Final Fantasy X Part #57 - Episode XLIX: My Modest Proposal

Part 57: Episode XLIX: My Modest Proposal

Welp Guadosalam already has all the inviting décor of one of the Pagan levels from Thief. Seriously, Guado folk… Not even a token “Welcome to Guadosalam. Population: 13 Creepy Half-Tree Dudes”? Frankly I feel town welcome signs could use more self-depreciating humor.

New Music: Guadosalam

Welcome to Guadosalam. It is…pretty much just one huge hollowed out tree with a few rooms carved out of the trunk’s sides for living space. This location has a wee bit of scaling issues compared to the rest of the world. Besaid was supposed to be a Podunk fishing village with the only point of interest being a Yevon Temple and we clearly only visited a very small section of the otherwise expansive Luca. Guadosalam is supposed to be a city housing an entire race of Spira yet it barely looks large enough to fit more than about fifty people without creating a fire hazard.

“This way, my lady. This way."

The Guado doorman attempts the traditional Guado titty groping welcoming on Yuna but is cut short by Wakka. Guado are weird.

“I am in the direct service of our leader, the great Seymour Guado. Lord Seymour has very important business with Lady Yuna."

"Business with me? Whatever could it be, I wonder?"

“Of course, your friends are also welcome."

”The master is waiting.”

Everyone wanders off with Seymour’s creepy butler other than Tidus and Rikku…

”Heck no! Did you SEE that guy’s hands? I don’t want him twisting anything on me!”
“I’m a bit behind and don’t really keep up on Yevon stuff so what’s this Seymour guy like?”
“…You’re best off just waiting to see for yourself.”
“That sounds kinda ominous…”

“Ah, I almost forgot!"

Rikku decides now is a swell time to bring up a new mechanic and tutorial for such. Apparently Rikku is a part-time blacksmith and can now customize our weapons with special augmentations.

Weapon customization basically works in a similar way to the Aeon magic upgrade system. If a weapon has an extra attribute slot (see how the Baroque Sword has Strength +5% and then ________) then it can be fitted with an additional attribute. Extra attributes are added via spending a certain number of items. For instance 4 Bomb Fragments would give this sword a Fire elemental added damage.

There are some nifty abilities later on but eh… I seldom used this mechanic either. While it is more useful to pimp out characters weapons given the prevalence of physical attacks in combat as opposed to the highly situational Aeon stuff, it is hardly necessary to ever bother much during the normal game. Especially when there are end game super weapons for everyone that are clearly way the fuck better than anything we could ever craft.

It also doesn’t help that they stick this tutorial at the start of a 45 minute block of downtime and cutscenes.

Following the tutorial Rikku joins the rest of the party. But Tidus, being the resident delinquent of the group, is free to explore Guadosalam a bit before heading to Seymour’s Wacky Mansion. I mean I am assuming it is wacky. Has there ever been a perfectly normal mansion in a video game? One lacking puzzles, secret passages, hidden rooms, underground laboratories or the like. Seymour’s mansion lacks most of that yet it still has its own wacky shit.

Anyway, right past where we met Tromell is the local travel’s inn. We can get a free room to rest in here or… just use the Save Sphere for exactly the same results. But more importantly a couple of familiar faces have somehow managed to cross the Moonflow and reach Guadosalam before us despite previously being on the other bank of the river when we took the last Shoopuf upstream.

”Alright. I’ll feel slightly less stupid asking about them again later.”

"Ahem! The Farplane's the place where pyreflies born from a sending gather. They appear in the shape of people who've died and gone to the Farplane. Quite the phenomenon; how I wish I understood it more fully! The Al Bhed have a theory, you know. They say the pyreflies are just reacting to the visitors' thoughts and dreams. But only the dead appear on the Farplane. No image of the living has ever been seen. It's a great mystery! But maybe... Maybe the dead leave a bit of themselves in the hearts of the living. And that little bit borrows the pyreflies' power for their paranormal performance! Or maybe not. Who knows?" And that, as they say, is that."

”Yeah maybe I should have heard about the pyreflies first…”

"Ahem! They may be called 'pyreflies,' but they aren't really 'flies,' you see. They're those lights you see whenever a fiend dies. The little fellows are responsible for a few fantastic phenomena. Visions of the past, spheres, fiends -- these are all the pyreflies' doing. In fact...pyreflies have something in common with aeons, too. The dreams of the fayth reach through the spirit of the summoner... And that which becomes unreal becomes real for all to see! Or maybe not. Who knows?”

