"GODDAMN THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!"
"CARL! BE GENTLE!" Zero yelled as I twisted and turned the controller trying to get the piece of shit micro-plane working,"SHE'S MY BABY!"
"Yeah well your baby's retarded and you should have got an abortion!" I yelled back at him,"Goddamn this fucking thing, it got a mind off its own, it don't listen to what I'm telling it to do!"
"Garbage In, Garbage Out, Carl," Zero lectured,"You hav-"
"You calling me a garbage man!?!" I shouted at him.
"No no no, no no.... is that "street" for something?" he asked, trailing off,"No no, I just mean it requires finesses to control, you can't tell it to go left and down, you have to coax it."
"Why the fuck you make it like that?" I demanded as I sent the fucking thing up into the air, the mini-copter that Zero was controlling standing next to me following it with a camera attached, showing us where the plane was going.
"I didn't make it like that, the laws of physics did," he said, in that,'geez why don't you know this shit?' way he sometimes had that I hated,"You have to allow for wind resistance and think in three dimensions, this isn't an arcade game."
"I should be playing arcade games," I said grumpily as I tried to level the Baron out and saw it start to curve back down to the right,"This shit is ridic-"
"Gently, Carl, gently," Zero encouraged me,"Be smooth."
"Yeah yeah, smooth... gentle... like with a lady, right?" I said.
".... yes, I suppose it must be something like that," he said quietly, and I grinned, and then we both saw it at the same time,"There Carl! One of Berkley's lackeys!"
After I'd gotten him down from up on the hook in the closet and he'd walked around a bit trying to relax his ass, we'd gone up to the roof of my building along with the micro plane - he called it Baron - and micro-copter he'd grabbed from his apartment. He'd given me the controls for the Baron and explained how it operated, including a switch for a little (but powerful) gun he'd put on it. Moving it around on the roof had been easy, and taking off had been fine. He'd set up a monitor for us that the camera on his copter beamed video back to, explaining to me that Berkley had a bunch of little nerds that licked his ass and did whatever he told them. Zero ran a shop for his RC stuff, but Berkley did it all mail-order from his Mom's house, almost never leaving the house, sending his boys out to make deliveries by van or bike.
Only now we were going to put a stop to those deliveries.
"One down, four to go!" laughed Zero as the van exploded and all the packages inside it. Berkley's delivery boy lay on his back staring at what was left of his ride, trying to understand what the fuck had just happened, while I turned the Baron and rode it into the park,"Carl, take off, fly!"
"Hell no it handles alot better on the ground," I told him,"I'll jus-"
"No no no!" he shouted,"We'll never spot Berkley's lackeys from the ground, and besides you'll use up all the fuel!"
"I'll use all the fuel flying anyway!" I shouted back,"And you said you knew where Berkley's boys were going to be!"
"It uses less fuel in the air, Caaarl," he said, stretching out my name all weird,"And I have extrapolated the likely whereabouts of Berkley's flunkeys only, not exact locations."
"Ahhh, fuck," I complained, and lifted the Baron up off the ground again and into the air.... shit, maybe I'd have better luck now that I'd gotten the hang of-
"THERE CARL!" cried Zero all excited as I send it straight up into the air again, slapping my shoulder and causing the Baron to flip out like it was on PCP,"I SAW ONE! ATTACK!"
The delivery boy went tumbling off his bike as I blasted at the road on either side of him, packages going flying, crashing and breaking what was inside.
"Ha ha, only three delivery boys left!" laughed Zero,"CLIMB HIGH! CARL! FLY FLYYY!"
"...Carl," he said quietly,"That's... not flying...."
"Zero," I said back, just as quietly,"Your. plane. is. a. piece. of. shit."
"Are you questioning my talent for model aircraft design!?!" he demanded.
"No, I'm sure you a fucking genius, and that aviation engineers be all jacking off over it if they saw it...." I told him back,"But you've made something that maybe 5% of the people on this fucking planet could fly, and that only 1% would actually enjoy."
"I don't 'dumb down' for plebeians, Carl," he sniffed, offended.
"What the fuck this got to do with dykes?" I asked,"Damn Zero, you got pussy on the mind, man."
I went back to... not flying the plane, just delaying crashing it.
"Only two left now, Carl!" shouted Zero as his copter zoomed in on the flaming remains of the packages inside the van. He was getting excited now, getting his blood up,"HUNT THEM DOWN!"
"That's my nigga, Zero," I grinned,"We'll make you into a gangsta yet."
But he wasn't listening, all caught up in his drama queen fantasy nerd world. His hands were moving by themselves, making sure the copter was following the Baron's every move, while he ranted and raved and finally I realized he was making a speech - thinking of himself as a General rallying his troops or some shit like that.
The last delivery boy staggered to his feet while half the city away, Zero was dancing and laughing on the rooftop. Berkley's boy looked at the burning van, then looked over at the Baron and his eyes got wide.
"Zero?" he shouted,"Is that a Zero?"
"Oh hamburgers!" shouted Zero, rushing back to the monitor, zooming the helicopter camera in on the delivery boy,"That's Dennis! He's recognized my work, get out of there Carl, he can't get his hands on the Baron!"
"Who's Dennis?" I asked, even as I sent the Baron flying up, just seeing Dennis make a failed grab at it.
