Part 14: Shock the Hobo (with special guest inthesto!)

How are you fine folks this evening? Today’s special guest is inthesto, who’s seen firsthand just how deep this hole of poorly-written spiders goes.

My commentary will be provided by Pam Body Garf Head, an abomination that somehow puts me under less duress than this game.



Let's go down alone in the wine cellar where nobody can hear us and talk to the man we've been told is dangerous! This is a good idea!

We harp on the writing in this game non-stop, because there’s always things to harp on, but take a good look at that screenshot for a moment. The second sentence is a completely redundant fragment, something that the writer just fucking loves doing. Then in the third sentence, he switches tenses within a single sentence. How can anyone be so technically incompetent at writing?



Unless Rabies is standing right next to the candles, I don't think he should be able to feel their heat.

The only light in this place is from the candles. And if you take a moment to notice the background, it’s pretty damn well-lit. It would take a lot of candles to get that kind of light. Of course, the dev never thought to connect the visuals to the writing.

I scan this place to the best of my ability. But for the life of me -- I can't find Righty.

Hey.

I jump through the air in fright. How in the world did he get behind me?

Based on everything the game's shown us, Rabies has the wisdom and perception of a dead cat. Is Righty sneaking up on them really that big a testament to his mad skills?

Oh -- did I frighten you? My apologies, Rabies. Did you make sure to close the door?

You mean the one that's still open in the background behind you?

I nod. He seems pretty paranoid about all of this. Either that -- or he's about to tell me something big. I'm actually not sure what would be worse right now. So instead, I stare at him with an inquisitive silence.

What the fuck is an “inquisitive silence”?



Unfortunately I'm playing Major/Minor, which has wasting time embedded into its DNA.

“Wasting time isn’t in my nature,” he said in a completely redundant fashion, thereby wasting time.

I've been following you.

He's been following me? That's really creepy.

Ever since you arrived on Terra. I watched you drop into that forest. I watched you make your way to Ryeli.

Ryeli? That must be the name of this town.

In the dread town of Ryeli, furries lie dead yet dreaming.

I know who you are -- and your mission here. So you don't have to hide anything from me.

Why does this script have so many god damn em-dashes? Why? Just use a fucking comma!

Why would he be following me like that? And how did he know about the ritual.



Okay.

If Righty's been following Rabies ever since he arrived on Terra, how did Konrad and Endymion, TRAINED ASSASSINS, not notice a giant fucking bear following them around?

And if he was following them the whole way, how did he get to the tavern before them?

Because Major\Minor is a masterwork piece of art that has transcended the constraints of linear time. Or the writer is an idiot. Take your pick.

I don't think you fully understand things. But then again -- neither do the Assassins. They are simply being used by the King.

Spoiler alert: We’re still not gonna understand a single thing after this is done.

Huh...?

Give me a chance to explain myself first. I assure you that I am not against you. I value your life and your safety.

If I wanted to hurt you -- I would have. After all, I'm blocking the only exit.

That's a pretty terrifying way to reassure me. But he spoke the truth, as harsh as it was.

I don’t think “I’m not killing you right now” qualifies as a “harsh truth”.



Already did that when I bought this game!

You bought it for me and I had the wisdom to send that shit right back to your Steam account.

I shrug and decide to listen. I wasn't in a position to make an educated decision. I move to the wall and press my back against it.

Now where should I begin?

He takes a few moments before speaking. As if he's lost in thought.

Here’s another one of the writer’s exceptionally shitty habits: Starting sentence fragments with “as if”. As if the constant descriptive fragments weren’t bad enough, by starting them with “as if”, they actually sound sarcastic and end up inverting the meaning. Seriously, I can’t read those bits without hearing a really catty valley girl in my head.

Let's start with the issue of Velasquez. I have some very condemning evidence. He's lying. Playing at a sinister scheme. He's touted you as "The Savior" to everyone. Thanks to your friends, this is spreading. But I know this was also part of his plan.



Wait a minute, so Velasquez banked on those two idiots not being able to keep a secret?

I have to be wary of what he says. I was told he could resort to deceit. If he's against them -- he's against the King as well. So it makes sense that he'd want me to change sides.

