Final Fantasy VII: Dirge of Cerberus Part #49 - Episode XLVII: Dirge For the Thread

Part 49: Episode XLVII: Dirge For the Thread

Episode XLVII: Dirge For the Thread

Welcome back to Mako Reactor 0. It's fitting the terrible brief stealth section was a sneak peak at the worst stage in the game.

This stage is designed with the sole purpose of fucking you over and attempting to crush any will to finish the game. This is accomplished in many ways. First off, 90% of the enemies are immune to bullets. So Vincent's woefully underpowered melee attack is the primary means of dealing with half the soldiers. With a healthy dose of being shot in the face beforehand.

For reasons not entirely clear, sections of this area seem to be channeling Turok 2 in the realm of 'can't see shit' draw distances.

On a related note, I'm gonna turn a Cerebral Bore on myself if you pricks don't stop posting creepy shit about Shelke.

These are of course ideal conditions for snipers.

Did I mention the snipers are bullet proof too?

Yes, nothing quite like an enemy that is not only hard to spot, has 100% accuracy, hits for 300 HP every three seconds, and is invincible until you get within the whole ten foot range of magic attacks.

I suppose it's just as well, it's not like you could zoom in and aim at the snipers to begin with. Most combat heavy 'indoor' areas feature infinitely spawning little ankle biter badniks. Nothing screams 'challenge' like an enemy you can't see two-thirds of the time because the they're a foot tall and the camera zooms in past their height.

A bullshit sniper room later...

Eventually we come to the balls of Deepground.

Our ultimate goal is to reach the core at the bottom level. I'm not sure what our motivation is for doing this or anything. But, that's where we're heading. Unfortunately, Cutscene Vincent doesn't feel like just jumping down there.

The stage's layout basically consists descending catwalks lining the perimeter before taking a little detour 'inside' and emerging on the opposite end of the central area in order to do it again.

Though, they're not very inventive with the...

...central area...

...stage missions.

Just throw in a few snipers and you're set. Can you spot the one in this screencap? He's behind me on an upper level shooting me in the back of the head.

It's nice that magic, melee, and long-range weapons, the three most useless combat functions thus far, are vital for the final major combat stage.

The outer areas consist of inching through winding corridors and catwalks. I am going to take a guess that the process which converts Mako Energy into electricity is some elaborate mechanism involving catwalks, pipes, and twisting corridors.

I'm not sure how beetles fit into the equation. I'll have to get back to you on that one.

At the moment I am too busy getting swamped by dozens of beetles.

Some time and a few dozen bugs and magic shield pricks later.

This stage does feature the most assholish section of the game. Behold: The Deepground Doom Tower.

This is easily the most difficult Stage Mission in the game. As you can see, the Doom Tower features four rocket troopers. In between them are snipers. Bullet proof snipers. Which would be bad enough. But, the rocket troopers have also been taking target practice.

Which is made evident the second the cutscene ends, since roughly .03 seconds later two rockets will immediately slam into Vincent's face. This is completely unavoidable unless you know it's coming and immediately move.

The Doom Tower itself is out above a bottomless pit all by itself. Which opens the question as to how all those guys got out to it.

On top of the Doom Tower is a stack of explosive barrels and boxes. I think the designers intended for you to shoot one of the barrels and cause the rest cascade down around the soldiers so you could blow them up.

Unfortunately, Dirge of Cerberus' physics are fairly terrible and they all just drop into the abyss. Besides, lining up a shot before they fall would me you actually had time to line up a shot while two or three missiles are being forcefully shoved directly up your asshole.

If that was an insufficient amount of bullshit, there's the fact that the fence in front of Vincent is a solid object and he's not tall enough to shoot over it. So all bullets while standing at the lowest level of the area will just wack into the barrier. The rail around the Doom Tower also deflects bullets. Going to a higher level means the rocket snipers light up your ass as soon as you peak out.

It's like the developers played Far Cry, saw the Rocket Trigen and said "yes...yes, we need that in our game".

And don't even think about falling back on the Limit Break. The number of enemies on the Doom Tower causes its fireball homing powers to completely wonk out and just go flying into a wall. Or the world's most durable guard rail.

Also, it makes Vincent a bigger, slower target for rockets.

More swearing than a Tarantino movie later...

There's quite a bit of other retarded crap going on during the journey to the bottom level. But only one other thing sticks out. You see this pipe?

There is an invisible wall above this pipe.

The game makes you crouch walk underneath it. The crouch walk is never required in any other part of the game. Shit, I didn't even know you could walk while crouching. In fact, I'd forgotten Vincent even could duck because you never, ever need to do so.

WHY?! Why would you do this?!

Some more bullshit later. Including a room with infinitely spawning enemies that doesn't really let you on that they're infinitely spawning later...

Vincent eventually makes it to the central bridge. Hmm... Ominous final boss type chamber ahead. Huge bridge suspended above Mako. I smell an epic boss battle.