The Let's Play Archive

Paladin's Quest

by Stayton

Part 15: I am in Your Base. Your Dudes are in Serious Peril

Sorry about the long delays between updates. I've been busy with a couple things and learning how to animate gifs. I'm hoping to get back up to a couple solid updates a day soon.

Previously, on Let's Play: Paladin's Quest
As part of a resistance plot to destroy the Dal Gren knockoff, Noi Gren Johnny and Mindy infiltrated a parade in celebration of Lord Zaygos. Assuming Zaygos must be an idiot Johnny and Mindy approached him brazenly. Zaygos proved he was more than a stereotypical villain by recognizing them on sight. Then just to prove he wasn't above using an effective old standby, sprung a trapdoor beneath their feet. Dropping them into an gladiator style arena.

Zaygos then set Lokiarn, the monster of Noi Gren on our heroes as a demonstration of the creature's power to the crowd. Before doing this he showed an extreme level of competence by confiscating the sacred items of Kormu, and draining their potion bottles. With no way to heal themselves or damage the creature they were quickly defeated. Johnny's last conscious memory was Mindy falling before Lokiarn.

Ugh. Mindy? Thank God you're alive. You feeling okay? Yeah I'm a little sore too. At least you still have pants. Hmm we're in a holding cell of some kind. You know, prison is about the last place I'd want to be without pants. Well I've still got my shield and my boots. Perhaps I can use the laces to make the shield into one of those barrel things you often see folks wearing after they lost everything in a poker game. Pants aside though, if I want to keep you form being passed around as currency I'd better assert my dominance right away.

Yo dog! You see tha bitch up behind me? Yea, she be my bitch and nobody else's got dat?

Yeah that's a tough break. Well nice meeting you, and don't try to stick it in Mindy, she'll break your fingers.

Yeah it sucked no question. Wow, you two are the nicest prisoners ever. I feel like I could safely drop the soap with you two around. Which, now that I think about i,t may be just what you want. Think we can find a way out of here Mindy?

Neat, a force field. I wonder how he keeps it up. Zaygos continues to surprise me. If it were just a normal cell we could blast out of here in a second. He's not taking any chances.

Let's see maybe if I fiddle with the emitter here... Wow, I haven't even touched it and there's already exploding going on. I'm damn good at what I do.

Wow looks like the resistance came to rescue us. Have you seen my sword around by chance? Yes, I know it's Kormu's sword, but I'm the one using it right now okay.

See Mindy I told you that Fiery had to be important if she was showing up at every resistance base we visited.

This is Firey. As a poster pointed out the women of her race appears to have a caterpillar on her head. Rather than ascribe to the zombie theory I think when a woman of this race is married she removes the traditional caterpillar hat, and dons an elaborate and beautiful butterfly themed headdress which she wears for the rest of her days. This is used to keep women from running away from their husbands. Which in turn means they have to give up anal because they can't get away. Isn't culture grand? She knows a bit of magic and prefers to use assassin type weapons, like blowguns she bought on Ebay.

You blew through a wall this thick? Color me impressed. Wouldn't it have been easier to blow up the things that project the forcefield? Yeah that's a good point, it wouldn't have been nearly as cool.

Would I like free potion refills? Are you never moving from that spot?

For some reason there is a mercenary for hire here. I have no idea why or how.

Even though he advertises himself as a warrior genius he is clearly a spiritualist. He can call himself whatever he wants though because we are in desperate need of another group member.

With a full team once more we headed down the south corridor to a flight of stairs. I began to notice a disturbing lack of guards. While still in my underwear I was taken by a great desire to just kill as many of Zaygos' minions as I could during our escape.

The stairs led to the arena area Mindy and I were defeated in an short time ago. It seems the crowd had not yet dispersed. Yes random civilian, if by climax you mean the end of the world.

Eh, they covered way too much skin for my taste.

Hold up. Gabnid built Dal Gren? That makes sense, but it's something someone should have brought to my attention ages ago. I mean, I just thought the immortals contained Dal Gren, now you're telling me one of them built it? This is information that I need to know. If I ever see Daphne again I'm asking her for a full accounting of Dal Gren's history.

Since we weren't going to get through that crowd we decided to return to the main chamber and try the eastern passage. Despite Fiery's excessive use of explosives no alarms have yet sounded. Zaygos must have ordered all his minions to stand down while he gloated.

My first hint everything was not on the up and up was this fancy looking terminal. Upon closer inspection it's just spray painted cardboard. The buttons don't even move.

No direction to go but forward. Let's see what's up these stairs.

Wow that's an impressive glass walkway. After the cardboard terminal I'm not sure I want to stand on it, but as usual there isn't any other way for me to go.

It's pretty solid.

I think I'll point out here that what looked like giant crosses censored into swords for the North American release are, in fact, actually giant swords. With doors in the hilts. Let's see what's inside.

At this point guards start attacking us. They're a bit lethargic, and I speculate everyone was pretty drunk from partying down.

Okay you've got a fancy glass walkway leading to this big empty room with what looks like a planetarium projector in it. That might be neat, but it isn't plugged in. I don't even see anywhere to plug it in.

Nothing for it but to press onward.

What's that Mindy? You're self conscious about walking around on a glass walkway in a skirt? Well I've got two things to say about that. First, I'm walking around with two attractive ladies in nothing but boots and boxers with little hearts. This is why you might notice I'm blushing like a lobster. Second, we're a good three hundred feet in the air. Even if somebody happened to look up they wouldn't be able to make out any details anyway. Though if you like I could shout "Yes indeed, she has a very nice can!". No Mindy, pushing me off the walkway wouldn't be a good idea. I think there's a room on the next platform too, let's check it out.

Looks like another empty room. Zaygos should really go something grand with these. He could be in poon as deep as he wanted with the right decor for these places.

