Part 52: Entry Forty-Seven: December 30th, 2009

Entry Forty-Seven: December 30th, 2009

Mood: ...
Music: ...

This is it.

I've gotta talk about something else to get my mind off what's gonna happen tomorrow or I swear to God I'm going to go insane. A lot's been going on lately, and I know I often say I need to calm down, but I swear I'm gonna snap unless I write.



Anyway, let's see...Christmas. I'd totally forgotten about it, to be honest. Can you blame me?





What else...oh, I've been hanging out with Mitsuru a lot lately. I got the last of the Chairman's gifts; apparently he'd had one set out for me before he...yeah.



We went to get Takoyaki at one point...that's worth mentioning, I guess.



I'm sorry, I'm really out of it right now.

Mitsuru: Sometimes I'm amazed at my ignorance of the world...what?! They don't accept credit cards?!



Mitsuru: Mmm...it tastes slightly sour...are there other ingredients in addition to the octopus? Well, whatever they may be, they taste absolutely delicious...c'est tres bon!




You know what's funny?





I never really thought about where these Social Link voices keep coming from. I would've thought they had to do with Ryoji, but we're separated now and I'm still hearing them. Huh.



Mitsuru: Don't you think Akihiko has been acting differently lately? I don't mean to be rude, it's just that I've known him for such a long time...perhaps he's just maturing. With all we've been through, it can be difficult to get over our pasts. However, Akihiko is trying to learn from his experiences. I'm very impressed by him.



Mitsuru: Perhaps I feel pressed for time because I'm the only one of us who isn't growing...let's just forget about this. ...Sorry for subjecting you to my incoherent ramblings.



She doesn't seem to be all there right now either, and I can't really blame her. We're just going through the motions at this point.



I had the next day off...



...and got another vision from Thanatos. I don't have to be sleeping anymore since I took full control of him.



Akihiko: Is this where you should be?
Ken: Well, I was planning to...but when I thought about what I was gonna say to her, it just didn't feel right. There are things I still need to do before I talk to her again.
Akihiko: Yeah, same here. I don't have anything I need to tell Shinji right now. ...I have my own stuff to deal with.
Ken: An undefeatable enemy, huh? Gosh, i wonder what it's like...
Akihiko: ...You got me.




Akihiko wants to fight, too...




...and so does Ken.




I went out walking around after that, seeing as Christmas was coming up and all.



Paulownia Mall was decorated and everything. It would've been nice if there weren't flyers for some kind of cult laying around all over the place. I dunno if I ever mentioned this, but Christmas used to be my favorite holiday. I'd start looking forward to it in the middle of August, I kid you not. Every single year. Now I've been too busy fighting monsters and shit like that to even think about it. Going to the mall really reminded me of what I've missed since then...

Why couldn't I have had a normal life? Why'd it have to be me standing there on that night ten years ago? What did I do to deserve this garbage, and why does it have to be me that has to shoulder all the responsibility for it? I've never really questioned it before now, you know that? I've spent all this time thinking about everyone else and how it's so important that I keep up with my friends or defeat Shadows; I've never took the time to think about what I want, or what decision I'm going to make.

Fuck.



There's Lost running around everywhere now. There's more and more on a daily basis, like they know what's coming.



I was up late the night before thinking about why my life was such a goddamn mess...



...and ended up sleeping through class that day. Oh well.



I got a text from Chihiro at lunchtime.

I'm sorry for waiting until the last minute to ask, but you know what day it is, right? It's Christmas. If you don't mind, can we spend some time together after school?





I didn't mind, so we headed to the mall.




I couldn't enjoy it, of course.



I was busy thinking about the end of the goddamn world.



I found myself thinking about why it had to be me once again. I could be having as good a time as she is, just enjoying her company like she enjoys mine...




...but no.



The last Christmas of my life, and I couldn't even relax with my girlfriend because I'm too busy thinking about if I should kill my friend for the good of the planet or not.





At least she made me an adorable gift.




I've kept it close ever since. I feel like it's helping me to keep a grip on reality somehow.





I've tried to imagine Chihiro as a member of the Lost, I don't think I've mentioned that.





It'd happen to her too. She'd just sit there and drool on herself until she starved to death. Same thing that'd happen to us all.



No matter what decision I make, I guess we really will all go together when we go, just like the song.



Kenji, too.



He's still preoccupied with the same crap...




...though I think the only one that's not surprised about his situation is him at this point.



Ms. Kanou: I didn't think he'd get so...he's just a kid...he must have misunderstood my...I thought he'd be relieved that I was being transferred...he said he wanted to...the other students are...




I figured I knew what Kenji's reaction would be...




...and lo and behold, I was right. Minato Arisato, Ace Detective.



I tried to console him, but it didn't go very well.




I'm still a little jealous, like I said awhile ago.




Sure, his life sucks now, but it'll get better...well, as "better" as it can get when he's as doomed as the rest of us, anyway.




Not like he knows that.




I wonder what it'd be like to live like him?





To have a real, normal life just like everyone else?





Akihiko and the others seem to be optimistic...



...but I don't know anymore. I've tried to keep my spirits up, but...I don't know.



