Part 5: Act V: Spartacus

Act V: Spartacus
With slowbeef, Dave_O, Proton Jon, and T-White

The Story Thus Far:

Golgo's friend Ms. Tiffany was shot and his M16 is gone. And now he's out to retrieve that, AND the Cassandra G file! I think. Whatever.


Dave_O: Finally a movie that people can recognize.
Proton Jon: I recognized A Farewell to Arms
Dave_O: Oh. Well not everyone is as cultured as you, Jon.


Slowbeef: Damn you, Paper Airplane guy!
T-White: So is Dukey capable of shooting any faster than that?
Slowbeef: Ugh. Apparently not! I'm jammin' on the A button and this is as fast as it gets. [You can only have one bullet onscreen at a time.]
Proton Jon: Why is your gun like vibrating? There's these weird action lines.
Slowbeef: It's for her pleasure.
Dave_O: That's how you know it's firing.


Slowbeef: More lasers... who's that?
Dave_O: Is that like a goon?



Slowbeef: What the-?
Proton Jon: What the-?
Dave_O: This is the room of damnation.
Proton Jon: You kinda led him to a pink elevator.


Slowbeef: And now for my favorite part.
Dave_O: That's seriously Hitler. Look at him.


Dave_O: Oh wait, it's Otacon.
Slowbeef: Wait a minute! This is the exact same thing that happened in the first base!
Proton Jon: But now it's pink.
T-White: "Have you come to help me?"
Slowbeef: He can't possibly say ellipses. He can't.


Slowbeef: He can. [I seriously didn't know he actually would.]
T-White: (laughs)
Proton Jon: That's all he says.


Slowbeef: It looks like we might actually start to understand the plot.



Dave_O: Can I talk about Drek, or should I wait?
Slowbeef: I'd say wait until after the conversation. Because that's just more of me fighting bullshit.



Slowbeef: In an underground fortress.
Proton Jon: You mean like where you are now?
Slowbeef: I know! What the hell are they talking about?
Dave_O: This isn't underground, this is underwater.
T-White: They mean a little further down.
Proton Jon: "We're at the center of the earth, is this close enough?"




Slowbeef: "Man who shot down... kill Golgo-" Why?
T-White: Gasp!
Slowbeef: And why doesn't he know I'm not Golgo 13?
Dave_O: Yeah, why couldn't he just say "kill you?" Is he the one person who doesn't know who you are?


Slowbeef: That's like the fifth conversation where he's just said nothing. And seiferguy's calling me. Stop it!


Slowbeef: Okay... the Drek thing.
Dave_O: Yeah, the Drek thing, okay um. Originally, this game had just straight up Nazis in it. In fact, there's a file you can get that has the swazstika on it and they forgot to take it out. Also, "Drek" is Yiddish for "shit".

At this point, I died and am taken back to...


Slowbeef: Why are they making me do the conversation again?!
Proton Jon: 'Cause you died. That's your torture.
Slowbeef: You know what? When I have kids I'm gonna punish them with this. Like if they talk back to me, I'm gonna be like "Alright, now you have to play Golgo 13."
Proton Jon: "You're not getting any dinner until you finish it."
Slowbeef: "And I'd better not hear a pause screen, young man!"
Dave_O: Then you leave the room and it's like "Dun na na NA NA."


T-White: I just want to take the pause screen and make a pillowcase out of it, so I could sleep next to that.
Proton Jon: .... That's creepy dude.
Slowbeef: That's a little homoerotic, I have to say it.



Slowbeef: Ugh, why's it lagging?
Proton Jon: Bullet time - it's Golgo's super power.
Dave_O: Quit downloading torrents at work and there'd be no lag.



Dave_O: There we go.
T-White: And he's instantly out of the scuba suit.



All: (laugh)
Slowbeef: Oh my God, that's it?!
Dave_O: A reflective moment on the beach.
Slowbeef: I don't fuckin' believe that!
Proton Jon: That was truly a vacation moment.


Dave_O: Dude, I fucking hate Greece, there's mines everywhere.
Slowbeef: And jets.
Dave_O: Can you imagine being on vacation in Greece, and you're walking along and you see this guy in a suit. Suddenly jets and helicopters come along and just start shooting at him?
Slowbeef: Well, you'd probably be dead from all the landmines just strewn around.
Slowbeef: I'd be more amazed that the guy just shoots a single shot and the jet explodes.
T-White: I think the submarine would impress me.
Slowbeef: "What the hell gun do you have, man?" "Dot dot dot dot." ".... Why aren't you speaking to me?"
Proton Jon: It's a Four-Dot custom.


