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Episode XXVI: S.T.A.R.S. Pest Control
Welcome back. When last we left our hero, he’d arrived at the Umbrella Antarctic Base in search of his missing sister, Claire. Also, Alfie’s dead ass fell out of a glorified refrigerator. With that said, let’s shake a leg…
Sadly, no. There is no Alfred zombie. Sure, everyone and their grandmother turned into a zombie due to – bad stuff. But shove a guy in a tank incubating a super virus filled piece of meat and no dice. This fucking game. 
Remember that note in Alfie’s diary about the jewel pieces to open the secret passage or some other such rot?
Yeah, Chris has no earthly idea who this prick is, but is just going to go right ahead and steal his jewelry. He’s got to keep in supply with that hair gel somehow.
In this same room is yet another of those wondrous top secret files for viewing. A third of Umbrella’s expenses go to stationary.
Virus Research Report
So…sticking a virus in one end of the organism and taking it out the other end produces a whole new virus? And I thought that was just diarrhea…
“As it stands, I have roughly fifteen minutes to get on the ball with that. But, more than enough time to write my mundane findings.”
“To make no mention the revival of disco will be at hand to herald my glorious return.”
Shooting up herself with some highly experimental mutagen is on the level. Trusting Alfie to take care of things while she’s gone? Now there is a gamble.
“…in Antarctica at least. Ice Queen Alexia -- Empress of the Penguins. It has a nice ring to it.”
Yes, folks. We’ve stepped up from amoral corporation with illegal practices that got out of hand, to ridiculously evil corporation with private armies and death camp islands, to Antarctic Secret Base megalomaniac. All in the course of two games.
Chris tucks away the report, shaking his head at the silliness of this whole set-up and heads back to the opposite side of the big ant turd room.
It is decidedly dark in here.
There we go. There is yet another file on the table. I play games to play them not to read and watch someone else play them! 
Research Report of Queen Ant
“The ant hailed from the beautiful Notspain countryside just a distance past Ecivedtolp Hill.”
Oh, Alexia...
Extremely fragile and completely destroyed by a single fuck-up or one determined individual?
“It seemed reasonable at the time to dress him up in a dress and bind him in the basement. Then I took this antique battle axe I had and went 'and you have my axe!' and pinned him to the wall with it. I don’t think Alfie got it. Moron. I’ll admit I was impressed with my ten year old self for that feat."
Oh, those kids back then and their global domination schemes by means of horrific viral contamination.
Chris crumples the note up and shoves it in his back pocket next to some Altoids and some Marlboro Reds.
By the way, that Queen Ant was a big girl.
Alright, now to get to the last of these damned valve hijinks. Chris combines the square end with the octo-Valve, ending up where Claire began.
He takes a somewhat lengthy journey with three elevator rides in the equation to come to the needed location.
From this angle, that looks decidedly less like blood and decidedly more like Hunters not using the litterbox.
So, there was the crane key. Tossed into the bottom of an industrial sized fish tank. Makes sense.
Obligatory post key-item jump scare. Chris was caught utterly unaware of the bright purple monstrosity barreling towards the clear glass next to him.
Chris defeats the monster and heads back toward that crane. There’s bound to be something good. There wouldn’t be demands from the key item gods otherwise.
It’s kind of sad this is still today what smashing ice effects look like.
If you’ll notice that flash to the good sir’s side falling. That’s important. Remember, the needed jewels to open…whatever it was. It’s not important. They will open something, dammit!
Well, that will be two down, at least…
The third may be a bit difficult to obtain…
“Wait… Spider and fly analogy? I thought your deal was ants.”
“I’m setting up a boss battle, don’t interrupt!”
“Oh, sorry.”
“It’s very rude.”
“I said I was sorry.”
The current villainous laughter level has just reached Defcom Saturday Morning!
I’m surprised the first person spider genre never took off.
The spider leaps onto the crane compartment and begins humping the shit out of it.
I’m sure he’s supposed to be struggling to crush it. But, I see nothing but giant spider humping.
Needless to say, it’s less than pleasant. 
Forget what I said about the old hairy Resident Evil spiders being scarier. FUCK this thing!
Though, I’ve really got to question how it’s been beneath the freezing water for at least a few hours without dying. The Itsy-Bitsy spider got its shit ruined by water. What? T-Virus spider thinks he’s better than the nursery rhyme one? Prick.
Oh gawd. That’s just unpleasant. Like, riding a subway, looking in the back, and seeing a hobo jerking off in the corner unpleasant.
Those aren’t gibs. Those are hundreds of baby spiders!
Alright, that is quite enough of this!
Chris reaches into the inventory stashed beneath the sink.
The day is saved!
Topher rounds the other end of the area and claims the second jewel in the set. Now, there’s absolutely no way to know this monstrosity on the hook is related to the corpse earlier or the crazy British chick just before. He’s just flat out stealing shit at this point…
Speaking of which, how did old Alex Ashford get down there in the first place? Did Alexia wake up, go get her Victorian style outfit from Alfie’s jet or wherever. Then trek outside in the subzero Antarctic temperatures, drag his body back in, wade the freezing slowly flooding main area, lower the crane, hoist his corpse onto the hook, then wait for it to freeze over with him beneath the surface.
Following that, she went around singing and laughing on assorted monitors linked to her brother’s base before hiding outside the door to this area, waiting for something to unearth her frozen pappy so she could spring out and taunt them while possibly sicking her giant spider pet on their unsuspecting ass?
Did I get all that? If so, I do believe Alexia Ashford qualifies for the single most bored villain in the land. They need to get her a cable TV connection out here, stat!
Right then, all areas on the surface are covered thus far. But, if you’ll remember, Chris skipped on hallway last time in lieu of restoring the power.
It leads to some rather unusually…
…scratch that. Downright creepy architecture for a secret underground Antarctic base.
There’s another two of these things in the area. One on the fountain just before and right where Chris was kneeling. Bringing the total to 2 3. He just left the other one in the item box. 
OK, let’s see what’s behind those double doors.
What…the…fuck…
What the fuck, indeed. The heck is going on here? Is the game going to suddenly loop around and collapse into a backtracking singularity and Chris will end up replaying Resident Evil 1? Find out this and more by turning in next time to Episode XXVII: The Melancholy of Claire Redfield.
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