Part 2: Act II: The Moving Target

The plot so far:

A CIA Helicopter was shot down and its cargo - a biological weapon called Cassandra G was stolen. Since it was shot down with an M16, everyone assumes that legendary sniper Duke Togo, a.k.a. Golgo 13 did it. Since, like, no one else in the world uses M16s.

A group called Fixer figured out Golgo was framed. One of their agents, Condor, has a file on the Cassandra G vaccine and where it is. Whether you're after the weapon itself (the virus) or a vaccine for it is unclear so far. Unfortunately, someone is going to snipe Condor, so Golgo has to get to the sniper first, via helicopter.

Oh, and the KGB is after Golgo for some reason. I guess because he stole the CIA's virus and they're working together? I don't know.

Act II: The Moving Target
With slowbeef and Dave_O!


Dave_O: Did you know all these act titles are movie titles?
Slowbeef: I didn't.
Dave_O: Some of 'em are more recognizable, but... yeah. The more recognizable ones are later, so be really good at this game. Like, don't die.


If I had to classify Golgo 13: TSE as anything, it'd be an action game. But it really, it's a collection of mini-games, all crappy. This is a side scrolling helicopter level. One of more than necessary in this game.

Slowbeef: I like how I move faster to the left, but not right and faster down, but not up.
Dave_O: I like how Duke Togo is piloting this helicopter with no canopy. It's just him. I think he's wearing a helmet, maybe?
Slowbeef: Probably not. Duke Togo has no need.


Dave_O: The design department was like, "What's a helicopter?" "Well, it looks kinda like a motorcycle." ".... Alright!"
Slowbeef: There was a design department? Oh, you mean "Chuck."
Dave_O: Yeah, it was all the Abes from the other games.


Nice flicker in this game, huh?

Slowbeef: Die, stealth bomber!
Dave_O: The pilots of this are really stupid. You know, it's like "There's some dude flying behind us, shooting the hell out of the plane." "Just keep flying straight, he'll go away."
Slowbeef: "Haha. Fuck him!"
Dave_O: "Forget about 'im. Look, he's wearing a motorcycle helmet. What could he do?"


I got hit, though.

Slowbeef: Oh shit.
Dave_O: Quit proving my point!




Slowbeef: Oh no, first person.
Dave_O: Jets and shit? I don't know what's really happening, but I like to think Duke Togo is just keeping the helicopter at "hover" and is just shooting at them with his pistol.
Slowbeef: I think that's just what's happening.


And now we're back to side-scrolling.

Slowbeef: What was even the point of that?


Slowbeef: And what the hell is this thing?
Dave_O: What is that?
Slowbeef: "We need a big twirling sattelite. Quick, whip something together."
Dave_O: "Just take one of the bomb textures and just like.... ....I don't know!"



Slowbeef: There's two of 'em. The gameplay challenge never ends with Golgo 13!


Dave_O: I'm sad to say I'm really horrible at this game. This is about as far as I get.


Slowbeef: Now this is the really tough part.
Dave_O: Alright, now we're about to play Counter Strike.


Dave_O: Oh shit.
Slowbeef: Whoa.
Dave_O: He's gonna flip his eye around so he can aim better.




Slowbeef: I like this. That's good resolution on the edges there.
Dave_O: I know.
Slowbeef: It's like fucking Atari. Now, for some reason, to zoom in you just head to the right there.


Slowbeef: Just hold down right and - oh, what do you know?
Dave_O: It's actually a different tower.

Press B when you get a fix on him and...


Slowbeef: Should I shoot him?
Dave_O: Uh.... .... ....I guess.


Dave_O: Blood in an NES game? Holy shit.
Slowbeef: Wow.
Dave_O: I'm honestly perplexed like how this got past Nintendo.
Slowbeef: It probably didn't.
Dave_O: It says "Licensed by Nintendo." Maybe they just stuck it on there.
Slowbeef: Nintendo didn't even bother reviewing this one.


No one explains why Golgo goes there, since it has nothing to do with where he needs to go and it's pretty far away from all relevant points in the Berlin stages.


