Part 3: Act III: River of No Return

The Story Thus Far:

Golgo 13 is framed by unknown conspirators who shot down a CIA helicopter containing the deadly Cassandra G virus. An organization called the Fixer Group discovered that Golgo was not the real culprit, and now Golgo is working with Fixer agents Maria Lovelette, Cherry Grace, and Condor to recover the Cassandra G Vaccine.

Condor is killed, but manages to hand Golgo a file and tells him there is a secret base in East Berlin's Spree River. So the Mistress of the Green Mansion gives Golgo some scuba gear and Golgo attempts to find that base.

This is as coherent as I can make it folks.


Act III: River of No Return


Slowbeef: Tell 'em what it is.
Dave_O: Oh! It's Jesus.
Slowbeef: That skeleton has a crown of thorns.
Dave_O: That punk rock skeleton I found out is Jesus.


Welcome to Golgo 13's second most annoying mini-game: swimming. The controls - for the only time in the game - are somewhat responsive and even more importantly, don't make Golgo handle like a drunken retard.

This is nullified by the fact that Golgo's body position changes whenever you hit any direction, so your hitbox is basically all over the place. Good luck dodging all the enemies that are significantly faster than you are, the evil sea life that takes a million hits to kill, or the really tight squeezes necessary to avoid the plethora of mines. And of course, the "put in for the sake of extending the gameplay" Pan N Zoom modes.

Heh. I used the word 'plethora'.


Slowbeef: Did we mention the 13th hill of Golgotha thing in the first video?
Dave_O: I- Er, we didn't. We tried to in the second video, but I think like your house burned down or something?
Slowbeef: Yeah, that was it.
Dave_O: I'm not really sure.


Dave_O: Golgo 13 was named for some reason because Jesus was crucified on the thirteenth hill of Golgotha. And you just died because you suck, but.... I don't really get how Jesus comes into this.
Slowbeef: You know what I don't get is how this game has like twenty different mini-games and none of them are any good.
Dave_O: You'd think one of them would be decent.
Slowbeef: I know. The helicopter one was almost good.


Dave_O: I think those are ghost scuba divers because they're just floating through that coral like no problem.


Dave_O: I saw a screenshot of one of them like swimming past you and I thought it was a fish or something. I got excited for a second like maybe you were gonna shoot dolphins, but it's just these fucking guys. I mean, if you blaspheme Jesus in a game, I don't think killing dolphins is that much sacreder. (?)
Slowbeef: Not really. Also Jesus in that scene is walking on the words "Golgo 13" in Japanese. They're pretty much saying he's bigger than Jesus.
Dave_O: Oh yeah, exactly. Maybe they're implying Golgo actually went back in time and assasinated Jesus.
Slowbeef: Oh my God. That would make Mel Gibson so annoyed.
Dave_O: Mel Gibson's in the game, too. That's one of the levels.
Slowbeef: That's Level Four.
Dave_O: Golgo's got his huge mutton chops and shit, he's walkin' around in a robe and sandals. With an M16.


This is a lone torpedo. It made no noise and didn't even acknowledge me. Godspeed, underwater missile friend.

At this point, I deviate from the video and decide to check out the fake base. What fake base? Well, if you head to the right, but stay on the surface...


Golgo finds a ladder. Since you probably headed to the right when you played this for the first time, you'd think, "Cool! I found the bad guy's hideout!" Well, no.


You start here. In a first-person maze. This should have been a major warning sign that maybe video wasn't the smartest way to LP this.



Welcome to our first maze enemy. This guy shoots at you when he sees you. Killing him not only restores some health but gives you a grenade! You start with three grenades, and you can carry a max of three. "Wait, slowbeef. When did Golgo get grenades?" you ask. Well, fuck if I know.

Oh yeah. To attack in the maze, press A to make a cursor appear onscreen. Golgo can fire straight ahead, a little to his left, or a little to his right.


Occasionally, a wall will come down and block your path. That's what grenades are for.



See?


This maze enemy throws knives at you. Shooting him makes his hand explode. I don't know why.


