Part 53: Episode LI: Monologue

Episode LI: Monologue


So, apparently Weiss doubles as a hologram projector.


Hojo warps around the room during his rant and has a little digital audio reverb for added effect. Just in case you forgot about the whole Internet plot twist.


Okay, let's just get one thing straight.


Soul wrought of terra yadda yadda yadda is not a goddamn thesis. It is an incoherent rambling barely suitable to be posted on an emo teenager's Livejournal.


"Says the man who tried to stop the heroes by injecting himself with cells of an ancient beast of legend."
"Jenova was no beast! It was an alien being from another world."
"The difference being...?"
"Science!"



Okay, my suspension of disbelief is shot here. This implies someone actually used Vincent in their party and I just simply cannot accept that as being canon.


Well, there's old Grimoire. But, the writers have long since forgotten about him.



Uhh... I don't think it works that way. Vincent can transform into the humanoid avatar of destruction. Which is proportionally just a sort of tall guy with wings.


Hojo essentially wants to turn into Godzilla. I think that might be a tight fit. Unless 'becoming Omega' is sort of like how Nero 'becomes' a robotic spider by just sort of taping himself to the top of one.


Isn't Omega made out of the lifestream and it essentially triggers the Rapture before flying off? Err...doesn't that make it a ride that literally everyone on the planet is going on? Just saying.


I take it this was not the case for Chaos, seeing as a lanky body guard was a suitable candidate.



Within the next ten minutes, our hero will be one-shotted by a karate kick to the head.


I like for a game where all of the hero's backstory involves assholish scientists, they just sort of glaze over what exactly these 'experiments' were. There was just vague science and suddenly Vincent is indestructible. Then more vague science and suddenly he can transform into a steroid filled furry and Jason Voorhees. Then a bit more and suddenly he can morph into the herald of the apocalypse and there's a baseball sized magic stone in his chest to make sure he doesn't go bananas.

...

You know what, it's better if they just don't explain any of that...


Really... That's what was going on back then? Let's take a trip down memory lane...


So, that whole thing was just a ruse?


No... Wait. Hold up here. This story doesn't even make any damn sense to begin with. He injected himself with Jenova cells in an attempt to become suitable for Omega, right? And he only believed in Lucrecia's Chaos/Omega bullshit after he saw Vincent transform in battle. Which means they're talking about the boss fight with Hojo. The one which opens with him going "Bwahaha. I injected myself with Jenova! Check it out!" There's a slight problem with this timeline...


Except, it clearly shows him doing that in the intro movie. Looking back now, there was a solid week between the Hojo fight and the whole Meteor destroying Midgar thing. Which means Hojo got his shit wrecked as a big mutant. Then no one bothered to ya know...nudge him or put a few more bullets in his skull to make sure he was dead. Hojo then survived a solid week post being shot, blown-up, and stabbed on top of the Mako cannon with nobody finding him. He then finally dragged himself to a conveniently placed computer console and upload himself onto the Internet. Did I get all that right? Jesus H. Christ...


Or several thousand Stormtroopers and a cheap Fox-Hound knock-off of color themed moderately strong guys.


How? Did he leave favorable comments on his Deviantart page or something? Maybe they exchanged Sephiroth fanart until Nero agreed to err...modify the virus scan so he wouldn't get deleted? You're losing me here, guys.


"I never expected downloading a man on the Internet into my brother's mind would cause him to take control of my beloved brother's mind. Blargh!"


Well, at least someone's having a good time.


"And also my acting career. Did you see my broadcast? I think I nailed that one."


"...then the almighty Omega would be born of a pure one."


"...thus awakening Omega inside me."
"Then why kill everyone who wasn't pure? Doesn't everyone's energy just return to the Lifestream when they die? For that matter, was kidnapping them even necessary?"
"No. I suppose not."
"Then why do it?"
"Did you miss the part about minions? Have you ever had minions? It is marvelous!"


Hojo is just going to go ahead an glaze over why an ancient monster deep within the earth, which has already been established as an actual physical being, would decide to merge with some buff guy in karate pants and a bad case of '80s hair metal.


Pictured: A man who once tried to mate a woman and a talking dog.


At least it was very kind of Vincent to stand there and hear out his mortal enemy for so long.




Just once in my lifetime I would like some cocky anime badass have a bullet fly at their head in slow motion, only to have the scene end with their brain being blown out of the back of their skull.


This, of course, will not be happening today.


Vincent at least gives Weiss' swords a good beating.


Speaking of which, Weiss' swords?


Functional gunblades. Machinegunblades, in fact. Ones working on John Woo-style bottomless ammo drums.


Vincent tries a few flanking maneuvers to get closer to Weiss. Weiss, the guy so fast with his swords that he can block bullets from point blank range...



This error lands Vincent a spinkick to the face which completely floors him. Our hero, folks.


"You were calling me 'boy' just a minute ago. Besides, I haven't aged a day since the flashbacks."
"Pfft. Big deal. Neither have I. You don't see me, brilliant genius scientist Hojo, bragging."


"If you could sit slightly less spread-eagle, that would be great. I know you had a thing for that woman, but you don't have to emulate her quite so closely. Hahahaha!"



Hey! Wasn't this Sephiroth's vague plan? Absorb lifestream. Become Godlike being. Fly into space or some shit.



"So eager to die, are we? Oh...wait... I see... You want some of that pesky 'gameplay' nonsense. Is that it? Very well."


I was sort of hoping that, while having super reflexes and strength, Weiss would flail about with a sword like the Star Wars kid. After all, there's a middle-aged lab rat piloting him at the moment. I don't think they're known for their combat finesse.


Then again, that would be asking for actual humor in a game where comic relief is a Scottish cat that died hours ago and a ditzy ninja that's been in about four scenes.




Bonus Content:

Hojo the Rambler

Number of Cutscenes: 4
Total Cutscenes: 195