The Let's Play Archive

Paladin's Quest

by Stayton

Part 4: Tiger, and the Naskuot Fried Purpbird Franchise.

Previously, on Let's Play: Paladin's Quest

In his quest to avert global destruction at the hands of the millennia old biomechanical horror Dal Gren. Johnny visited the village of Ratsurk. While there he learned a young girl named Mindy had been kidnapped. Assuming she was a foul smelling, hairy monster of minimal stature like the rest of the town's inhabitants, Johnny agreed to rescue her nevertheless.

While scouring a forested island for a trace of the missing girl he met Fritz. A woodsman who despite everything Johnny learned from TV and the internet, did not rape him, and in fact agreed to join Johnny on his search. Johnny thanked Fritz by burning his house down.

Eventually they discovered a series of caves on Fritz's island, and within them they found a strange creature who claimed responsibility for the kidnapping. After pounding him thoroughly Johnny was overjoyed to discover Mindy was actually pretty cute.

Fritz chose to stay on his island, and Johnny escorted Mindy Home. Her grateful father put Johnny up for the night, with promises of helpful information over breakfast the next morning.

Partially fulfilling the dreams of thirteen year old boys everywhere Mindy roused Johnny from a sound sleep in the night. Mindy informed him that she felt it was fate that they met, and she wanted to accompany him in his travels. Upon attempting to sneak out of her house they find Mindy's stepfather is already aware of their plans, but is strangely alright with two thirteen year-olds wandering the globe unsupervised. He gives Mindy a strange crown and tells the pair that they should head west. A woman named Daphne in the town of Jurayn may know of a way to stop Dal Gren. This leads us to...

Okay Mindy, finished saying goodbye? Your father said that should head west, so let's get across that bridge and get to it.

Adventure here we come!

On the road again

I just can't wait to get on the road again

The life I love is makin' music with my friends

And I just can't wait to get on the road again

On the Road again

We interrupt this country classic to bring you a fauna update. We have two new enemies for this area. The small insect things are called hedgehogs, appropriately enough they shoot spines at you. The thing that looks like a cross between Cousin It and a great ape is called a Kong. That strong pimpin' hand isn't just for show either. He will use it liberally on your face if given a chance. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

Goin' places that I've never been

Seein' things that I may never see again
And I can't wait to get on the road again

Hey Mindy! A pink hut strangely in the middle of nowhere. As adventurer types we should investigate.

Hello good sir! We were wondering if you knew the way to... Well yes I guess we have been walking all day, and could use a rest.

Okay we finished sleeping, and he insists at once we should sleep some more. Uhh wegottagobye!

Well Mindy, having successfully escaped from the strangely insistent that you sleep in his house guy, and his wife Missus Savesyourgame. I'm at a loss as to what should be done next.

Actually yeah, now that you mention it that green thing to the north does look kinda funny. Let's investigate.

Holy hell! How did we get up here? I distinctly remember not climbing up here! Mindy you okay? Is this a town? It's a bunch of buildings connected by a series of tight ropes and balance beams. I guess this is where circus people live during the off season.

A Skuruu mobile camp? Is this the world's largest mobile home? Look pal floating a bunch of houses in the air and tying them together with rope does not a world record make. It's a good thing we're not afraid of heights. I don't care if you all have wings, what about visitors? Like me and my lovely companion here. Please direct me to your board of tourism. Something needs to be done about this. No doubt several lives have been lost already.

What a Spartan office. Good day sir, oh who am I kidding you're just going to ignore me and spout off about whatever. So say your random thing Randomy the random villager.

Okay birds hate fire. Speaking as someone with experience with fire magic, most living things don't much like being set aflame.

After crawling around on the precariously placed ropes for hours Mindy and Johnny make it to the Skuruu elder's house. They both hope he can tell them what madness would lead them to build a town of such horrific design. The elder's son doubles as a doorman in this small town

Your father is inside eh? Is he who I give a piece of my mind to? Because this place is nothing short of terrifying. Well at least I get to see the grandly appointed dwelling of the Skuruu elder.

Looks like furniture (and safety harnesses for visitors) is against the religion of whatever demented god the Skuruu pray to. And yes you great bald eagle, we are spiritualists. Why can't people just call us mages, it's much easier.

Of course you do. You couldn't just give us directions, send us on our merry and deal with your own problems could you? Let's get this over with, at least it means we get to have an awesome adventure.

So to summarize you're been outwitted by your herd animals and need our help? Well, I can't say no to an idiot in need.

Fly? I hate to tell you this, but Mindy and I don't have any wings. Anyway that son of yours seemed like the helpful type. We'll likely get a better explanation of what to do out of him than you anyway.

Am I ready to fight? I was born ready (this is my chance to show off how tough I am in front of Mindy). Yeah you wanna go sucka? I'll take you on the tightrope right now!

