Part 9: Theatre of Failure Part Four: Getting your Face Pounded in Style

We begin our film tonight at Officer Rufus' favorite place.



(Yeah, I get it. Everybody gets it. I LIKE COFFEE. Har har.)

(Little snippy today, huh?)

(Maybe that's because of this GODDAMNED NECK BRACE?)

(Hey, at least we all signed it. Got to look on the bright side.)

(I hate you, Bonds.)



I always wanted a bike like this. I don't think anybody will mind if I just climb up on the seat here for a second...




Oooops!

Remember, cadets: never touch another person's property except in strict accordance with your duties.

Otherwise, you might cause a cartoonish, harmless accident.



Hey, darts!

When dealing with gangs of bikers from the 80s, please keep in mind this important safety tip:



...do not walk between the bikers and the dartboard. I cannot stress this enough: do not put yourself in the path of a sharp object being hurled across the room by a drunk person. This is a rule which will stand you in good stead throughout your professional and personal lives.

Is it bad that I didn't even feel anything that time?



The greater western Rotador Octoginta is very territorial. If you must trespass on its personal space, be prepared for hostile behavior. Luckily, it is very easily spooked by a show of force.

I'm packing, you dumbasses!



What in the hell is a PR-24? Well, uh... I guess I can... huh. So, guys, you're... stuntmen, right? This is a pretend beating?



While on patrol, you should carry your PR-24 personal defense device with you at all times in case you are in situations where you can't fire your gun for risk of hitting innocent people.

This will ensure the safety of our city's barmen, biker dart players, and hookers. And it will prevent you from being invited to your own private performance of Riverdance.

OH GOD I WISH THEY WERE BEATING ME INSTEAD

Take it like a man, son. Mr. Flatley didn't come cheap.



Now, strange as it may seem, a simple traffic stop is the single most dangerous situation you can be in as uniformed police officers. When you go into a house with a SWAT team, you expect risk and prepare for it, but you don't generally wear body armor to traffic stops and you never know what's going to be in the car you're stopping. Be careful and be safe.

(So I see we're skipping the section on not revealing our department's undercover activities to the targets of those activities?)

(Do you want me to tell Dooley you don't like the movie? We're light on stuff for next week and I'm sure he'd be happy to steal your towel again.)

Alright, sir, let's just get you over to my car so I can get you down to the station.



It is important to follow appropriate procedure while arresting suspects, to minimize the chance that they will later escape conviction at trial due to your misconduct.

By the power vested in me by the City of Lytton, I hereby pronounce you Mr. Arrestyface. You have the right to kiss my ass. If you choose to give up that right, your failure to kiss my ass may be used against you when I'm walking you down a flight of stairs. You have the right to consult with my right fist. If you cannot take the right, the state will make the left available free of charge.

Now that we've ensured a lawsuit against the department, let's pack this suspect into the car.



Sure, whatever. Who cares?



Let me just get this door open for you.



HEEEEEREE COOOMESS



THE THUNDEEEEERRR!



OH GOD! BEARING DOWN ON ME WITH ALL HIS PROGRAMMER STRENGTH!



Handcuffs are an important tool of police work, but they can only protect you if they are used properly. You must respect the handcuffs. Treat them like you would a fine...

Officer Durant, get on with it, please.

Yes, sir. Procedure dictates you handcuff male suspects behind their back to prevent them from having full use of their hands. Even someone who isn't normally dangerous may experience a sudden burst of strength when desperate.



HERE'S THE JAIL IT NEVER FAILS IT MAKES ME WANNA WAG MY TAIL

Are you alright, Officer Rufus?

Just PEACHY!

Do you see those lockers there?

Fucking lockers. How do they work?

Uh, are you sure you're okay there?



Let's just get going to my NEXT HUMILIATION!



Custodial procedure is a very important part of police work. You're taking someone's freedom away from them, which is one of the rights guaranteed to them by the principles our country is founded on. This is a step we take very seriously, and the rules regarding transfer of prisoners, proper booking procedures, and safety precautions must be followed to the letter to avoid any potential legal challenge and to keep the custodial officials and the other prisoners safe and secure.

Just SMELL this guy! He's drunker than sixty Dean Martins! And he's GREASY LIKE A LITTLE PIGGY! OINK, PIGGY, OINK! Let's get the cuffs off of him so we can put him in the cell next to Sweetums over there.



I'M NOT A PIIG!



I'M JUST BIG-BOOOONED!



I think... I'll just... lie here. For a little while. So peaceful.



So do either of my co-presenters have anything to add?

Remember, cadets: never uncuff an angry drunk programmer while carrying a weapon. When you aren't carrying a gun, they lose all their mystic kung-fu programming powers.

I know where both of you sleep.

And that concludes our presentation for today. Join us again next week, won't you?