Slowbeef: You know what I hate? I think I know where I have to go and it's the Hallway of Hell. (A side-scrolling section with 3 girls, and 5 rocket guys.)
Dave_O: Oh man, the jumping women of Greece.



Slowbeef: What the fuck?!
Proton Jon: What the-?
Dave_O: What?
Proton Jon: It's a five-year-old!
Dave_O: It's Groucho Marx!
Proton Jon: Charlie Chaplin!



Slowbeef: "The M16 and the woman are in my hands." What woman?
Dave_O: What hands?
Proton Jon: Woman who got shot, I guess. The guy's a necropheliac.


Slowbeef: When was the last time Golgo said something? The beginning of Act 4?


Dave_O: Why would it be in Greece? They'd ship him back.


Slowbeef: The mysterious short adversary.



Proton Jon: Wait, did they just put you where you have to go?
Dave_O: Yeah. We pursued him, okay?
Proton Jon: Pursued him via text.



T-White: Here it comes.


Proton Jon: Oh, guess not.


Slowbeef: Alright, I know.


Slowbeef: Awwww.


Slowbeef: Ugh. It's so boring.
T-White: The bad guy can't even kill you himself. He keeps sending wave after wave of faceless minions to do it.
Dave_O: I wish there were like a maze here.


Slowbeef: Die. Please just die. Please, please, please- just blow up. Thank you. 2 more... GLARE HARDER! Tell me the game just froze- okay good.
Dave_O: He glared so hard the game just froze.
Proton Jon: He's actually glaring at you for missing right now.
Dave_O: Golgo's such a bad game that even Netplay won't work on it. And it wasn't even invented when they made the game. They planned for the future.
T-White: "Twenty years from now, we don't want anyone playing our video game over the Internet."


Slowbeef: Ugh, I'm gonna have to go that way.
Dave_O: The fucking Hallway From Hell.
Slowbeef: Wait, didn't they say they'd be waiting for us at the concert hall?
T-White: Do we go there?
Dave_O: We did, there was nobody there.


Slowbeef: That's morals guy. We're skipping him.
Dave_O: "How does it feel to mow down a room full of people?"
Proton Jon: "Pretty good, actually."


Slowbeef: Get away from me, damn it.
Dave_O: Go away, women. With your Go-Go boots. Not your Golgo boots.

Die and it takes me to...


Slowbeef: No, c'mon! ....No, please don't effin' tell me.
Proton Jon: Oh, what?
Dave_O: Try walking in there again.


Dave_O: See, yeah. You went in already.
Slowbeef: I don't believe they make you effin' do this again.
Proton Jon: Try the hotel.


Slowbeef: I will. I really don't want to go down that hallway. Especially because if you friggin' d- ...ugh. That wasn't Skype cutting out. That was me disgusted with this other Pan N Zoom.
Dave_O: When you die, it says "TO BE CONTINUED." Get it? Cause you use a continue.


Dave_O: Because of this game, I hate helicopters.... jets.... bombs.... random first person scenes....
T-White: Submarines....
Slowbeef: Flame-throwing rocket launchers....
Dave_O: Ass....
Slowbeef: Let's just play Super Metroid instead guys, what do you say?
Dave_O: I hate eyebrows....
T-White: Mutton chips....
Dave_O: I hate, uh, women in white dresses.... paper airplanes....


Slowbeef: DON'T MOONWALK! TURN AROUND! Alright, if anyone's wondering what I mean by moonwalking, if you turn around landing from a jump, he just... yeah. He walks backwards and won't shoot.
Proton Jon: He's a smooth criminal.
T-White: They're not glitches. They just decided to make those his special moves.
Proton Jon: Maybe you can kill them with his special dance moves.
Dave_O: They just reused the animations from Moonwalker to save money.


T-White: And then this guy to tell you that it's not cool to do that.
Slowbeef: Bobservo pointed this out in the [previous] thread, but when you duck, it doesn't help because the bad guys can still shoot you.
Dave_O: It helps them shoot you in the face.

For the record, it does help on the rocket launcher guys when they shoot straight forward. But that's actually the only enemy in the game it helps for. Seriously.


Slowbeef: Should I fight the girls or just run? And no you cannot duck and shoot.
T-White: How many bullets does it take to kill them?
Slowbeef: Like three, but [actually 2-3, and it's random] they're so fast it's not really worth it.


Proton Jon: Are you even hitting this guy?