Wait what? Fly? What do you mean fly? One minute it's fight the next it's fly I don't have any wings dummy! Hang on? To what?

Oh shi-

Mindy, if I crap on your head I just want you to know it isn't a fetish or anything I'm just really, really terrified.

The ride is over, and I for one am just glad I didn't soil myself. Not as glad as Mindy is, but joyful nonetheless.

Introducing our new party member, Tiger. He's a twenty year-old male Skuruu. His interests include flying, herding purpbirds, and light bondage.

So the leader of the bird rebellion is at the top of this mountain? Well firstly this mountain looks more like a circus tent, but I guess that's splitting hairs. Lead on Tiger.

Actually while we're on the subject, why is a birdman like yourself named Tiger. Wouldn't Falcon, or Peregrine or even Peacock be more appropriate?

Thought I'd take a short break from the plot and show you a neat little feature from this game's combat system. When I choose to fight something I can choose to hit my target with any of my equipment, not just my weapon. I could bash with a shield, kick with a boot, or headbutt with a helmet. I'm sure that certain items in the game have certain special effects, but I don't know what they are, I don't have instructions.

Here's our new monster for the area. The purpbird, as stated earlier they're weak against fire magic.

According to intelligence gathered by Skuruu scouts the alpha purpbird is atop the mountain. Fortunately it's a straightforward climb, and this mountain is pretty scenic.


Mindy and I learned a lesson that day. Never trust a bridge built by bird people. Besides not really understanding the concept of a bridge, their hollow bones mean they greatly underestimate what the maximum carrying capacity should be.

Fake animated gif time.

*sputter* Well the bad news we nearly drowned. The good news is I got to see what Mindy looks like in a wet dress. God is so good to me. Say Mindy. Why don't we get you out of those soaked clothes to dry off.

Oddly enough Mindy insisted we press on, wet clothes and all. I told her she'd catch her death, and all I got was a before we started climbing this very tall ladder.

And then we had to run down again because a two ton boulder started chasing us ala Indiana Jones.

That must have been a +2 boulder of plot convenience. Lol! ADnD joke!

Hmm the dried up river bed as given us access to this treasure chest.

Sweet a leatherman! I always wanted one, but mom said I'd poke out my eyes.

That boulder blockage also gave us access to the area we were originally in as well.

We meet again Mr. Bridge. I was a fool to underestimate you last time. But now I am prepared.

Cower before my leatherman! I teach you to break! A good fixin's what you need. Nevemind that I don't have lumber or a hammer. The power of the leatherman compels you to be repaired.

With the bridge repaired we continue our ascent until we see our target, the most dangerous and rare of creatures, a clever purpbird.

Okay Birdo Prepare to eat it.

Okay, where the hell is he?
(Fake animated gif time again)

This bird's name is Jermly, and he really knows how to make an enterance.

Okay guys lets kick some bald bird butt!

Johnny casts fire! It's super effective!

Tiger casts dfup! It's super effective!

Mindy casts freeze! It's super defective!

Now I understand why these guys wanted my help. The flower of Skuruu youth was only able to do three damage to this bird with his patented Tiger Uppercut (get it! SFII LOL!).

Not much more to this fight, just me flam broiling this monstrous bird alive. Weird gland things and all.

Eventually he decides to be a sport and die.

and congratulations were given all around.

Tiger drags us unceremoniously into the sky once again. I guess it's only natural for a race blessed with the gift of flight to just suck all the joy and wonder right out of it.

Back at the Elder's house we get the closest thing to a celebration I've seen so far.

Yes I need a fifth of vodka and a beer bong stat! The only way I'm going to get the little lady behind me to put out is if she has a little visit from the booze fairy.

Well yeah we need to do that to, but first drunken, underage, sex!

He's going to do that weird drag us through the air thing again isn't he?

You know there's nothing in lieu about this. It is a parting gift.

Through the air again? I'm never getting used to this. Hell, how is this even possible Tiger? You're carrying approximately twice your body weight here, and flying at a high speed. Haven't you ever heard of they laws of physics?

We're slowing down so we must be getting close to the Jurayn. (watch that cave folks)

Sorry to be a drain on ya bud. Though to be fair you're the one who insisted on flying everwhere, showoff.

Which tunnel now? You mean that one there, in the southwest. The one you FLEW DIRECTLY OVER not two second ago? And what do you mean I should visit the hut? Where are you going?

Hey don't you leave the party, I'm not done talking to you. Hey don't you fly away! WHAT THE FUCK! Fuck you, you stupid birdman! I thought you said you'd used up all your strength, but you can still fly the fuck away after dropping us off in the middle of FUCKING NOWHERE! Oh fuck this!

Well Mindy, guess we don't have any choice but to check out that hut over there.
To Be Continued!