Part 13: Beat me Righty Eight to the Bar (with special guest Curus Keel!)

Hello! I hope you all had a Merry Christmas, because we're plunging right back into the pit of piss! This update will also have special guest Curus Keel as co-commentator! His commentary will be in bold.

Thank you, thank you. For those unaware, I actually ended up tied to this game since its original Steam release, thanks to the initially angry review about it I made on Steam for it. What followed was a can of worms that involved so much bad behavior on part of the developer and even a few things within the game of questionable copyright - stuff that I’ll bring up when it becomes more relevant.

I’ll start with this: Every character is someone’s fursona, all but one of the females excluded. Since I’m not sure we’ll be meeting with said female again, I’ll say that Dazz is the exception. The kicker? Dazz was originally a male fursona, only in this game is she a busty wolf. I can only assume that the reason for her gender change is so that she can be used on the Steam banner and promo materials for this game, because barely naked wolf tits sell.



How many times does Rabies have to repeat themselves? Either use the first sentence or the next two, using all three just has the narrator talking to the player like they're an idiot.

I scan my surroundings. This place is busy. I see a waitress clumsily stumble around. There's also a man at a desk -- shuffling papers. We're quickly approached by one of the workers.



Konrad? Endymion? Did you smuggle us into a gay bar?



This line is surprising because, as far as I can tell, it's been the only instance in the game so far where someone's species is brought up.

Heterochromia is love. Heterochromia is life.

Also, about the intro poses: On the first release, the game didn’t even have them. Literally the only reason they exist is so that the creator can claim that this game has “multiple expressions”, something that I and others have called him out on not including in the past. This is a dumb excuse for technically satisfying that requirement. Supposedly, these poses were to be used more often, when the respective character was talking, but that never happened. They are used once and discarded, just like what happened with the artist for this game.

Oh, you guys again...? Can you at least buy some drinks this time? We have to make a living, you know!

Hey PB! Long time no see, buddy!

I'm not your buddy.

You're really gonna go and break my heart? Just like that? Ouch.



Yes Rabies would like a few beer bottles to break over Konrad's head please!

I’d play that game.



You know what would make you blend in even more? Not looking like two failed attempts at being furry Final Fantasy characters.

The only reason Konrad gets away with being sneaky is that he camouflages well within Terra’s natural colors of rocket red, jet black, and neon blue. They just can’t show the true colors ‘cause it would be an eyesore to us.



These two directly work for the king to carry out his dirty work, but he doesn't even pay them enough for drinks. And it can't be a money issue, since Velasquez said to Bojack Horseman earlier that their treasury is full.

Nah, that makes perfect sense. These assassins have a 0% success rate.

His name is PB? Like just two letters? That has to stand for some--

And don't ask me what my name stands for! It stands for nothing! Nothing at all!

Haha, I'll find out one day. I know it.

Pink Bunny. I guarantee you it stands for Pink Bunny.

Or Pink Bastard.

What a ferocious little guy. And he runs this place on his own?

Hey, new guy.

He stares me in the eyes. A much calmer gaze than Endymion.

Allow me to welcome you! This is The Wayfarer's Tavern. My humble home, and---

Grr--I hate being formal. It's my bar okay? I run this place.

Never would have guessed you dislike formality, what with your raver outfit and exposed midriff!



Going by the general quality of life outside, it's probably legal for kids to smoke meth.

We opened up about a decade ago. Since then, we exploded in popularity. But we're also the immigration office. Guess after a long journey, you need drinks.

This place is the immigration office for Terra? Hold up. You can’t just drop that in and not expect a bunch of questions. Like, why would one combine the immigration office within a bar/tavern? What happened to the past immigration office, if there is one? Why is this a private business, when you’d expect immigration offices to be part of the government? Why doesn’t this place seem to have high standards? Are you seriously expecting people who come to Terra to have their papers handled by waitstaff who looks more in place at a Hooters? Are those outfits really in taste, especially when there’s very likely to be children around? Is what we’re experiencing the same immigration process for everyone?

Klace, you did not think this through. As a writer, it is your job to think things through.

A man after my own heart.

I'll kill you.

Please do.

Oh, this little hot-head.

I am -not- little!

PB starts fuming. Looks like he's about to get violent. But before he can -- someone steps in front of him.



Major\Minor: There's Always More And It's Always Worse.

