitch, go get your cell phone manual. It's called speaker phone. Fuckin' use it!"
<click>
"Assholes..."Tune in Next Time For:
Shooting Galleries!
Overcompensation!!
Impaling!!!
Bonus Content:
Spiderbot Mini-Boss and Lame Cutscenes
Cellphone Jibba-Jabba
Number of Cutscenes: 6
Total Cutscenes: 151