Part 4: Episode III: Swing My Sword

Music: Hurry!!





When last we left Final Fantasy X, the Kraken had been released and was fucking shit up in Zanarkand. Also Tidus plummeted several hundred feet straight into jagged debris while the entire stadium crumbled on his head. He will be mis-



Oh wait. He's fine. And...somehow back outside the blitzball stadium. Not sure the logistics of that... Other than they were too lazy to build a screen inside the destroyed stadium.

Tidus brushes himself off and flees south from the stadium. Here he bumps into...



"What are you doing here?"
"I was waiting for you."



So this is Auron. Auron is pretty awesome. He’s significantly more intelligent than most of the cast, has one of the less moronic character designs, and generally is just a bad motherfucker. His chief trait is he just plain doesn’t give a fuck. No matter how much bullshit pops up that would boggle the mind of lesser men, Auron will never EVER be remotely impressed.

As such, our goal for the next few segments is to have Tidus’ tool ass follow Auron’s lead since “professional underwater polo player” is about as useless a skill to have during a giant monster siege as you can get.

Tidus continues running south...





A screen transition later and we find Tidus back on the ten story high walkway from earlier. One would think that would be the last place you’d want to be running around while a creature with death rays is cutting down entire skyscrapers in the distant. But I’m sure Auron knows what he’s doing and it's totally not a case of it being easier to just change the skybox in an already made area for the disaster segment.





Oh hey. It’s Ghost Kid. How’s tricks, Ghost Kid?



Tidus goes to holla at his boy, Ghost Kid, but stops short when he notices something is a wee bit off. Like the sounds of destruction and panicked cries in the chaos have silenced...



Oh yeah. And time sort of froze. That’s kinda weird too. I mean, I assume. I don’t know what crazy rules this fantasy world follows. They've already established water is basically this frictionless substance not unlike air, except it gets you wet (yet will NOT mess up a carefully feathered head of hair.)





”Hey! Who said anything about crying? I just got some smoke in my eyes is all!”
“Whatever you say to help you sleep at night.”







And with that, time resumes and we’re back to the whole Godzilla assault on Zanarkand.



Auron probably saw the time stop too and he just finds himself annoyed that that Tidus is taking for goddamn ever to run down the street.

Tidus catches up with Auron...





"Look."
"Umm. At what?! There's kind of a LOT of stuff going on right no--"





"...Oh. The err... the ocean isn't supposed to do that, right...?"



"'Sin'?"
"Who's this 'we'? And why do 'they' suck at naming things? Might as well just call it 'evil.'"





Musings on monster naming conventions will have to wait as some manner of tentacled monstrosity has embedded itself into one of the nearby buildings. Which wouldn't really be too much of an issue...







Except for the fact that said glowing thingie begins shedding its scales all over the highway Auron and Tidus are camping out on. And normally that would only be filed under "gross" and not a danger.







Except the scales molt into ravenous insectoid monsters that have a taste for blitzball player flesh. And that's no good!







Tidus attempts to ward off the creatures by spastically flailing about and slapping the air ineffectually. The monsters are not impressed. Nor is Auron. But that goes without saying.





Tidus' flailing eventually causes him to trip and fall on his ass. Auron, fed up with this incredibly unmanly display, pulls a sword out of his ass and presents it to Tidus.



"My old man?!"
*glares*
“...So that’s a... yes...?”
*glares*
“Since when did he ever use a sword?!”
“I believe that question applies to you as well...”
“Pfft. I‘ll show ya!”





Tidus proceeds to flail around with his new weapon with all the skill and grace of a five year old with a cardboard tube. Complete with tripping over his own two feet during the exercise.



”Yeah! I was just like... trying to make them lower their guard!”
“I see...”
“Hey... Where did you get that? Where are you pulling all of these giant swords from...?!”
“Does it matter?”





In a nifty display of cutting edge circa 2001 technology, we transition straight from the cutscenes to our first battle.



So let’s talk about Final Fantasy X’s battle system... In this game, battle are fou--









Actually... No. Let’s not talk about the battle system since this is basically still a glorified cutscene. Tidus and Auron 1-shot every few of the Sinscale monsters and automatically advance down the path with little room to get a handle on anything beyond mashing X to attack. Maybe next time.



You know, if Tidus were a bit more sharp he might have raised an eyebrow as to why Auron is leading them straight toward the Water Balloon of Doom...






Episode 3 Highlights




Auron Official Illustration - Wears his sunglasses at any hour he goddamn pleases.


Sinscale Concept Art - I really hope that illustration on the right is a Sintail and not a Sinshlong...