“Maybe he’s not being honest and wants me on his side for some reason he’s not telling me. I should be a bit skeptical.” See how much fucking easier that was?

Now I don't know exactly what he's hiding. Because he's extremely good at hiding it. But I just know that it's there.

Endymion and Konrad are too far gone to see. Now I'm glad I didn't become an Assassin. I was close -- but backed out near the end.

The way they keep capitalizing 'Assassin' makes me feel like Ubisoft's gonna sue the shit out of somebody.

Velasquez had a ruthless "litmus test". In order to join, I had to--Well I had to do something unthinkable.



Did the oath just not fucking apply to the fact that you were almost an assassin?

“I almost told you what the horrible thing was, but the writer couldn’t find an episode of Naruto to rip off, so it will forever remain a mystery.”

I had a man undercover in the castle. His job was to extract anything he could. I'm led to believe he found something big.

I know that you might not believe me. Or at least -- my world alone. So that is why I have evidence.

Velasquez caught my undercover agent. He directed his efforts into capturing him. His name was Caylen. My top mercenary.

Hey -- I recognize that name. That's who Endymion and Konrad are expecting mail from.

Caylen was undercover as a royal servant. Velasquez needed him silenced immediately. So he gave Caylen a condemning order.

He asked Caylen to help ruin Plair. They'd plant fake evidence at his estate. Together -- they'd ruin his campaign.

If he denied, his cover would be blown. As his reputation as a mercenary ruined. You're useless if you can't hold your cover.

Velasquez had him in a "checkmate". He had no choice but to accept the mission. So he went on to disprupt [sic] Plair's rally.



Couldn't he have denied the order under the pretense of "I'm a fucking servant, get your assassins that everyone knows about to do it."

It seems a little too precise to be a coincidence.

And Endymion and Konrad helped the King. They think they are exposing Lord Plair. But this was a ploy to get Caylen in jail.

Your friend will find his mailbox empty. Velasquez has already attained his goal. The empty mailbox will be proof enough.

Plair has top-notch security on his estate. Caylen will not be able to follow through. He will simply starve and die in prison.

How did Konrad and Endymion not know this? Did they just expect Caylen to somehow send mail to them from a prison that's known for having high security?

I know that Velasquez hates Lord Plair. But this plan has nothing to do with that. If anything -- he wants Plair to help out. Plair will keep Caylen under constant watch. And after a week, he'll starve to death. Taking all of the evidence with him.



This is not a puzzle. Konrad and Endymion just went along with orders that clearly didn't make sense.

Nothing that just got explained makes a god damn lick of sense. When Caylen was working for Righty, just what the hell was he supposed to get evidence of? It’s just stated that Caylen was gathering evidence for something and we have no idea how or why Righty was trying to undermine Plair. But Velasquez is trying to oppose Plair too, so he… undermines the agent already doing the work he wants done???



And this only reinforces my point. Everything he just said makes it seem less like the two are totally obedient to Velasquez and more that they'd have to consult a manual to solve a square peg puzzle.

Caylen was very skilled at stealth. There was no reason to capture him. He could've planted evidence in the night.

I’ve reread this update twice and I still don’t understand this set of sentences. Planted evidence of what? What the hell was Righty’s goal in having an agent in Plair’s estate?

And why not ask Endymion and Konrad? They have Plair's unconditional trust. They could've easily planted evidence.

You know what's really easy to do to someone when you have their unconditional trust? Stab them in their sleep! You know, like assassins do!

This game hasn't even given us a handwavy "he'd become a martyr" excuse for why they haven't killed him. We just have to sit back and accept at face value that they haven't even considered the option.

Considering it was part of the plan for Endymion and Konrad to blab about the whole Savior nonsense, “they’re too dumb to kill a guy” is the most likely explanation.

It makes absolutely no sense. But they serve without question. I fear they are leading you to your demise. And if you doubt what I'm saying? Well -- they did the same to Caylen. He will die unless he gets broken out.

Even when they find their mailbox empty? I don't think they will realize the truth. They will still take you right to the King.



I thought you said they were totally obedient to Velasquez. Wouldn't money not matter to them if that was the case?

Isn’t Caylen working for Velasquez now? Isn’t it in Endymion and Konrad’s best interests to spring him? Man, I don’t even know anymore.