This is the only laser trap in Berlin. If you run through it, you'll lose like 70-80 health. Even worse, if you only go forward once, it will just keep draining you until you die.


The lower level of the fake base looks like the real base, but it isn't. Here's some highlights of the fake maze.


Death!


Paraphrenalia! (Ammo. Hey, it's what the manual calls it.)


More death!


Night vision goggles that let you see the lasers! And since they disappear when you leave the fake maze, they're only good for that lone trap we saw earlier!


And a life restoring potion! Just to piss you off, there's a door guarded by four of those walls you need grenades for. But since you only carry 3, you can't get to it. It's not a secret either, it's seriously there just to fool you. I'm not kidding.

That's it for the fake base. We now return you to your regularly scheduled LP, already in progress.



Dave_O: I wonder what species of an enemy explodes. I would never go swimming again.
Slowbeef: You know what it is? Golgo's just that cool. Most things just bleed when they get hit with a spear gun. His frown just makes them explode.
Dave_O: That spear gun's not even shooting anything. He's just giving dirty looks to these guys.



Slowbeef: Oh man. This is so boring, this Pan N Zoom. And all the scuba divers have rocket launchers.


Slowbeef: Now I gotta ask. What is this base? Like, what am I doing?
Dave_O: Um.... well.... apparently the file's here?
Slowbeef: Wait, no, didn't I have the file?


Slowbeef: Okay, should I demo what happens if you fall in the water or just tell people?
Dave_O: No, um, demo it.
Slowbeef: Okay.
Dave_O: Just so they can hear your howl of rage.
Slowbeef: You know what everybody? I just wanna say this. When we first did the video of this level, I said, "I bet even though there's a scuba level, you can't fall in the water without dying. Well this is what fucking happens..."


Slowbeef: You go back to the beginning of the fucking scuba level again! I don't, like.... what the fuck, man?
Dave_O: At least you don't die.
Slowbeef: And I'm not gonna demo this, but if you go to the right there, there's a fake fuckin' base! Like you do that whole base level, but there's nothing fucking there! Like, wha-... ugh. This game is so fuckin' retarded.
Dave_O: You have to be a hardass like Golgo to play this.


Dave_O: Didn't one of the guys in the [previous] thread say you only have like 50 continues or something?
Slowbeef: Yeah. And ya need 'em!
Dave_O: Let's put that to the test.
Slowbeef: Basically.



Slowbeef: I like, too, the base people are like "Hey there's one guy in the base." "LAUNCH THE FUCKING MISSILES AT HIM! EVERYTHING!"
Dave_O: "Everything! Everything! You got chairs? Throw them at him, who cares?"


Dave_O: Those lasers aren't even shooting at you. They're throwing the lasers.


Slowbeef: "You, just stand on your floating platform and throw your paper airplanes at him."
Dave_O: He's on a floating Segway. He's too lazy to use a real Segway, he has to float around.
Dave_O: He literally does throw paper airplanes at you.
Slowbeef: It's crazy. And they hurt a lot.



Slowbeef: ARGH!
Dave_O: Dammit.
Slowbeef: Fucking Christ!
[long pause]
Dave_O: That's the best security system of all. "Push him in the water!"
Slowbeef: He just teleports back. It's teleporting water. "Why did we spend so much money on missiles and lasers?"


Dave_O: My question is how the fuck does anyone get to this base, like when you're going to work in the morning?
Slowbeef: Well, you have to go to the Green Mansion. Then you have to don your scuba gear. Then you have to dodge the sharks and octopus. Octopi, whatever. And everytime you die, Golgo's staring at you like "What a fuckup."
Slowbeef: Basically, yeah. He's just glaring.
Dave_O: "I would do much better than you at this."


Dave_O: So I like how all the sprites in this game are piss poor, and they don't have many pixels to work with. So of all the things to render, they went with Golgo's sideburns. That was more important than the buttons on his suit? Or making his shoes and his hands a different color? "I mean we fucking need sideburns or it's not Golgo!"
Slowbeef: Basically, the art - they spent all of the art budget on Golgo. And then that was it.


