Part 28: Xenus II: Day Four & Day Five

MERRY XENUS-MAS ALERT: XENUS 2 IS 50% OFF AT GAMERSGATE



XENUS DAY 4

Well I just did a bunch of missions involving flying airplane and helicoptor. They blow up after about 3 seconds of concentrated enemy fire and also if you touch any scenery. The plane controls like a mix between the dodo from GTA3 and the wing cap from mario 64. If you press left or right it doesnt bank left or right. There is no button for that, instead you just roll and turn upside down which isn't helpful at all.
They expect you to get into dogfights with the helicoptor versus dues with lockon missiles too. The helicoptors you use also have missiles but fucked if i know how to use them. They just kind of spurt out and fall like limpdick cum. And you can't aim where they fall so its useless for carpet bombing dudes on the ground as well.

So theyre impossible to control and blow up in two hits, and then they say "hey fly in circles above this area with the plane that doesnt go in circles" or "hey fight 10 helicoptors that match you entirely equally"

On the plus side I just took out the mafia and all the hot guerrilla babes want my dick now. Commandant Bombshell named me an official commandant and also i think filrted with me but its hard to tell what people mean when they talk in this game. Nice touch: the mafia had wanted posters up of me all over the base which presumably wouldn't be there if they didnt hate me.

• Did the final 2 guerrilla missions tonight. The first one was driving a tank through the bandit camp on the third major island. This would have been cool and empowering if it wasn't filled with guys with rocket launchers. FYI: When you have a rocket launcher it's super slow and you only get one shot. The AI gets super fast infinity rocket launchers. Also the gun turret on your tank rotates about 30 times slower than your mouse cursor and the shots don't go where your cursor is pointing. Speaking of which even on foot the AI is always super accurate and the designers didn't seem to notice that putting 50 guys onscreen is both unfair and makes the framerate take a shit. It's the biggest problem this game has other than being written in moonspeak.
  
• The final guerrilla mission was "use the tank to kill the soldiers" Which soldiers? All of them. ALL OF THEM. If I had to guess I'd say around 200. And not all in one spot, all over the fucking place. The soldiers didn't have rocket launchers (they had grenades which takes off like 10% of your health instead of the rockets' 30) and gunfire doesnt hurt the tank at all so it wasn't hard, it just took 40 minutes because the tank is slow and inaccurate and the soldiers are fast and like to hide and were all over the island.
  
• I'm starting to hate this game.
  
• One thing I never mentioned, this game has grenades. You get a dedicated grenade throw key like any modern fps. Except you never use it because Saul Myers throws grenades like a girl. They land 10 feet away from you and don't bounce at all. They don't even fall nice it's like Saul is just going "take this! unnnnfh!! *plop*"
  
• You can take a perk to throw grenades further. This makes them go 15 feet. You can buy a grenade launcher. This makes them go 20 feet. You need to take a perk to use the grenade launcher.
  
• The physics in this game are fucked up. The vehicles get stuck on shit and if you fall even a little bit you lose like 30hp. This game really fucking hates it when you have HP.
  
• Guess what this pile from fuckin cambodia or whatever is rough around the edges and not properly playtested who would have thought
  
• OK so done with the guerrilla missions! I started to do the main story missions. Where I left off there was a guy who wanted 10000 pesos to set me up with the poison coke guy and now I have like 50000. I pay him and he leads me into a predictable trap. It's a weird fortress in the middle of town and inside there are a bunch of masked dudes in black special ops gear with m16s. The guy on my radio shouted "WATCH OUT SAUL! THERE ARE GIANT SPIDERS IN THERE!"
  
• There weren't.
  

XENUS DAY 5

• I think the guys who ambushed me were supposed to be CIA and its all a conspiracy? I'm not sure. All I have to go on is what the guys on my radio were babbling about. There are two guys on my radio a local guy and a fat white dude wearing a cowboy hat who i think is in a wheelchair. They make less sense than anyone else in the game.
  
• It turns out the island that was for sale is the base of the drug smugglers' operations! I had to pay 8000 pesos for this fact even though I've already been to that island. I went there and killed a lot of people and found the guy who lead me into the ambush. I didn't get my money back. Apparently the poison cocaine comes from a bunch of tribal indians (Saul accused the ambush guy of being an indian himself and he said "No I'm not I'm Native American!" so I don't know wtf these guys are supposed to be. Tribal "slumdog millionaire" indians in the caribbean?)
  
• While I was jetskiing over to the Indian island I was in the middle of the sea and the guys on my radio said "Only thing left to do is walk up the stairs!" and "Those statues don't look like they've eaten anyone" and "Kill him!" What?
  
• I got to the island and its a bunch of ruins. I guess there was a stairway and some statues. Maybe that's what they were talking about except they were incredibly early.
  
• There I picked up a stone tablet which was 15kg and made me so encumbered I couldn't move. I also couldn't drop the stone tablet since it is a mission item. That is when the Indians(?) attacked. They had blunderbusses and grass skirts and would probably be racist if I knew what race they were supposed to be. Despite being the most naked people in the game they each take about as many armor piercing rounds to center mass as an Ape Trigen to take down. I had to do this while unable to move. After I killed them all (most of them glitched out and just stood there) I dropped enough items to be able to walk but not run and was ordered to flee the island.
  
• I then had to take the stone tablet to some artifact guy to get it translated. He wants 10000 pesos. I have 2500 and doing any sidequests means making the guerrilla babes hate me and also doing more sidequests is the last thing I want to do. If I can't find a money cheat I don't know what I'm gonna do.
  
• Okay just used Artmoney to cheat myself the money. Now the game is about me finding six ancient Indian relics presumably so I can stop their sleeping gods from destroying the world.
  
  The same guy I just paid 10000 to had one of the relics and charged me another 5000 for it. Fuck you pal.