Part 8: Curry is now a Schedule I controlled substance.

I used the same example back in the ToyRobos. Jesus Christ, the game is nearly impenetrable at times! I never did figure out what most of the items were. The fuck is a HelpBL? HelpBowl? But that's a discussion for another thread.



Fuckup Tally: 93

Here we go again.



As the tournament board showed, we're up against a generic Normal Navi opponent. Considering the alternative is fucking VideoMan, this is a breath of fresh air. Remember this: everything you will see in this update is not anywhere near as atrociously horrible as VideoMan's scenario.



Lan makes a valid if naive assumption here. Generic Navi opponents are always easier than customized alternatives. That doesn't mean that they aren't annoying due to the stupid teleport-randomly movement.



Enter Flave. He goes on for a little while about cooking and NetBattling and how he won't be easy just because he doesn't have a ___Man.Exe Navi for us to fight.



Fuckup Tally: 94

He's wearing a fucking chef hat, MegaMan. Gosh, I don't know.



I haven't brought it up since MMBN2, but the translation of names continues to confuse me. Last names are never translated unless a character is known only by that last name, such as Dr. Regal (And there'll be some spoilerrific fun about that one later) or Dr. Froid from MMBN1. First names may or may not be translated, such as Yuuichiro and Haruka Hikari having a son named Lan.

Now we have Flave Yamakawa. Okay, Capcom of America, whatever you say...



Sort of true. Generic Navi opponents all differ in minor ways aside from HP. For one, the chip(s) that the Navi is equipped with changes depending on the fight, which viruses HeelNavis summon vary, and the standard MiniBomb/Sword/Cannon attacks can have varieties such as CrossBomb/WideSword/Hi-Cannon, which Flave's unnamed Navi has.

Nothing to worry about, though the fact that the game can have Navis equipped with seemingly any chip in the game offers terrifying prospects for whatever Hog Butcher or other hackers come up with...



All over Castillo are people dressed in Navi Costumes, which as I've mentioned is a traditional sight gag.

Fuckup Tally: 95

Which doesn't explain how this guy is levitating.



Introducing: The Scenario Gimmick. That thing Flave has in front of him is a Cooking Machine. Creative name, I know.



How it works is that the operator sets the ingredients into the machine, which transmits data to the Navi. The Navi cooks the food data, and the machine imitates the Navi's actions.

So it's a machine that lets Navis cook for humans. Much like NetBattling, the operator does basically nothing at all while the Navi does everything.



Flave makes curry, and asks this random guy in the audience to taste it. Only, he's no random old man. He's the head chef of the 200-year old Electopia Cooking Association or whatever!



I'll give Capcom of America a rare, grudging nod of approval for not pulling a 4Kids and calling the curry "stew" or something.



Flave's curry is so good, the geezer has a near death experience. Interesting, I'd have thought that would be the case with really BAD food. Unless the flavor comes from MSG or HFCS, shitloads of grease, etc.



But no, he insists that it tastes so good he almost got sent up to heaven. Where his wife's been for the last decade, apparently. This'll come back later for an even more insane reprise, just you wait. What have I been saying this whole time?

MMBN4. Always. Gets. Worse.



Dumbass McEatsALot decides that he wants to try the curry even though he really doesn't even like it.

Kind of a bizarre thing here. From what I understood from reading the episode synopses on that website I mentioned, Lan actually enjoys curry quite a bit. Either this is a quirk of translation, or just the games and anime being separate. I think there's other mentions in-series of Lan liking curry, but I obviously don't remember something that would have been in one throwaway line of dialogue.



Fuckup Tally: 96

Out of context, you can't tell this is a mistake. Lan finds the curry delicious, but that it lacks something. Flave is incredulous, and I assume that this is another case of "Used the Wrong Mugshot" from Capcom.



Lan, having no sense of manners, decides he prefers his mother's curry more. This is part of what I meant by sort of remembering curry being brought up before as food Lan likes, Haruka may or may not have made curry before, and if she did, Lan said it was his favorite. I know he said something was his favorite, just not what that was.

Hey, it's a potential Fuckup of inconsistency here, and I've made the tally my obsession for this LP. How else am I supposed to stay motivated?



Flave is naturally rather offended by Lan's rejection of his curry, considering what it just did to the old guy.



Firing right back, Lan makes the valid point that anyone with a Navi could use that Cooking Machine to make good curry. The operator doesn't matter at all, true, though the Navi's skill would affect the food, obviously.



There we go, our Stupid Conflict Ex Machina.



Anything you can do, I can do better, because I'm the protagonist!



Goddammit Lan, now we have to learn how to use the machine, how to cook curry, and how to play one of the game's horrible minigames.



Contrived aid from a stranger time, as usual via email.



Signed, the Cooking Master. Hey, a guy who had no way of knowing what just happened back there is telling us he can help!



We never see the Cooking Master, but we do meet his Navi proxy.



"tHE mAStEr HaS TOlD mE tO inSTruCt yOu iN THe uSe Of ThE cOoKInG MAcHinE..."



"ThE MAstEr wIlL AnSWeR aFTeR YOu pERfoRm a SeRIEs oF tEdIOuS tASks."



Gotta love how MegaMen wears the chef hat over his helmet. You may have been expecting a Cooking Mama-ish interface for the Navi, or at least something similar to what actually preparing food is like.

Naaaah.

