Part 46: Episode XLIV: I Want You Inside Me

Episode XLIV: I Want You Inside Me


Whelp, it seems that whole trip into darkness has resulted in a point of no return.


But, not to fear. The scenic vistas of Deepground are only beginning. Did you think they'd let us get away with only 12 instances of cardkeys?


The theme for this half of the stage is bullshit explosives. Explosives are now hidden all over the stage. Right off the bat, there is one hidden inside an item box. Oh, those crazy pranksters.

Hoping over a few exploding barrels later... (Cardkey Count: 13)


Shortly after the midway point, Vincent comes upon some sort of factory...warehouse...brown brick structure #512. This area appears to be Deepground's explosive depository. You've got...


...a catwalk full of floating mines which require precision jumping. A hero with precise jumping mechanics was sadly unavailable.


Beyond that, there is a walkway with auto-homing invincible helicopter mines.



And then there is the best of all: a corridor with a hole in the wall that Deepground jokers are hurling infinite exploding barrels through in two second intervals.


And by two second intervals, I mean a barrel gets chucked in every second. They're just spawning from two different points at two second intervals. Vincent's slide has a half second delay before he can perform his next action. And his double jump doesn't have the range to clear the explosions. Which means the solution to this obstacle is getting blown the fuck up.


If you're lucky you'll get blown clear across the other side and only take a couple hundred damage. If you're unlucky, you'll get juggled between a few blasts and land back where you started, minus several hundred HP. If the Dirge of Cerberus Gods hate you, you'll clip into some of the scenery and get blown to shit. And no, shooting the barrels while they're in the air doesn't work, as another one will be thrown the exact second the explosion ends.


At the conclusion of the warehouse fireworks gauntlet a timer mysteriously appears and Vincent says he'd better hurry up. I have absolutely no idea what happens if time runs out as the countdown is deactivated as soon as you take two steps to the left out the door and every other direction is an invisible wall. I imagine the place will explode. Just a hunch.



In lieu of creating new enemies or challenging combat scenarios, the game just resorts to throwing more snipers than that shitty stage after D-Day in Medal of Honor. You know the one. On top of that, peppering auto-locking chainguns about the area for added flavor.

A few hundred holes in Vincent later... (Cardkey Count: 18)


We are now given the choice of two gates to use a single cardkey on. There is a bombed out building to the north.


Or a stairway leading downward to the east. I decided on the stairway. This was a grave error... For you see, this leads to a very special Stage Mission...


...


One hundred Deepground Soldiers spawn in incremental waves of 4-6 at any point in this arena surrounded by thee story tall scaffolds on each side. The prize for running the gauntlet is a "Golden Moogle" which sells for 35,000 gil.

Hmm... Let me think about this for a moment...

...

Alright, I think I know what to do here...


FUCK


THAT!

Fifteen minutes of retracing my steps to save a significant portion of my sanity...


The proper path is much more reasonable. No 100 enemy endurance match.


Just a doorway which opens to three miniguns, five snipers, and a handful of soldiers all with their sights trained at Vincent as soon as he opens to door.

My damage tally for this stage is in the five digit range and I still managed to get an 'A' later... (Cardkey Count: 22)



During the final stretch, Vincent comes upon this item of dubious usefulness. As the description suggests, this weapon adds to the power of melee attacks while using the firearm only useful during long range encounters... Thanks a bunch, guys.


Vinnie eventually makes it to the gateway to Mako Reactor 0 and the end of the stage proper. I'd just like to note, if you hadn't been paying attention, that was a stage which featured twenty-three instances of cardkeys.


"I had grown wary of spying on you from a distance, despite the ever so amusing private moments I witnessed."
"You were...watching?"
"Oh yes, Vincent. I was watching. I have always been watching. Even while you...poop."
"..."


"..."
"Not cool."


"Your brother?"
"Oh yes... He would be most...disappointed...were you not chained up like the naughty-boy you are."


This is...a bit too much information...



(I mustn't cry. I mustn't cry. Not in front of Vincent.)


"The plot reveals will be glorious. Like nothing you could ever imagine! It makes my nipples hard just thinking about them."


"Shelke?"
"Your former comrade...?"
"Mmmm...?"
"Red hair... Looks like a nine year old... Eyes occasionally glow...?"
"Not ringing any bells..."
"Permanent super wedgie?"
"I don't think it's proper for you to be looking there."
"..."



I don't think that's legal in most states.


Vincent disapproves. Granted, killing someone who absorbed or...whatever...one of your friends probably isn't the most constructive way of saving them.



"Do you know the fandango?"


And so the battle to see who truly is the skinniest goth with the fairest hair in all of Deepground begins...

Tune in Next Time For:


Anticlimactic encounters!


Pratfalls!!


The Return of Obnoxious Sidekicks!!!

Bonus Content:

Nero Appears

Number of Cutscenes: 1
Total Cutscenes: 170