Part 25: The Eight Chambers of Clobber
Right. This is truly the longest update I've yet done, so hunker down.
Update #24: The Eight Chambers of Clobber
Recall, please, that we were in the reception area of a rather stuck-up monastary. We were also discussing who got the experience from the "How to Be an Adventurer" tome.
...I'm just SAYING that I should have the privelege of reading it first, seeing as how I'm the fearless leader and all that rabble.
My ass you are. Hell, you've out and out told us before that you're only here on this trip because you're greedy.
Perhaps. I should think I used a bit more tact when I said it, though.
I don't even see why we're arguing here.
Urggzob ate a book once.
Whoa, dude. How'd that go for you?
Urggzob will just say that he had "writer's block" for three days.
Seriously, people. It's not even enchanted; we can all take turns.
Okay, who was supposed to be watching Pip? He was here just a second ago.
Hooray for words!
No, you fool!
Oops. Oh my. Oh my!
What just happened, Pip?
Funny story, actually.
I already don't like where this is going.
So I figured while you guys were yelling at each other I'd nip off and do a bit of reading, because books are fun. Anyway -- and here's where things get weird -- I finished the book, and learned a lot, and I was gonna mark some of the fun pictures for Urggzob, but I didn't have any ribbon.
Little man is thoughtful.
So I used one of my arrows instead. But I got the labels on my arrows mixed up, I guess, because I picked out a fire arrow.
This is going terrible places.
So the book bursts into flames right there in my hands, 'kay? But that's not the best part.
Very little of this qualifies as a best part, Pip.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with this flaming book, and I can't find any water, and Urggzob has all the wine so I can't use that to douse it.
Wine is not for dousing.
So I chucked it out the window as fast as I could. I think I killed a yeti. Or was it a monk? Maybe it was a yeti monk. But I'm fairly sure it's dead.
I hope we learned a lesson here, Pip.
Boy did I! It's a pity none of you could, though, because there was a TON of info in that book.
You know what? Hell with this. I'm going to go get things straighened out.
Naturally he's peaceful. It'd be too easy if we could just kill them all.
Urggzob likes killing them all.
...what the hell are you doing?
Urggzob is doing some small-scale pillaging.
You're looting a man's desk.
Give me those.
Curious, if entirely predictable. Follow me, Urggzob.
Urggzob wonders if there is small-scale rape to go along with his small-scale pillage...
No, that's a bad idea. These are monks; they can probably mangle you with their nethers.
Tee he he.
That was melodramatic in ways I've never seen before. Seriously, are they both failed dramatists? No matter. Time to get along.
So, we tell the guy who's in charge that he's in charge now.
Are we good to go?
Ooh ooh ooh! Do we get to do the eight chambers now? Those sound fun!
You've done quite enough for one day. Come on, woman; let's get this bloody charade over with so we can be on our miserable way.
You're really out there today, man.
I don't even know what that means.
Okay, Clobberella. We're all counting on you here.
Yeah yeah yeah. No weapons, no friends, all that crap.
Just like old times.
This is it? Pull the levers in the right order? Gods above, it doesn't take a monk to pull some stupid friggin' levers.
The hell--? Okay, so it's "pull the levers and then beat the crap out of some stone guys"? I fail to see what sort of trial this is.
Huh. This is some serious Urggzob-level bullshit here. Bet he'd love it, though, even if he were naked and without his axe the whole time.
...Goddammit, now I can't get the image of naked Urggzob fighting stone monks out of my mind. And it's not even remotely sexy. Anyhow, are we done?
Hey hey hey! Tell us all about it!
IT WASN'T SEXY!
By which I mean it was stupid and boring as hell. Pulled levers, punched guys.
Urggzob likes punch levers.
Yeah, that thought crossed my mind. Among others.
Watch out! We've seen some pretty weird shadows so far, who knows what these'll be like!
Yeah yeah. Shadows, chamber two, let's go.
...okay, these aren't even shadows. They're fucking green blobs. What am I supposed to do with them? Punch them? Walk into 'em? I'll try punching while I walk into one.
...did I just reappear on the other side of the room? Good gods above, this makes no damn sense. Lemme try that again.
That was fast.
Wait, I beat it? What the hell.
How were the shadows?
Green and confusing.
Well, you got through, at least. Only six more to go.
Hold me back.
Sounds straightforward, at least.
Urggzob has had plenty of experience stepping on panels and beating enemies.
Lord, we know that. It took you days to beat that stupid battle square.
Back in a few stupid minutes, I wager.
Yeah, miles of laughs right here.
So it's green crystal bitches who punch and throw lightning bolts? OH BOY, PARTY CENTRAL.
At least the lightning is easy to dodge. I mean, sure I've had more experience dodging Napalm's fireballs, but the principle carries over...
By this point I know better than to ask why a being made entirely out of crystal explodes into chunks of meat, but I sure can see why Urggzob loves this so much. It is kind of visceral.
I punched crystals and dodged lightning. That's it.
You sound rather bored with this whole thing, Clobberella.
