Part 22: Dantooine - In Praise of Kinrath Assjuice
My best chapter title yet I think. We’ll start off with a little party interaction back at the Ebon Hawk.
I think someone asked earlier about why Atton hates droids so much.
“Dee-deeet.”
“Deee-reet?”
“Dee-deeet.”Well, this is as far as he gets to explaining his droid phobia. You know how most people are either dog people or cat people?
Well, Atton is neither. He hates puppies and kittens and droids equally. He basically just needs a big hug and some therapy.
Big meanie.
There was a series of deleted scenes on the Ebon Hawk involving Atton and T3 playing Pazaak. I have no idea why they were cut because they were hilarious. The joke was that it totally mocked KOTOR 1’s unfair rules for playing Pazaak, where the game made you go first every round (and thus in all likelihood made you go bust first as well).
“Dee-reet?”
“For the last time, no.” “Dee-reet-reet?” “Because, you're programmed to force your opponent to go first, and nothing will convince me the computer doesn't cheat.” “Deet-veee-deet, dee-deet. Dee-reet?” “Even if I didn't have to go first and somehow I didn't suspect you of counting cards, I still wouldn't play with a trash compactor.” “Dwoooooooo.”…
“Dee-dee-deet. Dweeet?” *Suddenly interested, turns around* “Yeah? How many credits?”---------------------------------------
In the next one, HK-47 is watching them play, and even he starts getting suspicious of T3.
“Dee-deet-deet.” “What do you mean, pazaak? What, again?” “This is ronto scrag. What house rule says I have to go first?” “Deet!” “Yeah, well, I'm still not convinced you aren't cheating.”
“Warning: If you draw another +/- 1 card, I will enact assassination protocols.”---------------------------------------
Finally, the Exile wants to get in on the action, and Atton continues losing.
“This droid is cleaning me out.”
“What are you playing?” “Pazaak. Well, I'm playing, it's cheating.” “Dee-deet, deet!” “Whatever, cheater.” “Dwoooooo.” “Deal me in.” “Sure, but I don't have any more credits to bet, so it's Republic Senate rules.” “Republic Senate rules?” “That's where we waste a lot of time trading cards and trying to win, but ultimately our decisions are of no consequence. It's like stalemate, except the goal is to pass the time until the audience gets bored and leaves.”
Mira is like the only one who’s actually appreciative of her Jedi training. Talk to Atton or whatever after turning him into a Jedi and he doesn’t even have anything new to say. No "Hey I use to kill Jedi, now I am one, ain't that weird?"
Now it’s finally time to head to the Kinrath caves to look for Master Vrook.
We find this old guy hiding in the hills above the cave.
“What are you doing out here?”
“A couple weeks back there was an accident here. One of the Western Fringe farmers was coming to Khoonda on his swoop with a load of atmospheric sensors.”
“Do you suspect foul play?” “I do. The Kinrath are dangerous, but as long as you stay on your swoop bike there's no way they should catch you. I've carefully searched this area and haven't found anything. So maybe our man just got sloppy. We really need those atmospheric sensors.”
Well, this is the entrance to the Kinrath cave.
And lo and behold, the atmospheric sensors are like 3 steps into the cave. If the guy had just bothered to walk a little he might have found them himself.
Make sense that Bao-Dur knows a lot about this stuff, since he was designing the planetary shields back on Telos. This is one of the few times where Bao-Dur is in his element, outside the Ebon Hawk.
Wonder what he was doing with the spy equipment?
“If I may. I find it curious that you are looking so carefully for atmospheric sensors. But Dantooine is too placid and temperate to need them for anything except seasonal data collection.” “Ehhh, it's important we get it back. It's expensive equipment and we can't afford to replace 'em.” “I see. They aren't that expensive.” “Actually, I've found three of them.” “That's great news. My offer still stands - I'll pay you 3000 credits for all of them.”
“It is worth more to us than that. I'll pay you 4000 credits for the lot of them.” “Not so fast - we found a little surprise inside them.” “I was afraid of that. So how do we do this, then?”