Dave_O: Dude, you're gonna be the best at like that section of the level, ever.
Slowbeef: Someday.
Dave_O: You could post a speedrun just of this section. No one could beat your time.
Slowbeef: "Was this tool assisted?" No, I just kept doing it.
Dave_O: No, if you did it, it was definitely "tool-assisted".
Slowbeef: Ohhhh.... I don't get it. Are you saying that I'm handsome?
Dave_O: Yeah.


Slowbeef: That's how cool Golgo is. A missile can hit him in the head and he just keeps going. "Yeah, whatever."
Dave_O: That's how he takes showers. He just showers in missiles.
Slowbeef: He just stands there, glowering at the showerhead as it shoots missiles at him. And then when he steps out:


Dave_O: I think he wraps himself in a big towel so you only see his eyes.
Slowbeef: Haha. Oh Duke To-Go.
Dave_O: Duke To-Go. That's a good joke. I'm glad I made it. I'd be afraid to eat at his restaurant.
Slowbeef: I would too.



Slowbeef: Hey, I just shot that laser!
Dave_O: I know. I love that.
Slowbeef: These are the most realistic lasers I've ever seen in my life. And I've seen a lot of lasers, lemme tell you.
Dave_O: Isn't your house made of lasers?
Slowbeef: It's made of eyebrows.


Slowbeef: How do I enter this tiny door?


Slowbeef: Oh here we go. Alright! What's in here?


Slowbeef: A zombie!
Dave_O: Zombie Hitler!
Slowbeef: Oh no.


Slowbeef: Hey, he really does look like Hitler.
Dave_O: The eyebrows in this game are fantastic!
Slowbeef: "Have you come to help me?" He doesn't even know!


Dave_O: Golgo just shrugged. "I dunno!"


Slowbeef: No, all he did was stare at him and: "Oh my God, okay! I'm Oz Windham!"
Dave_O: There's no way to pronounce his last name that isn't funny. "Whined Ham."


Dave_O: The vaccine and the file. Is the file like directions on how to use it?
Slowbeef: Wait, didn't Golgo say that he had the file?
Dave_O: I think so. I think he lost it on the way to the base.





Slowbeef: Just for the record, Golgo did not say a fucking word in this conversation.


And now the most annoying part of the whole game returns. First person mazes! Need I say more?


Slowbeef: Oh, the maze.
Dave_O: Our favorite part. Look, you're carrying around turtles.


Slowbeef: Ugh! I don't believe I fell down the goddamned pit.
Dave_O: It's okay. You've got turtles. Just eat one of 'em.
Slowbeef: Done and done!


Dave_O: Actually if you throw them at a wall in here, turtles explode.


Slowbeef: I don't know why I didn't use my exploding turtles earlier. Which way you think? East or west?
Dave_O: Well, it says NES so go that way.
Slowbeef: Oh, I can't pause here either.




Slowbeef: Look how badly drawn that is!
Dave_O: Look at the direction. It's like "Okay, thanks for informing me. So that's where ladders go!"


Dave_O: I would hate to be a soldier at this base. To get to work, you gotta get through the river and shit, and then you wander around in a maze all day.
Slowbeef: Tell me about it.
Dave_O: Just standin' around like, "I hope no one pops around this corner and kills me."


Slowbeef: And then that happens. "I'm stuck behind the wall again." "Throw a grenade at it."
Dave_O: "You got a grenade?" "I'm all out." "Goddamn it."



Dave_O: In the manual it has maps of these and it tells you to draw them on graph paper.
Slowbeef: Why would they give you the map and then say "Also draw it on graph paper?"
Dave_O: To extend the playtime of the game.


Slowbeef: I think we're out already!
Dave_O: Good job!
Slowbeef: Thank you. Thank you very much.
Dave_O: Why would you put mazes in a game? Who likes mazes?
Slowbeef: No one likes mazes.
Dave_O: Who sits down and says, "I love mazes. I think I'll go do one."
Slowbeef: Those people at diners who make the placemats.
Dave_O: That's the people who made this game!



End of Act 3.