Part 42: Episode XL: Improper Use of Firearms

Episode XL: Improper Use of Firearms


So, we're back to the cyberpunk basement of the Shinra building. I know these Shinra pricks used to have a monopoly on the world's energy supply and all. But, I just find neon highlights along structures and spotlights for a glorified secret passage seems a bit, I don't know, excessive. Just sayin'.


Remember that elevator ride after the mini-boss fight? The one that was 30 seconds of staring at a wall? Well, it seems the developers want to ritz things up with the second (of fucking four total) minute plus long elevator rides. Games like Mass Effect or Left 4 Dead or what have you might have silly shit like amusing conversations or something half way entertaining.



Square-Enix settled for a shooting gallery. Since, the 10,000 beetles Vincent wasted his ammo on weren't enough. A mandatory bullet sink (well, mandatory in the sense that ignoring it will gimp your stats) is just the ticket.


Basically, a bunch of the helicopter mine enemies from the previous stage lazily float around the perimeter of the area and Vincent can shoot them. They then explode. Sometimes, even two might explode! This is fun, right? Right?!

Two minutes and literally 40 mines later.


Yippee. Out of fucking ammo for the only decent weapon again. Oh well, I'm sure there will be more through...


...fifteen minutes of laboratory corridors...


...or maybe fifteen minutes of office space...


...only to piss it all away on another elevator ride that lasts twice as long and features 60 mines!

My soul eroding just that much more later... Also, more lab corridors.


Hey, wasn't this area a stage in Zone of the Enders 2? I knew it looked familiar. Wait, no. Fuck! Don't think about good games. Soldier through! Finish the update.


Luckily, the interior is some sort of grimy, dimly lit set-up. Ya know, like the art style Midgar actually has...


"..."
"Have you been standing there with your arms folded waiting for me this whole time?"
"No, fool! Of course not. I had my hands on my hips for a while. Before that I was nonchalantly leaning against a pillar. I squatted for a bit, but my knees started to hurt. But, I cracked my knuckles menacing for a time as well. But, that can only be done so often."



"Bean burrito."


"Very well..."

"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...!!!!!!!!"


You know, before this battle begins. I just want to bring up a point. Now, thus far Azul has probably been the most prominent villain in the game. He's been around since the first stage, popped up numerous times. He's caused the only major good guy (not)death in the game. He is about to be the first reoccurring boss fight that is neither spider nor bot. All that and I'd just like to bring up an interesting point:

Through out the course of the entire game, Vincent has never once spoken to Azul. Just think about that for a minute.


Azul proceeds to pull a cannon out of his ass (quite literally) and the battle begins.


Azul is now 'Neo Azul'. I am not certain what makes him 'Neo' in this instance, since the entire fight is just copied and pasted from the first encounter with him.


With the exception that even less strategy is required, as the most effective tactic is to simply run around the central pillar as he lumbers slowly behind you.


Then to peak out and take pot shots. Moving slightly clockwise around the pillar every so often.


Occasionally, Azul will gain a burst of energy and dash to Vincent's location in an attempt to boot him in the face. Luckily, there's a solid second lag between his running animation ending and his booting animation beginning. Barring the sudden loss of one's thumbs by means of fire, genies, or ninja attack, it's fairly easy to avoid.

A couple minutes of circle strafing later...


"Don't you think so? Cutscenes utterly detached from the actual playable battle, resulting in no actual feeling of achievement! Yeeeeees!"


Are you really allowed to boast about your strength when your only method of attack has thus far been shooting things with a big gun?


"Don't worry, this should only take four episodes."
"You mean cutscenes."
"Huh. Yeah. Cutscenes. I said cutscenes. What did you think I said?"
"You said episodes."
"I...no. You misheard me. I said cutscenes. Four cutscenes."
"Right..."
"Besides, you have only five minutes until Namek explodes! Hahahah--"
"What? I think you've got the wrong script. There's five minutes until the elevator reaches Deepground."
"Right. That's what I said."
"No it wasn't. You clearly sa--"


"Hargharzenfats!"