Slowbeef: Here we go, this is the part I hate.
Dave_O: The rocket propelled grenade convention.
Proton Jon: Whoa, what the hell?
Slowbeef: "You got your rocket launcher, Bill?" "Hell yeah! Let's shoot this guy!"
Dave_O: It's a TFR Goon Meet.
Slowbeef: Ugh! Duck duck duck!
Proton Jon: Next shot probably goes high....
Slowbeef: No, there's no pattern.
[it doesn't go high]
Proton Jon: Maybe not.
Dave_O: It's just random.
Slowbeef: Die, please die, please die.... YES.
Dave_O: Oh no!
Proton Jon: Moonwalk out of there, Golgo!
Dave_O: You jumped past them. Hooray.


Dave_O: Tell me there's something in here.
T-White: Heh. I bet he looks and leaves.



All: Argh!
Slowbeef: OH MY GOD.
Proton Jon: What?!
Slowbeef: OH MY GOD.
T-White: (laughs)
Slowbeef: OH MY GOD.
Dave_O: Where's our friend?
Slowbeef: I.... ugh.
T-White: Did we come out the other side, maybe?


Slowbeef: Ugh....
Proton Jon: Maybe he just never left where he was in the first place.
Dave_O: It was all a trick.
T-White: You go all the way here, then you just come back.


Slowbeef: Just kill me, I don't care.
Dave_O: Just run into him. Give him a hug.
[The rocket guy just stands there.]
Slowbeef: He's not shooting now!
Dave_O: The game won't even kill you when you want it to.
Proton Jon: This is the true torture.

[We see two girls on the way back]

Slowbeef: Yeah, whatever, bitch. Any of you ladies got scuba gear? Whatever. Do it. Go ahead.



Proton Jon: She missed!
Slowbeef: ARE YOU EFFIN' KIDDING ME?!
Proton Jon: (laughs)
T-White: (laughs)
Dave_O: (laughs) Clearly, the trick to Golgo is to not die.

[I finally get killed.]
Slowbeef: What horror awaits me now?
Proton Jon: You're probably gonna be back at that theater.


Proton Jon: Oh, no.
Slowbeef: Okay. It said I pursued the guy there....
Dave_O: It said he was gonna be here, didn't it?
Proton Jon: It said you chased him here. Try where you were in the first place. Like, go left.... remember where you met with the midget? Go there?
Dave_O: The midget. Ha ha.
Proton Jon: Midget Charlie Chaplin.
Slowbeef: So wait. That would mean I chased him here.... and then just to go back?
Proton Jon: Hey, at this point it might make sense. Can you press up here?
Dave_O: Hey slowbeef, it might help to remember what game you're playing.
Slowbeef: Oh yeah.


Slowbeef: I needed that.


Proton Jon: I like how these motorcylces can make these huge jumps without actually going over anything. It's perfectly flat land and they go up like five feet.
Slowbeef: This game is just a pinnacle of awesome. Yes! I shot someone! [presses start, but encounters too much lag for it to count] I shot someone! Dammit!
Proton Jon: Did you screw up the pause?
Slowbeef: I screwed up the pause! There's too much lag!
Dave_O: The more upset slowbeef gets, the more he sounds like lurkdawg.

[We go to the hotel.]


Slowbeef: Please have a message for me. Please.
Dave_O: It's like anticipation of what he's gonna say. "We don't have any rooms for your kind here."


Slowbeef: Yes!
Dave_O: I have a massage for you.
Proton Jon: It's probably the same one.
Slowbeef: "You have to start at Act 2 now. Take easy."
Dave_O: The message is a picture of the midget's ass.


Proton Jon: Miss Eve Christy?
Dave_O: It's Christ. It's another Golgo 13 thing.
Proton Jon: Oh! Another sex scene.
Slowbeef: You think so?
Dave_O: It's not sex. He just needs to get scuba gear.


T-White: That's his response to that.


Slowbeef: What's with those two big saltshakers on the table?
Dave_O: Those are handles.



T-White: "I have a scuba tank and a spear gun for you..."



Slowbeef: Haha, "I-comma-M Eve Christy."


Slowbeef: They got it right (correct) there! Who is Cherry Grace?
Dave_O: You boned her, I think.
Slowbeef: Oh, right.
T-White: I thought she was the first chick.
Dave_O: I dunno.
Slowbeef: She's been captured by Drek- er, the Nazis.
Dave_O: Just whenever you see Drek, just replace it with Nazis.
Slowbeef: Gotcha.
Dave_O: We're gonna thwart Nintendo's censoring.




Slowbeef: "Traced the enemy's hideout..."
Proton Jon: In Texas.
Dave_O: In your pants.


Slowbeef: Has Golgo said anything yet?
Proton Jon: Nope.


Proton Jon: You have another copter level.
T-White: A copter level. Yay.
Proton Jon: You get to snipe the sea.
Dave_O: You kill the actual Aegean Sea.


