The Let's Play Archive


by really queer Christmas

Part 61: Broken Hearted

UPDATE 61: Broken Hearted

A long long time ago... There existed an evil woman by the name of Sweetheart. So named, because a curse was placed on her to be the opposite of sweet, and to hold a heart of ice in her hole shaped chest. The evil Sweetheart grew to be lonely, as no one could stand her presence for much too long except for the equally vile and stupid Sprout Moles (editor's note: this is a kid's story, what are you doing going on a tirade about this fantasy race?). Sweetheart hoped to alleviate the loneliness in her heart, and so she sought out the help of three witches who lived in the belly of a whale. Sweetheart was rich, you see! Surely she could enlist the aid of these witches with a bit of money...

When Sweetheart met these witches, they each made a partner for Sweetheart that was beyond even the average person's wildest expectations! The first of these witches, Molly, created a robot version of Sweetheart named Roboheart. Roboheart was too pure of soul for Sweetheart to take, and so she cast her aside - left to be as lonely as she. This loneliness ate the Robot up inside and so she left the comfort of the witches and searched for her true soulmate.

But then one day, a party of four approached Roboheart - who had been trying to sulk but found that Molly had bought the cheap version of her tear ducts, and thus she couldn't cry. The party consisted of a boy who was short, but incredibly energetic, a girl with a lot of anger but a heart of gold and a boy with empty eyes who seemed to be as pained and lonely as she was. But then, she spotted the fourth party member - a boy who was tall, with a messy head, but who was otherwise absolutely perfect. "Wow, you are handsome!" Roboheart replied.

Watch out, everyone. It's that robot! She's a killing machine!

The boy remarked back to her. Roboheart felt puzzled. A killing machine? Well, she was made to be a killer cook! Maybe that's what the boy meant? She decided to work up the courage to ask him directly how he felt about her.

"Will you love me?"

Roboheart exclaimed from the bottom of her robotic heart. Her malfunctioning tear ducts failing to resonate the tears that she could only imagine were welling up inside her.


We have to stop it before it kills somebody. You're going down, killer robot!

As Roboheart processed the words of the short boy and angry girl, she realized what the four thought of her. That she was evil, just like her creator and her mother - Sweetheart. She realized she had to change their mind, if only to finally quench the feelings of solitude that existed within her.


Roboheart knew she had to act fast! These kids looked dangerous, and the boy she fell in love with was listening to the other kids and believed that she was evil! She decided to show the kids that with the power of her rocket arms, she could give them all a hug at the same time! She was sure this would win them over! But she underestimated how hard her rocket arms were as she launched them... right into the angry girl's face...

All that did was make the girl feel even angrier and swear to kill the killer robot. Roboheart grew despondent... but wait, what's this? The boy she was so infatuated with... he was smiling?

Did the trick with her rocket arms actually work? Did she actually convince the kids that she wasn't evil? That she was worthy of being loved? The boy with the empty eyes walked up to the so called killer robot, and this metal creature suddenly felt like she was truly flesh and blood. As she began to understand how humans truly feel when the words he spoke reached her sensors...

"We're gonna make sure you never kill anyone."

She was crushed. She felt... a sadness that even the loneliest night had never made her feel. As the kids began attacking her in earnest, she could only struggle as she tried to croak out the words

"My life is suffering!"

The kids, seemingly deaf to her cries of anguish, continued to beat on the poor robot. Even as she refused to attack back and just eat her snacks that she swiped from Molly's laboratory.

As the damage to her chassis continued, she looked around the nearly empty room hoping for anyone to come to her aid... with the near last of her strength she managed to utter through her nearly destroyed voice box

"Help... M..."

She couldn't even finish before a basketball smacked her voicebox and turned what voice she had into pure static. The white noise became overwhelming... but slowly calming as she began to embrace oblivion.

"Why?" She wondered. What had she done in her short time on this earth to be so throughly discarded by this world. A world that seemingly only knew cruelty and misfortune.

It's a good thing no one was hurt... or even worse... killed...

The kids continued on their journey, never once thinking again about the robot who's heart... had been melted like gold. (editor's note: Again, kid's story, what the hell is this edgy garbage? Rewrite this!)

