Part 21: *Batteries Not Included

ALCATRAZ -- JAN 04 2508

Okay so Vampire Squad has tracked Jackson to the Legion Industrial Zone where he and his men have slaughtered their way into some kind of hidden underground sub bay.
Why you'd put your submarine bay underneath the concentration camp is beyond me, but there you have it.

Flank right! This is what flanking is, right?

Anti-climatically Jackson Jr goes down without much issue.

Just like I killed your brother, Jackson Sr.
So, I've been wondering. Is his brother also his dad or something?
Look, I've pretty much just been assuming that everybody on this planet is the same person over and over.
BRO I WOULDNT WALK THE STREETS IN YOUR NIGHTMARE TOWN


Having been saved from the cannibal hoarde, Captain Goustloff approaches.
If you haven't figured it out by now, the Legion are German space nazis.




Goustloff is a space nazi marine biologist, and he spills some dirt on the space shuttle, revealing it to be a Legion-designed system for escape called the "Flight of the Valkyrie"
Probably not a good name for a space shuttle considering the Valkyries carried dead bodies into heaven.

Goustloff knows where the shuttle is and how to get there but he won't open the gate until Vampire Squad gets some Imperial weapons.
The end-game is so close Boar can smell it. Actually, without any razorblades all he's managed to smell is the shit fumes from the prison outhouse that got caught in his beard.

Is this really necessary?

Yes.



Blacky is surprisingly helpful this time around, promising to drop an iron ball full of superweapons onto a planet inhabited by rapists.


Off to the Gloomy Desert they go.


There's the ball!
There's a dinosaur next to it.
Okay, I've got a plan. I will sneak over, grab the weapons...


...Apparently not, then.
That does it! Now we do things MY way!


FUCK
Goodness, and during the holidays as well.
KILL THE FUCKING DINOSAUR!
Kruger makes every occasion special.
YES FROM NOW ON THE PEOPLE SHALL GATHER IN THE DESERT FOR A CELEBRATION KNOWN AS "BURNING MAN"

With the dragon dead, only his hoarded treasure remains to be taken.

I'll open it!


Actually, Demon, you open it.

Demon cracks it open and...

What an assortment!


First off is the Commando Suit, here to ruin the carefully cultivated individuality I've maintained between the characters' appearances.
It adds +3 to Strength and +3 to Agility, +100 to melee defense, and +60% critical protection.
Think about how overpowered the Power Armor is in Fallout 1 and multiply that by 5.


Next is the Rail Gun. Everybody in Vampire Squad trained extensively with the rail gun in Deathmatch Academy.


After that is the Blaster pistol. It has a "high piercing ability" whatever that means.


The final gun is the Assault Blaster. I suppose it is like the blaster but more at once.


For melee is the Space Marine Combat Knife. While it is less powerful than the katana, it has a 99% chance to critical.
Remember, a critical makes an enemy fall down and drop their weapon.

Finally, is this:

The Satan Device.

BROS THEY STOLE THE NAME OF MY SCREENPLAY

It is generally used by the Empire to complete primary game objectives.


Suited up. Is this what they normally wear when they are on operations?

Just one problem you may have noticed with the weapons: None of them have their batteries charged. This isn't the same as no ammunition. This means they don't work, period.
Realizing this, Boar has a meltdown.

Settle down, Beavis.
Everybody else just kind of shrugs awkwardly at this display of impotent chest-beating.


Okay, Gousteppe, we got the weapons. One problem.



Seriously, Boar? That's the name?

Gousloff knows where to recharge the weapons' batteries, though! On a volcanic island beastmaster camp.
That's almost good news!
I smell a catch...

BRO THERES ALWAYS A CATCH LIFE IS A CATCH I SUGGEST YOU CATCH IT WHILE YOU CAN

{leaving, lost in thought} I could smell the endgame through my putrid upper lip. I swear I could, you guys.

TO BE ARTIFICIALLY LENGTHENED...