"A fan of myself and, sadly, Berkley," he told me,"He has a talent for building but not design, so he would pore over my and Berkley's creations for inspiration. I didn't realize he was working for Berkley, if he got his hand on the Baron and got it to Berkley, all this would be for naught.... Berkley runs a cut-price business with quality to match, if he could find a way to mass produce product based on my designs... I shudder to think of the consequences for the Competitive RC Market."
"Yeah, it's a sexy and exciting world, alright," I sighed, rolling my eyes,"So what I do?"
"Get the Baron back here, of course," he said, like it was the stupidest possible question,"And hurry, its fuel won't last forever... but don't hurry too much, take it slowly... but hurry!"
"Goddammit if I see another model plane again..." I grunted, and went back to concentrating on flying his horrible piece of shit,"Can't I just crash it and burn it?"
"No Carl, because A) Dennis could still discover numerous design concepts from the burnt remains, and B) because the Baron is my baby, I thought you understood this?"
"Ain't no RC plane built that can suck dick," I mumbled back,"Unless... you ain't made one tha.... nah, forget it."
"The smell," smiled Zero, walking over and picking up the Baron after landing his mini copter,"You know that ozone smell.... smells like.... VICTORY!"
"Zero," I told him as he stood hugging the little plane to his scrawny chest, almost crying he looked so happy,"We need to get you laid. Bad."
It was raining as I drove towards Katie's, pissing me off. I'd made a point of showering and getting into fresh clothes to look good for my lady, and now I was going to end up soaked and all the shit I went through getting ready was going to be for nothing.
I'd left Zero to "bunker down" after he told me Berkley wouldn't take the insult of having his delivery vans destroyed lightly, so Zero was going to "counter-strategize". Or in other words, two nerds were going to sit at home alone on a Friday night.
What a shocker.
"Fucking rain," I said as I pulled up outside of Katie's place, and saw her standing there in the rain, what the fuck? I got out of the car, the rain instantly drenching me, and walked towards her, her back still to me.
"Katie?" I asked.
"Oh Carl!" she jumped, turning around, plastered wet with raid,"I'm such an idiot I left my keys at the hospital and I didn't have time to go and pick them up without missing our date but I couldn't get to a phone to call you so I didn't know what to do so I just stood here an-"
All the time she was babbling, I was just staring at her, this tight-bodied little Asian lady standing in the rain, clothes drenched, titties all but naked in the rain, skin glistening, hair shining.....
"Heh.. I... wow," she said after we broke off.
"Come on, girl," I grinned at her,"If you had your keys I'd suggest getting you inside and out of those wet clothes.... oh yes.... but since you don't, let's get you in the car, dry you off.... we can pick up your keys from the hospital on the way home."
We got into the car and I turned the heater on, and pretty soon the windows were steaming up - not the way I'd like - as her wet clothes began drying.
"Oh God, I must be all sweaty and horrible," she laughed nervously,"I feel so stupid standing out in the rain like that."
I looked over at her, skin glistening with sweat now, mouth hanging half open, eyes half closed, splayed out in the seat legs slightly spread as steam lifted off of her body.
"Damn girl, you look even better like this than you did in the rain," I said, and she giggled and slapped at my shoulder, saying I was lying, but I could see she was pleased.
"So where you wanna go?" I asked her.
"I'm already sweaty," she said,"Let's go dancing."
Hell, I could live with that.
"Gaydar Station?" I asked, surprised when I saw the name of the club,"This a fag bar?"
"Carl, don't be a cliche," she laughed, getting out of the car - the rain had stopped now,"This is the most happening club in Fierro and it just happens to be a gay bar."
"I don't know," I said,"I know this is San Fierro and they all but fuck in the street but.... what if some dude comes on to me?"
"Caaarl," she teased,"What if some GIRL comes on to ME!"
"Let's get in there!" I shouted, grabbing her by the arm and rushing to the door as she giggled behind me.
We left laughing, and I'd been wrong, ain't no dude come up to me and make a pass, it was pretty clear I was there with Katie. Sad thing was, ain't no ladies come on to her either, maybe because they thought I'd get upset if they tried to get it on with her... shit, what'd they think I was, some kind of bigot?
We pulled in at the hospital and she told me she'd be right back, she just had to get the keys from her locker. I sat there waiting, looking around at the ambulances pulling in and out regularly, unloading people ranging from looking fine to looking fucked up beyond belief. Katie came back smiling, and I could see some nurses standing near the boys looking over in my direction and giggling and hiding they mouths behind hands to gossip with each other.... I had to grin, Katie was showing me off.
"All good?" I asked her as she got back into the car.
"All good," she said, then looked up at a brother with a bloody bandage wrapped around his head getting stretchered out the back of an ambulance,"Oh that poor man, he looks soooo hurt."
I'd almost forgotten about her weird reaction to this kind of shit, but she was leaning forward in her seat now watching him be stretchered away, biting her lower lip and kind of wiggling her ass about in the seat.
"Goddddd," she moaned,"He might die..."
"Them Paramedics must have a pretty shitty job, huh?" I asked, breaking the spell,"You ever go along on an ambulance ride?"
"Sometimes, yeah," she said, shaking her head clear and smiling over at me,"Nurses don't usually but I volunteer, to help out you know. Actually looking at that poor man, maybe I should volunteer for a run tomorrow, Saturday is normally their busiest night."
"I wouldn't mind coming along," I said,"Be interesting to see what they go through... be nice to spend some more time with you too."
"OH CARL!" she laughed, leaning over and planting a big wet one on the side of my face,"You are soooooooo getting laid tonight!"
Well..... shit yes!