Part 25: A Parade... of Mini-Games
Chapter 25 - A Parade... of Mini-GamesAll aboard the train to the most depressive coastal town.
We get this bizarre mini-game. Basically you have to fill up your lungs with air
and release it to help the kid because she lacks basic survival instinct.
After doing it for some time, she coughs and the old man takes her away.
Power Wrist is a very nice little item, 10 Strength is just lovely.
What's the correct course of action in FF7's world? There's not a single good and cheap place to live.
We can now stay and spend the night in the old woman's house. We might as well because right now there's no way for us to get up on the main city.
Of course a good night of sleep to Cloud means hearing voices.
"You'll find out soon. ...But more importantly, 5 years ago..."
"5 Years ago... Nibelheim?"
"Yeah...I was surprised."
"But where was Tifa other than that?"
"...I dunno."
"It was a great chance for you two to see each other again."
"...You're right."
"Why couldn't you see each other alone?"
"...I don't know. I can't remember clearly..."
Cloud: "When Sephiroth and I went to Nibelheim, where were you?"
Tifa: "We saw each other, right?"
Very suspicious, why do both of them have a memory lapse?
Something does seem strange indeed. Because when you wake up, you wake up to this music.
Seriously, what the hell?
Many a player share your sentiment, Yuffie.
No Red, this has to do with a Leslie Nielsen tribute they're doing in Upper Junon.
Considering she likes playing on the water right next to a tower filled with electricity, I give her about 10 days.
I don't mind when they say "the Shinra" but saying "Shinra, Inc" always seemed a little weird.
Every time we get an item I feel like we're cheating.
[Shiva] is another Summon materia.
Here's a reminder about Summon materias. They're boring, as a whole.
As a rule of thumb, each summon deals slightly more damage than the previous summon and uses a different element. Choco/Mog does Wind and Shiva does Ice damage. Summons tend to do more damage than other spells available at the time, and you can only use them once per battle (per level of the materia).
Unfortunately we have Ice2 which is almost as good as Shiva and we have Beta, which is much, much better than everything else and costs 3 more MP than Shiva.
And yes, Beta is stupid.
Barret is listening to Bad Apple on his MP3 Player. His friends call his taste in music the "Barret Hell".
Got it? Got it?
Parades. We just love Parades.
Sad thing is, my grandparents did the same
That Urban Department guy is an asshole.
Oh I'm not one to question that, Priscilla. I do believe in you.
I love how they talk so casually about that. Then again it's not like Sephiroth has WANTED! posters all around the town.
Whenever Red speaks, I imagine it in Shepherd Book's voice. This would be a very awkward moment for Cloud.
Silly girl, climbing a high-voltage tower is a very real possibility once you've climbed a wall of debris 50 meters high.
Mr.Dolphin.
Tifa: "I guess this means Cloud'll be all right."
Aeris: "Yeah, better leave it to Cloud!"
Red XIII: "We're counting on you, Cloud."
Cloud: "Hey!!"
Hahahahahaha I love the humor in this game.
Chit-chat.
I didn't cap it but the Dolphin is also a mutant capable of jumping obscenely high.
So yeah, we get another mini-game. This one is very annoying. Actually, all mini-games in this city are very annoying. But what we have to do is position ourselves in the arbitrarily correct spot on the water and call the dolphin.
Yes, because if I don't make it I'll just die from the tower. I love you guys too.
Oh God why are we doing this
Arrghhh my head you stupid dolphin.
By the way if you get anywhere close the tower you are shocked and pass out.
This is exactly like Super Mario 64 cannon stars.
After much suffering and pain we do it!
Oh, cutscenes!
Holy bananas.
And I was like, damn.
I want me some of that.
The airport has a fairly big area we cross. Also, look at that battleship in the background.
Awesome, we get to play "pretend to be a soldier".
Actually, if you think about it, how do you distinguish a soldier from SOLDIER when speak? Do you make a serious face and speaks louder than usual? "Oh, Mike? I heard he's... a SOLDIER..."
I love when the game presents me with meaningful decisions such as:
1 - Proceed with the plot.
2 - Don't proceed with the plot and stay locked without anything to do until you choose number 1.
You can never change your nature, Cloud.
He's of course talking about his brief career as a crossdresser.
Of course before becoming a professional he was a hobbyist, but God knows when he started.
Bras before shoes, man.
Of course he does, he has Don Corneo's seal of approval you silly.
Anyway you got the idea, blabla, let's move on.
Honestly this is just a long-ass tutorial for the next mini-game. It's really not interesting.
It's also utterly pointless because the mini-game is broken.
Do notice how even the buildings have cannons.
I hope you haven't changed that music, because it's still playing.
Of course I'm referring to this music.
As we leave we also get to see the big-ass cannon from below.
You know, there's something wrong with this game. Just look at the sword sizes. Now this. I mean, draw your own conclusions, just saying.
This city must be rust hell.
Ok, so to put it bluntly.
The Live TV Ratings are going down for no real reason. It's your goal to join in the middle of the parade and march as if nothing happened. Once in, you can then make moves with your gun and for some bizarre, unexplained reason, each time you do that people feel compelled to turn the TV on and the ratings go up.
Depending on how high the ratings are, you gain a prize. The prizes are all fairly mediocre but if you get more than 50% you gain 5000 Gil.
Of course, the initial rating is random and it keeps going lower, so it's possible that no matter how good you do, you won't make more than 50%.
The real problem here is that this mini-game is a mess. You watch two other soldiers doing the same and going in from behind, which is what you think you're supposed to do, but it's much easier to go in from the front.
Once you're in the spot, and you need to sit in a VERY perfectly aligned spot, you need to mash the O button like a retard to make these TV ratings go up. You have something like 5 seconds to do a miracle.
Afterwards the people from Shinra TV comment about your performance and send you a prize for making the TV ratings go up... Look, I don't know, it doesn't make sense for me either.
It took me more tries to get 50+% than I wish to admit, but we did it!
NEXT TIME:
Yet more mini-games, TURKS!!, Items, Red acting weird.
Bugs & Bytes - Chapter 25
Fort Condor
Since Squaresoft didn't feel like there were enough Mini-games in Junon, there are actually two Fort Condor battles available between when you wake up and when you jump up the tower. Yes, two, separated by some dialogue with Priscilla.
Did you know?
There's been 2600 images posted in this LP already, of which 56 are portraits and of these, 13 are President Shinra portraits, because there's nothing not to love about Niska doing faces.
And for a Mental Exercise:
How many phallic objects have we seen in the game so far? Here, let me help you start it:
