Part 8: Act VIII: All About Eve

Act VIII: All About Eve

The Story Thus Far:

Golgo has learned that the Nazis, besides stealing the Cassandra-G virus are also attempting to eliminate him. Why? ....Oh sorry, that wasn't rhetorical - I was asking you.

Having learned that Eve Christy may have had sex with him just to get close to him, since she's the enemy leader's girlfriend, he also learned that she's playing both sides, since the Nazis killed her parents.

Golgo retrieves his M16, but decides not to use it until he really needs it. Since we're going up against an army of rocket-launchers, and Amazon ninja weapon, I hope that's fucking soon, Golgo.

The LP So Far

Now that you've gotten through the toughest maze, Golgo 13 (the game) decides to throw everything it has at you. Expect a lot of Pan N Zoom modes and side-scrolling with TONS of cheap enemies who now take off more health than ever before.

You have an unexpected ally now: Their missiles! Yep, shooting enemy missiles in PNZ mode gives you a whopping 100 HP back. This is your primary method of staying alive now as they can take off 60-80 HP per hit.




Slowbeef: What the? Why is the guy wearin' a suit in the jungle? Both of us?
Dave_O: "I'm Jeff Brown. Are you sweaty, too?"
Slowbeef: What am I gonna answer?


Slowbeef: Of course.
Dave_O: Vocalize it.
Slowbeef: Ouuugggghhhhh.
Dave_O: Haha. I love Krakhan.



Slowbeef: I do too. Everyone loves Krakhan.
Dave_O: I'm gonna conference call him right now.


For the record, this is the only time in the game you ever, ever see or hear about Jeff Brown. He's only here to randomly warn travellers about the jungle. In a suit.

Slowbeef: Wait, hold on. We got through the maze.


Dave_O: Ah. So soothing.


Slowbeef: Whoa, get away from me!
Dave_O: What an Amazonian jungle bitch.
Slowbeef: I don't want anything to do with you guys.
Dave_O: They're like, "Ah, we're wearing cocktail dresses in the jungle." "What are they doing to us?" I'm gonna kick this man."


Slowbeef: Are they kidding?
Dave_O: I think we've all established: "Yes."
Slowbeef: Where's my M16? I had an M16!
Dave_O: Now, I'm gonna go ahead and vouch. Earlier in the thread I made fun of Golgo how he stands like that, you know when he's idle?
Slowbeef: Yeah?
Dave_O: That's how he stands. The movie's great. Everyone should honestly see it. The sheer ridiculousness. Often times, Golgo carries the scope to his rifle to look at people - his mark or whatever - and to be inconspicuous, he rolls up a newspaper and holds it up to his eye with the scope in it.
Slowbeef: Get out of here.
Dave_O: He totally does. And just looks around and it's supposed to be totally normal. Like "I'm just lookin' through my newspaper!" Maybe it's normal in Japan. I dunno.
Slowbeef: It must be.
Dave_O: Maybe that's how they read.
Slowbeef: I don't think they read in Japan.


Dave_O: Are they even killable? You gotta shoot 'em like 94 times. You're shooting him in the face.
Slowbeef: These enemies are gettin' tough in the Amazon, lemme tell ya. Can I go in here? No.
Dave_O: "Can I go in.... this tree?"
Slowbeef: I'm not gonna lie. I looked ahead for this part.
Dave_O: Oh you fuckin' cheater.
Slowbeef: Know why? This is a side-scrolling maze.
Dave_O: ....You're shittin' me.
Slowbeef: I'm not.


Slowbeef: Augh.
Dave_O: I'm just gonna get drunk.
Slowbeef: Not a bad idea. It's the scuba level music to top it all off.
Dave_O: Well, it's so humid you think you're underwater.


Dave_O: Those girls have such horse-face.
Slowbeef: It's terrible.


Slowbeef: Shit, fireball!
Dave_O: I think it's a rocket. Oh, wait - you know what it is? That's a potato gun and it's shooting flaming tennis balls at you.


Slowbeef: How does anyone humanly expect you to beat this game?
Dave_O: I don't think they expected you to. They thought kids'd buy it, beat a level, and go "That was cool. Thanks, Mom."
Slowbeef: Only Golgo 13 could. "Your next contract is to finish your own video game." Can Golgo do it?
Dave_O: Are you man enough to star in Golgo 13? We should make our own Golgo 13 movie.
Slowbeef: Argh!
Dave_O: Got nailed in the spring.
Slowbeef: Does he have a spring leg in the movie?
Dave_O: I don't know. You see him naked, but you don't see his leg. He hides it. It's his secret shame. There's a fucking scene in the movie where he and this girl are in an alleyway and the girl is like... I don't really remember, but she wanted to kill this guy. So she shoots him and Golgo just kinda watches this dude get shot and die. And this girl's just flippin' out cause she just shot him. And the Hong Kong police run around the corner because they hear a gunshot, and it's Golgo, this girl, and a dead dude, and the gunshot was like three seconds previous. And the police to Golgo are like "Who are you?" And he's like "Nobody." And they're like "Who's this girl?" And he's like "Some girl I picked up." And they just let him fuckin' go.
Slowbeef: Well, would you wanna fuck with eyebrows like that?
Dave_O: Let that be a tip to everyone in the thread. If you have really thick eyebrows, just go to Hong Kong and kill indiscriminantly.
Slowbeef: Totally.
Dave_O: And the police won't touch you. Especially if you're Sonny Chiba.
Slowbeef: Sonny Chiba plus eyebrows equals lawlessness. It's like diplomatic immunity.
Dave_O: And I'm not even kidding - I think he had prosthetic eyebrows.