More confused. Why the hell have these guys spent SO MUCH EFFORT on some silly little gauntlet? Hell, the monks back home were reclusive, but these guys take the cake.
Urggzob has taken many cakes.
Wait, we get cake?
People who burn books and crush dreams don't get any cake, Pip. Not even a slice.
Final attack? That's about on par with the ham-fisted drama this place has thrown at me so far. Let's get this over with.
And sawblades in the floor too. Does the carnival never stop here?
Sooo...when I hit them enough, a panel on the wall slides back, which reveals a button, which I push, making them explode. I guess that is kinda neat.
Woop! Two for two. I do kind of wonder what happens if I let them get to zero on that countdown, though...
...my god, these people are idiots.
Well, you're halfway through now.
Thrillsville. Hopefully they don't put me up against any more suicide golems, I just don't know if I could handle any more enemies that kill themselves for me.
Mmm, sand. Nasty business. Stays in your shoes for months.
You wanna do this? I'm fine with that if you do.
Ha ha, no. Scurry off, now; we're all getting kind of bored here.
Urggzob wants to crush. Badly.
I think that should be "Urggzob wants badly to crush," so you don't attribute the low quality to the crushing itself.
Urggzob is fond of many things, but grammar is not one of them.
Time to kick some sandy ass. I suppose.
Okay then, sand monks. Makes sense. What do the levers do...?
Oh, that works. But wouldn't hitting them with fire just turn them into glass golems?
No, of course not. Nothing here makes sense, even the sensible things. Running circles is getting a bit tedious, though.
Look at me, I beat the sand. I am the master of the desert, or some crap like that.
How was it?
Sandy. Jesus, man, use some imagination.
I get nightmares each time I do that.
Fun, spiders. Wanna do this one, Pip?
Ew ew ew ew! No!
Urggzob would not mind it.
I was kiddng. Back in a spider-smashing jiffy.
Oh, phew. Here I thought they'd be giant spiders. Not that these are tiny, by any means, they're just not...man-sized. Oh well, stompy stomp stomp.
This is a ton of fuggin' spiders. I'm getting goo all over my boots. And my miniskirt.
Come to think of it, a miniskirt is just a terrible damn idea. Why the hell is it monastary uniform?
Hell, I was the only woman at the monastary that whole time. Bunch of dirty old men, seriously...NOOOOO, Can't have PANTS. Them's MAN'S clothes! Well, soon as I get back I'm making some changes.
...wait, it's over? Huh.
How'd it go?
Surprisingly cathartic. I do need a bath now, though.
Welcome to my hell.
Can Urggzob do this one?
Hah, no. Ancient monk laws, or some crap like that.
Okay, this is an easy one.
Kill the guy on the button, pull the lever. Easy as pie.
What? Is he--
...damn damn damn. I GET THE FUCKING POINT, CHAMBER.
Freakin' THERE. One stupid stupid chamber left.
That was dumb and I want to finish.
Only one left, at least.
Yeah yeah yeah.
Mmm, sounds like my kind of chamber.
I bet. You want to take care of it?
Oh, were that I could. Ancient monk laws, and all that.
So far true to form. If I have to fight guys made out of pure fire, though, there's going to be words.
Okay, brass I can cope with. And geysers of flame? Please, I've been learning how to avoid those for months now.
Yeah yeah yeah. Nothing Napalm hasn't been trying to accidently kill me with before.
Not that I can fucking SEE anything with all the flames, but I don't really need to see to destroy. It's the last chamber, Clobberella, you can do this.
You have surprisingly few burn marks on you.
Yeah, it proved to be a surprisingly familiar trial.
Yay for you! We can keep going now!
Into more bloody caves, of course. My favorite thing in the world, caves.
I thought YOU were your favorite thing in the world.
I was being sarcastic, man. Get on the boat!
Wait, a boat? Where?
So we're honorary monks, then? Interesting.
Urggzob is ten honorary monks.
Hush, you didn't do anything.
And so, we head downstairs. This is the tomb they were so intent on not letting us get through.
..those golems look really mean.
Leave them be. They're probably there just to guard the tomb from desecration, so we don't need to agitate them.
Finally! Urggzob gets to DO something, hay-arrr!
Man...where'd Clobberella go?
...that was an astonishingly bad idea. Let's go.
Clobby, why did you do that? Ransack the tomb, I mean.
Ehh, they wasted enough of my time, I figured I'd get a more tangible reward than "THANKS BYE".
Good girl, you're learning.
Ooh, a pretty camp. I like the tents.
Yeah, but be careful. Treacherous folk, Drow.
Just then, this guy attacks us with a WALL OF TEXT.
Is he done?
Dark man used a lot of words.
Thank god, that was interminable. I hope you wrote that all down, Pip.
Good, I don't have to worry about it then.
Clobberella, can I see what you got out of that tomb real quick?
...what does that even have to do with a monk? Seriously.
Maybe it was his favorite ball and chain.
I like ba--
HEY LET'S GO KILL SOME DRIDERS NOW.
So there you go. I'll have another update next weekend, plus...
The bonus I vaguely alluded to. I'll be doing one for each of the characters, so look for another one next week.