Part 1: Character Creation and Making Friends

Let's get this shithouse off the ground already.

The game has stats, so it's already better than the last 10 years of Bioware.

It's also a complete ripoff of the SPECIAL system from Fallout. The SACPIC system. In practice however it plays more like Vampire the Masquerade: Redemption if it had a Pause feature. In fact Boar, the main character, is a Vampire Soldier who is also a member of Skull & Bones and also Deathmatches alongside the likes of Thresh and Fatal1ty.
However, his honestly mediocre levels of sagacity (possibly due to diabetes) have kept him from obtaining the rank of Private until now.

You can't change Boar's name. I don't know if it's his first name or last name. You can cycle through different face parts but somehow it all ends up looking like the same face every time.

The stats do more or less what you'd expect if you've ever played an RPG. Only two things to point out: the Imperial Weapons skill seems to imply that it means the same thing as Energy Weapons in Fallout and the Single Shot trait I picked means Boar is better at single, accurate shots than he is at burst or automatic fire.

Here's the intro

After watching it, I still don't really know what the fuck is going on.
During cutscenes the mouse pointer turns into a camera. If I try to tuck it into a corner, the camera will pan in that direction very quickly when the cutscene ends. I'm convinced this must be a design oversight of some kind.
It cost me a few points of damage to the ruffians who attacked me in my, uh, goo chamber.


Here's how you start the game, in the heat of Amendment.
Those green circles and red lines are indicators for my range and scope of perception. Things outside of it fade away. As you can see, it is very small even though my Perception stat was above average. You can probably also tell that it's ugly as sin and thankfully you can turn it off.

Making handy use of the nearby spear and a knicked butcher knife I amend the shit out of my attackers' skin and guts and then this happens.

The black man's name is Amamba. What a DORK!

I'm starting to get the hang of the interface at this point, except I'm also totally not.

Some more guys attack and I find out that I can hold ALT to highlight items. After this battle I pick some carrots and potatoes that are sure to come in handy during my fight against a tribe of sadist space primitives.

I don't know why I bothered to upload a video of this one. Oh yeah, because I didn't take any screenshots of it. Take a good look it's :09 seconds of craziness



I'm not a dork

Somehow not getting the hint, Boar continues through the gateway all the previous maniac killers were guarding and steps into the center of Maniac Killer Village. Inside he found maniac killers. They were planning something big. They were planning to kill him with guns.

Seems my appearance gave some other prisoners the opportunity to escape, only to fall into a cunning trap set by Hamster (hide behind fence)
As I mentioned, unlike the previous tribals these guys have guns. This was exciting for me as I picked a Guns-oriented character. Unfortunately the guns they had were all shite. Most had no ammo, and the ones that did were handmade pistols that carry one round. You can reload those guns, but only by using the rest command. I closed my eyes and fired. Miss. Well, fuck. Back to the butcher knife.

This battle gave me some trouble until I realized the amazing power of carrots and potatoes. They restore HP instantly and can be eaten even when the game is paused.

Time out guys gotta eat space potatoes.

After killing all of the maniac killers I looked around in their houses. Inside I found a broom and a shovel and a pickaxe and a hammer and a sex slave.

I tried to talk to her but the game wouldn't let me. She smoked a cigarette and spit on the floor. Enjoy yourself, then.

After passing through the camp the only thing to do was fight through the wildlife and make it to the area's exit. Killing a few dogs earned me my first Level Up

Again, levelling up is a bit like Fallout but also a bit not. Instead of just picking perks you get a 'perk point' at every level and presumably better perks cost more points. Perks also come grouped together. Here I could choose between a selection of FistPerks, Gunsperks, and Meleeperks.

Despite my earlier missives with firearms, I continue on my previously planned route and put my perk point and skill points in guns. For the short-term I put a few points into Melee combat and one or two into Potato Potency.

A little further down the road I met a gorilla. This is what it looks like punching me in the face.


Turns out having a melee duel with a gorilla is difficult. He hurts me a lot more than I hurt him. Fortunately I have a foolproof strategy.
I pull out my handmade gunpowder pistol.
With all those points put into my firearm skills, and with a perk on top of that I can't miss.
I draw in my breath. I pull the trigger.
2 Damage.
Well, fuck.


This is me shivving a gorilla.


This is me desperately running away and throwing spears at a gorilla while cramming 18 potatoes down my throat.


This is me throwing shurikens at a gorilla after eating 20 carrots.


This is me getting the fuck away from a gorilla.

With that dealt with it's not long before I reach the exit from the Valley of I Don't Know What Valley.
Stepping into the clearing, Boar spots some of his prisoner comrades in the iron grip of the villainous Hamster.
If this isn't an opportunity to prove one's sagacity I don't know what is.


Nice jungle cat moves Boar but you've fucked the whole deal.
How will he ever complete his Army Objective now??? PS I don't know what his army objective is.