Part 19: Episode XVIII: The Oblivious
Welcome back to the slog that is Chapter 3. We're almost done. I promise. The Scooby Doo-esque finale is right around the corner. But, we've a healthy amount of bullshit to wade through first. So let's get crackin'!
First up, it's time to check out of inn of Sin. As it turns out that "I" Key opens the Inn. Since inn begins with "I" you see. This is going to be a very common theme during this leg of the journey.
The inn itself is abandoned. Now, according to that note in the snow...ice...thinger...there is some manner of hidden passage locked away inside the building. It took me a couple minutes just to find the damn thing. I suspected it would be behind the counter, but that didn't seem to yield results. I went about clicking the other two pointless rooms in the building to similar effect.
I turns out my first instinct was correct. It's just the actual target box to proceed to the next area is a weird ass, very specific corner by the pillar that only has a few pixel radius. Thanks a lot Majestic!
It seems the Inn of Sin was built upon an ancient Ayleid ruin. Terrific. It's a bit hard to see, but there's a new pair of keys hanging on the wall.
Unfortunately, both keys are unlabeled and thus rendered utterly useless until they can be given proper identification. Sure, we'd used mostly unmarked keys on whatever door and everything was A-OK every other point in the game. But, we're now adhering to a standardized cataloging system for all locking and unlocking matters in Darkmere.
Further into the basement is a winding path also stripped from the most boring part of another popular game. Majestic Studio had a most keen eye on nicking only the most banal of targets. The awful pre-fab interchangeable dungeons of Oblivion are certainly high up there in that regard. Maybe Briggs will find 10 gold, a couple lockpicks, and pewter bowl while he's down here.
Eventually, we come to a gate with a ladder leading upward. The hatch at the end of the ladder is unfortunately locked and there is no way to ever open it. It's not an entirely pointless trip, though. This will be a vital area in revealing the Soul Taker conspiracy. Just you wait...
They literally mirror the path on the opposite side of the tunnel. There is probably some meta statement about copy, pasting, and mirroring assets stolen from a dungeon constructed purely out of copying and pasting components like Legos. But, I don't care enough to make it.
At the end of the path is a whole mess of items. We appear to have stumbled upon the alleged cult's coat room.
To the left of the door are, wouldn't you know it, a pair of labels for those keys we just collected. Now, you can clearly see the keys in question are literally identical in size and shape so it should really matter fuck all where they are used. But, Ben instinctively knows what color coded identical key belongs to what poorly scribbled label.
We are now the proud owners of the O and S keys. I hope this doesn't unlock the Vista door. That would be dreadful.
Also in this room are the aforementioned cloaks along with accompanying footwear. Now, I could see why we could use the boots and all. Assuming they are the Pharmacist Conspiracy's property (Briggs cannot be bothered to look.) But, Ben feels compelled to steal their jackets as well. There's just one catch...
Are you fucking shitting me here?! I just want to stop a second to point out how utterly ridiculous our collection of bullshit is at this point. I think the last time I felt the need to list all the items in my inventory for being so absurd in number and variety was Resident Evil Code Veronica. Limbo of the Lost makes that game's item pile look like something out of a damned rail shooter in comparison. Let's take a look:
Detective Captain Benjamin Spooner Briggs is currently in possession of:
- The ancient relic plot MacGuffin.
- The lovely welcome note from the Keeper of Souls in the Keep of Souls.
- A stolen soul in a jar.
- Rigged dice.
- A rusty knife yanked out of a zombie.
- The severed finger tip of a spider man.
- Mjöllnir: The hammer of the Norse Thunder god Thor.
- A spool of fishing line stolen from a man he hung for sleeping on the job.
- Wire cutters capable of tearing through sheet metal like butter.
- A hand crafted flute that plays only the first few bars of the Indiana Jones theme.
- A silver chain looted from the corpse of the Worrymeister.
- A tin cup that is property of the tax payers of Darkmere.
- The map of Darkmere that only displays directions to certain locations if Ben inquires about pies.
- Ben's DETECTIVE badge.
- And of course his pen and notepad where he takes five seconds to cross out a fucking name on a list.
- The blind beggar with the Picasso face's pimp cane.
