Part 145: Episode CXXXVIX: BattleBots

Episode CXXXIX: BattleBots


Music: Forest Kingdom (Quiet)



Hey, did you know Animal-loving Machine and his moose are totally fine? It’s true! Good for him. Especially with the Forest Kingdom guerilla fighters hiding out in bushes and up trees a few paces ahead. None of them can stand up against the might of a moose, so they’ll all be fine. Scientist Machine and the Machine Lifeform Space Program are also perfectly fine too. Remember that time we accidentally paid to send a machine to Mars? Such innocent times...

Edit: Actually, Scientist Machine ate it during the purge of Pascal's Village. The space program is still fine. Someone can come along to pick up his work at a later date.





Anyway, let’s return to the nightmare hellscape that is late-stage capitalism downloadable content. Our next stop is one I neglected to show off earlier because the Forest Kingdom is enough of an obnoxious area to traverse that I never knew this one existed until the DLC came about. There’s a waterfall in the northeastern corner of the Forest Zone which hides another elevator with a machine lifeform sentry. Let’s see what he has to say...



...You are recognized as a friend. Permission to enter granted.



Bud, you’ve clearly got a hold of an out of date database regarding 9S’s relationship with the machines there... But if you say so. This is the only arena that is only available to 9S. There’s a very good reason for that which we’ll see shortly. But first a quiet elevator ride...




DLC Music: Colosseum



Didn’t you read the music track, 9S? It’s a Colosseum. Sheesh.



As with the Trial of Sand, there are a number of robots idling about for our android to converse with before going to the receptionist to begin the DLC fights proper. Let’s take a look around first.



This dude knows what’s up. Now you’ve got to take it one step further and get a sick paint job on that set-up. Flames and shit, ya know? But don’t you dare come back here with an anime babe slapped on the side of that thing. You’ll be dead to me if that happens, machine.



410,757,864,530 DEAD MACHINES and like 90% of them were idiots like you with a sword. Yeah... maybe rethink the melee method, my guy.



Spoilers: His dad died. No moral.



Shoot ‘em in the kneecap and suplex. Incredibly effective every time.



I’d be a shame to let all these parts go to waste, no?



So this machine is a DLC materials shop. It sells assort upgrade components at reasonable prices. Of particular note: Rusted Clumps, Titanium Alloy, Broken Keys, Broken Circuits, Rusty Bolts, Severed Cables and Broken Batteries were all materials that previously had to be farmed and were not sold by a vendor. Granted, a few basically grew on trees from common machine drops but still... It’s nice! The rest of the entries only appeared in one of Emil’s randomized inventory which was its own pain in the ass. So this is a nice speed boost to maxing out all of the weapons to unlock the final sidequest.







Beyond the colosseum’s entry hall are two long hallways which house idle machines, all of a different type. They’re just chilling out.



We’re told to buzz off and check in at the front desk if we try to interact with any of ‘em. There’s a certain protocol to follow here, 9S. C’mon. Show some tact.





Sure... we’ll get to that in a minute. But if we run past the receptionist and up some stairs, we’ll come to the Colosseum proper. I’m glad Adam left behind his interest in blood sports to spread to the rest of his brethren. We can chat up some of the participants as they cheer on their favored mechanical gladiator.



Ugh, no no no no NO. Did you even study theory!?
Good luck! I’m rooting for all of you!



Dance like a butterfly and sting like a bee!
Shhh! I’m trying to concentrate on the match!
Go! Go! Smash them all to a pulp!



Yep. Lemme guess, it’s harvest parts leftover from fallen gladiators? Pfft... That doesn’t even register on the grim scale. We’ve still got the cores of a bunch of dead robot children who commited suicide out of fear and had their parts harvested by their memory wiped kindly uncle. We don’t even *know* these idiots fighting in the ring.



My money’s on the large bipedal unit!
My money’s on the medium-size bipedal unit!
...I’m rootin’ for ya.
What he said!

OK. That’s enough bugging spectators. Let’s return to the front desk and see what this DLC arena is all about...



Huh!? What are you—
Identification confirmed. Have you ever used a machine?
Er, I’m not sure what you mean?
So you are new. First time in arena.
Yes, but—
We hold championships. Fights. We find strongest machine in the world. Prizes await. Good good prizes. Prizes for winners. Competitors sign in at front desk.
The hell is going on here...?
You are in?
<Sure, why not?>



So begins the Underground Colosseum sidequest. Again, this is a DLC exclusive quest that does not affect our completion percentage. Let’s hear more about the details and why only 9S can do this arena...



