Part 157: Chapter the Seventh: The megabastard cometh.

Chapter the Seventh: The megabastard cometh.
January 1, 2024-February 1, 2024

I've sat on my gigantic war chest long enough. It's time to establish ourselves as the biggest team in the world, and there's no better way to do that than a massive vanity purchase that blows records out of the water.



Oh sure, let him leave. That would be the best thing ever. I'm sure United can find a better manager, no doubt!




They're each available for about £100m. But they're the two best central midfielders in the world, and both are under 26. I'd have to sell one of our current midfielders to get them, and Morvan would bring the best return. Jimenez plays for Bayern, who are interested in Morvan. I might be able to do a player exchange with them to reduce the expense.



Yes. Wrexham is totally a hipper place to live than Monaco! Just hold onto that thought, though, because you're my second choice.



This would redefine the term “blockbuster deal” if they accept it, they'd be getting Morvan and Argenti on top of £40m now and another £26m in future considerations. It's not structured as a player exchange, they're willing to offer more for our guys when the transfers are individually constructed.




A £140m transfer fee is insane by any standard, but Jimenez is truly great, while Morvan is merely very good. Argenti would also be a significant loss, but he's having trouble finding playing time with Parr and Collett on the squad and his sale would help offset Jimenez's price.



Who's going to win? I'm on tenterhooks. (Dreamsicle is definitely going to win)

At Crewe Alexandra, January , 2024
FA Cup, Third Round


We have two matches in a row against Championship opponents, in this and in the League Cup semi. With an easy match upcoming I can play most of the first team and have them rested and ready for the Premier League fixtures the following week.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, O'Hanlon, Hammatt, Loseille, Morvan, Petts, Parr, Shirra, Mujkic (c), Thiago.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Taffarel, Quiboulaz, Mair, Allan, Collett, Aarts.

I'm not a happy camper when Shahed Parr is sent off in the 8th minute. It didn't look awful, but it was definitely a foul and the card was given. Luckily, we're amazing when playing 10 v 11. Hammerin' Ed Hammatt gives us the lead from a set piece, and not long after we get more than a little lucky when the flag stays down despite Loseille being a good two yards offside. Crewe complains bitterly but there's nothing to be done. Down a man I'm using Mujkic as a box to box midfielder, and he's been awesome:



Kovacevic makes a sprawling save to spare our back line some blushes in the 70th minute, and we take a three-nil lead short minutes later as Taffarel (who subbed on for Loseille) scores. The victory runs our record when down a man out to an ever more ridiculous 14 wins, 4 draws, and 3 losses.

Man of the Match: Meteor Mujkic




Crewe 0-3 Wrexham




Thank goodness for a high professionalism attribute.



Something Argenti could use. He's scored 2 goals in 18 appearances and hasn't been great since his first two months when filling in while Parr and Collett were both hurt. If he can help us land Jimenez he's off to Germany.



Insert platitudes here.

(Wait, did I forget to edit that out?)

Err, and now we go live to Dreamsicle's first press conference:




The other contenders were given spots on the board, with runner up Ghostwoods getting a managing director sinecure.



Hey! You should consult me before doing this! It's not like we've ever used them, but still!



More draws like this and we won't face a real challenge in the FA Cup until the final.



With another £43m coming in for Morvan we should be able to get Jimenez for the net price of £60m.



When you have a player being offered less cash at a new club they may demand that you make up the difference. The total over four years comes to about £2m. I'm willing to do it to make the Jimenez transfer work, but I shouldn't have let the Christmas Spirit touch me and given Argenti that new contract he wanted.

At Southampton, January 10, 2024
Capital One Cup, Semifinal Away Leg


The League Cup has an irritating home-away semifinal system, forcing us to play two matches. The good news is that we could crap the bed here and still advance to the final by winning at home in two weeks. We probably won't, though.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Fitzgerald, Cirjak, Laux, Quiboulaz, Taffarel, Morvan, Bailey (c), Collett, Rouissi, Taborda, Ikeda.
Subs: Kovacevic, Reed, Hammatt, Morvan, Allan, Gabbianelli, Stringel.

It's scoreless through the first half, after we look good to start and then they perform well towards the close. The Saints never get going in the second half, though, and we spend the final forty-five minutes breaking down their defense. Cristian Taffarel finally gives us the lead in the 76th minute after I sub off a tired Taborda and a nervous Ikeda. Laux follows up and ruins any hopes Southampton had of a comeback with a goal two minutes from the death. We did exactly what we needed to do, and did so while playing several reserves.

