Part 63: Dirge of Cerberus - Dirge of Cerberus - Dirge of Cerberus - Dirge of Cerberus - Epilogue: Hate... Hate! HATE!!!

Epilogue: Hate... Hate! HATE!!!


And so as a new dawn rose, everyone was horribly burnt by the sun's piercing rays after the atmosphere exploded.


Oh, that's cute. They're bogarting the ending from Final Fantasy VII. Just one thing, though.


It's not 100 years later Midgar was well inland and surrounded by wasteland just the other day...


How is any part of the Shinra Tower still standing? You'd think a city sized monster taking off right above it would finally level the building.


I guess you are pretty dead, huh? Sucks.


...and has begun to flow normally once again.


...or at least started to try. With my friend Jack Daniels.


Have you been to this 'Wikipedia' site? I started off making an entry for S.N.D. and ended up looking at a page about the origin of rock paper scissors...


I think I may be a little stronger than I was before. Well, outside the body of a nine year old thing.

Yuffie rushes in.


"He hasn't found anything. Though, I think he might have gone back to moping about Aeris. Or Sephiroth resurrected again and he's battling him... I forget which."


"He could just be dead, you know."
"No way. That would make too much sense."
"Well... When you put it that way..."


Do you remember the last word's we exchanged? Do you remember our promise? The thing about ending the story. Well, could you possibly get around to that?


Go. Tell her how you feel.


Protomateria?



Wait... This is a text message...? They have search parties out looking for Vincent after he turned into a demon and caused a massive explosion by colliding with a giant monster. And Shelke is banking on him having held onto his cellphone through all this?


...but, I have to try... The writers couldn't think of a better way to stick in a sappy monologue at the conclusions.


wtf tldr sry :P


"YAAAAAAAAAAAWWWN. Oh man... I'm draaaaagging today. What time is it? Ooooh... Did I miss anything important...?"
"Nothing at all, big cat. Nothing at all..."



...agree to a sequel.

Whelp folks, that's a wr--wait, there's more? For fuck sake...

On the Epilogue's Epilogue...


Oh, for Christ sake.


"Lucrecia. Everything is alright now. You can lift that restraining order."


"In thousands of charred pieces. Not sure how I made it, though... Eh, details..."


"It was you."


"Well, an AI copy of you and maybe a ghost or something like that. I'm not too clear."


"In any case, I've learned that the actual you was a horrible twat and I have no idea what I ever saw in you besides a nice rack. Goodbye. Go to hell. I'm having Cid bomb the opening to this cave right after I leave."


And so, despite being frozen in crystal, Lucrecia sheds a single tear as the curtains close on th--

There's more? Now this is just getting silly!

On the Epilogue's Epilogue's Epilogue...


"Ugh. Man... This has to be the earliest I've been outside in years. I am so not a morning person."


"..."
"..."
"Shit..."


"Why are you wearing a skirt that is barely twice the size of your belt...?"
"I've been staying with Tifa."


"Being that it's a sheer cliff face over jagged rocks and all."



And the creepiness meter explodes from overload!


"..."
"..."
"I hate my game..."


"Just one question, Vincent Valentine."
"What?"
"What is going to happen when the world really does end?"
"Huh...?"


"Isn't that going to be a bit of a problem...?"
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Shit!"

Alright, kiddies. It's be--MORE?! What, is this fucking Lord of the Rings?!

On the Secret Ending...


Meanwhile, back at Midgar, the city were everything important happens within view of the Shinra Tower and Mako Cannon.


Or rather, a cave deep beneath Midgar which may or may not be Deepground but is undoubtedly deep underground...


We come upon a dead Weiss spread eagle on a stone. I don't like where this is going...



Weiss' broken form lets passes some electrical gas. Must be like how corpses make gross noises from gases escaping hours after death, only for buffed out anime rejects.



The electrical discharge seems to disturb a nearby man trapped in a flying water sphere. Err...what?


"Who dares disturb my bath?!"



The sphere then explodes. Since, why not?



Out pops a...surprisingly dry guy for having been encased in water and wearing leather. Who is this mysterious new figure?


A man so goth his shadow covers small parking lots...


A man so fabulous his boots float on water...


Who is this man of mystery...?


Why, it's none other than 'G' -- better known as Gackt. And yes, that is really him. He's live action in this scene.



Gackt scoops up Weiss, knowing how White the Clean loves his manly embraces.


"Death from falling thousands of feet upon hard stone is also frowned upon."



"...that's right."


"...Sequels. Wahahahahahah! AHAHAHAHA! HAAAHAAHHHAAAHAAAA!!"


And so Gackt grows a giant wing...



...and glides in a circle before crashing, since he has one fucking wing and that is dumb.


I hate this fucking game.

Bonus Content:

The Epilogue(s)
The Secret Ending (You should probably watch this one)
'Redemption' Music Video (Featuring Gackt in Dreadlocks with the same stupid outfit from the secret ending)

Number of Cutscenes: 1
Total Cutscenes: 222

In Closing...

Fuck this game. Fuck everyone behind the making of this game. Fuck Tetsuya Nomura. Fuck Square-Enix. Fuck Vincent Valentine. Fuck Final Fantasy VII. Fuck J-RPGs. Fuck Japan. Fuck you for enjoying my suffering. And fuck me for going 'hey, Dirge of Cerberus...there's a good game to LP' nearly 11 months ago.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!