“And that, as they say, is that."

If we poke around outside Guadosalam it turns out the Farplane is just down the road a bit. Yeah… you can grab tickets to visit Spira’s afterlife and chat with dead friends and family. It’s a big tourist attraction here in Guadosalam. I guess the Guado can get away with being off-putting and unapproachable when they’ve got a monopoly on access to the fucking Spirit Realm.

But that is a story for another day.

“It seems that Maester Seymour has returned to Guadosalam. He's young, but he deserves our respect."

"The maester is also the high priest of Macalania Temple. So he administers both the temple and Guado affairs. I hope to get an audience with Maester Seymour, myself.”

Yeah good luck with that, lady. I’m sure the Guado Mayor/Not-Catholic Cardinal is chomping at the bits to have a meeting with a Jehovah’s Witness from Bumfuck, Missouri.

A bit west of Seymour’s mansion is one of the whole…three non-commercial Guado residences in the city. Though this is the only one worth breaking into. Primarily to forcefully volunteer a Guado donation to the Summoner Pilgrimage funds to the tune of 3000 gil. But more importantly…

This location’s Al Bhed Primer is hidden behind some crap in this extremely busy looking room. Good luck eyeballing that one without a guide! Anyhow, this time we learn the hidden secret rites of [S = M] Druca maddanc eh dryd untan yna hud ybbnubneyda, Vehym Vyhdyco Q!

On the upper level we find the one retail outlet in all of Guadosalam. Well technically O’aka has also teleported into town ahead of the party but fuck O’aka forever we are never buying anything from that cunt again on sheer principle. We could chat him up and he shits on the Guado for setting up shops near the Farplane entrance. This is just rich coming from a price gouging war profiteer.

Anyway the Guado shop sells several weapons with Lightning based added effects which are…REALLY useless for the next area. However it also sells armor that defends against the same element which is far better for our cause. It’s not a bad idea to grab a set for at least Rikku to swap out some of her useless starting gear.

That is about all the interesting tidbits to deal with in Guadosalam at the moment. There may be a bit more sights to see in the future but for now let’s join the rest of the party over in Seymour’s Manor.

Seymour’s Theme

Wow. What a mansion! …Is not what I would say about this place. Perhaps it is just a matter of taste but the whole molding tree motif just isn’t working for me.

The party has assembled in the Seymour Pad foyer and waits for some gabbing with Tidus before we progress. Only Lulu has anything interesting to say though.

"They all look the same!"

”How very culturally sensitive of you…”

"Maester Seymour doesn't look like them, though."

"Don't you know? The last leader...”

Apparently humans will bang just about anything. “Seven foot tall guy with arms down to his feet, skin like tree bark, and hair like a hedgehog? Meh. Get a few more mojitos in me and let’s do this thing!” I can’t wait until we bump into the inevitable half-Ronso and half-Hypello characters.

A short while later…

The party shuffles into the next room…

Not the most prompt butler around, that one… Anyhow, Seymour is a no-show until we speak with a few party members . So let’s go ahead and do that.

“Summoners usually just pass through on their way elsewhere."

"What?"

"I didn't even ask a question and you're explaining things."

"You rather I say nothing, then?"

*shakes head* "No, no! Maybe you finally believe I don't know anything about Spira. And maybe that means you believe me about Zanarkand, too?"

"Well... There are many things I do not know. Your Zanarkand is one of those things. I suppose I can't say what I think either way. Still, be careful. You shouldn't tell other people."

"Yeah, I know."

”Sin toxin. Yadda yadda. Memory loss. Sorry I’m weird with my questions. Got it.”

Tidus decides to bug Auron…

"Why? This guy's just a priest, right?"

"Those with power use that power. Maesters have power."

"Wait... You sure you don't have something against Yevon?"

"I lived a long time in Zanarkand."

”Hey how come nobody gives you grief about being from Zanarkand?”
“I do not go running around claiming to be the star for a millennium dead sports team.”
*nervous chuckle* “I’ll do that less in the future.”

Some time later…

Seymour is apparently a terrible host and makes everyone wait to the point Tidus finds himself staring at bright lights just to pass the time. Our hero folks.

Tromell staggers back into the room…

“Since Lord Jyscal passed away, these halls have been too quiet."

"The death of Lord Jyscal was a great loss for all of Spira."