But me? I value your life. I want to keep you safe from the King. And safe from those two heartless killers.

'Heartless' seems a bit harsh. 'Brainless', on the other hand...



Righty what is with your obsession with getting Velasquez nude?

I'm sure that you hold common sense. We can't just let Caylen die in a cell. Nor can we let Velasquez win like that!

“Hold common sense” is not the last time the writer will get a common English saying wrong.

Upstairs -- I was just putting on an act. I wanted it to seem like a sales pitch. Please maintain that facade for me, okay?



Endymion and Konrad let Rabies wander off with no supervision, does it really matter why they came down here?

He lets out a sigh.

I wish I could've gone [sic] to you first. I would have spared so much trouble. No doubt you are extremely confused.

If I found you first, you'd be fine. It makes more sense with a clear head. An open mind -- like the other one had.



Other one? But we're the only-

oh no.





Oh helllllll no.





RIGHTY YOU STOP THIS SHIT RIGHT NOW





NO



I HATE THIS GODDAMN GAME





I see at least some characters have taken up my suggestion of hanging in a dark alley with a killer on the loose.

Oh look, a completely random jump to a completely unrelated storyline! Pacing and momentum? What’s that???



I can't escape from Kila, how do you think I feel?



Hey look, another neon furry!



And of course, the furry with lightning bolts on his ears in named Shock.

He has fucking neon lightning bolts on his ears.

So?

I just wanted to talk to you about this. I know it must be affecting you somehow. You were childhood friends, you know.

You should go back to your contest winners. Seems to me that they were more obsessed. Why don't you go interrupt -their- sleep?

There's something about this sentence that makes it seems like Shock was actually sleeping in this filthy back alley.



He's giving Shock the gift of Rook, and isn't that what everyone wants?

Hey, remember how Rook’s entire characterization was that he lacks social graces and is generally an inappropriate person? No? Well neither did the writer!



If Shock's only character trait is that he dunks on every other character in the game, I can live with that.

Sorry for caring.

I know why you really called this meeting. You don't care about how I feel at all. You care about whether or not I'm staying. Now cut to the chase. None of this is about my friend. It's all about how our careers will change.



And since this is Rook we're talking about, every other person in Tokyo knows too.



GO FOR THE THROAT, SHOCK. AIM FOR THE TABLET!

Grr--!

Now I told you to cut to the chase. What's the real reason you called me here?

Fine. I guess I'll pretend not to care.

There's something you're good at.

Singe decided to restructure the tour. Opening night will be a memorial service. You know -- like a vigil in Klace's honor.

Also reworking the tour into this elaborate retelling of the Japanese creation myth is probably gonna cost us millions and we'll be lucky to break even. You in?



Singe has a lot of things right now. Most of them are connected on the wall with red yarn as he tries to unravel the Great Rhinoceros-Winston Churchill-The Clowns in My Brain Conspiracy.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Singe wrote the entire Terra storyline we just sat through.



Mostly to riot and set a few police cars on fire.

That makes more sense. Here I thought he might've grown a heart.

...

He wanted me to ask you something. If perhaps you'd make a little speech. You know -- as a childhood friend of Klace.

Just use. A fucking. Comma.



They'll have a face to put to the Klace Riots of '17!

I'll think about it.

Really? He was one of your best friends. This is his memorial service, you know. You really have to think about this...?



You know what? From now on I request that you mentally fill in the word 'Indeed' with the Tim Allen grunt.

Also, there will be a big announcement. Dazz will take Klace's place in the tour. We would appreciate it if you stayed.

Rocker is going to stay. He's pledged his services to Dazz. What do you think about that, Shock?

For fuck’s sake, they’re musicians in a band, not knights swearing fealty to a feudal lord.

I think that I'll have to think about it.

Very well.

Can I go now?

Shock is tired and that filthy cardboard bed stained with expired milk has his name on it.

I suppose. But first -- about the contest winners. They are not precious to me. The contest was Klace's idea, Shock. I did it for him -- and now he's gone. They'll wake up to some horrible news. Assuming they haven't heard it already.

You mean great news!

“They are not precious to me” when talking about a person is seriously straight from a fucking Naruto fansub. The writer of this game is seriously what you get when a person is raised on anime.