Slowbeef: OH NO!
Proton Jon: Oh no. You have to go there now.



Slowbeef: Oh there's somethin' I can do! And what does he say? What does he say?
Proton Jon: Four dots.
T-White: Scuba gear.
Dave_O: "I need some scuba gear."


T-White: Here it comes.


Slowbeef: I get it! we're gonna screw!
T-White: Is it gonna recycle a cutscene from earlier you think?
Proton Jon: Chances are.
Slowbeef: Imagine if it was like really hardcore pornography next?
Dave_O: Just horrifically like pixellated.



Proton Jon: I'm convinced when Duke has sex with a woman, it's just to shut them up.
Slowbeef: This has been the longest conversation in the game!
Dave_O: Duke's just like, "On with it!"
Proton Jon: You're not staring hard enough. Keep it up.





Proton Jon: There you go.
Dave_O: He didn't even dignify her with a four-dot.
T-White: She took him by surprise; he didn't even have time to four-dot her.
Slowbeef: I'd end this video on getting laid again, but I really don't want to redo Act 5 if I can help it.
T-White: Were you at lower health?
Slowbeef: Yeah, it refilled it.
Dave_O: What if that worked in real life, like you were horrificly injured and yourself and your arm was hanging off, just flapping. "Quick, someone have sex with me."
Proton Jon: Who needs doctors?
Slowbeef: I wish women were this easy in real life. Like, "I'm bored." "Alright, well, let's..."


Proton Jon: Why are you back in the hotel?
Dave_O: Because you have to make the trek to the, uh theater.


Proton Jon: It's another message, he wants more sex.
Slowbeef: There's another woman waiting for you in Room 63.
Dave_O: It says: "I'm pregnant. Signed Cherry Grace. P.S. I'm thinking about naming the child Dot-Dot-Dot-Dot."



Slowbeef: "Come here, Ellipses!"
T-White: His eyes are closed. It looks like he's just asleep.
Slowbeef: He's tired!
Dave_O: All this is Golgo sleepwalking. He's gonna wake up at the end. "What happened? What's this gun in my hand?"


Slowbeef: Ugh. I don't wanna go there. Please be the next act....


Slowbeef: Perfect. Screw [Maxwell Adams]'s method of audio syncing with a sword. We got the pause screen, baby! I love the Photoshop with the Bill O'Reilly Talking Points thing.


Slowbeef: HarryParachute did that - that was fucking awesome.
Dave_O: Jon, you should make a Windows theme.
Proton Jon: I thought it was bad enough that I did the screensaver.
Dave_O: I haven't tested it out yet.
Proton Jon: It's the pause screen as the Windows Screen Saver.
Dave_O: Does the music looping sync up?
Proton Jon: I haven't tested it yet. It should.
Dave_O: Slowbeef, you need to put that screensaver on all your coworkers' computers.


T-White: "Destroy enemies to restore vitality."
Slowbeef: Dammit, I need to screw a girl, quick!


Dave_O: "Are any of you girls?"
Slowbeef: "Are any of you women back there bored?"

[At this point, I die again.]
All: Awwww.
Slowbeef: He's still hitting me even though I'm dead.
Proton Jon: Insult to injury.
T-White: He's such a badass, when he dies he doesn't fall. He just stands there.
Dave_O: When Golgo dies, they just have to prop him up against the wall at his funeral.
Slowbeef: "We can't fit him in the coffin! He's got a wide stance. There's nothing we can do."
Proton Jon: He just glares at everyone who tried to kill him.


Proton Jon: Just jump up there1


Slowbeef: YESSS!!!
Dave_O: The strategy in Golgo 13 is just don't actually kill anyone.


Proton Jon: Isn't that the guy who runs the hotel?
Slowbeef: Yeah, it is!
Dave_O: It's Hitler.


Slowbeef: Wait a minute!
Proton Jon: It's a black man.
All: (laugh)
Proton Jon: That's not right at all!
Dave_O: That guy does not look black.


Slowbeef: Golgo's even confused on that one!
Dave_O: His sideburns are threatening yours.


Proton Jon: Spartacus?
Dave_O: Is this like a boss fight?
Slowbeef: I guess.



Proton Jon: It might actually be a boss fight.
Slowbeef: I hope not, I can barely do shit.


Slowbeef: What the-? Where did this come from?
Proton Jon: What the hell?
Dave_O: By submachine gun, he meant "maze."


Proton Jon: That's him right there, get him.
Slowbeef: I'm trying!
T-White: Oh jeez.


Proton Jon: Did he just fly away?


