Part 14: Dance Halls and Condom Balls

ALCATRAZ -- NOV 26 2507

Last time Boar and Sullen solved the conundrum of Ivar and Kirpikly. Kirpikly wanted alimony from Ivar and Ivar wanted Kirpikly dead so he could focus on his two new wives.
Okay so they didn't kill Kirpikly for Ivar or collect alimony from Ivar.
In fact they slaughtered Ivar, both of his wives, and then tried to have sex with Kirpikly in front of Sailor Mercury.

But that's how shit goes down in the Ungan District. Especially the new part we're checking out today, the dance hall.

If this game is Mad Max meets Escape From New York, then this is the scene where Snake does some steptoe so the evil businessmen don't shut down the Thunderdome.

Actually, despite there being a square platform full of NPCs doing their /dance animations in the center of the map, there isn't a whole lot to do here.

Except this guy has a task for Vampire Squad. Note their demeanor for entering someone's house. You'd think they had been backstabbed a lot in the past or something.


Okay so I guess this is Mad Max meets Escape From NY meets On the Waterfront.

Boar decides for the both of them that spending the evening smoking pot in a strange old man's castle spire is a good idea.

Before long the warriors come out to play.

Of course it is.


You're going to make them the first president of the Congo?


Stop trying to make that your catchphrase, Boar. It doesn't make any sense.


Okay, so Boar and Sullen are literally facing a firing squad here.


But with the power of Bread they persevere.

And to the victor, the spoils.

Unfortunately, 'heavy' is right. Boar has a strength of 5, just short of being able to equip this.

And this:

Sullen takes the armor, and the rifle goes to the market for a cool 40,000 coins.

This strength thing is a pain in the ass, as now that enemies are getting better weapons they're getting in more critical hits on Vampire Squad. In this game, a critical hit makes a combatant scream "Oh, it hurts!" and fall to the ground, dropping his weapon and/or possibly his armor. On top of that, crippled limbs can reduce a character's Strength score making it so Boar and Sullen bleed pieces of equipment as they progress through a dangerous area.

But enough about gameplay, how's Richie Valens doing?

So if he had 1,000 coins to just give away why was he begging for 50 at the beginning?

Oh well, here is the same old man model given to another NPC.

The dance hall is very popular with the old folks. It must be Andrew's Sisters Sunday.





Even upon accepting the quest, Boar tells the man to temper his hope cautiously.


Hey, "jive-turkeys". Do either of you know where I can find a real-life single white female companion?


Threateningly, Lalobompo approaches Boar doing grabby-hands.

Look out, gang! This might just be your hardest fight y

Oh wait their heads came off.


Here it is, Sullen! I'll bet if we return this to the destitute old beggar he'll give us a huge reward!


Well at least we got something.
Yes, a loaf of bread. That will make up for all the 12 gauge shells you emptied.
Sullen. Alright? Alright Sullen?

On the other side of the dance floor is a pagan temple.

Yep. But there's nothing really going on in the dance hall anymore, so they decide to go hunting!


Here's a porcupine! It does a super spin-dash into you. For real!


There's something about this I don't like.


There's something about this I'm quite fond of!

Ultimately their hunting trip is cut short when they stumble upon something more intriguing about as intriguing as babboons with knives.















Sure you will, Boar.

Of course, where there's a giant iron ball there are bandits who have already made the claim!



Oh man, that's not the reaction you typically hope for from bandits.

Here, this is much better:

Sullen has another clever plan. First he throws a molotov into the middle of all the bandits (good) Then he runs straight through the flames (bad)

Then he throws a poison gas grenade at some others (good)

And then takes a few really deep breaths (bad)

But alls well that ends well (mostly)

At some point looting corpses becomes so not worth it anymore.

Appears the bandits were guarding more giant iron balls.

Look, Boar! Cheap shoes!
Truly a treasure worth immolating onesself for.

Up ahead Sullen scouts out some more marauders guarding their giant iron ball filled with condoms.



We're rich, Sullen! We'll be condom barons!
Don't... don't touch those, Boar.
You don't get it do you? This whole planet is one giant prison! They must be desperate for condoms!
If you say so, man.

On their way back to market...

Danger up ahead.

Just a few bandit guards. No big deal.

HEY! Stop attacking for just a second! Do any of you want condoms?? We have thirty three hundred! 40 coins each!


That radar makes it seem like there are more than a couple guards in the area.


What is this, a fucking Doom WAD?

The answer-- yes. These two guys even start in-fighting.



Serious Sam 3: BFE, available on Steam!

Inevitably, the Squad finds the Rogue Leader hunkered down, ready to make a Rebel Strike.

Dang. They had the look of a bunch of ultra-ribbed fans, too.

With that done with, they head north to the Great Canyon, one of the places Sullen mentioned when he was first freed.
Actually it might be the Grand Canyon. The game can't really decide.

Here they run into an angry man named Angry.


We need to sneak into a bandit camp and rob the leader, he says...
Is that what he said??
I'm going to assume so, because sneaking is my specialty. And I have JUST the plan...


Oh.


Boar and Sullen don some pretty convincing disguises. This will get them past the guards for sure! I have no reason to believe this quest will end in a combat scenario!


Oh...kay??

So they get inside the gates and head to the leader's office to work their magic.


Success!
Wait, I don't get your plan.
We got in, didn't we?
Yeah, but then I straight up had to rob the leader.
And you did, right? Success!
But now we are in the middle of enemy terriotory, surrounded on all sides.
Success!


Another day, another bloodbath. Actually, it's been another day another four or five bloodbaths.

It's such a rumble in the bronx that the sun begins to set.

It's getting late! Angry must be worried that we took his share!
Right. One more thing, though.


Not cool, bro.

So, men of honor, they go to the entrance of the canyon to give Angry his share and

Mother fucker


Looks like he'll never be the head of a major corporation!

I don't know how he figured the two guys who took on an entire village would fall to his stanky ass but there you go.

To be Continued...