In fact, we might even send them home. Singe needs to decide what we'll do. I'll have you know they don't impact me.

Got it.



Get a bunch of really stupid-looking glowing tattoos you can never remove?





Despite looking every bit a shitty OC, I like the cut of Shock's jib.

I, on the other hand, cannot mentally divorce the trash talking Shock from the person who paid to be in this game. No matter how awesome Shock is when shitting on other characters, his premise is forever tainted.

Wow. And people think I'm a jerk.



Of course, nature cannot tolerate a vacuum so we trade Shock for Dazz.



Is there an 'elation' stage of grief? Because I'm experiencing that.

That's a fact. I could see it on his face. I guess we all handle things differently.

Yeah -- some more harmful than others. Thanks for coming to see me at least.

No problem. Is there anything I can do? If I can help in any way, please tell me.

Please button up your shirt, for starters.

Well I know that you were with Singe. Perhaps you have some information for me? Aside from your promotion, I mean.

Singe told me about that directly. But I don't know much else. Other than the changes to opening night.

Well, I talked with Rocker for a bit. He seemed more interested in mythology. So I tried to get out of there quickly.

Sounds like him. It's admirable though. He's still able to study while abroad. If only he didn't show it off all the time.

What's he working on? A PhD in Unsolicited Mythology?

What a fucking awful explanation for that stupid mythology infodump. “This character likes to show off his knowledge! It’s true because somebody else said it about that character!”

Yeah, it can be a little troublesome. I could give you a big lecture, though. Especially on the creation of Japan.

You're implying I couldn't do the same. Remember -- I work with him every day.

Does Rocker pull that shit on anyone he can get alone with?



That's a hell of a segue.

Really? You think I'd know about that. My mailbox is usually flooded all night.

The police are even keeping it a secret. But they've found a culprit. At least -- for half of the cases.

This person confessed to being a "copy cat". They were responsible for the gun murders.

The is absolutely no narrative reason for there to be a copycat killer. This plot thread never goes anywhere and is only in the story because the writer is a petty piece of shit. But more on that later. A lot later, because this story has zero sense of pacing.

Interesting.

They have a solid alibi for all other cases. So now we're left with a bunch of suicides.

"Oh, those murders? Yeah, those weren't me."



Why is the game bothering to show us this expert detective work when it's already outright said it was Endymion and Konrad fucking up the ritual? Does Klace really think it's intriguing to see characters, one of which we've never even met yet, bumble around to solve a mystery that's already been solved?

Remember, this game is all about your relationships with other characters! Yeah, remember that tagline from the game’s promotional materials?

And with no evidence left behind, either. It seems as if the bodies are moved. It's the only way this makes sense.

So there's another killer out there, then?

It seems to be that way. But the police don't care. They're closing the case in the morning. They'll just be labelled as suicides. Even though that's physically impossible.



STOP USING THAT WORD.



Is Dazz proposing straight-up vigilantism?

So you want to play detective now?

I have a hunch that the dev originally wanted to put in some Ace Attorney knockoff investigations here, but realized he did not have the skills to do that. Rather than edit the script to expunge this useless nonsense, he just said “fuck it” and left all this garbage because who cares about wasting the player’s time?

I want to know who did this to us. Don't you? I want to know who killed them.

I'd rather not know. Don't you read? Finding the culprit makes you a target. Just someone else they need to silence.

I'd advise you to drop it, Dazz. We don't need to lose another idol. We need to work on moving forward together.

Here's something else I've noticed: there are a lot of sentences where the same word is used as the first word multiple times in a row. It's not a big thing, but just something else to throw onto the Klace-can't-write-for-shit-pile.

...

You have a point. But Singe didn't back down so easily.

He never does. What did he do now?

He already has a suspect in mind. Klace's bodyguard.

Really?

Yeah -- and it kind of makes sense. The murders started when we arrived. And the scenes seem expertly tampered with.



Dazz is talking about Kalibur, a character that was removed from the game early on and replaced with someone else. More on that in a later update.

As I said, the dev and writer for this game is a petty piece of shit.

Seems too simple to me.

I thought so at first. But Singe called him in for questioning. And that's where it gets more suspicious.



To get away from you people, maybe?

He figured out how to win Major\Minor: By not playing at all.