Part 200: BCP 29 - Express Train to HellX-394 is a big facility, full of mysterious creatures known as Abnormalities. Many of these Abnormalities can do very bad things if they're handled improperly, and it's vitally important that our agents know just what may happen if they're careless. What's a manager to do?
Episode 29: Express Train to Hell
Hi! I'm Paul! Just your everyday plucky employee of Lobotomy Cobotomy, here today to talk about Express Train to Hell!
Express Train to Hell is a WAW-level tool Abnormality, which takes the form of a ticket office with four lights on top of it.
Hey! One of them's already lit up!
That's because our introduction took more than thirty seconds. How about you get in there and see what happens when an agent works with it?
Wha- no banter?
No time for that! Go!
Oh-uh, yes, Miss Hod!
Hey! I got healed up a little bit!
That's because of the Express Train's effects. When accessed with one light, the agent's SP and HP are healed by 40.
Wow! That's practically all of me! What happens at the other lights?
Well, at two lights, the agent is healed for 80 HP and SP instead.
Wowsers! That's one and a half of me!
At three and four lights, the train heals for only 50 HP and SP, but does so to either the entire department or the entire facility, respectively. As a result, it's theoretically possible for the Manager to fine-tune visits to get the results that he would like, so long as he keeps in mind that-
What's that noise?
Oh dear! H-has it been two and a half minutes already?
Miss Hod! There's a portal on one end of the facility!
That means the Train's other ability has gone off. An entry and an exit portal appear, and between them...
And the train runs between them! Wowsers!
This does clear off all of the lights of the Express Train's booth, meaning we also miss our chance to heal.
Well, at least it was a near miss! Say, Miss Hod! What was that about two and a half minutes?
Oh, yes! I haven't explained about the lights.
Every thirty seconds, one light turns on. This means the full department healing is available every two minutes at best.
So that's two minutes Meaning if another light would spawn while the Express Train's ticket booth is full, that's what causes the Train! Right, Miss Hod?
That's right, Paul! As a result, it's very important that the Manager keep it at the forefront of their mind. This is especially vital if the Manager is running things at double speed with their TT2 controls, since this lowers it from two and a half minutes to-
One minute and fifteen seconds.
Everybody hit the deck!!
It's aimed right at Training and Information this time!
Well curdle my caboose! That can't be good!
To the contrary! We're here to learn, and what better way is there than to look at its effects up close!
Liquidating locomotives! They got flattened!
When it runs by, the Train will deal 100 Black damage to anything in its path, be it a breaching Abnormality or one of our employees.
This damage is enough to be fatal to any clerks or new agents, and even our crack team of veterans can be brought to the brink of death or insanity from a single hit, particularly if they're in Black-vulnerable or low level E.G.O gear.
Yowsers! Manager, make absolutely sure that you don't forget to work with it!
Ahh!! W-well, that's all the time we have today. Thanks for joining us! And remember-
Knowledgeisjustpainplusobservation! Take coveeeeeeer!!!
...I aspire to a certain level of eloquence in this series. It is important that we, as a company, be taken seriously by the business world-to that end, it is equally important that we not break certain taboos. We are men, not children, and thus we should be able to handle things in a manner befitting of men, rather than default to the playground anachronisms of babes.
The choice of words is the privilege of only the high-minded and well-educated. Of those who know the words which they have on hand and can use as tools to resolve the complex situation of conveying the feelings and observations which they have made. Today, these observations are complex.
This Abnormality is a worthless healer on a level all its own, either only healing an agent who could simply wait in the main room for a few moments or else curing the entire facility at most once every two minutes in a manner which cannot be controlled. It isn't even a full heal.
Further it demands constant attention, gnawing at the back of your mind-forever. Two minutes at most, two-thirty and it goes off. Halve it if you intend to do things quickly. As a Manager we choose between our sanity slipping away to slow workdays or our sanity slipping away to constant work requests on the train.
Such an Abnormality is an Abnormality among Abnormalities. It is in a league wholly outside what I have previously had to convey, and completely beyond the pale when compared to anything else I have seen in my many days here. No other Abnormality requires such a commitment to its continued upkeep, draining so much attention for so negligible a payout. It doesn't even have gear.
Given that, I have thought long and hard about the best way to express my observations and feelings towards this Abnormality among Abnormalities, and I feel I have come to a conclusion. Bluntness is a form of eloquence, if used with precision and meaning. Thus:
Fuck Express Train to Hell. That is all.
Manager, shall we move on to the next day?
We're going back before that thing can cause us any more troubles.
Of course, Manager.
Next time's featured Abnormality
Express Train to Hell