Man of the Match: Cristian Taffarel




Southampton 0-2 Wrexham



Once the Morvan deal goes through we'll have enough to pay for Jimenez's contract demands. He's going to be our highest paid player... by a lot.



Now to hope there's no last minute snafus with the other transfer...



Good. We should have this tied up with a bow within the next few days.



Well, we're going to blow this out of the water.



The additional suspension is unsurprising. A straight red will usually get you another couple games tacked on.

vs Watford, January 13, 2024
Premier League


Watford would be relegated if the season ended today. They've been the victims of bad luck, their -3 goal differential should put them around the midtable. Hopefully we can make it more suitable to their position on the table.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, O'Hanlon, Hammatt, Taffarel, Mair, Bailey (c), Collett, Allan, Gabbianelli, Aarts.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Loseille, Laux, Petts, Shirra, Taborda, Stringel.

The Hornets scare us in first 10 minutes, but we recover without conceding. Collett picks up a ding early on, that could be trouble if he can't play as Parr is still suspended as Argenti left just days ago for Bavaria. Watford lose any hope of a result when one of their players earns a red card before the first half hour is up. Collett scores not long after, and Aarts adds a second in first half stoppage time. We don't pile on after the break, but it's still a comfortable win.

Man of the Match: Steve Reed




Wrexham 2-0 Watford



YOU CHUPACABRA HUMPER! His new Bayern contract doesn't even give him the 25% raise we were offering, it just extends him two years. Now we've sold Bayern two excellent players and have nothing to show for it.



Well, that's why you always have a backup plan.



Ünsal is on the right, Jimenez on the left. Jimenez is definitely the better of the two for the roles I'm filling (box to box midfielder and deep lying playmaker) but they're both absolute monsters on the pitch and the Turk is perhaps the most creative player in the entire game.

vs Portsmouth, January 16, 2024
Premier League


This match brings the worst team in the league into our house. It's going to be a slaughter.

Starting Formation: 3-4-3 Attack
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Laux, Quiboulaz, Hammatt, Cirjak, Loseille, Shirra, Bailey (c), Stringel, Aarts, Thiago.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Reed, Mair, Petts, Mujkic, Taborda, Rouissi.

Thiago gets off to a flying start by burying a rebound that Shirra donked off the crossbar. Stringel makes it 2-0 ten minutes later and it's been two shots, two kills. Isaac makes it a brace in the 36th minute after Aarts misses his first chance to complete the forward trifecta. It's always coming, though, and when play resumes Aarts makes 4-0 in the 47th minute. The final goal comes when Aarts puts it in the back of the net a second time, except this time it's our net. Argh. We conceded in a match where the other side didn't have a single shot.

Man of the Match: Tonci Cirjak




Wrexham 4-1 Portsmouth




Boom. That's the biggest transfer in club history right here. Also the biggest transfer in all of football history. Thanks to the sales of Morvan and Argenti we've still got £27m in the bank, so there's no concern about our financial state.



I'm not kidding. This is a list of the largest transfers since the game began. In real life the largest fee ever paid (officially, and according to wiki) was £85.3m by Real Madrid for Gareth Bale in 2013. We just blew all past transfers out of the water.

Which is nice, considering that we've been on the selling side in five of the next eleven largest transfers since 2014.

Sinan Ünsal
Midfielder


Oh gosh, just look at those stats. I wanted Jimenez a little bit more because he was a better defender and thus a better fit for playing a box to box role, but Ünsal's attributes are bonkers. Compare with Scott Shirra, who's on the left:



Phwoar.



Mateo, get him squared away. I'll be in my bunk.

At Chelsea, January 20, 2024
Premier League


Chelsea are having a mediocre season, and are currently in 7th place, stuck fighting with Sheffield United and Tottenham for just a Europa League spot. They're closer to relegation (12 points) than fourth (15 points). That doesn't mean that they're not a good team, it just means that there's a new big four in the Premier League, and Chelsea isn't a part of it.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Counter
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Reed, Laux, Hammatt, Taffarel, Ünsal, Bailey (c), Parr, Stringel, Taborda, Thiago.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Cirjak, Quiboulaz, Mair, Petts, Collett, Aarts.

Thiago puts it past the keeper early, but the flag is up as he's a step offside. That means Chelsea are up after being gifted a penalty in the 21st minute. I can't complain too much given how often those calls have gone our way recently, though I'll certainly mention it in the postgame. Thiago equalizes ten minutes later, and from there it's frustration for the Wrexham faithful as Parr can't get anything on net, and I have to bring in Collett after Parr spends an hour sending four shots off target. We end up with a 1-1 draw, hardly the worst result and thanks to a United loss against Arsenal midweek we're five points back with two games in hand.

