Part 1: Episode I: The Ceiling
Remember that one time Hurley was forced by The Others to limbo under the DHARMA Beer sign or else Walt was going to control the sand monster? That show got fucking weird toward the end...
Fucking Let's Play threads...
We open to a shrieking man engulfed in flames taking a ride down a tube of fire. The possibility of the wrong turn at Albuquerque has yet to be ruled out by authorities.
It's really the 1998 Geocities flames effect that makes me know we're getting in for a quality production here. Though Geocities has fallen in recent years, at least YouTube keeps the shoddy fire effects and production "studios" which have only produced one terrible product tradition alive.
In a related news story, the game's original official site was hosted on none other than the olden webhost.
Behold and despair, ye who enter. We're in for a bumpy ride into the very bowels of that which is adventure gaming.
We are greeted by Nosferatu's very hung over and out of work cousin, who is surprised to discover a strange living presence...
Someone actually playing this game!
Actually, this is our hero: Benjamin Spooner Briggs -- captain of the infamous ghost ship the Mary Celeste. Apparently, Master Chief and Master Mariner are close enough for the warrior status. Oh well, at least they're both experienced with seamen. Oh wait...he's a "loan" warrior... You lose your deposit if he isn't returned within 7 business days.
So it's sort of like me when I sober up and realize I started a new LP...?
This guy...is not my kind of guy...
Limbo of the Lost is divided into six chapters. Well, five chapters and a prologue. This equals six if Kindergarten taught me anything. They don't get fancy titles or anything. Not even roman numerals! Shameful... Well, I'll be helpful and give this one a proper subtitle... Let me think... Hmm... Ah, I know:
PROLOGUE - HOW LOW CAN YOU GO...?
We open proper to the closing seconds before anti-gravity prison rape. A grave issue often ignored by the media due to American culture's unfortunate collective revenge mindset in relation to inmates, which results in-wait what...?
Drake-oh...I can't blame stuff on that anymore? Fine then, NOMUR-oh...not that either... Well, fuck you Cap...no? Not them? Well, shit...
"They squeal muuuuuuuuch louder when they know it's coming."
Our hero has a fitting reaction to Gollum's inverted, kidney failing cousin.
Well, who could say no to this face? It's a shame he's missing that tooth, he's got a lovely smile... I think...?
<turns the monitor upside-down>
Wait nope...a total rapeface that only Poser can masterfully produce... Terrific.
Yeah, if I woke up to see a guy standing on the ceiling the first question I'd ask would be...wait, woke up? He didn't really wake up, did he? He was just sort of staring blankly at the wall. Unfortunately, it is the terrible Lovecraftian horror that is the fabled Fourth Wall, so who knows what eldritch horrors he bore witness to on the other side of that screen at this moment.
Sadly, screaming for help, asking why the hell the fellow is standing on the ceiling, or any sensible courses of action is not an option. And, if you have to ask "ARACH" is pronounced like the often heard name 'Barach' without the B.
The Barach I am referring to is of course the nickname for beloved cultural icon of the '90s: Baraka.
"This is bad place because Dark Ones, they are not mercy filled!"
Captain Benny hails from a gated community in Massachusetts.
I've met my implied prison rape joke quota but Christ...
ARACH, thankfully, decides to just finger a door lock to express his repressed urges instead.
You know...ARACH's chest reminds me of something...I just can't put my finger on it...
Poor ARACH is too polite to mention he just saved up enough to move in here last week and is barely making ends meet to stay there before he's back on the streets.
So basically, other than pleasuring the door he's useless? Terrific.
The animation on his forehead makes it look as though it is trying to escape from his face. Not that I blame it.
The cutscenes having bizarre
The French Woman said to stay out of there.
Excuse me? Are you breaking the fourth w-HEY!
Hey, cut that out you fucker! I just bought this monitor!
Oh, for Christ sake! You've smudged the damn thing you greasy buffoon.
I'd probably accept one of those brain eating eels from Wrath of Khan before that thing but...
"Well, when you put it that way..."
Adventure Game Logic!
"Even when I...well...ya know...?"
"Especially when you ya know."
ARACH just vanishes into thin air at this point.
Well, I've got a few ideas chief. Let's see what the Escape button does!
...well that wasn't what I was hoping for. Ergh... Saving my soul sounds good right about now. I mean all those war crimes back in my contractor days when I was young aren't doing me any favors, but maybe Limbo of the Lost will find me salvation.
Oh...meh...it's the save game screen... Might as well be honest.
Limbo of the Lost Opening (You should probably watch this.)
Concept Art -