- A shiny glass orb from within the pimp cane. No doubt intended to be pawned off for narcotics.
- A crumpled note written by the Blacksmith but signed by his daughter.
- An empty fanny pack.
- A cluster of hay. I hope you don't have allergies.
- A full apron in case the whole detective thing doesn't pan out.
- A pair of glasses that are not Benjamin's prescription but by God he's going to wear them anyway.
- Three different labeled keys.
- And a fucking chef's hat.
All of that and he cannot manage a pair of boots and a raincoat...
No, instead we must liberate a sack from the same room for Ben to shove all the clothing in like some sort of outfit stealing anti-Santa.
Behind the cloaks is yet another door filled with shit for Benny to shove into his space-time anomaly pockets. If he sticks around he can also pray to the Nine to clear up any diseases he might have acquired. Let's see what new do-dads there is for our kleptomaniac "hero".
On the table is a scroll which reveals we've apparently been calling the sinister spirit skulking about by the wrong name all this time. I feel silly now.
In addition is a black candle apparently to be utilized in summoning the
Also on the ground is a match stick. Don't let the plainly visible size of it fool you. The actual detection box to pick it up is actually a single pixel on the thing. My mouse is currently dying and likes to fidget about and not register clicks unless I smash on the thing. That makes attempting to mash on a single tiny point a rather challenging feat.
This match has a bright and silly future ahead of it.
Right then. That's all for that dungeon crawl. I had to backtrack an absurd amount of screens to get back to the map screen. Remember they never bothered to program the early areas to be linked to the main map. So after the Inn of Sin one must trek out to the town square and loop past the Mummy Clerk to get the hell out of the joint.
Right then... So, we have the "O" and "S" keys. Presumably, the "S" key would unlock that cocktease door at the Stables from way back at the beginning of this investigation sometime back during the Mesozoic era. At least, it felt like it was that long ago...
Huh... Surprisingly enough, the stables actually has horses in it. That's a first. It also has a... Well err... What is that...?
Drakengard! Wait, what?!
There are rape faces and then there is what we are looking at. I fear a new term needs to be coined to accommodate what is before us.
Well, it's skinned alive and all but it appears to be conscious enough. You could just always lend the poor bastard your pad and pen to try and communicate.
No, Ben. It's disco dancing.
Well, I don't know Ben. Why would a man who owns such a fine steed by skinned alive and imprisoned.
He couldn't be the real mayor or anything. That'd be silly. Where is his fancy top hat? Where?!
Mr. Grin shakes his head in frustration.
"I could eat a horse? You want to play horseshoes? No horseplay indoors? Oh... I was never good at this."
Unfortunately, the game of charades between the mutilated chap and our ever dense protagonist is cut short by a man in a pirate hat and friends' arrival.
Pictured: Benjamin Briggs being full of shit.
Detective Briggs goes all tactical espionage action and...
Hides behind a barrel.
And the game is afoot!
The Skurge brothers wander in...
"I've gotta meet me quota of y'arring and shivering of timbers and the like."
Who the hell refers to any manner of alcohol consumption as a "jar". Booze does not come in jars. Booze never came in jars. Unless they're talking about sweet, delicious honey and not alcohol. This by Limbo of the Lost standards is probably mustard with Cheerios dumped into it.
Whoever is about to type up something about booze and jars gets a preemptive shut the fuck up, nobody cares. Yes you!
"Skills for kills, agent. Kills for skills."
Either the Skurge brothers are the world's quickest feed bag preparers or Ben slinks out when nobody is looking...
Err...what now...? You've lost me chief...
Briggs remains silent on the matter. Moving along...
Right, then. The sister "O" key apparently belongs to O'Negus' pawn shop. I wasn't aware it was locked in the first place. But, there you go.
The Ace Detective feels compelled to loot and plunder more trinkets. He's liberating them in the name of justice, you see.
Despite having 20/20 vision, Benny continues his quest of finding a prescription of glasses that neither fit him nor correct his eyesight.
He also pilfers a no doubt valuable ornamental glass case for err... Well, let's just say Ben is a loose cannon who plays by his own rules regarding the end of this investigation...
