Part 4: Wherein Malcolm Gets Hopelessly LostChapter 3: Wherein Malcolm Gets Hopelessly Lost
(Music: Mysterious Jungle)
Through the aid of Brandywine the dragon, Malcolm escaped Kyrandia to the Isle of Cats, an exotic location hitherto unheard of in Kyrandia lore.
Hey, I lost my disguise! Oh well. I won't need it over here.
Gunther looks different now. He'll be wearing the safari getup for the entirety of the Isle of Cats.
Now, time to plot my revenge on those fools!
Oddly enough, for a place called the Isle of Cats, it doesn't seem to have too many cats. There's one on the left there, but it doesn't seem very happy, and the place is called the "Dog Fort". What's going on here?
Pleased to meet you, Malcolm. I'm Duke.
Where's all the cats?
Where you have you been? We took over the island years ago.
We wanted their sesame export business. What could be easier than harvesting wild sesame?
So this is where all that sesame came from.
Not that I know a whole lot about this place, but it sounds like there's been a regime shift during the intervening years since Malcolm's petrification. Oh well, all the same to us, really. We're here to find the tools of revenge, not to meddle in local politics.
We can go left or right, so let's go left!
Looks like the natives don't like you, Tarzan!
Ew, gross. The snakes make kissy noises while this happens, by the way. I can't tell if those are supposed to be lipstick smears or something nastier, but we're dead either way. I didn't do anything other than leave the room, by the way. The jungle is too dangerous to traverse unaided.
At the back of the fort is a machete just lying on the ground. With this in hand, we can brave the jungle.
Just having the machete is enough to not get instantly murderkissed by snakes, but... we can't leave this location. We can't even go back where we came - Malcolm appeared in the middle of the screen, but we can go neither north, south, east or west.
To get anywhere in the jungle, we first have to cut down all the plants blocking the way by using the machete on them. There are usually 3-4 on any given screen. If you think that sounds tedious and boring, you're right.
Oh, shit, there was a pile of snakes under the bush!
Occasionally, cutting down a bush reveals a snake nest. When that happens, you have about two seconds to use the machete on the pile of snakes, or you're dead. Click on anything else, and you're also dead. Does this place sound fun yet?
Cutting down enough plants will eventually open an exit to some direction. We went left from the Dog Fort to get here, so let's try going back there by heading right.
Hey, guess what? The jungle is a giant goddamn labyrinth of near-identical rooms that don't connect sensibly to each other. Going back the way you think you came from rarely if ever returns you to that screen. I thought we were done with this shit after the first game, but the labyrinth section makes its triumphant return here, and it's twice as bad and it's brought friends that will kill you if you stop paying attention for a second.
I hate the jungle.
It's pointless and tedious and all the screens look the same. It will have you walking in circles forever. This place sucks. It is ostensibly possible to map the place out, but I have no intention of doing so.
Eventually, I manage to make it back to the Dog Fort without seeing another non-jungle location. This is not a reasonable mode of transport. What about that dog with the cart? He could help us out, maybe.
Hey! Stay away!
Let's try asking nicely.
Hey, mind if I hitch a ride?
I don't know if I think there was a huge difference in phrasing there, but I'll take it. The dog will let us ride in his cart now.
On the way there, we're treated to a very 90s clip of the camera moving through the jungle. Unfortunately, it's too big to GIF up. I'm pretty sure it's the same scene as the actual jungle locations anyhow.
(Music: North Beach)
Eventually, we end up on a sunny beach, a fresh pile of Hitchhiking Points in our pocket. Looks like we've got some salty dogs hanging out here, too. Perhaps a band of bloodthirsty pirates is exactly the thing we need to get our revenge?
Is your boat for rent?
Of course that's their names. This game does like its wordplay and strange references.
I suppose that's the fellow in red up there. All the pirates spreak in stereotypical French accents, by the way.
You fellows wouldn't be available for hire, would you? I could use a boat like yours for my attack on Kyrandia.
I am Jean Claude Barbecue, master of the Seven seas, at your service.
Wonderful. Sounds like we can come to an agreement here.
Well, not yet, exactly, but...
Kyrandia is not a good place to attack without magic!
Come on. Let's just go, and we'll get some magic when we get there.
We have a purpose now. We need to hire these pirates to invade Kyrandia for us, but Captain Barbecue here is reticent to give it a shot without some magic to back him up. I can see why - Kyrandia's security force seems nearly nonexistent, but those mystics have shown themselves to be worryingly effective.
The only question is, where can we find some magic? The only exit from this place leads back into the godforsaken jungle, so let's hitch another ride on the sesame cart and see what else is on this island.
Next stop is this place: The Altar of Cats. That looks kind of promising. Vaguely mystic.
We'll have to keep our eyes open for something suitable. We can go east or west from here. East is just more stupid jungle, but west is something new.
The Colossus Ruins, huh? Looks like a big mouse statue sitting on a wheel of cheese on the right there, but what are those balls?
I hear you. South is back to the altar. East is...
... the other half of the ruins. Well, there's certainly something magical about this place, but there's nothing more we can do here right now.
The cart cat wants something.
Uh-oh. This sounds like something we have to do to progress the plot, and it sounds like we have to go through the goddamn jungle to do it. Well, nuts to that. We'll do that next time.