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Episode XXVII: The Melancholy of Claire Redfield.
Welcome back. When last we left our hero, he was having a wild ‘80s flashback! With that said, let’s begin…
I dare say this place looks a bit familiar.
Though, frankly, the place is looking a bit Spartan compared to when I last saw it.
Especially the lack of a dining room!
The way back to that other familiar room is locked with a Biohazard Resident Evil key.
Chris heads up the main staircase.
Three weird holes open.
They are at the boy’s finger,
the man’s ear and
the girl’s bosom.
Well, this must be that secret door that file was talking about.
Chris can remove the ring from Alfred and Nosferatu’s earring to get two jewels and stick them in their respective holes.
Only one door is found at the top of the stairway and it’s locked. There are no other doors. The Ashfords got a raw deal with their evil mansion. Though, I guess this is the best you can expect when construction is done underground…in Antarctica…
Well, maybe the back of the staircase has some crazy secrets like Lisa Trevor’s penguin cousin or something awesome like that.
Why couldn’t there be zombie penguins? Certainly better than those fucking electric salamanders with asses for faces…
The horrors of unprotected sex.
Chris, who happens to be equipped with the knife, as that’s just how the Redfields roll, cuts Claire loose from the Nickelodeon slime.
I’m not even going to ask why Alexia went out and pulled Claire from that burning wreckage, dragged her all the way deep underground to the mansion replica, and then came to the conclusion that not a killing her or sticking her in a jail cell would be appropriate; but sliming her to the back of a staircase like you’d discard a piece of old gum.
Alexia Ashford: World’s Most Bored Villain.
You could probably thwart her whole operation by just hooking her up with a Playstation.
Several minutes later…
Chris makes no attempt to awaken his unconscious sister, instead opting to carry her nearby, prop her up, and proceed to stare at her intently while breathing heavily inches from her face.
“Why do you always watch me sleep? I’m nineteen, cut it out! It’s getting friggin’ creepy.”
“Yes, sir!”
“It might be helpful if YOU, the master of unlocking, take it with you.”
“Hope this isn’t Chris’ blood…”
“There are terrible demons… Ouch!”
“He’s sleeping with the ultimate FAILURE.”
“Jill Sandwich…
Jill Sandwich…
Jill Sandwich…”
“Horrible flashbacks… We need to get out of here now!
What?! No. He died! Shut your goddamn mouth!
“Did he touch you? Did he take something from you?!” *checks magazine*
“Where is this…Steve…?”
That’s called dying. Now, you two don’t need to worry about it.
You deduced that while being unconscious and encased in slime?
Claire begins to collapse.
This only happens if you get poisoned in the Nosferatu battle. Which is very easy to do when you decide to knife the shit out of him.
Even if Chris didn’t read that earlier file, he magically hones in on the precise location of the serum to save Claire. Not that there’s much any urgency behind this. She just passes out and takes it easy in the hall here for the duration.
Well then, that location on the map was where Chris got the magnum earlier.
Since, you know, they really had to bleed that extra five minutes of gameplay out of this rock.
Chris runs all the way back to the reused set-piece.
Chris gives her the serum…somehow. It’s just an IV bag, what’s he using to administer it? A Capri Sun straw?
“You know, except for the last six months when I was nearly killed by zombies, giant trenchcoat clad mutants, horrible abominations of all shapes and sizes, a rapist sociopath police chief, an exploding laboratory, an exploding train, dozens of heavily armed soldiers, an attack chopper, an evil corporation death camp, more zombies, more horrifice mutants, a crossdressing sociopath, another huge explosion, a plane crash, freezing to death, more zombies, more mutants, a snowmobile crash, and the whims of a crazed viral filled shebitch while looking for you. But, other than that, you’ve been just fucking swell, bro.”
Just then!
You’d think she was just trying to be menacing. Nah. She’s always like this. A broom falls out of a closet? Evil cackle. A man slightly looses his footing on a slick floor? Evil cackle. A guy looks at her and raises his eyebrow slightly? Evil cackle.
