Part 187: 12/10-12/15: Fuck All Video Games Forever
Part 177: 12/10-12/15: Fuck All Video Games ForeverSorry folks, this update is going to be a little… tedious. See, this is going to be The One Where We Finish All Of The Rest Of The Video Games. It’s going to take six in-game days, and we’re going to do pretty much nothing else. Yeah. If you want to skip this one, well, I can’t say I blame you, but before you do that I feel it is my duty to inform you that this update also contains the single weirdest thing I have ever needed to do to progress in any video game I have ever played. Hopefully that’s intriguing enough that you decide to actually read this one.
Anon: moar like phantom GRIEF
Anon: Must be tough for Shido-san
Anon: Is Shido gonna apologize?
Anon: I’d never support them
Music: Suspicion
Especially Akechi-kun. He hasn’t said anything about it at all… I’m really worried about him!
I’m sure he’s just busy investigating. Just keep supporting the election and wait. 
...Once Shido spills the deets, this whole situation will flip. Once everyone hears the truth, I’m sure they’ll open their eyes! Dammit, Shido… How much longer do we have to wait? Music: Disquiet
Well, no, not really. They did manage to stop all the attacks on my blog though. The internet is so distracted by their comeback, no one has been attacking me for praising myself. Ah, their return to heroic form was truly smashing. It’s inspired me to be more courageous too. I shall watch what becomes of them while preparing to take dramatic action of my own in my career. 
The United Future has an overwhelming amount of support, with more than 50% of the votes. It may be difficult for the ruling party, the Liberal Co-Prosperity party, to turn things around. 
Shido’s party is going to win!? This is bad… 
First up, Train of Life.
Music: Train of Life
By the way, haven’t you read that secret technique book? If I remember correctly, I think you can roll the dice more times, increasing your chance of victory. 
This game is entirely luck-based, so no shame in using the cheats.
Ah, I see. Not only do the dice rolls move you forward, you can also use them to buy properties. I think things are going well right now. You could probably finish in first at this rate. 
I’ll let you go if you can satisfy me, blorp! You’ll have three chances, blorp! Does this guy exist just to get in our way…? If you can roll my favorite secret number or higher, I’ll let you pass, blorp! You can roll the dice up to three times if you want, blorp! You’ll never guess my secret number though… Blorp! So we need to roll at least his secret number…? But he didn’t even give us a hint… I guess we should just try to get the highest number possible.
The tricky thing here is that despite getting to re-roll, you still have to guess if your number is good enough. I threw away a perfectly good nine chasing something better, and ended up getting an eight on my very last roll, meaning I was stuck with it. Hope that’s good enough!
Also most of these images are not of what I actually rolled, because I was too lazy to wait until the dice stopped to take my screenshots!
OK then, your number is 8, blorp! As for the secret number… do you remember my name, blorp? It’s Octavius… Octa, as in the number eight! Gluhuhuhu! Glorg, you’ve bested my secret number trial! I guess I’ll be retreating then, blorp! Huh. Octavius writhed away into the sunset… All right, let’s head onward to the goal! 
But it seems you at least learned how to have a big heart even in the face of brutally unfair requests. What? Maaku gains Kindness +2.
Anyway, we’re going to do that another eleven times today. Strap the fuck in.
Music: Beneath the Mask -Rain-
Music: Train of Life
Awesome, we’re starting off well… and we have a good amount of money too! This intermediate course is looking pretty simple… 
Wait, there’s something rising up out of the ground… is that a gate? We can’t pass through...
Give me a number to open the gate, snap! I’ll give you three chances, snap! Another one of these weirdos… We’re so unlucky… So, the numbers that open this lock are three, five, seven and nine, snap! Roll two dice and make sure they add up to one of those, snap! I’ll give you three chances, snap! So this all depends on your luck… I think you can do it! Time for the first roll, snap! It seems like the technique is in effect… You can now roll the dice 5 times instead. 
You… You’re impressive, snap! I’ll let you through, snap! Oooh… The gate’s opening! All right, let’s head onward to the goal! 
Maaku gains Kindness +2.
Anon: this site’s still up? :o
Anon: My scandal sense’s tingling!
Anon: This isn’t debunked yet?