...You understand how machines feel. That body there. You can handle it.
Huh?



Good luck. Good good luck.
<Ask for an explanation.>
What would you like to ask about?
<How does this work.>
The rules are simple. You just select the difficulty here at the reception... And then choose which machine you want to control. That’s all.
<How do I take over machines?>
Taking control of us is simple. Just hack into a machine without getting noticed. I recommend sneaking up from behind.
...
I’m only telling you this because I want this place to thrive... If anyone finds out, I’ll become target practice, so let’s keep this between us, okay?
<What do levels mean?>
The level of the body you control is based on your own level.



OK. So this arena is about utilizing that whole barely utilized mechanic where 9S can hijack machines and pit ‘em against other machines. Which I suppose is a decent use of a mechanic that probably had a lot of time put into it and can be completely ignored by the player outside of one or two sections. The first rank of the Underground Colosseum battles is Level 40. I think we can handle that for a taste of what’s to come...



All of the machines we found idling about in the hallways are machine types 9S previously hijacked during normal gameplay. We can select from any of ‘em like mechanical Pokémon for the fight. Given our experiences, it’s fairly obvious what the go-to machine is for being reasonably competent.



Aww... what? C’mon! Tch... Fine... We’ll take a medium-biped.



I don’t like the phrasing of that question, but yes. We’ll chose you, chief.



The last order of business, at least with the humanoid biped machines, is to select their weapon of choice. I don’t think this one is dictated by which ones we’ve hijacked in-game. Given almost every arena fight has featured aerial enemies, I’m going to go ahead and say melee only machines might find that problematic... So let’s go with a gun, hoss. Just in case...




Music: Song of the Ancients ~ Atonement



It’s time to battle for your future! Nooooow... FIGHT!



The ultimate match finally begins. Who will leave this arena alive? Medium Biped? Or the fearsome Stubby? Place your bets now...



The biggest challenge of this arena is figuring out what the hell the controls do for any given machines. You’d think the Pod Fire button would shoot your gun arm. But nope! That makes our boy fire a bunch of energy orbs into the air that I have literally never been hit with or seen anything get hit with in the 140+ hours I have been playing this game now...



Turns out the light attack is the normal targeted gun cannon shot... Given his gun is his default attack, I suppose that makes sense. It’s worth noting that Hacking is disabled for this arena. That wouldn’t be remotely fair. The game will just angrily announce that function is disabled with a warning on the HUD.

Once the Stubby is destroyed, we move onto the next wave. This arena also features three waves of foes per match. Next up is...



...My god. His defense is immaculate. Gunner Medium-Biped has never faced a more dangerous foe. Granted, it presumably never went up against anyone from YoRHa so maybe the bar is a tad lower than most...





Luckily, our Pod Fire equivalent function is a giant fuck-off concentrated laser cannon. Turns out that outclasses a welding mask. Who knew?







The terrible battle of machine against machine was waged long into the night. Or... after like five more Stubbies got blasted into bits. That gun arm is pretty OK considering those guys were a joke during normal gameplay.



...Then again, we did have 23 Levels over the competition. That could have shifted things in our machine’s favor too. But details.




Music: Colosseum



This arena difficult, so I give you reward sooner. Aren’t I nice?





Our reward for completing the first tier of Underground Colosseum matches is a brand new costume for 9S. Included with the DLC are new outfits for all three androids. 9S gets his right out of the gate.





It’s Brother Nier’s costume from the first half of NieR: Gestalt. Brother Nier looked like a total dweeb in that and now 9S can follow suit. Alas, 9S can never wear pants. Such is his fate.



That concludes our initial tour of the Underground Colosseum. Tune in next time as we venture to the coast to check out the third and final DLC arena and maybe pick up some more cosmetics for our other androids along the way.






Video: Episode 139 Highlight Reel





9S Young Brother Nier Costume Render – Did you cut off your pants legs to make double sleeves...? Or is that... TRIPLE sleeves? Wha?



Young Brother Nier Official Art – Just for comparison’s sake. He had WAY stupider looking hair in-game. Like an even more moronic Cloud Strife anime look.