Yes, Claire. Read the script.
Is this what we’re down to? Flinging fucking insults on genetics. Salazar… Salazar come back!
Alexia wanders off, cackling to herself like that witch in Troll 2.
I’m pretty sure you both had guns and I’m fairly certain she’s the only viable threat in this iceberg. Couldn’t you have just opened fire and taken her down then worried about Captain Emo?
The pair take chase and are thrown into a prerendered scene. This doesn’t bode well.
One of those never remotely explained tentacle things smashes through the wall.
The creature goes to work doing mild collateral damage. I don’t think the homeowner’s insurance is going to cover that.
Satisfied with mildly inconveniencing the siblings, it takes off back through its hole.
Back to a slightly less ugly reality.
No! Chris with a career ending knee injury! Just before the play-offs! Oh, cruel fate.
Steve’s mating call echos the halls. Sort of an effeminate nasally shriek, for reference.
“We just need to have a cutscene transition back here and I’ll heal up, no problem.”
Chris just wants her to finally shack up with someone so he’ll be free to chase around jailbait without being harassed by her clingy ass.
Claire considers a moment before running off after Alexia. Do any of these villains ever consider just locking the door behind them?
Control shifts back to Claire once more. Now, why the fuck are there mini-palm trees in Antarctica?
She’ll still have her weapons from earlier, minus the rifle, which Alexia is shouldering for no particular reason. What ever is left from the Nosferatu battle should be sufficient for this next section, as there is very little combat to be done. Also…
ANYTHING BE IT WEAPON, AMMO, OR ITEM ON CLAIRE WILL BE LOST FOREVER AFTER THIS SECTION
She cannot take any key items, so there’s no way to totally fuck yourself aside from taking all the good weapons like a moron. On a related note, she can unlock that locked case from earlier Chris obtained. Some BOW bowgun powder, I believe.
Oh yeah, there’s another one of those shotgun racks here on which Claire can place said shotgun.
It would reveal a duo of acid and flame rounds for the grenade launcher. But Chris doesn’t give up his boomstick easily and will have to wait on that.
Claire enters the next hallway, which looks a bit familiar…
No Cerberuses smashing through windows. Just vein ridden tentacles smashing through paintings. It’s like Bizarro Resident Evil 1.
The door at the end is locked, not important.
There’s two of these things and they’re the only thing Claire has to deal with aside form a lone zombie. They’re unavoidable and very hard to knife without getting damaged when they flail about, so a firearm is recommended.
Claire enters the next area to a much more logical place to have imprisoned her. You know…a prison cell. Pfft. It’s like how zombie movies all assume everyone in them has never seen a zombie movie. Everyone in Resident Evil is a stranger to the word ‘logic’.
Another door immediately to Claire’s right leads to a bleak little room fenced off by steel bars and a panel demanding a keycard. Since this section is Claire’s send-off, she’s of course going to need the silliest key item collection gimmick in the entire game to pass this.
Claire heads back out to the prison area.
Folks, I do believe we’re approaching endgame here.
Claire heads to the slightly raised area behind her. Here, she finds the game’s penultimate file tucked beneath a cannon.
Security File
*rubs forehead* This fucking game…
So if the ultimate whatsit of the Ashford family is in danger to the point that nuking the place is the only option, one could assume the place in question is already under siege by another force. So, we’re expediting their escape with this grand secret?
A code, huh… Hmm.
Claire slips that into her back pocket.
Claire is given the option of moving the cannon. And why not? A sphere rolls out from within it.
Also, a giant crushing thingamajig falls from the ceiling. And you thought Salazar started the silly traps trend? Pfft.
There’s about a second and a half lag between stepping under the slab and it crushing Claire.
The results in the latter are less than pleasant.
Claire skillfully evades the crushing block by swiftly running under it. Not, ya know, just climbing over the cannon to avoid it altogether.
Oh…you’ve got to be shitting me. You know, I can’t even begin to explain this. I’m taking a smoke break until this puzzle is over.