Anon: this is a murder warning…
Music: Disquiet
Here’s what we’ve got for you today! A Hunger Charm! It’s perfect for dieting!Should you really be selling something that reduces appetite like that? That seems pretty fucked up.
It makes you lose your appetite? That’s kind of terrifying, but also really tempting and exciting! And it can be yours… For the incredibly low price of 19800 yen!
We don’t need this, but whatever.
Music: Train of Life
Our opponents are extra tough, since it’s the last level… But I think things are going well for now… We’ll probably end up in first place at this rate! 
Shoot, a hole opened up in the ground and swallowed our piece… Wait, is that some kind of gun!? 
The Google Image results for “anthropomorphic gun” have somehow less anime than I was expecting.
If you don’t give me a number I like, I’m gonna blast you all the way back to the beginning! The train of oddballs just keeps on rolling… I’m all for multiples of four! That means you can get either four, eight, or twelve! Basically, if the sum of the two dice you roll is a multiple of four, you win! Naturally, you’ll have four shots at it. Now, if you win, let’s see… I’ll blast you to the finish line! Wait, so we can get all the way to the goal if we beat it…? Let’s do this, Maaku! Here comes the first roll! It seems like the technique is in effect… You can now roll the dice 6 times instead.
We whiff all six rolls. Damn pathetic is what it is.
Guess I’m just gonna have to shoot you back to the start then!
The arc on that shot is real sight to behold… 
RIP. Normally I’d just reload to save the day, but I… forgot to save before hitting the console this time, so we’re just going to proceed.
Maaku gains Kindness +1. Fucking up in a video game reduces the social stat gain, but still gives you some.
Is it too tough for you? We’ll just have to try again next time!Music: Beneath the Mask
These goddamn election cars are so loud too. They need to stop making me panic, dammit!
This seems to be more like a big party than an election…
Yeah, one that’s just for Shido.
News stories outside of Shido have dropped off the face of the map far too quickly.
He’s all people want to talk about. It’s like they aren’t interested in anything else. Is he brainwashing them?
Mind control, hm…? That does seem possible under these circumstances. If people stop thinking for themselves, they’ll be free from both anxiety and responsibility. And Shido’s the perfect thing to put their trust in. All that’s left is to believe that he can bring them happiness, then they’re all set. I can’t believe this… Either way, we have to do everything we can. Brainwashing…? I guess that’s one way to look at it. Let’s show people the truth behind all of this!
Shady Commodities got new stock in today. It’s just new laundry armor, but this laundry armor is actually some of the best stuff in the game. We buy it.
Music: Train of Life
Here comes the hole… and that Artie guy too, I’m sure… The name’s Artie… Artie Lury, the free-wheeling cannon! He’s back… Same rules as before.
Here comes the first roll!
This time, we manage to roll an 8 on the fifth roll.
Hey, you did it! As I promised, I’ll shoot you on over to the finish line!It’s really messed up that the entire game is determined not by anything that happened previously, but by who wins this dice roll minigame first. It’s like worse Mario Party.
Whoa, all the way to the end in an instant…!Music: Everyday Days
Maaku gains Kindness +2.
We cleared all the stages in Train of Life now. All right, let’s enjoy this ending!
Anon: I’d never support them
Anon: no one wants you thieves
Anon: this site’s still up? :o
Anon: Stay strong, Shido-san!
Now that I’m editing this, and I can see just how much of this there is and that still lies ahead of us, I’m kind of regretting this update!
Mr. Shido’s momentum isn’t slowing down at all. Did he fall ill because of that Phantom Thieves incident? People are making some noise about it, but it won’t matter. It’s almost scary how popular he is.Anon: wow, ppl are desperate…
Anon: what a comeback…
Anon: It’s happening again…
Anon: stop makin such a big deal
Anon: i dont really care
Music: So Boring
Not that I asked for your opinion on the election. Well, no matter what the cause was, this election is heading in the right direction. Before we knew it, Shido had everyone in the palm of his hand. Deceiving people so well that they don’t even realize it… Just how influential is Shido?Music: Disquiet
You killed them all for a reason like that!? You… Don’t you have any remorse!? Whoa, scary…! This detective gets all crazy when he’s mad.This inexplicable adaptation of Persona 4 into a crime drama is surprisingly accurate.
Oh boy… Power Intuition. We’ll get to why this one is so… fun.