First, the ingredients fall from the sky into the pan. You press the B button to cut food with precisely awkward timing due to the isometric view making it fucking impossible to judge exact depth.



You don't cut the meat though, because that comes pre-sliced. If the meat can come pre-sliced, why not the rest of the ingredients? The justification that comes to mind is that the actual, physical meat itself is sold cut already, while the other ingredients aren't. Oh fine.



Phase 2 of Cooking introduces viruses into the mix. They just kind of show up and throw themselves into the cooking pan because viruses only have a "fuck things up" code, not a "continue existing" code. You don't have to fight them, you just punch them away with the A button as they fall. If use miss one, it counts as a mistake.

And yes, you can (and likely will) slice up the viruses by pressing B instead, this still counts as a mistake. But it's still kind of hilarious to mutilate a cute little Mettaur and somehow mess up the food.

After Phase 2, Phase 3 swaps the ingredients for blocks of curry, while viruses continue to be mixed in. Cut the curry with B, punch the viruses with A, it's the same thing as before except faster.



Phase 4-oh wait no.

Fuckup Tally: 97

After we've finished slicing everything, we're done cooking! Yes, the machine probably handles cooking, but let's look at a step-by-step of what's going on here:

Step 1: Chop Potatoes/Carrots/Onions! Don't cut the meat!
Step 2: Keep cutting! Get rid of viruses!
Step 3: KEEP. CUTTING. This time with curry blocks. No viruses!
Step 4: Machine cooks food.
Step 5: DELICIOUS!

If cutting properly is the only thing the Navi does, what in the hell is the point?

What about spices or liquid ingredients? Curry is Indian food, spices are essential! And you can't just lump all the chopped ingredients into the pan/pot/fuckitwhatever, meat takes longer to cook right than onions, let alone the ideal cook times of the other ingredients! And what kind of meat are you using? I'll assume beef because the in-game sprite meat is red, but then that brings up what cut of beef you're using! Basic ground beef? Brisket? Shank? Sirloin? It's world-class curry, obviously they'd use high-quality meat. The meat is the most vital ingredient in any food containing it!

If the machine can identify foods and cook them individually for a specific end result meal, why can't it cut the ingredients itself? Cutting is the EASIEST part of making gourmet food, that's the part you let enthusiastic children (who won't lop their fingers off) handle while you take care of managing the oven, stove, grill, or whatever.

We can add fucking COOKING to the eternally-growing list of things Capcom gets totally fucking wrong.



This is part of my rant, see? Quality food requires quality ingredients. Specifically, the very best ingredients on the market. Fortunately, we don't have to pay ourselves, but we do have to track down the Navi who sells them. The Cooking Master sent word ahead, but even still, the Navi'll be reluctant to give us the ingredients. Hey, food is fucking expensive if you buy the good stuff.



This is the "Run around the Cyberworld" section that every scenario features. Fortunately, it isn't much of a hunt.



Because everything in the Hawk Tournament winds up here at the end of ParkArea3. Why the merchant is a Black HealNavi sprite I don't know, those are usually reserved for nasty-as-heck thug leaders. Black market ingredients, perhaps?

Soylent Curry is...people!



Guess what that entails?



3 rounds of viruses! Oh, look, ColorPoint and SuperVulcan!



Seeing our little demonstration, the merchant agrees to sell us his Soylent Ingredients.



Fuckup Tally: 98

Yes, all item names are given that compressed shorthand, but because this is just an event flag and not an actual item, there's no NEED for that. I suspect that we originally did get an "Ingrednt" item, but the scenario was later altered for whatever reason.

Fuckup Tally: 99

And come to think of it, that's still a singular noun referring to multiple ingredients.



The Cooking Master is helping us because he wants Flave to lose. You'd think that would be an obvious motivation, but oh well.



More specifically, he wants Flave to learn that skill, quality ingredients, a bullshit magic cooking machine, and experience aren't what makes a good dish.

You need love!



It never uses the term exactly, mind you, "affection" and "tenderness" are substituted. Same thing.

After this, we head over to MelSquare to get this Cooking Battle underway.

I've recorded it in video form, because it just has to be seen to be believed. Especially the cutscene immediately afterwards!



For the sake of organization, though, I've taken screenshots of the Fuckups.

Fuckup Tally: 100





Fuckup Tally: 101



...Fucking flicker-based special effects!

Well, this WAS a screenshot of the most ridiculous part of the cooking battle, for those too lazy to view the video. Now it just looks like Lan's curry was so horrific that it's made the poor guy start hallucinating.

It might be the game getting to me, but why do I find this so hilarious?

: "Lan, are you sure that we made it right? What's he doing?"

: "Well, we just cooked with beef, carrots, onions, potatoes, and curry! How could it have..."

: "Wait, what do you mean? There were mushrooms in there!"

: "But I didn't have any of those!"

: "THEY GREW ON THEIR OWN!?"

: "Is this what happens when you let too many viruses into the food?"

: "My dear wife! Why are you sprouting tusks and screaming!?"



Anyway, we won the Cooking Battle, but that leaves the NetBattle.




Surprise, the Cooking Master is Flave's father. Trying to teach his son a lesson about cooking right. Flave takes it to heart now that we've beaten him twice, at least.



The main reason I've been dreading BurnerMan is because I was always completely terrible at fighting him. Let's see if I've gotten better over the years next update, shall we?



If you insist. I still think Roll Soul is the worst though.



HURRR I AM TREE