The evil donut known as Sweetheart, was still yet lonely, and had two more witches to visit in her quest to satiate the pain that dwelled within her soul. The Sea witch known as Marina was as eccentric as they come - with a smile as wide as the moon and teeth as sharp as a razor. She promised Sweetheart the perfect match for a creature such as her and began to work on a new creation that would surely go against the laws of heaven. Soon, the scientist emerged with a grin - introducing a character with... a melting chin. "H-Henno..." the creature mumbled with a smile that was ugly as sin but hid a soul unblemished by it. Sweetheart could not stand the creature who she called Mutantheart and stormed off in anger, knowing that her opportunities were now dwindling. But the so called Mutantheart was not bothered by this, she continued to smile no matter the hardships that came her way.

While Mutantheart continued to remain blissfully ignorant of the harshness of the world she had been born into, a group of four kids made their way to her and one of them, with eyes that betrayed a lack of soul, stepped close to her and poked her. Thinking this was a game, she responded in the only way that made sense to her.

She poked the creature back! At first, the kid seemed taken aback by this gesture, but a small smile appeared on his face. And he reached his hand out and began to pet the Mutant. Mutantheart was esctatic! Something inside her felt... happy? What was this feeling that overcame her? She just... wanted to move...

The Mutant creature danced and danced like there was no tomorrow! She could hardly explain or even understand what came over her, but she felt the need to just dance the night away! Well, that was until she noticed the children again... who seemed... terrified? At least, she thinks terrified was the word. Their faces weren't happy, and there weren't any smiles anymore.


Mutantheart was unsure about the formation the kids all formed around her, but she still couldn't help but smile! And if she was going to smile, so should the kids!

At first, the kids seemed unsure or afraid of what she had said. The mutant really didn't understand why, but she decided to wait and see if they started smiling like her. And it turns out, they did! One of the kids pulled out some confetti and threw it up in the air! It was such a sight to see! Everyone was laughing and smiling!

It was almost enough to make Mutantheart not notice the other boy and the girl proceed to whaling on her with some very strange abilities that hurt, quite a lot!

The pain from the blows were just too much and the young mutant felt tears well up in her eyes... this expression of sadness touched the young boy with no soul in his eyes. The smile that was on his face proceeded to fade.

While she was not happy about the pain, Mutantheart was even more unhappy to see the boy no longer smiling. She decided to play a prank on the boy and give him a little slap on the wrist... Unfortunately for Mutantheart, she was not aware of the strength that had been imbued within her. And she proceeded to slap the boy so hard he flew into the wall and was severely damaged.

Despite the grievous injuries the boy withstood, he continued to stand and fight against the so called mutant, who was starting to seem no longer as oblivious to the situation. As she then demanded that all the kids be as angry as she was! The girl was happy to show the meanest face Mutantheart had ever seen, with the other three boys each showing some degree of... anger.

Upon realizing that she had said something mean to the girl, Mutantheart felt sad. She didn't want to be mean to the kids, they were playing with her! Granted, their play seemed to be quite... painful at times, she had no one else to play with; she wanted to make the most of it!

The kids obliged with the Mutant and all looked quite sad. It made the mutant feel better! The bout of anger everyone felt at each other was soon to be ended! And then they can go back to playing again! Or well, so she thought.

The sadness on the kid's faces had melted her heart and she wanted to stop the fighting! But... it was too late.

Before she could even tell the kids what she wanted to play next, the mutant's smile was permanently melted onto her face... as her head went flying into the next room. (Editor's note: It just ends here? What is the moral of this story? This is like a fever dream made manifest.)

The viciously malevolent danish known as Sweetheart (Editor's note: Way too many big words for kids, dumb it down) had only one chance left to truly grasp the happiness she had spent her life searching for. Sweetheart ventured into the dark and odious lab of the Sea Witch known as Medusa. Medusa, was the youngest of the three witches, yet she possessed the greatest intellect and calmest demeanor of the sisters. Medusa promised Sweetheart the most perfect of creations and creatures under the heavens would belong solely to her. A great and mischievous grin etched its way on the face of the devilish baked good. Truly she would finally have the contentedness she sought...

When the blinding light that had appeared over the creation had faded, there she stood. A creature truly worth the title of most pulchritudinous (Editor's note: Is this even a word???). A soul made of feather, a smile made of flowers, and with eyes made of stars. This creature was truly... perfect. Perfectheart she was called. Heh, too perfect, Sweetheart remarked. Jealously oozed out of the putrid pastry and she could barely hold it back. This creature was better than her, she knew it, the creature knew it, Medusa knew it, God knew it. Refusing to even acknowledge the creation's existence, Sweetheart stormed out - unfulfilled and more empty than before. Because she wanted everyone to know, that truly she was the most perfect creature...