Music: Power Intuition
By the way, haven’t you read that secret technique book? The amount of time you have for the input commands will increase, making the game easier, right?
Spoken like a true warrior. Good luck!I will regret this.
You’re both running low on health… You could probably win if you land a special move!
So, here we have to do a standard quarter-circle forward. Simple, right?
I bet you would have been able to win if you had.Wrong! This is perhaps the least forgiving form of input I have ever experienced in anything even pretending to be a fighting game. If you do the input too slow or release or anything like that, the entire thing resets. You also have to use the d-pad, you can’t use the analog stick. And I know you’re thinking “dude, it’s a fucking 236, a baby could do it,” but the game is also weirdly prone to just fucking dropping your inputs. It took me six tries to finish this. Thankfully, I saved beforehand, so we get to retry.
Anyway, after I eventually manage to beat it…
It really was incredible watching you go up against such a tough opponent…!Maaku gains Guts +2.
Music: Beneath the Mask
Music: Power Intuition
She’s definitely stronger than our first enemy. You’ll need to play aggressively.
Another quarter-circle forward. I get it first try.
And a quarter-circle back. Also first try.
I never thought you’d be able to land such a fierce combo…! It really was incredible watching you go up against such a tough opponent…!Maaku gains Guts +2.
Anon: Shido, just take the win
Anon: what about the election?
Anon: Show yourself, Akechi!
Anon: moar like phantom GRIEF
Music: Beneath the Mask -Rain (Instrumental Version)
not right now mom, I’m playing xbox!!!
...The so-called perennial candidates are putting more effort into their speeches. In Shibuya, one candidate held up a sign while speaking vigorously and with passion. I’m amazed they still do that when they’ve got no chance. Hey, wait, haven’t we seen that guy before?If you just insulted Tora, cat…
This is the one that gave me so, so much grief.
Music: Power Intuition
Dammit…! She moves so fast, and deals so much damage…! You’ll need to land a special attack if you want to even begin creating an opening for yourself!
Another one of these. At this point, I can nail these, whatever.
And again.
You’re almost there! This is the moment of truth!
Oh what the fuck.
I just stared at this for like a full second before even attempting it, and trust me: it’s much worse than it looks. Remember what I said about dropped inputs? Well, that’s still a thing, and it only gets more infuriating. By like the tenth time I attempted this, I could generally get the full half-circle at least once or twice per cycle, but I never once got the motion after that, the sudden jerk to the right, and have no idea how they expected you to. Even if I had got it, I don’t think I’d have been ready to hit X after it, so it would’ve been a waste anyway.
Another annoying thing here: it takes like forty-five seconds to reset. You have to watch the failure screen, get the stat point, have a mandatory text conversation, then reload. Setting back up is incredibly tedious. Which is a shame, because I failed upwards of fifteen times. That’s not when I finally got it. That’s just when I stopped recording.
But I didn’t give up, no sir. And you might’ve already figured out that I found a way past this. Well, wanna know what it is?
That’s right folks. I did it, because I’m an absolute madman. I resorted to…
And you’re probably scratching your head right now in confusion. Well, here’s my reasoning. For whatever reason, though I haven’t had the problem anywhere else, the PS4 d-pad is just a bit too stiff for the purposes of this trial. You know what doesn’t have a stiff d-pad, instead having a nice and clicky one?
My life is so fucking stupid.
So yeah, I broke out my Vita. Sorry for the extremely bad pictures, by the way. Had to hold my phone one-handed (not like that, jeez). If you’re wondering why I didn’t just use my Vita’s screenshot function, I thought it would be funnier this way (and also I forgot). Anyway, let’s try this out.
On my first attempt, I… fail. That’s all right though, it’s probably because I wasted a bunch of time trying to take a picture of my Vita screen.
On the second try, I get it. Fuck yes.
But… I think we can do better. So, I take a look at a piece of advice I found on the internet for getting past this stage, and an odd piece of wisdom comes up repeatedy: cover your d-pad in a tissue, then try to input the combo. Weird, but okay.
I go find a tissue (again, not for onanism) and place it on my controller. What happens next is truly, truly bizarre to me, and I can’t wait for someone in the thread to explain to me just what went down.
See, I tried this twice, and got it near-instantly both times. Within maybe three tries I nailed it, twice in a row. What on earth.
