Part 14: Act XIII: And There Were None

Act XIII: And There Were None
With Dave_O, Krakhan, Diabetus and Slowbeef!


The Story Thus Far:

Hitler's behind all this, Golgo got laid a few times, and we're about to see the greatest last boss in the history of video games.

Wait, there was a story?

The LP So Far:

Oh, let's just get this show on the road. This was over 30 minutes of commentary orginally because I just kept dying and getting sent back. I'll include choicer bits as MP3s later (namely, one part where I freak out and say "Fuck you" to Scarboy for no reason at all and another where Diabetus reads a GameFAQs review of the game.)


Slowbeef: This it. Ladies and gentlemen, the end.
Krakhan: Hooray!
Diabetus: This game ends?
Dave_O: Act 13. How aptly named. I know that's supposed to be Jesus with a crown of thorns, but it looks kinda like Jimmy Hendrix.


Diabetus: Whoa, he's like a chameleon.


Dave_O: Proton Jon? Oh. Proto-Command Module.



Diabetus: Are those birds chasing you there?
Slowbeef: Missiles. Duh.
Dave_O: I often confuse missiles with birds, myself. I'm like, "Oh, I'm gonna feed this-BLOOOOOSH."
Diabetus: One time I thought I was at a petting zoo, but it was really a silo.
Dave_O: I did that one time myself.
Diabetus: It was really awkward.

[At this point I die and...]


Diabetus: Is this a bonus level?
Slowbeef: This is Act 12.
Dave_O: He's swimming in a sea of horseshit.
Slowbeef: I wanna die.
Dave_O: I hate this game.
Krakhan: This is like putting your balls in a clamp and tightening it.
Slowbeef: That seems more pleasant.



Dave_O: Mother Brain! It's Super Metroid.
Slowbeef: Someone explain this.
Diabetus: Are those the Deal or No Deal girls in the capsules?


Diabetus: What font is that?



Slowbeef: "Thanks to it, I, Hitler, continue to live."


Slowbeef: "Here my.... M7 clones are lining up and my font is weird."



Slowbeef: "As long as I live here, Nazis will thrive."


Slowbeef: "I'll give you the vaccine-" Why?! -"but beyond this...."


Diabetus: He'll crush you with his trivia knowledge.





Slowbeef: "A nucle-" Why is there a nuclear missile switch going on?! When did that happen?!
Diabetus: That's good home security there. Maybe it's a really big nuclear missile switch that requires a lot of strength and takes three minutes to pull.



Slowbeef: What?! He didn't even finish speaking!

And now... ladies, gentlemen, and goons of all ages, I present to you one of the greatest showdowns in video game history.

Are you ready for this?

....

Are you sure?

....

It's:

....

....

....

GOLGO 13 VERSUS ONE-THOUSAND HITLERS



Your object is to destroy the red lights above the Hitler cloning cylinders. Two are lit up at the beginning. When you destroy them and the clones they've spawned, two more light up, followed by three more. You have 2:47 to do it. For one final "Fuck you", if the timer reaches 0:13 you lose. You don't even get the full three minutes.

There's no great strategy for this. The clones take a lot of damage off you and don't give a great deal back. And the cylinder lights take 8-20 hits, meaning you have to juggle shooting the clones and the lights.





To kill a Hitler, shoot him and he'll teleport somewhere nearby. Do it again, and he'll reveal a weak spot. "Slowbeef," you say. "That doesn't look like Hitler. Those could be soldiers."

Oh yeah?



Krakhan: What do you do? Do you shoot the brain?
Slowbeef: Uh, you shoot these guys in the hip.

That red glowing gem lookin' thing is their next weak spot, shoot that and they explode....





Diabetus: What the?
Slowbeef: It's Hitler! His head! It's attacking me!

And a Mecha-Hitler head comes out and rams you. This hurts a lot.


Slowbeef: Head explosion, yay!
Dave_O: Headsplosion. You're set.
Diabetus: Good. It's a slowbeef thread.



Diabetus: Did they just Dragon Ball Z attack you?


Dave_O: What is this? What is happening?

Diabetus: Did you GameFAQs this?
Slowbeef: No, I watched a video. I'm not even fucking with you.
Diabetus: You watched- there's a video of this? Like a speedrun?
Slowbeef: It's NESTips or something. Somebody PMed me with it.



These are the final three cylinders to destory.

And then...


These three moving lights shoot Hitler Dragon Ball Z attacks at you. I have 100 Life left.


1 down. I have 70 life left. I get them all....


With 10 life left.


Survive that and a little red sphere appears under Hitler. Shoot it and....





Hitler's brain starts floating away. You might think you need to shoot it, but....





We're at our final sniping sequence. Golgo is finally going to use the M16.



There's no aiming involved. Press A to win the game.







Once again, everyone, I now turn your attention to....

The End.

....

....

....



....

....

....

THAT'S IT. THOSE THREE LINES OF TEXT. THAT'S THE ENDING. Really.



And now the cast.



The translators - and I know they did a great job and all - don't really know what the word "as" means. They must've confused it with "is".



Cherry Grace. Hey, what the fuck happened to her? Didn't the midget kidnap here before?




"Killed Spy." Condor deserved better billing than that. He was up for days in that subway station. Look at those eyes!



This guy is a "cast member"? I don't even remember who the hell he is!


Poor Eve Christy. She had the same face as the other two females in the cast, but I'll never forget that brief break in the part of her red, Maria Lovelette-like hair.




And Spartacus, with his stereotypically large lower pink lip.



One of the rare women Golgo didn't get to screw (in this game). Tiffany, we hardly knew ye. Really.



When I saw this, I thought "B-Weapon? Is that a plot point they forgot to mention?" Then I thought, "Oh, it's probably an abbreviation for 'Biological' Weapon." Then I realized, "No, it was probably a plot point they forgot to mention."



FAKE ENORMOUS! C'mon, that's just a great name.



Jeff Brown, our jungle friend, is not in the Cast, but the hotel manager is? AND THEY GAVE HIM A NAME! I hope Red River Jr. gets a spin-off.



Like I need to say anything.



And now, the people at Vic Tokai responsible for bringing you this!



Takawo Saito. I hate you forever.



Wait, do I hate this guy more? Or the producer?



Yeah, great game design asshole. Maybe I hate you the most? It's a tough call between the three....




I HATE YOU MOST OF ALL. I'LL KILL YOU, TOMOHIKO KAWAMURA!!!! Really, if you got bumped from being a game designer to a maze master, you must've pissed off somebody really bad.



This is the guy responsible for the Pan N Zoom modes. And he's beautiful!



Mechanical?! Did the game actually come with an M16 in Japan or something?



Every character looks the same and it's this guy's fault. But even worse.... remember all those repetitive-ass backgrounds?



THEY HAD FOUR PEOPLE TO DO THOSE!!!!




And my favorite part.... The first NES game with sex, smoking, etc....



is dedicated to all of the children. And Lost Generation. I can imagine some junkie somewhere thinking his life is worthless, then somehow completing Golgo 13 and turning everything around.

Thank God for Vic Tokai.



Angela? What? I hope it's Angela from Who's The Boss.



And that was Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to lapse into a Golgo induced coma.