Strike that, there's a treasure chest. I wonder what's inside. I'm hoping for pants myself.

Hey Mindy. Remember how I said we were underestimating Zaygos? I was wrong. Idiot put the freakin' sword of Kormu in a freakin' treasure chest. Then he leaves it unguarded. Say it with me now Mindy. What. A. Retard.

You know, I'm glad I got the sword back, but I'd still rather have gotten some pants.

Yet another room.

And yet another chest.

Containing yet another one of Kormu's items. He should have scattered these things across his country by the fastest means possible. I cannot believe we lost to this guy.

Mindy I know you're gong to clobber me for this. But you're blushing more than I am when we're walking over this glass. You... You're wearing underwear right? Ah, if I must know you're worried it's a little sheer? I see. What are they made of then, silk? Oww. Alright I'll shut up.

This just in: An Pan rocks my socks. Film at eleven.

No! I will not trade you. My boxers are all that stand between my boys, my precious few recently sprouted pubes, and the elements. I'm not trading for whatever little number you got stored under there. On a final note just tell me you aren't wearing a thong, I always thought those were kinda gross. You wouldn't be caught dead in butt floss? Good. Because there's a better than even chance we'll be dead before this day is over.

Another platform, another room, another treasure chest. Comeon chest, Johnny needs a new pair of pants.

My old pair of pants is also acceptable. Hell, that's better than a new pair of pants. Breaking in new pants is about the worst thing you can do in combat.

This platform looks different than the others. This means it's where we want to go.

Woah, woah! You mean to tell me that Zaygos stored the Kormu items on the path to his death engine. The same death engine which can only be destroyed by those same items? That's quite the boner he committed isn't it? Mindy, let's make him pay. Once again donning pants has filled me with hope and confidence.

One potato, two potato, three potato, four. Which one of these delicate machines should I smash with my big sword first!

We have a volunteer!

It's about time tall, green, and ugly got a taste of the blade.

Here's the battle plan. Since I'm the only one that can actually hurt this thing everyone just try to keep me and yourselves alive. I'm going to hit him until he stops moving. It's a simple strategy, but all the best ones are.

This is one rematch you'll wish you never volunteered for. Eat the pointy end of my sword! Ha-Ha! That white flashing background is very bad for you!

I hurt him! Okay now we just have to stay alive long enough to finish him off. This is going to be a long fight.

Actually it only took a few more hits to kill him. I only had to heal Johnny once.

That's right! Next time opt for the fair fight the first time and save yourself the humiliation of proving just how lame you are the second time around!

Defeated? That's too kind a word. How about You mercilessly kicked the ass of Lokiran, and also made Zaygos look like a chump for building something so crappy. Three freakin' hits you girly lookin' asshat!

Shit my sword!

Shit my hat!
Shit my pants! Not again! I just got them back.

That's great Fiery. Really great. Mindy should give me a congratulatory kiss great. But even this great victory is hollow when you don't have any pants. I really miss pants.

Great, I have no pants, and eveything's exploding. Is that? Yes Zaygos chose this moment of all moments to finally show up. He must have heard there was a young man with no pants in the area and rushed to the scene. What a faggot!

Could we call a truce, and you could fetch me some pants. Once I have pants I'll be happy to punch you in the face a few times.

Wait Fiery. If you're going to commit heroic suicide, as the Japanese are all too eager to do, could you toss me your pants? I know they're women's pants, and they're a size or two small for me on a good day, but I really, really need pants.

Also Mindy would like your underpants. She's looking for something sensible made from thick cotton!

Before our heroes can get any clothing from her Fiery blows the bridge in classic RPG fashion.

Yeah, about that. I'm pretty sure that's can't without the Kormu items. Which are now small shards lying about the floor. Still, if you're determined to go all kamikaze on us I guess we'd better run before this whole place collapses.

You know Mindy I hadn't noticed before, but the whole swords stabbing spheres thing underneath us is strange. Do you think it has something to do with Gren construction? Or does Zaygos just have at thing for messed up imagery that would require a psychology degree to decipher? Yeah I think you're right. We can talk about it later. Let's get the hell out of here.

When Fiery said hole she meant bottomless pit. I'm glad G isn't here. He'd be spraying urine in every direction. I should be terrified, but this is a slow fall and certainly not a plummet by any means. You think the destruction of Noi Gern is dicking with gravity? Or maybe it has something to do with those spheres with the swords in them? Well I don't suppose it matters, other than I wonder where we're going to land. Oh by the way Mindy. As we're falling I must say the view is spectacular from where I am. By that I of course mean that I don't know what you were blushing about when we were walking over glass. Silk boyshorts are a modest yet sexy alternative to the granny panties that I saw in your drawer back home. Yeah I know you're going to beat me unmercifully me when we land, but it was so worth it to see you blush like that. You look adorable. Also don't worry about blades getting an eyeful, as he is clearly gay. Well here comes the bottom.


Ugh. I guess landing on your head at any speed is inadvisable. Where are we?

This is the third time I've woken up in my underwear with no idea of where I was today. Couldn't one of those times have been in bed with five or so sexy ladies? Instead of in a death arena, a prison cell, or a, a... What the hell is this place anyway?
To Be Continued!

For some reason this chapter felt like a real doozy to write even though it was about the most fun I've had in this thread so far. I'd like to thank all of you for your continued readership and feedback. On a personal note I've got to say I really enjoy writing this thread. I've found that it's really boosted my creativity in the other writing I do, which is an unexpected bonus.

On a note about the future, I remember this next part of the game as being long and arduous. Though that might just be my father's frequent refusal to level grind at work. I should have it up later today, as my work is ringing in the new year by being really slow. Which is good for the thread, and not the worst for me either.