Part 45: Episode XLIII: The Grim Adventures of Dr. Valentine

Episode XLIII: The Grim Adventures of Dr. Valentine


Meanwhile, Shelke is chilling out in the void of infinite darkness.


"...and still acting like a helpless child. I can see why Lucrecia had such a difficult time. Honestly, what manner of fool does not know how to will their way out of a void of darkness?"


"..."
"Oh...right..."


To any writers out there: It may be a sign of trouble in your narrative if the actual characters in your story have no idea what their motivations are.


"I suppose this is as good a time for any for an introspective monologue."


"Huh?!"
"Is this a bad time for a flashback...?"
"I am currently on the verge of being swallowed by a sea of nothingness. A better date could have been chosen."
"It'll just be a short flashback. It is very important."
"Ohh. Very well. Just make it quick."

We now fade into a Lucrecia flashback for the umpteenth time...


"Low rent, affordable crystallization for all your emo needs! Great neighborhood, too. It's what I'd been dreaming of!"


"That's a bit melodramatic, don't you think?"


"The keys to Armageddon just make me giddy as a schoolgirl!"




Oh, so Vinnie being so goth you shit bats wasn't due to experimentation. He was just honoring the family legacy. Well, I guess that's something...


"It was a fairly mediocre movie. Amazing soundtrack though."

Some time later in flashback land...


Well, hey. It's good to s--




Oh come on!



"It certainly didn't help Dracula the last time he resurrected. The guy barely made it a full weekend before --"
_{"Psst. Dr. Valentine...you're supposed to be a scientist."
"Right. A mad scientist using his arcane knowledge in battling the evi--"
"No... The regular kind. That wears a lab coat. That kind..."
"I...ah... Oh...?"}
"..."
"Well, don't I feel silly.."


"In any case, how is the formless mass of world cataclysm evil holding up?"
"Oh, fine. The containment field we leased off Umbrella Inc. seems to be holding it just fine. It's like a giant fish bowl for horrors of nature. Just, whatever you do don--"
<tap> <tap>
"Nooooo! Don't tap the glass!"



Grimore busts out a spaz attack...


...and shoulder blocks Lucrecia to the floor. Taking an armful of Kingdom Hearts brand plot device in the process.


"I'll be fine."


Now, most of the time having your arm infected by some supernatural energy would lead to a lucrative career as...


...professional...


...asskicker.


Since this is Dirge of Cerberus: it just leads to death.


"Tell him I'm sorry I was never there to urge him to have friends. Or to go out on dates. Or that my outfit is pretty silly and it shouldn't be emulated. Tell him I'm sorry I never played baseball with him or really ever made him go outside and get some exercise or made him eat right to grow up big and s-strong... Tell him I'm sorry I.. I..."
"Dr. Valentine! Dr. Valentine!"



And with those deep parting words of wisdom, he does just that. Never to be seen again.


Sorry, darling. Part of the Lucasarts lawsuit settlement contract...








"He probably went on to lead a fulfilling new existence in that boundless sea of potential that is the Lifestream."









We are violently thrown into yet another flashback...


We are greeted by a little girl with sepia vision crying over a grave.


"But... But..."
"It's alright. Mom just returned to the planet. We'll see her again."
"We will?"


Shinra Corporation: Making 1960s sitcoms a possibility today.


(A flashback that doesn't include Lucrecia? I get to have my own flashbacks? I would be amazed, could I conjure up a tone beyond melancholy. <sigh>)


(No... Shalua? Not dressed like a tramp? A dream sequence, then. That makes more sense.)


"Mom wouldn't lie to us, right?"
"Right. She told me I'm going to grow up big and pretty and have a bunch of friends and have a happy life with them all."


"Mom was a bit off with that last one..."



"'sup."


"No... It would have been alright if it had happened during your initial death scene. Now it would just seem contrived."
"So it wouldn't be that big of a deal, then?"
"Given the current narrative... But, beyond that..."


"Require for my character to have any warrant to my personality shift beyond a few older creeps counting on me for menial tasks."


"We'll see each other again."
"That is not particularly reassuring..."
"S'all I got. Later."

Back in reality...


"No... Data... Data interference. Flashbacks cannot also be dream sequences. That is absurd."



As Shelke emos it up a notch...


...Vincent looks on with nothing to add and no interest in the situation. It wouldn't be a Dirge of Cerberus cutscene otherwise.

Tune in Next Time For:


Exploding Barrels!


Grinding!!


Brotherly Love!!!

Bonus Content:

Flashback Clusterfuck

Number of Cutscenes: 7
Total Cutscenes: 169