Part 15: Episode XIV: The Promotion
Welcome back. We rejoin Captain Briggs deep in the bowels of Darkmere Prison after he is finally brought to justice for his many, many heinous crimes against the good citizens of Limbo.
Briggs is greeted by the jailer whom seems to share a similar interest in sweater-vests. They strike up a conversation.
The dungeon keeper cares nothing of Ben's pleas and wanders off in silence. To be fair, Ben... You already did steal a soul just a few hours ago. You may not be the Soul Taker, but you're not exactly innocent of the crime in question.
Indeed, the thing is still in your friggin' inventory! In fact, the jailer failed to take anything from his inventory including a sharp knife, "plate metal" cutters, and the hammer of the thunder god Thor which I was almost positive was discarded earlier. I guess that kindly hugging fellow from earlier gave it back to the good Captain.
Despite the array of items at Briggs' disposal, they're all useless right now. He'll just have to make do with what he finds in the room.
Resting on the bed of Ben's new quarters is a tin cup... A tin cup that clearly looks like it is made of some manner of stone. Right, then.
Also of note in the room are a window and a crack in the wall. Briggs just remarks the window is interesting if he looks at it. How about the crack? Let's see...
...oh for fuck sake! Not this mumbling zombie baffoon gain.
"So can you help me get out of here?"
"OOOOOOOHHH you silly old fool, look at me, I can't even get myself out. Mind you sailor boy, I will tell you this. Empty vessels make the most noise! Or that's what they all said at the Inn."
This translates to: Bang the cup on the cell door. I don't know why we needed to speak with Nilmates again to figure that out.
"Oh good grief!"
"No! The answer is Sailor Boy............................. It's your turn!"
"No....I am not playing!"
"No... I spy with my rotten eye something beginning with...................."
"Shut up! I am not playing!"
I had to listen to that whole conversation three times. Mostly, because I utterly zoned out during the huge block of text toward the beginning (it goes on for about ten seconds longer than the subtitles indicate) and forgot to capture screens for the rest of the dopey conversation. Then again to record the thing.
Right. So, obnoxiously banging on the door with the tin cup summons the dungeon master back to Ben's cell. I guess yelling for someone would be rude.
Briggs will not stand for this. He'll not stand for this one bit. He ordered Spaghetti-O's and he got spaghetti. He wants the press to know!
The jailer wanders off again...
The Ganado would be loving this shit, let me tell you.
So, what do we do with this gunk, you ask? Well, that's easy. We throw it at the window.
Thus causing Arach to magically appear outside our cell like the stalker creep he is proving to be. I'd just like to point out the spacial anomaly in the fact that a window to the outside world and a crack to Zombie Nilmates' cell both occupy the same wall.
"Yes I know. Can you help?"
Spoilers: Arach never comes back and does jack shit to help us out of jail.
Briggs walks to the center of the room and assumes the over-this-shit pose until something happens...
Thanks, game. I needed ten seconds of my life devoted to the note that time, indeed, passes. Even as much as this game makes it feel like it does not.
Eventually, the jailer returns and declares the game has just gone "fuck it" and is letting us out of jail via convenient deus ex machine. How nice of them.
Friends are an understandably alien concept to Captain Briggs. Would you be friends with this prick?
I guess O'Negus never noticed the only reason Ben returned his soul was in order to just steal another one. One that I believe is still floating around the esteemed captain's pockets. He's more of a trader of souls, really.
"Something about a pixey hunting and questing for fetchers or somethin' like that. Heard you're pretty good at that sor'a thing."
"'Li'le bit of the old for'shadin' there, ya see."
Right then. Benjamin is immediately whisked off to the Mayor's office. Said office looks like it would fit right at home in the back of the Inn of Sin. They must have had the same local interior designers.
That's the way people shake hands in Limbo. God, you're so uncultured Ben. That said, bear traps to the eye still means being a tremendous spiteful asshole though.
It should be of note that the Mayor sounds like the silly voice from The Voice episode of Seinfeld. I'm sure that wasn't what they were going for...but it's exactly what we got.
"It is your worship!"
It is canon to the game that no, Benjamin Briggs, you are a useless chucklefuck who wouldn't know his head from his ass if the player wasn't there. You will take credit for nothing you rogue!
Okay. Hold the phone. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only interaction we've had with O'Negus was returning his soul after it was lodged in Nilmates' spine in some random coffin, correct? After that, Ben stole a bottle from his closet and returned later to steal some guy's soul (swapping it out with saffron flavored Kool-Aid) and...that's it... We've never seen him since then. Duping a guy who's so blind that he needs two pairs of glasses doesn't make anyone Sherlock fucking Holmes. If that were the case, there ought to be a Mr. Magoo/Batman cross over by this point.
Captain Benjamin "raw sewage with a worm in it is tequila" Briggs is the best investigative mastermind this whole town and indeed Limbo itself has to offer?
See! Even Ben doesn't know to make of this turn of events. Was Darkmere a progressive utopia free from crime and urban decay prior to the whole soul stealing demon business?
"Excellent thinking O'Negus!"
"Do I get one of those spiffy top hats everyone seems to be wearing around town?"
"Don't be absurd! It wouldn't even fit you!"
"Well I'm not really sure if I can.........you see........"
"But thou must."
"But I don't actually have any cr-"
"But thou must!"
"Why are you using 'thou'? That seems a rather archaic word to u-"
"But. Thou. MUST!"
Can it? Well, now we're getting somewhere! I'm down for a bad ending if you're offering! Oh... Wait a minute... There are no dialogue trees in Limbo of the Lost. There are barely coherent subtitles. Don't tease me like that.
No! The drunken deputy mayor?! Gone?! But his character arc was just getting interesting what with the disenchantment with the system he is begrudgingly but a stiff, ineffectual cog with no escape. I am truly disheartened.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't the Worrymeister murdered just a few hours ago? And Ben directly witnessed that going down. You'd think that would be his first case, no? No? Right...logic...no place...
Do not break the forth wall to go "haha bet you wish we programmed dialogue choices" you awful, awful game. In fact, do not break the forth wall anymore at all. I'm officially putting up a fence and placing a sign saying "no crappy adventure game protagonists" on the gate. It will be superimposed on a poorly photoshopped sign in the picture of another stock photo of a gate.
So we come upon the grizzly sight of the empty husk that used to be that drunk we met fifteen minutes ago that had two or three lines (most of which were him hiccuping.) Such a tragic loss. Ben takes the time to scribble something in his note pad. Oh yes, we got some new items from the Mayor and friends:
A shiny detective badge giving Ben free reign to pester people, bust into their homes, and steal whatever he sees fit to satisfy his objectives. Sure, he was doing that before. It's merely legally sanctioned now. That is a bit of a frightening thought.
There is also a map. A map we cannot actually look at despite all indications otherwise. Mostly it being a map and all...
Lastly, we have that notepa-
I am going to have to go fuck around in all of those areas?
Likely multiple times?
END OF LP...