The last day of school before winter vacation was the twenty-sixth.



I spent that afternoon with Mitsuru as she did research at the library.



She's optimistic, too.



Mitsuru: My inheritance...the future of Kirijo...and the expectations of everyone involved with both...most likely I won't be able to attend college or begin a profession. I will have to find another path.




How do you answer a question like that at a time like this? I stammered out something about it being based on compromise.






She didn't care much for that answer. Score one for me. I'm losing it, and this is proof.



Mitsuru: ...but as time passed, they slowly grew to love each other. I don't consider them unfortunate...love comes in all different forms. Do you disagree?

I stumbled on myself again, asking if she had a boyfriend.



Like I said, I'm losing it.

Mitsuru: I'm not very good at romantic relationships, and besides, I don't have any spare time to devote to another.




I did my best, I suppose.




Anything to take her mind off of things helps, I guess.





Anything to help her suffer a little less. I don't want anyone to feel like I do now.



Winter break started the day after that...



...and I had a vision of Fuuka and Junpei at Port Island Station.



Fuuka: What are you doing here?
Junpei: Nothing, really. I come here when I'm feeling down...
Fuuka: Is that Chidori's sketchbook?
Junpei: Yeah. This is where I first met her...



Fuuka: Oh, I went home for a bit. I've been going back there a lot lately.
Junpei: I see. You know, you've really changed, Fuuka. You're totally different from when you first came to the dorm.
Fuuka: Really...?
Junpei: Yeah. You were so timid back then, but now you're so...strong.
Fuuka: You've changed too, Junpei-kun.



Junpei: I mean, just the other day I got all freaked out about being scared...I'm such a wuss.
Fuuka: That's not true.
Junpei: But I really was scared...actually, I still am.



Junpei: If I forget everything, that means I'll forget Chidori, too...and I wouldn't even be alive right now if it wasn't for her, ya know?



Fuuka: You're scared because you're not running away...that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Junpei: Fuuka...
Fuuka: That's why I want to protect everyone...





Fuuka: ...and I want to be true to myself.
Junpei: True to yourself...you're really something, Fuuka.




Everyone but Aigis has chimed in...they all want to try and stand up to Nyx.



As for me? I've spent the past three days in bed, shuddering. I'm terrified. I've tried to play cool, to be the guy that does everything, knows everybody, never fails. I think it's finally come back to haunt me, because I still don't know what I'm going to do. I can't think of what I want, just what would be best for everyone else.

My life is a goddamn mess.



This morning, Yukari came and told me that Aigis was coming home.

Aigis Finds Her Purpose



We were all happy to see her again, of course.



Fuuka: Me too. I was fearing the worst...
Aigis: I'm a machine, so I can always be rebuilt. Even if I was completely destroyed, the programming data necessary to recreate me would still exist...
Yukari: Hey, don't talk about yourself like that!




Aigis: I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused...Mitsuru-san visited me at the lab and told me everything. That must have been difficult for you all to hear.




Aigis: I'm sorry. It's because I wasn't strong enough...ten years ago, I...what I did to you was...




Aigis: Ryoji has presented you with a difficult choice.





Aigis: I can't bear to see everyone hurting like this! Please choose to have your memories erased! Even if it means forgetting everything and everyone...



Junpei: Yeah, this isn't like you.
Aigis: ...
Mitsuru: What's wrong, Aigis?



Aigis: My mission is to protect humanity from Shadows...but now, I know that I can't defeat them! So then, why am I here?





Aigis seemed to feel like I did...





...but it's hard to stay pessimistic in the face of all that optimism. Even writing about it now, I'm feeling a little more cheerful.




Junpei knows all about not having a li--...this is no time for joking!



Aigis: ...but I can't fulfill that mission with the powers I was given. So then, what is my purpose now? Could someone please tell me?



She fell to her knees, consumed by inner turmoil...she was apparently much more real than I had thought.

Junpei: The only one who can tell you what your purpose is, is you. that's why we're having such a hard time making our decision. There's just no easy answer.





Junpei's right, now that I think back. I want to do what'll make everyone happy.



Fuuka: When I saw you collapse, I realized something. I want to protect you...I don't want to forget about you.
Aigis: Fuuka-san...





Mitsuru's right, too...hindsight really is crystal. We do have to make changes in our lives sometimes...I know I'm a different person than I was last April.





We're all different people now.





And that includes Aigis.



Aigis: I don't know how I'll do it, but I guess that is a part of living, too.



(Note the subtle change in Aigis' portrait; this is accompanied by a completely different tone in her voice acting.)



Aigis: Thank you! I will be with you all no matter what happens!



Writing about all this has helped me understand what I need to do...




...and after having heard everyone and taken the time to look back over what they said, I think I've made my decision, too.

There's no doubt in my mind that it's the right one now, and for the first time in awhile, I feel fine. I'm still scared of course, but at least that doubt and confusion is gone. If you guys are reading this...thanks. That's all I can really say. That includes you readers, too, if you're out there. I think you've steered me down the correct path...I'm grateful.

I'll write again soon, everyone.

Coming up in the next entry: The choice...