Hey, at least this outfit looks in-place if this were just a fantasy tavern. Not spectacularly great, though. I question the stripperiffic nature of it, though.

Oh, hey Phidget. What is it now?

The other rabbit -- or Phidget -- shuffles nervously.



Phidget's defining character trait is that his mom is dead. That might sound like a joke, but I'm dead serious.

This’ll be fun.

No Phidget. Not today, brother.



Is it me or do Phidget's ear piercings look like they're so heavy that they're the reason his ears are drooping?

Well, it would make PB’s ears magic, they have more piercings and stand up straight. How can you explain that?

Besides, it's rude to intrude like that. We were in the middle of a conversation.

I said hey...

He puts his hand out to shake mine. But he quickly blushes and pulls it away.

Then he runs off. Interesting.

Well, sorry about that. That's my brother -- Phidget. He helps out as much as he can. His dream is to be the best waiter here. Says he wants to make our Mom proud. He studies under the current barmaid, Trish.

He leans forward to whisper in my ear.

But to be honest, they're both terrible. It's just hard to turn down free labor.

How the hell did this place 'explode in popularity' when its barmaids are terrible at their jobs?

The same barmaids who have to act as immigration officials, presumably? Aren’t many people that could really fit, unless you really want a royal assassin to handle your paperwork.

He laughs before pulling back.

Practice makes perfect though, right? Follow me -- the three of you. We need to sit down and have a chat.

He starts to lead us towards a table.



My god, Klace managed to fit more than two characters on the screen.

Maaagic.

Here’s something you should know, for each character there’s a separate image with their art positioned left and their art positioned right, for the two poses they have. The images are the same rough size and ratio as the game screen itself, therefore tons of white space.

Couldn’t this guy have figured out how to dynamically position images so that more than 2 characters can be put on a screen? Amateurish.



This really reads as if he’s literally floating above the table like he's possessed.

Hey, if he was a freaking wizard or a ghost, I’d actually be more interested.

So first, we need to talk about repairs.

He slams his fists down on the table. This sound echoes through the tavern, and people stare.

Repairs? What are you talking about?

Repairs for the damages you two caused! Tavern brawls aren't clean, you know!

You two threw a poor guy across the room! You need to pay for the broken glassware. There's a huge dent in the wall, too!

He points across the tavern. Sure enough the wall is damaged. It looks rather fragile, though.

Konrad and Edymion: assassins that don't actually assassinate anyone, and blow their cover on a regular basis by starting bar fights.

Come on, it would be more interesting if we actually fought in one of those barfights.

That wasn't us...

Of course it was. I saw it happen with my own two eyes!

His body caused the dent.

Oh no. You're not talking your way out. Not like the last ten times. Your mind games won't work anymore, guys.

This implies that Endymion's piss-poor excuses have worked in the past.

Master assassin.





REALLY RABIES

YOU JUST NOW ARRIVING AT THAT CONCLUSION?

(it’s in bold tags)



You know what's even more expected? Actually killing someone.

Fuck off. Don’t use “assassin” because it sounds cool, have that ACTUALLY MEAN A DAMN THING for the character.

I don't care what you have to say. You're paying up. Now.

But -- we don't have the money.

How convenient.

I really mean it!

Well then I guess I'll add on interest. The cost of the damages -- tripled .

That's not fair, PB.

Neither is breaking my house!

Wait, PB lives in this shit bar?

Hey, it’s on par with living in a shit arcade.

We're on an important mission this time. We'll be compensated greatly. Please just give us some more time.

Aren't you always on an important mission?

Well, yeah. But none have been as important as this! We've been hired by the King himself!

That so?

It really is.

Two things: One, holy fucking shit Endymion you're supposed to be on a top secret mission, stop revealing it to everyone that asks. Two, how little does Velasquez pay these two? There is literally a line earlier about how his treasury was full, so it's not like he can't afford to cover their costs.

Then again, they might be so incompetent that they never get paid by Velasquez. But then why would these idiots be hired again and again? Beyond there being nobody else written for the story to do it.



Wait, where did Konrad go?

He met up with Martin Walker and went on a treacherous rescue mission in Furry Dubai, only for war madness to occur alongside mass death and destruction.

...I wish.

Alright. Start talking.

Well, it's kind of confidential.

Confidential, as in non-existent? You're obviously just buying time. The king would never work with assassins.

