Final Fantasy X Part #3 - Episode II: Blitz My Ball

Part 3: Episode II: Blitz My Ball

So, time to venture forth into the world of FMV Cutscenes Land. The characters in FMV Land have all been replaced by Asian stunt doubles cosplaying the lead cast's roles. For insurance purposes, of course.

So are you ready to hear some awful buttrock?

Music: Otherworld (Recommended Listening)

Fuck yeah you're ready to hear some awful buttrock! It's time to fucking BLITZBALL!!!!

Well, in a minute. They need to fire up the Tesla device to prep the arena first. Why didn't they do this prior to the stadium being full to the brim with spectators? Well, it's a giant magic electric ball of energy. You'd wanna see that thing fired up first hand too.

We will be hearing a lot about Blitzball during the course of Final Fantasy X. It's the most popular sport in all the world. Granted, it is also the ONLY sport in the entire world. So its popularity may be somewhat inflated due to that fact. Regardless, the Jecht Memorial Cup is basically the Superbowl of Blitzball.

If you didn't bother listening to that awkward announcer yammering earlier, Jecht was pretty much the best Blitzball player ever. But he vanished due to Time Compression or fell into a Mako Reactor or tripped into a Time Gate or whatever the hell plot device this Final Fantasy is using and he's been gone for a decade. Now his son, Tidus, is grown up and the hot shit player around the Blitzball scene.

So we still have that question of what the hell Blitzball is...

Yeah, we'll get to that in a minute. First we've got a suicidal wandering samurai to attend to across town. Wait, what...?

Oh, correction. He's not a suicidal samurai. He's just drunk and stumbling off to a quiet spot away from the blitz crazy crowds to enjoy a drink of Fantasy Sake or whatever the regional Final Fantasy samurai alcoholic beverage of choice is renamed here.

Mr. Ronin raises his booze jug to his fellow anti-Blitzball drinking partner. Who is that, you ask?

Oh, just a gigantic water swell possible generated by a monstrosity from the depths of the ocean. A good partner for conversation at bars but ultimately embarrassing due to being lousy tippers.

But enough about the encroaching Kaiju. There's a Blitzball game to play! Blitzball is an underwater sport played with a Katamari ball and reckless abandon for ignoring any and all physics. The rules of Blitzball are fairly hard to parse at the moment.

There doesn't seem to be any designated sides to the field sphere. The use of hands and feet to move the ball seem to be allowed. There is no standardized uniforms for leagues other than vaguely wearing the same colors.

Sodomy toward opposing players? Kosher.

Twirling maneuvers do not seem to be a part of the rule book, but by all accounts are an accepted practice.

Decking players so hard they're ejected from the magic levitating water sphere and into the crowd, potentially injuring several spectators and shattering the spine and/or neck of the player slammed into the bleachers? Totally okay in the rule book as well! And Tidus feels damn proud of himself for doing it.

But, keep in mind that this is all FMV Land Blitzball. Later in Final Fantasy X we will actually be able to play the game ourselves. And it is BORING. AS. FUUUUUCK!

Anyhow, Mr. Sunglassesatnight has clambered down from atop one of the city's skyscrapers and is busy doing his best "No fucks to give" strut across town.

Several thousand foot tall giant waterball dissolving the entire city in the distance? Fucks given by this guy? Zero!

Back to Blitzball, the object of the game is to toss/kick the Katamari ball into a goal in order to score points. What? Too normal? There's only so much fantasy mumbo-jumbo you can toss into a sports game and still make it coherent.

An EXTREMELY integral part of the Blitzball celebration practices is the high five. I simply cannot stress this enough. Leaving a bro or broette hanging is an insult of the highest caliber and can get a player blacklisted from the Blitzball league. Final Fantasy X is EXTRMELY pro-high fives. I'll go ahead and spoil that one of the final scenes of this game features the most ridiculous high fives ever recorded. So that's something to look forward to.

As previously mentioned, one of the basic tenants of Blitzball is utterly ignoring all aspects of physics and the laws of gravity. Issac Newton? That dick didn't play Blitzball. The fuck does he know about sports?! With that in mind, Tidus goes for a goal by swimming so fast straight up out of the sphere that he launches roughly fifty feet into the air in order to do a flying backflip kick of the blitzball into the goal. Or maybe that's just how you do penalty shots. What do I know?

Either way, Tidus' graceful Fantasy Sports Illustrated cover shot is rudely interrupted by the looming water ball firing a volley of death rays into the city.

And there goes the neighborhood.

The funny thing is, giant sea monster attacks still wouldn't have causes as much financially damage to the city's infrastructure as the blitzball riots that would have ensued if Tidus' team won the cup. Blitzball fans make football hooligans looks like pussies when it comes to post game property damage.

Continuing to ignore physics and gravity in general despite the game's untimely postponement, Tidus manages to... I guess double-jump from his backfip kick in order to latch onto one of the support beams in the blitzball arena.

Unfortunately, Tidus' efforts at saving his ass are wasted. As one can ignore gravity all they want. It iss still going to be a cruel mistress when everything is exploding around you.

I'd almost be worried about Tidus' safety if I gave half a shit about him. Plus that whole future narration framing device means everyone present in that scene has plot armor until we reach that part of events. Kind of kills a bit of the tension, no...?