I can’t believe you seriously pulled that combo off…! It really was incredible watching you go up against such a tough opponent…!Maaku gains Guts +2. I should really get more than that for this.
Music: Beneath the Mask
Unless he confesses, there’s no way this is gonna change. They just believe everything Shido spoon-feeds ‘em. In that case, it wasn’t a mistake for us to change his heart. I mean, we made the best possible choice, didn’t we? Assuming the change of heart is successful.Why would it not be? We always freak out about this and it’s always absurd.
It would be nice to have one… but we don’t have the time. I guess there’s nothing we can really do until election day… 
I’m so surprised they’re still updating that. Which side is winning, anyway? 
Not many people voted “Yes.” And there’s not much going on in the comments. I’m not surprised. Honestly, who cares?
Music: Gambla Goemon
By the way, haven’t you read that secret technique book? If you get stuck, Goemon will cut through the problem using his specialty cheat… 
It’s luck-based, once again. No shame in telling RNG to screw off.
So the deceitful thief who ravaged the world has shamelessly entered this infernal domain… I shall show you the true tortures of hell… At least, I would… but it’d be boring to treat the famous Goemon the same as any old person. Instead, we shall use the two dice in my hand for a little game. I call it… odds or evens! Hm, it sounds like we just have to beat this demon in a dice game… First, you’ll have to choose between either even or odd. Even means numbers like two, six, or eight, while odd means numbers like three, seven, or eleven.“Do you know what numbers are, children?”
After you choose, I will roll the dice. If you guessed correctly, you win. Otherwise, you lose. And that’s all there is to it… Do you understand the rules?
Well then… what is your choice, odd or even? Place your bet!
Gimme odd.
Hm, interesting choice… You will win if the number is odd. Well, let’s find out what it will be!
Five. I win!
A two and a three… Odd!
Great, you won the bet! Nghhh… What incredible luck. I should have expected nothing less of the famous Goemon…! It’s your win. Continue forth… 
It wasn’t really very exciting with that technique… But I love that attitude you had. Persistence is so cool!Maaku gains Charm +2.
Anon: Why isn’t this on the news?
Anon: My scandal sense’s tingling!
Anon: This isn’t debunked yet?
Anon: this is a murder warning…
Oh god I still have two more days of this
Music: Fuckin' who cares
This election may very well be a historical turning point for this nation. We should feel lucky to be able to witness such a historic event.
The support for Shido is as strong as ever… I’m astounded he was able to deceive this many people. Madarame was a shrewd con artist, but Shido is on an entirely different level. But, this charade will all come to a halt soon. Once he unveils the truth, the good people of Tokyo will rally together against this tyrant. Until then… I must be patient.Music: Ptbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbt
The Amagi Inn has a long history, and it’s famous for its delicious food and relaxing hot springs! I must say, the young proprietress is quite the beauty! It’s worth going just to see her, hahaha.Goddamn creeps.
Well, whatever happened, his accomplices probably helped him if he managed to fool the police.
What’s gonna happen with the elections? They said that Shido committed a crime… I’m sure the police will handle it. Anyway, enough of that. We’ve got to work.
Music: Faaaaaaaaaaaaart
So you’ve come! Wonderful.You’re getting the same portrait for this guy and you’re gonna like it.
My name is King Yama. Whatever happens down in this land of torment is my doing. Do you think he’ll want us to play another dice game…? Now then, let’s play a game. I’m sure you alrady know the rules… but do you need to hear them again?
Fuck off with your rules.
However, my game is much stricet than that of the prior demon! You will need to win best two out of three to truly succeed! Otherwise, you lose!That’s… really not that much harder.
Now then, this is the first round. Even or odd… Which do you choose? 
Oho, you’ve chosen odd? The pips shall decide your fate. Now then, let us begin! 
A three and a four? It’s odd!
Next comes the second round. Even or odd… Which do you choose?
Good ol’ odd, nothing beats that.
Double threes? It’s even!
Damn… You missed.Fuck.
Harumph…! Such powerful light! H-Hey, the pips on the dice changed! Harumph… I thought it was an even number, but I suppose I was wrong. The result is odd. You win.
Yeah. If you cheat here, Goemon just fucking wins the game for you.
Great, you won the bet! Hrgh, y-you won!? It seems as though your fate… has not yet come to an end. The world of the living is nothing but suffering… I hope you have the strength to survive it!