That was fucking retarded.
Claire heads back that earlier panel.
The door locks behind her. Once more a sensible idea to just mosey right along. I’ve really got to wonder whether that was automatic or Alexia is on the other side of the door giggling to herself. Nah, her ‘giggling’ can be heard a quarter mile away.
Oh boy. Whatever would we have done without Steve Burnside… 
“The last thing I remember was Morgan Freeman then…”
Grimace! 
Steve falls back on some Silent Hill 1 style voice acting for his performance here.
Steve suddenly starts crying out and pain and convulsing.
Steve pushes her away. Well, sort of nudges her. I’m not sure how she made it five yards.
And he thought all those years drinking Mountain Dew day and night would never catch up with him.
Steve transforms into the Hulk’s lesser know brother: The Sulk.
“Puberty has been unkind.”
“You…you can get medicine from your dermatologist. The strong stuff. It will help.”
How very nice of Alexia to mutate him into a form perfectly suited for a ridiculously large medieval battle axe.
The gate down the hallway begins closing for no particularly reason.
“Look, I’m sorry about all those times I called you a colossal fuck-up and a stain on humanity’s pants that would never amount to anything other than failure!”
Claire makes it just in time.
“They always called me a freak and said I’d shoot up the high school. Who’s the freak now?! Who’s laughing now?! Big Stevie Burnside is laughing now!”
“Steve, you look like something from a deleted scene of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. Way in the back of one of those extended edition disks with extras that you’d never look at.”
“Well… Well I like me!”
The plot device tentacles that apparently inhabit the walls will have none of this buffoonery.
They proceed to manhandle Claire and get her in the ghastly monster rape position. You know there’s some fucked up Japanese comic out there that has this scene take a horrifying turn…
The Sulk finally makes it through the bars after a minute or so of chipping away.
“Just couldn’t have let me mack with your sleeping body, could you?”
“What was that?!”
“Urgh… Nothing.”
Pay no attention to the missing iron bars or the far background not even bothering to be rendered! Eyes front and center.
“I hate you. You’ll never understand my pain! This is why you need me. I don’t need anyone! Guns are way better than any person!”
“W…wait. This is an axe… I… What’s my stance on axes? I… Shit, I am going to die without getting laid, aren’t I?”
If you had one of those heart measuring devices like in The Grinch Stole Christmas, you’d see The Sulk’s heart grow three sizes. Only three though. If it went four, it would burst out of his shoulder. Don’t ask.
The tentaclemajiger is unpleased about being chopped in half, despite obviously going to be chopped in half while curled around a girl The Sulk was going to bring an axe down on.
Tentacle thinger retaliates by slamming the shit out of Steve and retreating.
“Why couldn’t your pants stretch and turn purple? Ugh… I could have gone a lifetime without seeing that…”
Steve begins to transform back to his sad emo normal form.
“Wow, that is like…wow. I didn’t know they’d come that size… I mean it’s like… like fun size…”
“I’m really cold. That’s what you’re seeing here…”
“Uh-huh.”
“Come on. That thing wacked me just as hard and it just knocked the wind out of me. God, you’re a wuss until the end.”
“That bet we made during the Survivor intermission. Ha! Try to collect from a dead man…”
“Have a real thing for ponytails…”
“I… I…”
“Yes, Claire…?
“I… L…”
“Go…on…”
“Like met you yesterday…”
“My cousin died… trying to do… this arrrgh. Bleh… Ahhhhhhhhhaaa. Belch.”
“Thank God. My sister has horrible taste.”
“You’re telling me.”
“Yippe!”
“About bloody time! Thanks sis.”
“It had to be done, brother. It had to be done.”
“Oh God, what’s that smell…?”
“Oh, you guys all suck!”
Fuck yeah? Fuck yeah! Tune in next time for the next step in the newly Steve free journey in Episode XVIII: Magic is in the Air
Bonus Content
The Redfields get separated:
Video
Steve hits puberty. Puberty hits back:
Video
Video
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