Part 18: Halloween in December

ALCATRAZ -- DEC 17 2507

When we last left Vampire Squad, they had just set off to summon Pyros.


"FOR WHAT PATHETIC REASON HAVE YOU SUMMONED ME, MORTALS??"
Umm! I forget!
You didn't know in the first place.
We want your knowledge! We want knowledge of why we summoned you.


"FOOLS! YOUR SIMPLE MINDS COULD NOT HOLD AN INKLING OF THE DEPTHS OF MY WISDOM! BE GONE FROM ME!"
Don't be a jerk. I'm serious.


SUDDENLY...


What? Was that a dream??
This looks like Northern City.
Hey, where's my shirt!
Where's my trousers!
Where's my dick! Oh wait, it's in my hand.
Does anybody have something to clean underneath fingernails with?

Wearily Vampire Squad trods foot across Northern City's Street of Dreams district, before stumbling upon a sanctuary.

A monk. Hey, Demon said he wanted a monk in prison!
I thought you said he wanted us to summon Pyros!
I did say that, but I shouldn't have.


Lord Voldemort agrees to travel with Boar as a companion so long as they pay him.

It's a long trip back to Stoneguard.


But eventually they arrive, redressing the situation as well as themselves.





The jailor is afraid of Voldemort's space rays, but relents when bribed.

Then, this happens:


Okay, so Demon is free now. Apparently if you kill a guard and leave a dead body in your cell you're just allowed to leave prison. What does Demon have to say, I wonder.

I would be highly surprised if he wanted to give Boar a bunch of pointless quests before we're allowed to continue with the game.


Darn.

Okay, well let's look at his stats. I wonder what kind of niche Demon will fill in our lineup.

Okay so he's good at the same things Sullen and Kruger are good at. Cool fuckin beans.

Actually he has the highest Strength in the party right now at 7 so that makes him a cantidate for specializing in Heavy Weapons such as grenade launchers and assault rifles.
And since the squad is riding so high on the hog right now with 400,000 coins, it isn't long until Demon is geared and clothed.

Pom pom hat and big dollar sign necklace. Check.

Before starting on any of Demon's stupid errands, there is still some business in Stoneguard to take care of. Plank wanted the squad to examine the drug trade.
The informant last update sent them to this man, Tony "Fucking" Fidget.



So all Boar had to do was walk up to this guy and say Patrick and he spills the whole operation. Attaboy, Tony Fucking Fidget.

Reporting in:

Looks like Major Plank has finally found the book he was looking for. It turns out it was on the bookshelf all along!


Guess what, Boar! You walked all the way back here for no fuckin reason!
Nooo!


Hey, Fidge.

Boar plays it cool and initiates a conversation.

Wow, a counter-quest. This could prove interesting.


Or not. I guess that's it for ol' Tony Fucking Fidget.

Now Vampire Squad gets to travel to the other districts of Stoneguard!

Heya Gryphon. Remember that time I killed the Legion's arms dealer so I could slide you into position? You didn't even backstab me or anything.


We'll always have Li Bo.


Hey, it's Brocho.


Oh really, dog? A fetch quest? That means so much to me. I'll get right on it.


Sike! Sike, Brocho. Sike.




Hey, thanks for the SMG I don't want.

Okay, we finished all our business in town. What next?
BRO LET'S DO SOME OF MY SIDEQUESTS MAN
Ehh. What was that first one again?
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE SICKDAWG


IT'S A GRAVEYARD
What happens at a graveyard?
DUDE LOOK



Zombies?
YEAH BRO ZOMBIES EVERYONE LOVES ZOMBIES
Not like brainwashed guys who are just kind of like zombies?


NO DUDE STRAIGHT ZOMBIES THEY COME UP OUT OF GRAVES
Alright, I guess.

To Sullen's credit, they are pretty erudite for zombies.

They're also fucking dickheads.

Standing near them drains a squad member's health and like the Legionaire said, only a decapitating head crit will take them down, otherwise they stand back up after a minute or so.

I told you I'm not a dork!!
BRO THEYRE JUST CORPSES WALKING AROUND DONT LET THEM GET TO YOU MAN
{deep inhale} Thanks, man.

Because of the zombies' headshot requirement, Sullen and Kruger stay at the entrance as Boar and Demon sally forth with the quad-barrel and an SMG, respectively.

It's slow, the zombies' death auras eat through medkits, and at the end of it are two treasure chests with potatoes and ammunition inside.

That sucked, Demon.
WTF
There have been better quests.
I didn't get to do anything.
IM STILL ALL WTF BROS MY WHOLE MIND RIGHT NOW IS WTF
Okay, what else you got? Maybe the next one--
FREAKIN TOBACCO SLIMEDICK

What?
IF WE GET TOBACCO THATS SUPER GOOD SO LETS GET SOME


Tobacco I guess?


DUDE ASK HIM ABOUT THE TOBACCO
I just did.






A vomit mushroom minefield. Say that zero times fast.



Suddenly, there is a flashback in this cutscene. The only indication that it is a flashback is the text, no transition or anything.

Oh yeah, and there's a robot suit.




Direct hit on robot suit.


Robot is down.


Boar realizes this is going to be Another One of Those Quests


A robot suit. Eh? Eh?


Unfortunately, the robot suit is being guarded by chinese guys who are apparently immune to vomit mine poison.


BROS DONT WORRY I WILL GET THE ROBOT SUIT
Go ahead, Demon.
Guys, I've got a clever plan. We take cover here and wait for him to die and then that is the end of the plan.
Agreed.
Demon makes me really uncomfortable a lot of all of the time.

So Demon runs through the poison field, sucking down Medkits until he makes it to the robot suit.

This is the robot suit. It allows Demon to breathe in the mushroom field and soaks up a ton of damage but also makes him walk around like he's... well, in a robot suit.

It has the added benefit of making him almost blind as well.

T-51b this ain't.

As Demon enters the rogues' camp, the rest of the squad see something not so good marching towards them from the Policeman camp.


Sullen sneaks up to take a peek.

I don't think they see us.


Nope.

Instead they proceed all the way to the Rogue's camp and start shooting at the asshole who tried to run off with their robot suit.

Luckily at this point Demon's robot suit breaks.

ONE RELOAD LATER...

This time Demon uses his robot suit to brave the gasseous vomit mushrooms and pick them all, carving a path for everyone else.

And the Policemen come--unsuited-- and fight alongside the squad.


Soon, all the rogues are dead.




I notice you have yet to free any of the caged women around the perimeter. I'm sure that's a simple oversight that will soon be corrected.




By the way, Boar slaughtered your leader the other week.



STUPID QUEST DONE
Unfortunately, the robot suit is simply too impractical for regular use.


DOGG HOW MUCH CAN I GET FOR A ROBOT SUIT ITS WORTH IT IF YOU WANT TO BE A ROBOT

And breaking the million coin mark means Boar can finally get that experimental injection he's always wanted!

Boar has a momentary worry about his weiner, but it comes to pass.


If your doctor gives you an injection and then immediately asks you if you want more, he is not a good doctor.


Boar's Strength is now even with Sullen and Kruger.

Now he can equip the same metal armor as Kruger and Demon, and can carry a heavy pipe rifle. For being a good sport about having been killed earlier, Demon gets a new assault rifle with an underbarrel grenade attachment.


NEXT TIME: ANOTHER PROBABLY STUPID SIDEQUEST FROM DEMON