Maaku gains Charm +2.
Music: Beneath the Mask
Uhhh wtf Makoto. I know you’re a cop, but jesus christ.
What are you saying!? Those are the comments I’ve heard throughout the city. It’s like that online too. Everyone’s saying the same thing. That don’t make any sense!
The larger a news story becomes, the more likely it is that people will search for new information. Who knows what they would have done to Maaku-kun if they realized he was still alive… At this point even the slightest stimulation could be a huge problem. The country’s like a big balloon that has way too much air inside. This shit’s crazy… Everyone’s completely lost it! It’s almost like they’re worshiping Shido at this point. It’s quite eerie... Makoto’s right. I have a bad feeling about all of this… You’re especially in danger, Maaku. Be careful.Anyway, you may have noticed by now that our packages, both from the television and from Tanaka’s Shady Commodities, have not arrived. This is because of a weird quirk with the way packages work: you can only receive them upon coming home to Leblanc, so staying in Leblanc for the day period means we cannot get them. And no, you can’t just leave and re-enter at night to trigger it. We’ll have to wait a few more days to get these packages.
Last game, thank christ.
Music: Pro Golfer Sarutahiko
By the way, haven’t you read that secret technique book? Apparently there’s a trick to slow the bar down, making it easier to beat the game… 
All right, time to practice a normal-distance shot.
FUCK
That thing moves fast! Also, the speed is variable! You wanna know how terrible this bar is? I went through frame-by-frame, and the bar passes over the red line in the center for precisely zero frames. What bullshit!
Your ball’s in the rough now. That wasn’t the best shot… Oh, the screen changed. It looks like you’re stuck in the sand now.
ASS
Your ball went in the pond! This might be a problem… Oooh, you’re near the flag now! It looks like this is practice for getting your ball on the green.
Whew.
Hey, you did it! The ball’s on the green now. Looks like that’s the end of the practice course. I guess we’ll finish here for today.
Maaku gains Proficiency +2.
Anon: this site’s still up? :o
Anon: My scandal sense’s tingling!
Anon: This isn’t debunked yet?
Anon: this is a murder warning…
It’s almost election day. I’m getting excited! Is Shido-san OK? We haven’t heard from him since then… He’s strong. He’ll be back in no time! We’re with you, Shido! Hurry up and become prime minister!Anon: lol no way i’d support them
Anon: dat comeback looool
Anon: wow, ppl are desperate…
Anon: It’s happening again…
Anon: Shido, just take the win
Music: Kill me
Giving oneself up… A: Guarantees leniency in court/B: Can’t be done by wanted men/Which is the correct answer? You be the judge!
That sounds counterintuitive enough to probably be the right answer.
The correct answer is… B! You can’t give yourself up if you’re on a wanted list!
It’s called a “surrender” when wanted criminals turn themselves in. They have nothing to give up. If you can and do give yourself up, the judge may decide to be lenient, but that’s up to him. Very nice—you got it right. Well, I’m not sure how knowing that would help us, though. Maaku gains Knowledge +1.
Music: Fuck Golf
This game seems designed with cheating in mind.
...You’ll just need to finish it within three strokes, OK? Remember, the first shot is crucial. Make sure you aim well.
You have two shots left now. I wonder if you’ll be able to sink it in the cup...
Whoa, you got it in!
Maaku gains Proficiency +2.
Music: Holy shit we’re almost done
Who knows? Maybe it was a broadcasting accident. I heard it might have been a prank, too.
It’s also strange how no one’s seen Shido. Especially since he was so confident at the beginning. I’m starting to not care about the elections. It’s not like they’re going to change anything, anyway.
LAST. ONE.
Music: Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge
In any case, you should just try to clear it in four strokes, OK?
Man, that was a great shot! You really reduced the distance. You still have three shots to go. Keep your momentum rolling.
Nailed that one.
Nice, the ball’s on the green! This is your third shot. Maybe you can get it in the cup…!
Hey, it went in! Nice job!
Maaku gains Proficiency +2.
OH GOD IT’S OVER!!! TROPHY GET!!!!!
Now, you may ask, “Arist, how can you possibly follow this incredible update?” Well, to that I say: Don’t worry. Next time, we’re going to Mementos.