Here's the "Tour Guide" part. Golgo 13 tells you what all these poorly rendered 8-bit monuments are supposed to be.


Crotch-kicks are an alternative form of 'hello' in Germany.

Slowbeef: Go to the Green Mansion?
Dave_O: Who are these people?
Slowbeef: And why are they all green?
Dave_O: It's actually the same guy. He just follows you around.
Slowbeef: He was just running after the helicopter.


Dave_O: These guys are rude motorists.
Slowbeef: Tell me about it.
Dave_O: Oh, that's a bad guy. Look at his mask!


Slowbeef: "Spree River?"
Dave_O: Thanks for lettin' me know.


Slowbeef: You know what we're gonna have to show the people at home after this, right?
Dave_O: Should we pull it out?


Slowbeef: You know what? We just killed a couple helicopters


Dave_O: YES!
Slowbeef: Greatest pause screen ever.
Dave_O: It's the only reason to play this game.
Slowbeef: It really is.






Dave_O: Purple hair, holy shit! It's a horrible mutant.
Slowbeef: 'What brings you to this palace?' Palace?
Dave_O: It's a mansion, lady.
Slowbeef: One room and two doors!


Dave_O: You just jump-kicked a guy on a motorcycle.


Slowbeef: Haha. That is so awesome.
Dave_O: I want that pause screen in real life.
Slowbeef: Totally.
Dave_O: It's like, "Oh you just aced this exam." "Really? Dun na na NA NA."
Slowbeef: "You just relaunched a website. Dun na na NA NA."
Dave_O: "You just got caught playing NES by your boss at work. Dun na na NA NA. And he didn't care! Dun na na NA NA."


Slowbeef: Hey, you can't pause in this! This game sucks!
Dave_O: And this is the most badass part because you're just glaring these helicopters to death.


Dave_O: Yes! My God, I love this game.
Slowbeef: Who doesn't? Besides Hitler.


Dave_O: All these games I've been playing... like someone did an LP of X-Men 2: Clone Wars and I've been playing that and all these enemies just explode.
Slowbeef: It's like a sort of.... ....I don't know why.
Dave_O: It brings closure. I guess it's an effective way to get rid of them.


Dave_O: Ah, a new guy- look at his fucking eyebrows! Jesus Christ!
Slowbeef: Oh my God. He could destroy a tank with that.
Dave_O: He just knocks down buildings with his gaze.



Slowbeef: Oh you got it, citizen.
Dave_O: He's letting you know you're gonna get raped.


Slowbeef: What was that station?
Dave_O: It was Potsdam. It was that first one that you go to that's useless.
Slowbeef: Ah, Jesus. This is so stupid.


Dave_O: Your L and your B are very high.
Slowbeef: I have a lot of B.
Dave_O: You have a pocket full of bees.


Slowbeef: That guy looks so depressed.
Dave_O: Hey, do you remember we tried to LP this before and Krakhan was eating wings?


Both: (laugh)

If you're wondering, the Potsdam station is all the way to the left in Berlin and the Brandenburg Gate is all the way to the right. Just hit up the Green Mansion on the way.



Dave_O: Let's see what Hitler has to say.


Dave_O: Oh my God, that guy's horrifying. He's all disheveled.


Slowbeef: Golgo's got nothin' to say to that.




This is a previous screenshot, because Golgo four-dots, but gets cutoff by a gunshot.


Dave_O: Ah! Why'd you shoot him?


Slowbeef: Now he's doing it.
Dave_O: His last thing to do is four-dot.



Slowbeef: Who's he talking to?
Dave_O: "Alright, boys!"
Slowbeef: "It's deep!"
Dave_O: "The Spree River!"


Dave_O: Did you ever eat Sprees?
Slowbeef: No, I never even heard of 'em.
Dave_O: I mean like the candy.
Slowbeef: I've never even heard of that.
Dave_O: They're nice. Some of those would be delightful.

At this point, I get lost and wander Berlin for like 10 minutes.

Slowbeef: Where am I going?
Dave_O: I don't really know, either. Right. That's where we're going.
Slowbeef: Oh we're supposed to go meet that broad at the hotel.

