Part 88: Episode LXXIX: Via My Dead Body

“You're all right? We were so worried! It's good to have you back!”
“Thank you.”

I didn't skip past any scenes here. Following both halves of the Via Purifico the party immediately rejoins one another in a completely different location. No exits from the previous dungeon or indication how the heck they got there. If Lulu or Kimahri were left behind they too just appear for the reunion out of nowhere.



”I umm... Yeah so... Uhh...”
“...”
(This is awkward... What should I saaaaaay... Wait, no! Don't stare at Rikku's butt! What's wrong with you?! Ugh... Wait... What's with the evil mus—ah crap...)




Music: Seymour's Theme



I like that Seymour and his entourage set up a fog machine for their strut down the runway villainy entrance. I like to image Seymour's theme is pumping out of the Bevelle's (Completely Yevon Sanctioned) PA system.





Man, Kinoc is really not feeling this whole smiting the heretics. Why did he even bother to join Seymour if he was just going to nod off before ev—





Oh... He's dead. RIP Cardinal Babyface. The question now is where did Seymour find that swole stormtropper that was willing and able to Weekend at Bernie's Kinoc's corpse down the highroad just for dramatic effect?





Auron being a bit pissed is understandable but Tidus... That guy had a rifle in your face and was really just itching to put a bullet in your skull yesterday. Don't pretend you're upset about Cardinal Babyface getting iced.



“Hehehe.”



“He was a man who craved power. And great power he had, but he feared losing it. Trembling at unseen enemies, he spent his days scheming petty schemes.”
”Always with a plan or a plot to make it to the top. But he was always kind of in the middle as he was always getting caught. It was never a mystery. It was merely Kinoc in your vicinity.”
“Chased by his fears, never knowing rest. You see... Now, he has no worries. He has been granted sleep eternal.”



“Death is a sweet slumber. All the pain of life is gently swept away... Ah, yes... So you see... if all life were to end on Spira, all suffering would end. Don't you see?”



“That, Yuna, is why I need you.”



“Come with me to Zanarkand, the lost city of the dead. With death on our side, we will save Spira, and for this...”





Bare with me for a moment here, folks. But I've got this crazy notion that Seymour Guado might be evil. I'm not sure what it is... Just this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach...



”Like holy SHIT, dude. I kept quiet just to hear how insane your monologue got and it like blew past all expectations. Am I right here?”
“Yeah... That was like absurd.”
“...”
“Good grief.”
“I don't know what even to say...”
“Bugfuck crazy.”
“Exactly! This guy gets it!”
“Hmph. As I said, Spira doesn't do subtle.”
“Hey! Seymour henchmen guys! Your boss just says he wants to turn into Sin and kill everyone in Spira. Like... I know Yevon is a big deal but this guy MIGHT not be on the level...”
“...”
“Nothing? Really...? Tch. Whatever. Say, Yuna. What do we gotta do here? Do we have to like double-kill Seymour for you to send him or...? How does this thing work?”





Damn. Kimahri with the initiative. If only he'd just busted in mid-monologue and jammed a spear in Seymour's chest.



Seymour with the no-sell. Nice try, Kimahri. Why can't the cutscene version of you match up with the gameplay one?



“Very well.”



”I suppose I should start making good on my revised foreign affairs policy. Do not worry, the Ronso still have a place in oblivion.”









Seymour raises his summoner's staff and draws himself, the Yevon entourage, Kimahri, and Kinoc's corpse into the Fiddy Zone. What? Why? How? Huh? Look, just get ready for Seymour to start pulling undead boss powers out of his ass from here on out.





For instance, he can evaporate his entourage at will. I don't think Seymour has mind control powers. These Yevon mooks were just that loyal to Yevon to hang out glass eyed and slack-jawed as their undead maester ranted about murdering everyone on the planet and drew them into another dimension.





Kinoc also gets evaporated into pyreflies. Final Fantasy X is not particularly consistent as to whether all corpses in Spira break down into pyreflies eventually on death. Or if the corpse just farts them out after a while and the unsent pyreflies become a fiend. Of course there's also the case where the corpse just goes “nah I'm good” to death and gets back up as an unsent. If it's the pyrefly disintegration, summoners could get away with murder kind of easily if you think about it...



I wonder if there is an alternate timeline where the party offed Seymour and his bodyguards, sent all their bodies without Tromell and Guado friends storming in, and... just kind of had to pretend they didn't know anything about the whereabouts of the Guado Maester.





Concealing murder by manipulating fantasy world conventions aside, apparently the unsent can absorb pyreflies to just blast through levels on their Sphere Grid all at once. Where did Seymour learn such a ghastly technique of harvesting other souls to gain power? Just innate villainy tactics. The guy is a natural. If you're expecting more of an explanation, you're going to be sadly mistaken.







So... this is happening now. Seymour has hoovered up his dead comrades' souls to utilize as obscenely powerful hair product in order to fashion his ridiculous mane into some stone monumental to all sins against hairstyling. Also a fabulous new purple armor ensemble complete with glowing nipple highlights.


Music: Hurry!!



Kimahri, I admire your spirit. But I think you might be a touch out of your league here.



*draws sword* “Go!”



"I said go!"







Welp... No arguing that one. Good luck with that one, Kimahri! We've got total faith you can handle the System-Id powered up Seymour.



Uhh... Sorry to break it to you Yuna, but we already left him behind. We've ran like two football field lengths away from him already. The big blue cat guy was alright _{strictly in cutscenes} but let's be real here. He is super fucking dead. Like Seymour has probably already skinned him and is wearing his pelt as a gaudy sash right now. It's a bit late to have a change of heart.



“Auron!”



“Yeah, and you know what that means? Yuna... Anywhere you go, I'll follow!"



*fist pump* “Yeah, anywhere!”
”I'm not going to force you into anything here but... I'm just saying we should *probably* kill that guy.”
“...”
“...Again.”
*smile* “Well, then!”





”...Or hang in there depending on how the fight is going...”



*runs off*
*waves* “Me, too!”
*runs off*



”Hmph...”
“Well... I guess this is happening now...”
“Yes... It is...”
*sigh*





And off goes Lulu too on her writhing whirlwind of belts.



“Heh.”



Welp. If Final Fantasy X were divided into disc breaks like an old PS1 game then what would certainly be the Disc 2 End Boss awaits ahead. Stay tuned for the Murder of Seymour Guado: Redux!






Video: Episode 79 Highlight Reel (Recommended Viewing!)





Bevelle Highroad Concept Art