Slowbeef: Here? Here? No. Crap.
Dave_O: "Please. Any of these trees, just let me in you."

[If you die...]

Slowbeef: I don't believe I survived all that and they started me at the beginning. Holy shit, are they kidding?
Dave_O: I don't even know what to say at this point.
Slowbeef: We've talked about like everything!
Dave_O: It's Golgo 13. That's all you have to say.
Slowbeef: Yeah, dot-dot-dot-dot.


Dave_O: There's gotta be a strategy.
Slowbeef: Okay, let's think about the strategy that can be involved in this.
Dave_O: Alright. Do you have anything sharp around you? Just jab it right into your eye.
Slowbeef: Mmm hmmm.
Dave_O: And you win. Ends the game. That's the secret ending. In Let's Plays, especially with you, usually the guests will just talk shit about how much you suck. But this game is so painful, I'm not even gonna do that to you.
Slowbeef: Thank you!
Dave_O: I can't do that to you. That'd be like seeing someone run over by a car and being like "Ha ha!"


Dave_O: Did you show me a clip from the anime, where he's fucking a girl and he just has no expression?
Slowbeef: I told you about it, but I couldn't find it online.
Dave_O: Oh, because I was disappointed in the movie, 'cause Sonny Chiba was fucking this girl and he looked like he was into it. Then he kills her, but....
Slowbeef: Like during? Like it's so good?
Dave_O: Like, she nakedly answers the phone and apparently, she was a spy, but he knew all along and just wanted to have sex with her. And then he just kills her. Pretty cold blooded. He shoots her in the ass.
Slowbeef: You're kidding me.
Dave_O: No.
Slowbeef: "Heh heh. In more ways than one, am I right? Eh? Eh?"


Dave_O: Watch where you step there, Golg-y. Gol-gay. Golgay Fagteen.



Dave_O: Those guys are new and missiley as hell. At least it's like a save point, you die, you start here.
Slowbeef: Dammit! How much health do these fuckers take?
Dave_O: A zillion. They're Predators. And you're Ahnold.
Slowbeef: Know what'd be great? If I could snipe them, like I was a fucking sniper.
Dave_O: It'd be great if Arnold Schwarzenegger played Golgo in a movie.


Press up between those two small trees in the background and:


Slowbeef: YES!
Dave_O: I have an erection.
Slowbeef: (not paying attention) I know.
Dave_O: You do?
Slowbeef: (laughs) Yes, I can just sense it.


Slowbeef: Which bitch is this?



Dave_O: Oh my God, you're gonna fuck in the rainforest.
Slowbeef: That's awesome.


Dave_O: Wait, who is this? Do we know her?
Slowbeef: No wait...
Dave_O: That's some red-ass hair.
Slowbeef: There's Cherry Grace, who we thought was the one guy's girlfriend. And this is the second one you have sex with and-



Dave_O: Drek? The Nazis killed her parents. Drek Leader A.K.A. Hitler.
Slowbeef: Okay, so she's the one who's the bad guy's girlfriend - the Drek leader.




Dave_O: What guys? Is she talking about the dudes in the rainforest?
Slowbeef: I don't know. And who's funding these Nazis?!
Dave_O: ....I dunno!




Slowbeef: Oh, please don't- Oh God. They will not give up on the Goddamned scuba scenes!


Dave_O: Hold on. She gave you scuba and you didn't even get to have sex?
Slowbeef: "I've prepared scuba gear and a spear gun for you. No sex, though."
Dave_O: Ugh. Maybe it was really quick.
Slowbeef: Well, it did refill my health apparently.
Dave_O: Yeah. You had sex. With that crocodile.


Slowbeef: And there's pirahna apparently.
Dave_O: Jesus Christ, fuck the Amazon river.



Dave_O: So this is basically the same as shit as before, just more annoying shit. And flashlight guys again.
Slowbeef: The only good news is.... there is none. Well, we're done with mazes, really.
Dave_O: The whole game is a maze.


Dave_O: So we've got the tourists that followed you from Greece, just trying to take pictures of you and you just keep murdering them.
Slowbeef: This time they're Spanish and because it's the Amazon and they're like: "La Golgo!"
Dave_O: "El Golgo Gigante!" ....I dunno how to say 'eyebrow.'
Slowbeef: Nobody does. "Las eyebrows grande!"
Dave_O: I would ask my girlfriend, but I'd be embarassed that I was asking her how to say 'eyebrow' in Spanish.
Slowbeef: "Why are you asking?" "Golgo 13, honey!"
Dave_O: "You watched it with me.... remember? The eyebrows?"





Slowbeef: Oh, this guy again.
Dave_O: "You've always turned the impossible into the possible, but I don't think you can stand this place any longer!"
Slowbeef: He's got a point.

End of Act 8.