But I accidentally go to:






Slowbeef: Condor? Wait, didn't we just find him? Didn't he just die?
Dave_O: He kind of looked like a bird.
Slowbeef: It was an appropriate code name after all.


Slowbeef: You still there?
Dave_O: Yeah, I'm still here. I'm just amazed by these wonderful FPS portions.
Slowbeef: And the missiles that only do like 10 damage.



Dave_O: Here we go. Wait, it's Hitler. Are we supposed to meet Hitler here?




Dave_O: Oh, now he's nice to you.
Slowbeef: Totally. (to coworkers) Hey, do you guys wanna see 8-bit sex?
Dave_O: Oh man.
Coworker Jeff: ....So anyway....
Slowbeef: Oh, spoiler alert. Sorry.




Slowbeef: Eh? He didn't do that.



Dave_O: That's kinky-ass sex.




Slowbeef: "I don't know if I can get you scuba gear." Just frown at her. "Okay, I'll do it!"





Slowbeef: Uh oh... and it restores your health.
Dave_O: It's like we're playing Grand Theft Auto.
Slowbeef: That's where they got the idea. That's good foreplay, too. "I need some scuba gear." "I don't like the Iron Curtain."


Dave_O: I think that deserves a pause.



Post-script to Video 1:
Slowbeef: The best is I might get fired for this.
Dave_O: You're gonna get a promotion.

Now, at this point, I should mention the stage select code we used. To perform the stage select, wait at the beginning - when the helicopter is flying over New York. After it's shot down, when Golgo's eyes "roll" (it's really the glint of the scope), press start on controller one and immediately:

- Hold up, A, and B on Controller 1.
- Up, Left, A, and B on Controller 2.

This must be done simultaneously and with all those buttons held, hit start!

Even better if you do it right, you get a two-digit code in hex that you can select from: 00, 08, 0A, 12... up to 49 for some reason. Also, this isn't really a stage select. It just drops you in the middle of different acts.

Dave_O: It takes fucking Golgo 13 to do this code.
Slowbeef: You can go to the beginning with this code, or...


Dave_O: The sex.
Slowbeef: Oh yeah.
Dave_O: It's such a good scene, though.


Dave_O: Do vaccines come in files?
Slowbeef: I don't know. I haven't figured this story out at all.
Dave_O: The story on this is nothing compared to The Mafat Conspiracy.
Slowbeef: I remember that one being much better.


Slowbeef: "Golgo's getting some action, bro!"
Dave_O: Nice, lurkdawg. "Is that ya dad?"
Slowbeef: Ha! You did him really good there.


Dave_O: Wait, the pause counts for when we do cool shit, too?
Slowbeef: Why not?


Dave_O: I'm having chili burgers with my girlfriend, does that get a pause screen- oh we can't pause right now. God damn it!
Slowbeef: Damn you, Pan Zoom mode!
Dave_O: Is that what they call it?
Slowbeef: I looked it up, it's called Pan N Zoom Mode. It's not even called First Person. I guess that term wasn't invented yet.
Dave_O: When you're panning and zooming with a camera, you don't shoot the subjects you're filming. I mean I don't. Maybe in Japan.
Slowbeef: Well that would get you your life back. So if you were like injured or something.
Dave_O: Yeah, really. "Our cameraman's hurt." "Well, kill everyone."


Slowbeef: So what are you guys eating?
Dave_O: Chili burgers. It's gonna be good as hell.


Dave_O: Ah, that feels so gratifying.
Slowbeef: Proton Jon posted [in the previous thread] "I wish I had that as my screensaver." I wish I had it just everywhere.


Dave_O: We need to get Proton Jon in on this.
Slowbeef: He wasn't on Skype sadly. We need to get everyone. We need to make this a big Golgo 13 party.
Dave_O: A big conference call. People that aren't even goons. Just random people we know. Hey, hop in on this call!



Slowbeef: Hey wait, scuba gear? Golgo's trying to screw this girl too.
Dave_O: Wait, that's his pickup line?
Slowbeef: Yeah!
Dave_O: I wanna try that in real life.
Slowbeef: I did actually. I went on a date, and... oh, Act 3!






End of Act 2.