Part 59: Episode LVII: Rooting For the Home Team

Episode LVII: Rooting For the Home Team


Despite having clearly been at the Shinra building a few moments earlier...


Vincent has opted to fly as far away from Omega as you can get and still be within Midgar's borders.


Actually, scratch that. We're currently outside Midgar's borders since this is the tip of the Mako Cannon. Nice work, Vinnie.


We are now playing as Chaos. While cutscene Chaos can fly at breakneck speeds like it's no big thing, gameplay Chaos can not.


Gameplay Chaos can gently glide about the maze of invisible walls between him and Omega.


Infact, they took away Vincent's double jump for his winged Halloween costume outing. So, what does Chaos have going for him?


Chaos comes equipped with the Death Penalty i.e. the best weapon in the game. So, congrats if you bothered to pour time and grinding into upgrading all the regular game's weapons. The developers saw it fit to invalidate all your efforts on the final stretch.


The Cerberus will one-shot any enemy from here to the ending. Granted, there's only one enemy type... But still, challenge of any sort can be cast into the wind.


Speaking of enemies, this winged zit looking jobber is the only foe to be contended with from here on out. It darts quickly around the area.


And it shoots purple lasers. And...that's about all there is to say about that. Vincent will be fighting roughly five dozen of them between here end the stage end. But, given his current weapon destroys all of them, even multiple in a row, with one shot. It's not too much to worry about.


Chaos also has a new melee attack combo which looks very impressive. Too bad every single enemy we'll be encountering is well beyond the invisible walls. Much less melee range.


The one plus side I can attest to is that the dodge attack has actually become useful. Vincent will swoop a good ten yards in and direction upon pressing it. So, in summary: Vincent can actually dodge worth a damn and can ruin everything's shit in a single shot.

I'm shocked they just didn't make this an extended cutscene...


Speaking of invisible walls, this stage is king of them.


Both halves of the area are composed of assorted tile sets from the third act of the game cobbled together haphazardly across floating space for no real reason other than 'playable Chaos stage' to be a bulletin at a developer meeting.



After an arbitrary distance of floating platforms and laser shooting pimples, Vincent decides to give that whole 'flying' thing a second chance.




A mid-air laser tag battle ensues.


It is concluded by Vincent picking a random destination in the floating rubble to make a secondary pitstop. He also shows of his new still retarded, but slightly less idiotic Chaos Shoes. I guess golden elf slippers are a step-up from point metal boots.



I couldn't really tell you where this new location is supposed to be. I'm sure there's an obscure text out there that explains its the ruins of a seedy motel in Wall Market where Vincent once spent the night because he locked his keys in his car and there was no locksmiths available at that hour.


More floating around aimlessly blasting cannon fodder takes place for the duration of this area. Just so you don't get your hopes up, the giant fuck-off Omega is never going to budge any more than if it were replaced by the Statue of Liberty. In fact, Vincent can just stand here and glare at the horizon for the rest of the afternoon and the end of the world is never going to take place. So, no pressure or anything. Just sit back and relax.


You have that luxury, at least. I had to discover they put a fucking file collect-a-thon at the last leg of the adventure.

Yes, it would seem Omega's awakening has caused it to shit out another handful of Lucrecia's files for that ever so vital backstory. The game gives no indication they are in the area until the third of four appears in plain sight. Of course, the first two were back in the now inaccessible first area. And I'm not replaying that. Nor am I pointing out the locations of the rest since I doubt anyone gives a remote crap. So, here is Part Two of the Omega Reports. Enjoy.


Does anyone actually use the word 'ominous' in a serious tone? Just wondering.


"And if so, will sticking it in a big jar cause any adverse effects? Will have to investigate later."


I don't see how that makes Chaos Omega's anti-thesis. If anything, he's like Omega's janitor. Granted, a six foot tall flying guy with a laser pistol may not be the most effective genocidal harbinger of doom ever. But, who am I to judge?

Nice dick move condemning Vincent to kill all of creation and be left behind on the barren wastes of a dead world, though. Happy Valentine's Day indeed.


So... Huh...? Now, let me get this straight... Omega is basically a big space shuttle for when the planet is fucked, right? The Lifestream is the passengers on that shuttle. Chaos makes sure everyone gets the hell on board before lift-off by killing everything and returning it to the planet/lifestream. Am I following that right?

But, the planet might get cold feet and made some MacGuffin materia to keep Chaos in check. Once which only works if you surgically implant it in Chaos, no less. And the only way the planet would probably want to do this is because of ohh...the retarded plot of Deepground tricking the planet to commit suicide...

Did I get that right? I think someone needs to make a flowchart here.


Well, that was all very enlightening. In other news, Vincent eventually makes it to a helipad.


He then fights about three dozen laser acne monsters. It is all riveting, I assure you.

Following the fight...



Omega decides it's had enough of these contrived gameplay shenanigans and unleashes a giant energy blast.



Things don't look good for old Vinnie. At least, I'm assuming so. There's no numbers popping out of his head to inform me exactly how much damage this is doing to him.


I'd say it's about time for a well placed deus ex machina, no?




So at what point did Cloud go from being able to do a two dozen hit combo on a guy and maybe kill him. To being able to cut buildings, Mako Reactors, and spectral tendrils of doomsday monsters in half? I must have missed that character development.


Cloud Strife is all about the popped collar look. It nicely complements his man-tits.


"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"...!"


Elsewhere, Tifa kicks a dog in the face. This apparently blows up another reactor due to the sheer gravitational pull of free floating DD's.


"Yep... Yep, got a pretty good picture. The game is crap. Plot's in the gutter. Time for some cameos."


Barret celebrates Barack Obama's inauguration.


Pictured: Cutting Edge CGI.




And, in a five second cameo, Cid manages to outdo anything remotely badass Vincent has accomplished in the last five hours.


Oh, so Shelke managed to hike it clear across Midgar from the Shinra Building in about ten minutes time? What a trooper. And Yuffie managed to do the same plus make it from the bowels of Deepground in slightly over that time frame.

Let's see who else...? Reeve survived an airship crash and a whole two WRO soldiers made it through the Midgar Assault.


I guarandamntee you this is one of those two guys.


Poor Reeve. What was his last scene? A pep talk with Shelke back on Cid's Airship?


"I think I'll call this one the Great Omega Armageddon, now that I'm a veteran and key player in it, of course."


Couldn't tell you, kid. You'd have to have a voice actor with the ability to emote anything beyond for that whole change to be detected.



I mean, it's not like these jokers had ever taking on a world ending demi-god before or anything. It's clearly all up to Vincent Valentine and his silly devil costume and laser gun.


"Holy shit that Weiss guy has ridiculous hair. Who would think that looks good?"


<sigh> "There's no way they could make a hentai comic out of this cameo, right...?"


"That is a beautiful, beautiful man."


"You owe me 20 gil you !@#z$%^&*!@!!!"


"Reeve Tuesti: Hero of the Omega Onslaught. I can see the headlines now..."


"We did it!"


I honestly couldn't make anything more cheesy than this image if I tried.



So that's it? That's our hero's final motivation. 'Meh...yeah, I guess I should... Would look kind of bad if I didn't... What with the cheering and stuff...'?



"Gingivitis... You're going down!"


And so, energized by the power of friendship with people he never really talked to much and just killed things with a few years ago...





Vincent rockets through Omega's shields.


And st... Wait, did we channel the fucking Power Rangers here...?

Ehem...

Right...


Straight...


Into the most cringe worthy sequence of the game!

Bonus Content:

DBZ Valentine Edition
Go Vincent!!!

Number of Cutscenes: 3
Total Cutscenes: 210