Part 15: Mission Briefing

Phatt Island is under siege by fascist terrorists who have been very naughty indeed.




Ensure that your packs are adequate stocked with delicious beer before departing from Booty Island at 0500 sharp.




You are then required to drink aforementioned beer and attempt to steer the ship using various hilariously innapropriate body parts.




Unfortunately, our crack sciency type research team was mauled by a horde of angry rhesus monkeys...




...They weren't able to stop that bug in the cloaking device that makes it a gigantic obvious red line...




Once you arrive, you are instructed to announce your arrival to anyone within earshot.




Be sure to emphasise that you are a conspicuous outsider.




The place is crawling with guards, it is important to let them know who's boss.



Yes?


Aren't you Guybrush Threepwood?


No, my name is Smith, you must have me confused with someone else.


Smith, eh? That's an unusual name. Perhaps you have some identification?


I must have left it in my other pants...


That's the second lamest excuse I've ever heard. You'd better come with me. Governor Phatt would like a word with you.



We can not adequately predict what the situation will be once you are there, intelligence is a little hung over today.




You may be required to utilise sophisticated diversionary tactics.




Once touched down, you must proceed directly to the co-ordinates enclosed to rendevous with Team B.




You must bring them urgently required medical beer. They've been dry for days out there.




Then you are instructed to drink said beer and proceed on foot towards the south side of the island.




There you will find Governor Phatt's fabulous mansion, which you are to infiltrate and locate Governor Phatt himself.




He will be the portly gentleman marinating in his own filth.




If you are to prod his belly, he will giggle delightfully in glee!




Now then, Governor Phatt's entire operation relies on one thing...




...His specially designed Big-Fat-Greasy-Nasty-Twelve-Sandwich-Eating-Motherfucker-O-Matic.




Once you sever the food lines, Governor Phatt will be stranded.




You will have sixty seconds to escape the mansion before he goes off.



Well Mr Threepwood, I can't tell you how pleased I am to have you here as my guest.


I can't say I care much for your method of invitation.


I simply wanted to ensure that you wouldn't slip away before we had a chance to meet. There's something I'd like to discuss.


Such as how much it must cost to keep you in food?


Be careful upon whose toes you tread, Mr Threepwood.


At least I can SEE your toes.


Why, you-- Oh, excuse me.




Let's get down to why you're here shall we? I intend to SELL you. To the ghost pirate LeChuck.


LeChuck's dead. I killed him.


Maybe you didn't kill him quite as thoroughly as you imagine.


Oh no!




I beg your pardon, did you say something?


I took care of LeChuck once, I can do it again!


You'll get your chance. See, LeChuck has put a sizable bounty on your head.


Oh?


A bounty I intend to collect.



Ensure that you keep out of poking stick reach and call him a fatty.



Why, you! You can figure it out while you wait in jail for LeChuck to pick you up.



We have provided a selection of witty phrases to choose from to remark as you make your escape.





I'll BE back!




In the unlikely event that you're captured... Uh...




Um... Try not to get captured.




Good luck with that, I'm going to Disneyland and riding the pirates of the caribbean ride... HQ out.




Fuck.