Slowbeef: They're not letting me shoot him!
Proton Jon: He's the greatest assassin ever.
Dave_O: The reason you can't shoot him is because he put a flower in your gun.
Proton Jon: Throw a grenade!
Slowbeef: Hey if I just look away, he can't hurt- oh wait that's wrong.
T-White: Just remember to do a barrel roll when you're being fired at.
Slowbeef: Why is this not working?

How to kill Spartacus.

The trick is you have to shoot him when he's not shooting you. When he jumps over you, press down to turn around. When he jumps from the left side of the screen to the right, catch him when he's landing. All it takes is one bullet.


Slowbeef: There we go.... Is he dead?
Proton Jon: Wow.... that was lame.
Slowbeef: That was the boss?! Kaillera lag is the toughest part about that boss?
Dave_O: Exactly.
T-White: That was a pretty good blood shot.
Dave_O: You should've thrown a turtle at him.


[There's a helicopter sound.]
Slowbeef: What?
Proton Jon: What the hell? That was the boss.
Dave_O: Apparently he turned into a helicopter.


Proton Jon: Okay, that's Charlie Chaplin.
Slowbeef: No, that's another black guy.
Dave_O: Yeah. "You killed my brother Spartacus."


Slowbeef: Is that Oz Windham?
Dave_O: I think it is.
T-White: It makes me angry that they don't even bother to do a palette swap.



Proton Jon: HE SAID SOMETHING!
Slowbeef: He could give a shit about anybody! "We've got the chopper ready." "Shut the fuck up. Give me my gun."
Dave_O: He doesn't sleep very well without it.


Slowbeef: He's lying. He's got ellipses.



All: (laugh)
Proton Jon: Golgo will never say anything for the rest of the game until he gets the gun.


Slowbeef: Ugh.
Proton Jon: The chapter's still not over?
Slowbeef: It's the longest goddamned chapter ever.
Dave_O: Well.... I am Spartacus.


Slowbeef: You know what? If for some reason, I lose music or the commentary, this is goin' up. I don't care. I'm not doing this again.
Dave_O: Doesn't matter. Who cares? No one is actually watching the thread.
Proton Jon: It's just us four. That's it.
Dave_O: They just pretend that we're funny so we feel good.


Dave_O: I think it's sushi rotating around the bomb. You know, this helicopter doesn't even have guns. You're just shooting your pistol.


T-White: Try shooting the missiles.
Slowbeef: Missiles?
Proton Jon: From the sub.
Slowbeef: Oh.... you only get like two back.
Dave_O: It's like using the Fagzer in Super Metroid because you always get two missiles back.
Slowbeef: Oh, we almost made it through without a Super Metroid reference!
Dave_O: You already made one.
Slowbeef: I did?
Proton Jon: Yeah, you made one like at the beginning.
Slowbeef: Ah shit.


Slowbeef: What the hell is that thing? (The "?!")
Dave_O: One of the enemies is "Ugh?!"


Slowbeef: You know Zomodok's in the navy.
Dave_O: That begs the question if you were an officer, in power over someone, would you be more mean to them if you found out they were a goon?
Slowbeef: "I voted your thread one, maggot!"
Dave_O: You make him do push-ups and get in his face. "Yeah, that was a great post. I'm gonna read it back to you while you do push-ups!"
Slowbeef: Drop and give me twenty MSPaints!


Dave_O: Jesus, slowbeef.
Slowbeef: What do you want me to do? That stealth bomber came out of nowhere and I'm like "What the fuck?"
Dave_O: Well, I mean, it's a stealth bomber.
T-White: Yeah, that's kinda the idea.

Slowbeef: I have the most powerful helicopter in the world. I can just crash through jets.
Dave_O: Your helicopter's yellow, though. That's not very badass at all.
Slowbeef: Well, look who's flying it.


Dave_O: He could be flying a pink Hello Kitty helicopter, it doesn't matter.


Proton Jon: You... what the hell? You blew up.



Slowbeef: A bomb has been set? ....What the fuck are they even talking about?
Proton Jon: Weren't you like fifty kilometers in the air and you just jumped into the ocean?

[We see the Act 6 placard and the oncoming scuba section.]

All: Yay.
Slowbeef: We're done, we're done. No, I'm not doing scuba.
Proton Jon: I'm impressed he made that landing, though.
T-White: I'm impressed that not only did he have scuba gear, but he managed to change on the way down.
Slowbeef: How'd he even know to bring it with him?
Dave_O: He just wears it under his clothes.
Slowbeef: "Hold on, Spartacus, I gotta set down the oxygen tank."


[At this point, I thought we were done recording, but managed to get:]

Slowbeef: Oh my God, this game sucks!
Dave_O: It's the worst game I've ever seen.