“We were picking up off-world transmissions between the mercenaries and... someone, we don't know who. We know that the mercs are up to something, we just don't know what. We set those atmospheric sensors up to gather information.”
Goto… that’s not a woman. He’s got a beard and everything.
Having an Exchange crimelord with us pays off.
We enter the caves again and notice this guy hanging out with the local wildlife population.
From here on out the comedy potential starts to pick up.
It’s kinda weird, but there’s a lot of funny lines that you can choose on the back half of Dantooine, so watch for those.
The caves are filled with Kinrath, which are these 4-legged… spidery things. Like an owl crossed with a mantis. They hit really goddamn hard too.
We catch up with the mercenary.
“Maybe you shouldn't be so jumpy.”
“Maybe you shouldn't be so rude. What are you doing here? If you're not careful, the kinrath here will eat you for breakfast.”
Just totally out of left field.
“I'm a rock collector. This cave's strata and crystal formations are absolutely fascinating.” [Awareness] “You are different from most of the mercenaries I've met.” “And? Can't a mercenary have a hobby, something to wile away the idle hours between the carnage, blood, and ichor? Or does that not fit neatly into your prejudiced little definition of 'mercenary'? I am an explorer and a scientist. My profession as a mercenary enables me to travel the galaxy and explore caves on many planets.” “You mentioned crystals?” “Yes, the crystals in this cave are unlike any I have seen. Some are warm to the touch, while others are freezing. They seem to draw and contain energy of some sort.”
Oh for fuck’s sakes, Jesus. Stop trying to turn everyone in the galaxy into a Jedi.
“I wouldn't speak of the Force if I were you. Most of my mercenary brethren would assume you were a Jedi and try to collect a bounty on you.”
“That's a trade secret I'm afraid I can't share.”
[Success] “I will tell you my trade secret.”
“Carrying the kinrath scent gland allows me, and the other mercenaries, to avoid notice by the local Kinrath population.”
So… you basically hold some Kinrath assjuice, and they won’t attack you.
Oh yeah, I'll tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I'll say that something
I wanna hold your gland
I wanna hold your gland
I wanna hold your gland
A KOTOR 2 broadway musical would be amazing.
The VA for Kreia is already a stage actress. We could have Hugh Jackman as Jedi Jesus, Nathan Lane could cameo as an overweight Master Kavar, and they could all sing a cabaret number about echoes in the Force.
"Here you go."We could keep it and let the Kinrath kill him, but we’ll just give the gland back. We don’t need it anyway; killing all the Kinrath is worth much more XP.
Ah, the crystal cave. Revan made a trip here in KOTOR 1 to get some crystals for her lightsaber. In fact, she nabbed most of them, so there aren’t too many left.
The disembodied voice of Kreia comes out of nowhere.
Yes yes, we know. Echoes.
“Force Sensitive locations such as this absorb and reflect Force energy. The crystals are the catalyst here. I sense that Revan once passed through here, leaving a strong impression behind in the crystals. Perhaps future Jedi who visit this cave will feel our presence, as if seeing our footprints preserved in the soil.”
I totally forgot about this part when I was on Nar Shaddaa, and came up with the bullshit about chaos theory and butterfly wings on my own. Now I feel like an idiot because she just says it outright here. Except instead of a butterfly, it's a mynock, and instead of a hurricane it's a sandstorm. :eyeroll:
“You said the crystals absorb the Force? I feel strange, but not weaker.” “The crystals here do not drain Force energy from Jedi. They collect the excess energy that radiates from those attuned to the Force.”
Unfortunately a nest of Kinrath have made their den here. There’s like 7 normal ones and a Kinrath queen that rush you.
What happened to Jesus's feet? It's like he went on a Kentucky Six Flags ride or something.
With the Kinrath dead, we’re free to pilfer the crystals.
There’s also a special crystal in the center with your name on it.
God, what a stupid name I picked. I’m starting to regret a lot of things.