I can only assume that Endymion has a habit of blabbing about secret missions, so you'd think PB would actually believe him when he not only says they're on another mission, but the king himself has hired them. You know, the king that they said can't be connected to their work in any way?

And of course PB knows they're assassins.

The king will never work with assassins because of these two incompetent fools. It makes sense.

PB sharply inhales, as if he's about to yell. But Endymion quickly cuts him off. Is he scared?

No please, no need to call -him- here.

Fine, you win. I'll tell you. But you have to promise you'll wait.

Depends how good your story is, I suppose.

The more we're around these two "assassins", the less I'm angry about them being terrible at their jobs and the more I question what kind of idiot Velasquez has to be to actually trust them with sensitive intrigue.

A few moments pass, and then Endymion stares at me.

Savior. Feel free to wander while I explain. No need for you to hear all this again.

That much was true -- there's no reason to stay. I feel like I've heard this a million times by now.

I couldn't help but notice PB's ears perk up. Especially at the mention of the word "savior".

I slowly stand up and start to walk away. I can hear a few key words before I'm out of earshot. He's definitely telling PB the same story he told me.

I approach the center of the tavern with slight anxiety. All of the eyes are upon me -- watching me. Normally this would be scary, but it feels different.

Was I truly the savior of all these people? What would I do to help them exactly...? I only knew little of the power within me. I wasn't quite sure how I would use it to save Terra.

To be fair, that's because the guy who gave us said powers thought the best way to explain it would be to show us four sad clipart earths.

And to be fair, Reiyo was on really short notice that day.

There has to be something more to this power. Or perhaps something more to this situation. I feel like I haven't been told everything. Or at the very least -- Endymion and Konrad haven't.

I dunno, it's been pretty well established that those two aren't very good at keeping information to themselves.

It's so secret that even they haven't been told? They were like the left and right hand of the King. I scan the bar one final time, making eye contact. But the people quickly turn away -- as if in fright.

”The left and right hand of the King”. I find that really hard to believe. Are the three related in some way, is that why they have the job?

I see a forlorn look in their eyes. I can tell that life for them is less than stellar. That fills me with determination to change this world. One day -- they would wear faces of true happiness.

Once I speak with the King, I'll probably go to the Ark. We'll need to discuss our next move pretty quickly. So I guess the only thing I can do for now is wait.

I spot Phidget standing at the bar with a barmaid. Or perhaps -the- barmaid, as I haven't seen any others. I decide to approach him for the time being. It's probably better to stick with familiar faces.



AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH KILL IT

I’m sorry, what is that character design? Is that supposed to be some sexually deviant 6 year old’s interpretation of a Pokemon?

Sorry Trish. I was just doing it how PB taught me.

Hey -- let's not forget the important facts. Remember who the head barmaid is...?

You are.

Indeed. So let PB teach you PB things. I'll teach you barmaid things -- got it?

I've honestly lost count at this point.

Got it!

Phidget smiles widely and starts cleaning glassware. Once I'm closer -- I formally introduce myself. Phidget puts out his hand, but immediately retracts it. Did he have something against shaking hands...?

Trish looks at him, and then looks at me. She immediately puts her hand out to shake mine. Unfortunately, she forgot she was holding a glass cup. It drops to the ground and shatters loudly. Apparently shaking my hand was more important to her.

Maybe people come to this bar because they just have to see its trainwreck of a staff.

It’s a tavern, an immigration office, and an improv comedy club at once! Watch the slapstick antics of PB and Trish’s many hilarious cleaning attempts! Laugh at the rabbit whose mother is obviously dead and she doesn’t know it! All at the Wayfarer’s Tavern!

Hey, I'm Trish! The local Master Barmaid! But I like to teach my trade on the side. Phidget is my latest student.

Master barmaid? That was a self-proclamation for sure. Something tells me this is going to end horribly. I have flashbacks of Rook teaching Jade his humor.

Flashbacks? Like Vietnam-style "you don't know man, you weren't there" flashbacks?



I like how she doesn't even give a shit that she's wasting the bar's glasses.

Cleaning up the bar glasses is



The only way Phidget's mom is coming back is if someone makes a trip to the local graveyard with a shovel.



She won't recognize you anyway, what with her brain having decomposed and all.



She went to the great cabbage patch in the sky, and also the great six-foot hole in the ground.

She went to her second home in Sovngarde, and didn’t leave you the directions.

Trish reaches out and pets the top of his head. He perks up and looks incredibly happy at this. They've both just forgotten about the broken glass.