We now face off against 'Arch Azul'. Arch Azul is a gimmick boss fight. One of the few shitty design decisions the game had yet to implement. AA's gimmick? He's immune to projectiles. All projectiles. As in bullets. This is a monster that is immune to bullets in a third person shooter...


Only physical and magical attacks hurt Azul as his skin made out of hard leather bullshit. And by physical and magical I mean just magical, since Vincent's melee attacks do double digit damage and this is a boss with the upper end of six digit HP. Of course, magical attacks only knock off maybe 500-700 HP a blast and Vinnie can maybe put out three or four strikes before running out of MP.


The answer to this is chugging the numerous magic restoring potions that have been stockpiled, since magic is worthless the previous 99% of the game. Or having Azul ram one of the little conduits circling the room for a Mako Point restore.

This method of attack is fairly safe, as Azul gallops along at a slower pace than Vincent and only attacks at close range. The downside is it takes roughly sixteen years, seven months, twenty-one hours, thirty-three minutes, and two point three seconds to defeat him.


The second method of beating Azul is to do your own big gay purple power up.


And just run over and smack the shit out of him. Limit Break melee attacks do in the neighborhood of 2000-3000 hits a strike, which adds up to 10,000 damage in just a few seconds. This either proves remarkably effective, as Azul's AI tends to flake out and seldom attack.


Alternatively, Azul will stun lock Vincent (each attack is an instant knockdown) and juggle him about until dead. Through the magic of phoenix downs, I managed to accomplish both of these outcomes. Go me...

A big hairy man-beast slap-fight later...


A job well done.


Vincent proceeds to walk off and leave his fallen foe behind, despite riding an elevator in-transit.




This failure in logic goes about as well as expected.


"Think you my defeat in mere gameplay bears any meaning? You fool! Only your cutscene victory holds any weight in this arena, boy."


While this is a slightly troubling turn of events, all will be made better shortly. It's been a while. But, we are dealing with Cutscene Vincent here. Who's powers include the ability to leap hundreds of feet in the air, super strength, guns that can one-shot helicopters, lightning fast reflexes (assuming at least two cutscenes had transpired prior to the need for said reflexes), and new to the mix...



...the ability to channel fucking Nightcrawler.




This is coupled with the mythical Five Point Palm Exploding Tittie Twister Technique.


Following the exchange, the two decide to switch transformation roles for a bit. A loving embrace of goofy colored glowing is shared by all, however.


"Can I play with this?!"
"What? No! Put that down!"
"But I want to play with it!"
"You can barely even lift it. You're not even holding it right."
"How do I shoot?!"
"You just have to. No you... You're not holding it right. You've got to turn it."


"Like this?!"
"No... No, the other way. Turn it the other way. To your left. No! No, to my left. Look. Hand it to me. You're not doing it right."
"How do I shoot?!"
"No. God! Just give it to me. I'll show you."


"Sure thing, skipper!"


"Gilligan!"


"I think I rolled more of a Night Elf."


"Barring that, I'm sure I'll pop-up somewhere in the EU."
"For both our sake let's hope it's the former!"



Since actually getting killed once, shot hundreds of times, shot hundreds of times more, exploding, and having a cannon quite possibly sever his junk (that thing is not jutting out of a fun position), Vincent decides to Hadoken Azul...just to be on the safe side.


This isn't actually a final show of respect. It's more like the developers going "oh shit, we just killed off the only two somewhat established villains and we're left with jockstrap kangaroo and that dude from the beginning of the game."

Though, thinking about it, it's probably a bad sign for cutscene density when there's only three stages left and they need to establish two villains before the finale...


So ends Azul. He died as he lived. Careening into an endless dark pit surrounded by trash. Real feeling of deja vu... Wonder what that's all about.

Tune in Next Time For:


Flashbacks!


Cackling!!


Overly Dramatic Gates!!!

Bonus Content:

Neo Azul Intro
Arch Azul Intro
Azul, We Hardly Knew Ya...

Number of Cutscenes: 3
Total Cutscenes: 154