“You scoff at this gift, but many Jedi would greatly covet such a treasure.” “Then others may try to steal the crystal from me?” “No. The crystal has bonded to you. Another Jedi would have little use for it. The crystal's bond with you is such that the stronger you become in the Force, the more powerful your crystal will grow.” “Is the bond... dangerous?”The last thing Jesus needs is to have another Force Bond. It's bad enough being bonded to Kreia, but we have to draw the line at bonds to inanimated objects.
Incidentally the crystal we picked is the best lightsaber crystal in the game. It gives a bunch of different stats and bonuses depending on what alignment you are, and it will level up with you as you go, becoming more even more powerful. Sadly, if we stick it in Jesus's gun it doesn't quite work.
We press on in the cave and find this mercenary camp.
Finally, we find Vrook. Just where he belongs.
“I'm going to say this nice and simple for your little kath herding head - unless you want to wind up dead, leave now.” “You know, your cage won't hold him. He's an elite Jedi Master.” “He's a what? It doesn't matter if he's a master. That forcecage will hold him.” “So certain are you? Enjoy the consequences.” “There's no way someone can break out of a forcecage. Even a gondark couldn't break out of that.”
Oops. That didn’t work.
At first when I started this LP I wasn’t going to give lightsabers to anybody. But the game wore on and the screenshots tended to be really dark. I figured handing out lightsabers would spice the screenies up a little. And they do a good job of brightening the combat and adding more colour variety, so it’s worked out well.
And yes, I admit they do look cool.
Lucas pretty stumbled onto this whole lightsaber thing in the 70’s and it’s made him millions. Fuck the other stuff in the movies; the spaceships, the Force, and the plot and all that shit. Kids just wanted to play with lightsabers, period. You can tell Lucas knows it too, judging from the lightsaber orgy that is the prequels.
Well, at least a small thanks for rescuing your ass. A gift basket would have been nice too.
Master Vrook is of course voiced by the imitable Ed Asner.
If you’re saying, “Who's that?”, then you’re probably under the age of 40. He was on Mary Tyler Moore Show and Lou Grant in the 80’s, and he’s won like a billion Emmy’s. And to top it off, he even looks like Vrook.
“How were you going to help in a cage?”
“Do you honestly believe six mercenaries could keep a Jedi master hostage? You still have no faith in the Jedi Council. When an opponent believes that you are defeated, they no longer consider you a threat - and they relax their guard, become bold. After I was captured, they talked freely of their plans, enough for me to learn their intentions.” “Right now Dantooine is at a critical moment. If Khoonda falls, then the Republic may lose control of this system. Every action has consequences, no matter how small or insignificant they seem - and even the smallest choice has the potential for harm.” “The Mandalorian Wars was proof of this. Intentions mean nothing if a greater tragedy is caused.”You can see the reasoning behind his perspective, and it makes a bit of sense.
But what if – what if Revan started the Jedi Civil War itself to prevent an even greater tragedy? That’s what Kreia hints at, but Vrook, like the rest of the Jedi Council, fails to see the forest for the trees. In the cosmic sense, of course.
Yes, very convenient. And instead of trying to figure out why, they decided to banish the Exile and ignore the problem.
“So you still think I'm a Sith?” “You were always difficult to read, as a Padawan and again at your trial - and perhaps more so now that we are here on Dantooine.” “By the time the Council acted the Republic would have been torn apart.” “Disobeying the Jedi Council brought about more destruction than the Mandalorian Wars ever could - countless Jedi lost, the Republic broken, the...”
Okay, enough of this, it’s time to decide what to do with him.
Kill him? Or let him go?
…
You know what, fuck it. I already know you guys are going to vote to let him go (even though he’s such a monumental dick!
), so there’s no point! Instead, we’ll do the vote next update to figure out the fate of Khoonda (which is independent of what we do here), since that might be a closer vote. I’ll do the alternate parallel universe video where Jedi Jesus can freely take a blaster and end Vrook's belligerent ass.