I hope she comes back soon! I've been waiting around for a really long time.

You're probably gonna be waiting even longer than that, considering how your mom once topped a Buzzfeed list of 'most deadest people'.

Trish lets out a nervous giggle and looks at me. She takes out another glass and starts cleaning again.

So what brings you here? I saw that you came with those two men. Most people say that they attract trouble.

Going around telling everyone you're assassins in the employ of the king will do that.

I laugh nervously as well, but for a different reason. I tell her that they're taking me to meet the King. That -- and check their mail while filing my papers.

Wow, you're going to meet King Velasquez? I am so jealous! Can I come with you!

I haven't seen him since I was a kid! Maybe he'll know where my Mom is!

Probably under a tombstone somewhere. You know, what with her being dead and all.

Velasquez will tell Phidget about the rabbits again. All he has to do to see his mom again is to let that weird black thing’s barrel push up against the back of his head.



I feel like this game owes me an apology.



To be fair, Phidget's Mom being dead is probably common knowledge. Isn't that right Phidget?

How old are these characters anyway?

I feel bad. If it weren't for Trish -- I'd say yes. He seems really dedicated to finding his Mother. Dedication is something you have to respect nowadays. If the situations [sic] were reversed -- I'd have asked, too.

So -- they're checking the mail? I see that involves chatting with PB.

She tilts her head in the direction I came from. I see PB yelling and flailing his arms around. It looks like he's lecturing them pretty fiercely.

He gets like that often. He flies off the handle so easily. But you learn to love it, I guess.

Endymion and Konrad proceed to wave me over. I cut the conversation with Trish and Phidget short. But I let them know that we'll continue it later.

I had too many questions to just stand them up. Like -- where did Phidget's mother go, for example. I also wanted to learn more about the tavern as well.

As far as Phidget's mom goes, she went to a farm out in the country.

And also died.

And it would be best to learn from an unbiased source. I don't believe that Phidget and Trish know my identity. They'd treat me just like anyone else who came here.

I couldn't say the same of Endymion and Konrad. They're definitely biased in their service to the King. Yet I'm still unsure how this affects the situation.

Sounds good. You know where to find us.

Yeah -- in the heaping piles of broken glass.

Woah now, that line came dangerously close to having personality. We can't have that!

Burn it! Burn it in hell! We don’t want good writing here!

I walk back towards Endymion, Konrad and PB. But out of the corner of my eye, I see someone staring. They scope out my route and quickly intercept me. Almost like they don't want me to get there.

Normally I would've been surprised, but not today. I've constantly been bumping into people as of late. I stop in my tracks so I don't come crashing into him.

For a moment -- I'm glad I did. This man is massive. He could probably rip me in two with his sheer strength.



Hi, guy. Here to steal our honey?

At least he looks genuinely cool. And in place.

He looks down at me. Suddenly -- I'm filled with fright.



If you want to shut them up, be my guest.

His voice is very deep. And his accent is thick. Like what you'd expect from a band of tribesmen. Wherever he's from -- he's not from around here.



Offer's still open to make them shut up.

He grips his axe as if to threaten me.

If a time like that comes, I will be there. I offer protection in exchange for money. That is, when I'm not babysitting PB.

Him and his brother need constant watch. But I sell my services in my spare time. You'll know where to find me, Rabies.

So -- he's the guardian of PB and Phidget? This must be who PB threatened to get involved earlier. If that was the case, I don't blame Endymion's reaction.




Alright, credit where it's due: that was kind of funny.

He extends his arm to shake mine. I do so in turn. He has a grip that's more than firm. If he tried, he could easily break my hand.

I'm known here as a protector. My services are costly -- but worthwhile. I guide people along their paths in life.

I'm not sure I heard everything, but...Your path seems to be quite the arduous one. So I'm sure you'd benefit from my help.

You should keep your identity more secret. Endymion and Konrad have been loud about it. It could attract a certain kind of person.

Righty I'm not going to beat around the bush anymore: please kick their asses.

This had better be a really long build-up to a bar fight.

Those who would hold you for ransom. Or -- do other unimaginable things. I can't be the only one who overheard. So you must assume that other people know. To that end -- I have a proposition.

Meet me in the wine cellar whenever you can. And do make sure to come alone, alright? We need to be away from some watchful eyes.