Right then. So, Detective Briggs has hoarded even more crap so...now what...? Well, that's a great question. One which requires pretty much randomly visiting areas and hoping for the best.
It turns out the game wants us to re-visit the Bric-and-Brac shop ran by the hi~larious nearsighted deaf woman. I suppose those glasses we found from one of the crime scenes were supposed to tip us off but honestly...do you remember jack shit about this character? I sure as hell didn't other than profound annoyance and I'm the one playing this trainwreck.
"Mmmmmmmmm. Now that's interesting!"
"I believe these are your spectacles."
Where is a bear trap when you need one...?
Fuck this stupid, annoying ass motherfucking game and all the cocksucking thieving asshole fuckheads involved in the pile of shit's goddamn creation!
"Now look I told you once!"
"No!! These are your glasses!"
This is the part you're supposed to execute her and go rogue against CTU, Briggs! You are useless!
Benjamin, being the most oblivious detective of all time, walks right past a large labeled key on the floor undoubtedly from the same set as the others.
We have to turn him right around and march him back in to pick up the damned thing. The proprietor of the less than business looking shop has vanished from her post. Very suspicious.
Ah, the "A" Key. I take it cow slaughter is in our near future...
Gah! Well...it turns out nothing suspicious was going down. Just a programming error. Everything I know is a lie!
It's only been about twenty five minutes but I felt like I started on this update over an hour ago... Right... On to the Abattoir! I'm sure nothing too bad will be hidden wit-
JESUS CHRIST! What in the hell am I even looking at?!
And that is all of the comment Briggs has for a giant pool filled to the brim with gore, including what is clearly a human corpse floating churned in the mix.
Instead, he just picks up a new key and happily trots out with not so much as a raised eyebrow. Right then. Err... The C Key...? But... But nothing starts with C... Oh dear...
Ten minutes of my life I'll never get back before giving up and resorting to a walkthrough later...
Right. So, it turns out we need to return to the stables for some business. The horses, Rapeface McNoskin, and the dread pirate have all vanished. Now, what do you think we need to do in this room? Go ahead. Look it over. I'll go ahead and tell you that the back door is just scenery and cannot be opened.
If you guessed push the pixel sized button just about completely unnoticeable on the wall then you have a sick twisted mind and may very well be a vessel for the devil.
Pushing that button causes the very half-assed photoshops in the dead end corridor to transform into Tomb Raider-esque switches. I'm not sure how that works. Let's just hope there's a cunt behind the wall to use this damn key on.
A trip to the Dead End later...
So you may remember the nice French Mystic woman gave us some vague clue about this place. It said to hit the switches left, right, and center. I think that's up there with making your password "Password" as far as hidden button sequences goes.
This intricate pattern reveals a path to...
...an easily seen and not at all hidden building behind the dead end.
Thankfully, the structure's function apparently begins with "C".
Ah, I see. C for crema-
Thanks, Briggs. I couldn't figure that out for myself.
That's generally what crematoriums are used for, what with the serial killer spree and bodies piling up on your watch.
Are you shitting me? It was just ash the whole time? This whole town, Ben included, is too retarded to differentiate between snow and ash? Good fucking grief! One is white and cold and melts into water. The other is gray and smears into a black grim because it's friggin' ash!
What? Huh? You suddenly know whodunit? What, was it the Fire Nation behind everything? And how do you know the Mummy is next on their hit list? Just...what?! Did I miss a scene where Ben pieces everything together aside from the very obvious Mayor culprit?
So, apparently Detective Briggs has cracked the case wide open by seeing that crematorium. Indeed, the remainder of this chapter is Ben pulling five tons of shit out of his ass in an Agatha Christie-esque ten minute rant using a magical projector screen presentation for Justice!
I am one hundred serious about all this.
Detective Spooner Briggs returns to the jailor to get the gears in motion for the finale.
"What, all of them, sir?"
"Yes Jailor my good man, every last one of them!"
So basically Ben has decreed you'd best show up at the town hall meeting for his speech or he is burning you and your damned house down.
...it is time to reveal the truth! Buckle up boys and girls. This is going to get real ridiculous real fast...
Fun at the Stables
Old Women and Understanding Snow =/= Ash