The Let's Play Archive

God of War

by kalonZombie

Part 1: Skippy Granola explains Orpheus' quest to save his wife's soul.

The dumb combo titles always get me. An 8 hit combo? That's inhuman! No man could hit a thing 8 times in succession!

I gotta say this game aged pretty well in terms of gameplay but I think that's more a function of a lack of innovation rather than God of War being super advanced.

Anyway y'all probably figured this out after the video but it was Lot's Wife in the bible who got turned into salt when she looked back at God (ironically) buttfucking Sodom and Gomorrah.

Orpheus made a deal with Hades to get back his girlfriend Eurydice from hell. Stories diverge a bunch, but the usual tale goes Orpheus was such a skilled musician that he could charm the birds from the sky etc etc. He ended up getting a hand from Aphrodite who, charmed by his talents, agreed to help him regain his lost love. Orpheus made the usual journey, through Tartarus, across the river Styx on Charon's raft, up to the throne of death itself.

"Gimme my girlfriend back," Orpheus demanded.

"Get fucked," Hades sneered.

"Oh yeah?" Orpheus said, and then he began to play.

Hades was so moved that he agreed to release Eurydice, but, being the god of death, he was loath to just give up a soul. "Okay, Orpheus, you can have yr lady back, but she's gonna stay a ghost until you get above ground. If you can make it all the way to the surface without looking back at her, she'll come back to life and you can go be fruity and multiply or whatever."

"No prob," Orpheus replied, and booked it for the surface.

Before too long he heard footsteps behind him. Though our hero ached to look into the face of his beloved, he remained resolute. On and on they climbed and, as daylight brightened the gloomy cavern far above them, he heard Eurydice trip and fall behind him.

"Oh no m'lady!" Orpheus cried, turning around to catch her. "Aw buttons," he said when he realized his mistake.

The last thing he saw was Eurydice, pulled backwards with incredible speed into the inky depths of the underworld.

And again the story diverges. He was either left to grow old alone and despondent, or got turned into a bird, or got sucked into hell with her, depending on the relative depression level of the person telling the story.