Getting drunk with a bear in a basement isn't the absolute worst idea we've had all day.

It comes close, though.

We already had that worst idea: It was making friends with Kila.

Without another word, he walks off. His large steps shake the floor beneath him. My heart is beating like a drum. I don't think I've ever seen a man so imposing.

I continue my walk over to Endymion, Konrad and PB. But I'm still open to getting interrupted again. I have a habit of bumping into random people lately.



I hope he's able to afford some armor that doesn't look like bondage gear.

Or some more tasteful street/work clothes, at the very least.

PB glares at Endymion and Konrad.

Hey, you said you'd be okay with waiting! Unless you just conned the story out of us. And that wouldn't be cool at all, PB.

Oh yeah -- "The Savior". My guarantee for prompt renovations. I hope for your sake that the story is true.

If I don't get my money like they promised? I'll get Righty involved here pretty quick. And he's not kind to those who cross me!

Hey now, there's no need for that. We have no reason to lie. We mean it!

No reason to lie other than to avoid paying the massive tab they've apparently accumulated.

The assassins were saved by the ultimate force: Forgetful Creator.

I guess we'll see, won't we?

PB trots off -- towards Trish and Phidget. I wouldn't be surprised if he yells at them next. Or if he accidentally steps in that broken glass carpet.

Wouldn’t “trot” be more appropriate if it was Trish?

So -- that was Righty. We kind of almost worked with him. He was going to be the third Assassin. But as you can tell -- it didn't work out.

Righty seems to have common sense in regards to not blabbing your plan to everyone in town, so maybe that had something to do with it.

He branched off to form his own unit. I guess you could say he's our rival. We fight against him more often than not.

He steals a lot of our business. You know -- with us having to kill someone? He'll sell his services to protect them.

Must be a really cushy job, since you two don't seem to kill anyone anyway.



Maybe he saw giving you guys missions to actually kill people was kind of a lost cause so he decided to try and salvage what he could.

Alright, I think the assassins and Velasquez are related by blood. That’s the only thing saving these assassins from their own execution.

I'm not sure what Righty wants with you. He probably just sees a chance for money. I don't like those types of people.

I'll bet that he wants you instead. Velasquez has promised lots of money. An amount that Righty could never deny.

Be wary of what he tells you. His lust for gold could mean subterfuge. He'll frighten you into feeling vulnerable. And that's when he'll give you his pitch. He's a great salesman -- that's for sure.

But Konrad and I on the other hand? We have nothing to hide from you. If he wants to meet you -- by all means.

I have some mail to check in the meantime. As well as some immigration papers to file. I suppose I'll be seeing you later, then.

So let me get this straight: you're okay with the person you're supposed to personally escort to the king going down alone in the basement with a person you've told us is your bitter rival?

Then why not have the two fools bring the player along with them to the immigration place or wherever they are going? Beyond having to make new characters and art for this, I mean.

I'll just be here -- twiddling my thumbs. I don't get to be involved in anything fun. I mean, not that checking mail is "fun". Oh -- one more thing, though. If Righty wants to team up with us? Tell him to go find his own savior.

This seems like a missed opportunity to add an actual choice, ‘cause I do want to try and go with Righty. I want nothing to do with these two fools.

He's always after a huge sum of money. But he'll pretend that's not the case. I bet he'll want to "mend things" with us. And at that -- I'd laugh in his face. It's business, and we're rivals. I'm not doing anything with that man again.

I nod. I wasn't aware they had a history like this. But suddenly -- some of their actions made sense. It seems like everyone here was related in some way. They all had pasts that intertwined with one another.

This paragraph writes a check the game can't cash. How is everyone in this bar 'intertwined'? Righty knew Endymion and Konrad beforehand, and apparently Konrad and Endymion regularly trash PB's bar. That isn't exactly a thick web of connections.

I start to walk in the same direction as Righty. I hoped that this cellar would be easy to find. And sure enough -- it actually is.

I see a large wooden door, with a drawing taped to it. It's a cartoon wine bottle -- with arms and legs. Upon closer inspection, it has a wide beaming smile.

In the corner it says: "This is my best friend!" And underneath that -- it's signed by Phidget. That's cute. I'll compliment him later. But for now, I was on a mission of importance.

Friends with the bottle, huh Phidget?

If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it? Your mom would love to see the ceremony, if her eyes weren’t rotten out of her skull.



Probably to remind us not to start any forest fires.