It was, but a few moments after this, when Perfectheart stumbled upon Sweetheart herself. She had been ambushed by some of those nasty Humphrey creatures. Bruised and battered, without her intervention, Sweetheart was sure to fall in battle. So of course, the perfect creation helped make sure the faulty creator was saved - to the later's great chagrin. Perfectheart believed very strongly in her perfect little (but perfectly sized!) heart that Sweetheart could be saved! She would teach her some humility and understanding what it was like to be a servant to the dreaded Sweetheart. It was during these teachings... that four children appeared before her. She knew who they were, of course she did - they had killed her sisters. The sweet and misunderstood Roboheart, the quiet but endearing Mutantheart. Both laid slain before these terrible toddlers. She wouldn't let them get past her.

Of course, she was still perfect... I mean, she's Perfectheart! She had to be sporting about this! You can't just allow your opponent to walk directly into the trap - that's undignified! They needed to be alerted to how stupid they were being.

The grin across her face grows and the fear on the children's face becomes substantial... as they realize what they have done.

They've challenged a demon to a duel in hell.


Perfectheart rises into the air, above the puny and scared children. With a crazed, but perfect smile, she let's them know:

Tee-Hee Time

One of the kids pulls out a megaphone and proceeds to make the others angry, they all turn their anger towards her who's heart is perfect... They are foolish for doing so, and she decides to let them know that in the... perfect way possible.

How could one be angry, without a voice or even a will to be angry? Perfectheart laughed to herself as she enjoyed the humor of it.

Still, the kids continued to encourage each other and thrive through the power of friendship... what drivel!

What better way to disrupt their morale than a nice song? The kids become distracted, one of them even begins to dance! Truly everything was going according to plan.

Well... that was until the dead eyed kid began to... just stare at her. For the first time ever, a soul that was perfect... felt a little uneasy about her situation, like she... just wanted to run away. Still, she continued to persist.

And persist she did! The angry little girl who wouldn't stop swinging her bat around, she was so easily manipulated - so easily fooled. One could say it was... the perfect trap!

Despite her continued resistance to the children, they were really starting to wear down her defenses. She was starting to grow tired and somewhat bored of this, after all, some angry people beating up on a sad and perfect little girl? How boring! She thought a nice game of Innie Minnie Miney Moe would make things a bit more fun. And so, she pointed at each kid... "Eenie... Minnie... Miney..."


Even with the child seeming to be near lifeless, he was still capable of such ferocious attacks! For his own good, Perfectheart had to do something!

And that something... was to be... perfect...

Perfectheart had enough of these games, she would just unleash her wrath on these pathetic children! After all, she was the perfect one! Not these little sniveling brats!

Two of the children seemingly turned into toast before Perfectheart's eyes! It was almost hard to believe, but for one so perfect, anything was comprehensible.

The two kids left standing gaged the situation and the horror in their eyes was palpable as they realized just how much more of this battle they would have to endure. They thought it was almost over, that they had nearly won! To have their hopes dashed along the rocks... It was so perfect.

The kids didn't seem to understand the situation, they acted like this attack was just some one off super move. Who does that? This attack is working, and she's not using anything else until she wins!

Unfortunately for Perfectheart... it seems the kids had a lot of snacks and candy in their backpack. And no matter how hard she damaged them, the kids would just munch down on more food and manage to stave off another round of her attacks! She felt like this was cheating, how is it fair for her to fight with kids who can just recover so much every turn? No matter, as the perfect one, she must avenge her fallen sisters!

Several rounds of fighting continued to pass without the stalemate having been broken... when suddenly... Perfectheart... noticed something flowing down her head... something she'd never felt the sensation of before...

These kids were truly testing what it means to be perfect... she began to worry, was this not enough? She knew they didn't have much left... but neither did she...

With all that had happened thus far... Perfectheart could hardly believe it as the kids managed to not only keep fighting, but seemed to break out into a formation around her. How could their morale be so strong? How could they manage to keep fighting her with such anger, such force?

As the kids all looked at each other with smiles and then back at Perfectheart... she knew what was about to happen... that vile creation, that loathsome spirit, that disgusting perversion!

The power... of friendship.

Though she was magnanimous to the kids, her insides burned with the fury of a wronged mother. She had fought so hard, so... PERFECT. And yet... here she was... on the losing side. She wasn't perfect at all... she was...

Imperfect. The End. (editor's note: What the hell kind of kid's story is this? There was no moral, there was no point, this is just nihilism and pointless misery... You know what? Fuck it, sell it as a YA fiction and I'm in).