Man of the Match: Thiago




Chelsea 1-1 Wrexham



We're very lucky this happened to a piece of flotsam in our youth squad and not someone good- this is a death sentence most of the time. His determination dropped from 15 to 5, and it will never recover. Poor kid, I wonder what happened to him. Maybe he realized he'd never be any good.



I already got rid of players like you asked! We've only got four centerbacks on the first team, and you've played in 17 matches this season. You're going to ask for a transfer at the end of the window, aren't you?

vs Southampton, January 23, 2024
Capital One Cup, Semifinal Home Leg


We're already up two goals going into the home leg. The real drama will be whether Chelsea can beat United in Manchester to make the finals, or if it's going to be another Manchester/Wrexham tilt at Wembley.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Fitzgerald, Cirjak (c), O'Hanlon, Quiboulaz, Loseille, Mair, Petts, Parr, Rouissi, Taborda, Aarts.
Subs: Kovacevic, Reed, Hammatt, Bailey, Allan, Gabbianelli, Ikeda.

We didn't take long to assert ourselves. Taborda sends a free kick into the box that Mair gets on the end of in the first 20 minutes, and then Parr settles it in the second half. It's a confident performance from our second team, and we've made the League Cup final for the first time ever. We'll have a shot at our fourth trophy of the year come March.

Man of the Match: Stuart Mair




Wrexham (4) 2-0 (0) Southampton



United stomped Chelsea 4-0 in their semifinal. They're a tougher ask, but no worries. We can beat them too.

vs. Leeds United, January 27, 2024
FA Cup, Fourth Round


This should be a humdrum fourth round match.

Starting Formation: 4-2-3-1 Control
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Cirjak, Laux, Quiboulaz, Taffarel, Bailey, Shirra, Parr, Allan, Mujkic (c), Stringel.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Reed, O'Hanlon, Ünsal, Petts, Collett, Gabbianelli.

We're desultory and disappointing in the first half, having a kickabout that gives us a huge amount of possession but no goals. Quiboulaz makes a mistake that allows Leeds to sting us on the counter in the 60th minute and the entire team responds by going from desultory to dormant for the final half hour. It's a match where we enjoyed plenty of possession and showed zero passion. We're out of our first competition of the year thanks to a fourth round home loss against a club that should never, ever win a match against us. What a pathetic display.




Wrexham 0-1 Leeds



The tutelage didn't change his “unambitious” personality, which is concerning.

At West Bromwich Albion, January 30, 2024
Premier League


I'm still pissed off about the FA Cup loss. It's time to take that out on the Baggies.

Starting Formation: 3-4-3 Attack
Starting 11: Kovacevic, Laux, Quiboulaz, Hammatt, Reed, Loseille, Ünsal, Bailey (c), Stringel, Aarts, Thiago.
Subs: Fitzgerald, Cirjak, Mair, Petts, Shirra, Mujkic, Collett.

Aarts puts his first chance away, at least we won't be shut out like the last match. Our slack play continues, Aarts is the only Dragon capable of getting the ball on the target after that first goal, and West Brom are feisty enough to make us work on defense. Things perk up before the end of the half, with another from Aarts and Sinan Ünsal scoring his first for the club when we overwhelm the West Brom defense once again. Our sloppy play returns in the second half, and we can't even keep a clean sheet, getting lazy at the end and allowing a stoppage time goal. Meanwhile United draws with Everton, leaving us six points back of them with three games in hand.

Man of the Match: Bram Aarts




West Brom 1-3 Wrexham



I knew this would happen. Shut up and get back to work.




Dortmund and United have each made half a dozen bids, all at the same price, for Aarts and Loseille over the last 48 hours as we approach the end of the transfer window. I triple checked to make sure I didn't have my asking prices screwed up, but they're each sporting a £50m price tag. Those two clubs can take a long walk off a short pier.



It is unacceptable to be out of the FA Cup this early. It is completely unacceptable to be out after playing a home match against Leeds goddamned United. There will be no treble for us, and it makes for an unsatisfying conclusion to a month where we played well and pulled off the biggest transfer in the history of the game. Especially concerning is that we've been playing sloppily, we can get away with that against the likes of West Bromwich, but February brings trips to Arsenal, Manchester City, and Napoli. They will punish us for our presumption if given the chance.