"He brought the teachings of Yevon to the Guado. He was truly a great man."

”Oh… How long has Yevon been around and how long did this guy do that…?”
“Uhh… umm… You should probably ask that Maechen guy…”

"Truly, a loss for us all. But now a new leader, Lord Seymour, has come before us. Lord Seymour is the child of a Guado and a human. He will be the tie that binds our two races together. But that is not all, I think. Lord Seymour...”

<Oh my god… That guy could like hug you, hug himself, and then hug you AGAIN with those arms… Brr.>

"Must I always endure such praise?”

”I know that I, Seymour Guado, Maester of Yevon and leader of the Guado at such a young age is quite the accomplishment worthy of such praise but please…”

*blitzball prayer* “Welcome!”

"Please, make yourselves at home. There's no rush."

”There is no Excalibur II beckoning in Spira.”

"Please, keep this short. Yuna must rush."

"Pardon me. It has been a long time since I had guests. Lady Yuna, this way."

Hymn of the Fayth

So Seymour’s dining room doubles as a holodeck. Just throwing that out there. Why? How? What?! Hell if I know… Just roll with it. Wacky mansions and all that.

That is about as much explanation as we are going to get as to what the hell this whole sequence is about.

“A sphere did it.”

Spheres are like wizards and nanomachines rolled into one as far as Spira technology and magic is concerned. They can do pretty much whatever the hell the plot necessitates. Crystals are so passé.

"Correct. Zanarkand as it looked one thousand years ago.”

”I shall refrain from asking how you readily identified it on sight…”
*rubs neck* “Umm… Sin’s toxins. They messed with my head and… yeah…”
“I see.”

Oh snap! It’s a FMV Land shot of Lulu from the waist down. I think the next time we see that may very well be the ending.

Meanwhile, Auron isn’t the slightest bit impressed by Seymour’s holodeck Zanarkand flyover. Whatever the fuck, dude. Auron could have mailed you a postcard from the past Zanarkand OR the present day ruins.

"She, who?"

FMV Land abruptly ends as we are thrust into a random in-game room for some more exposition by our host.

"She was the first person to defeat Sin and save the world from its ravages. And you have inherited her name."

"It was my father who named me."

"Lord Braska was entrusting you with a great task. He wanted you to face Sin, as Lady Yunalesca did. However, Lady Yunalesca did not save the world alone.”

*blitzball prayer* “To defeat the undefeatable Sin...it took an unbreakable bond of love -- of the kind that binds two hearts for eternity.”

A ridiculously armored fellow that could have walked straight off the set of one of the earlier Final Fantasy titles trots into the room and gets his mack on with Lady Yunalesca – who I am just now noticing has the Spartan clothing style to make even Dona look like a prude in comparison.

Seeing this display of affection between the two long dead holograms, Seymour sees it an appropriate time to leer at his decade junior summoner peer.

At least, that is why Low Resolution Seymour does to Low Resolution Yuna…

Their high resolution counterparts have an unheard dirty whispering session and possibly some hair sniffing since you cannot tell me Seymour is not the type of guy that would sniff the hair of a chick he barely knows.

Yuna is simply aghast at this exchange while Seymour resumes his default leering at attention pose. Hey… who left the Flashback Filter™ running in post-production? You’re screwing up the scene!

Seymour’s Theme

Welp that is enough of the holodeck. Let us never speak of it again just as the game will never acknowledge Seymour’s private digital simulation of a Yevon saint’s bedroom dealings.

Following that whole bit Yuna paces around the room nervously before grabbing a glass of hard liquor from the concessions spread and chugging it like a trooper.

"You okay?"

“Uhh… ooh… umm… umm… oh… ahh…”

"You serious? Uhh… hey!”

”…I mean seriously…”

”…Him?”

"Of course. Lady Yuna -- no, all summoners -- are charged with bringing peace to Spira. But this means more than just defeating Sin. She must ease the suffering of all Spira. She must be a leader for the people. I proposed to Lady Yuna as a maester of Yevon."

"Spira is no playhouse. A moment's diversion may amuse an audience, but it changes nothing."

"Even so, the actors must play their parts.”

*glare* ”That was not an invitation for a tired theater metaphor.”

“There's no need to answer right away. Please, think it over."

“Ahh… uhh…”

"We will do so, then. We leave."

"Lady Yuna, I await your favorable reply."

The party begins to depart…